Daniel squeezed my knee, “You’re quiet.”
“Hmm?” I removed the thumbnail I had been chewing from my mouth. “I’m sorry; I was thinking about what to tell people regarding what happened between us.”
“Who cares what they say?” A note of agitation crept in his voice.
I scrunched down in my seat at his forceful tone. “That’s easy for you to say, but you weren’t the one cheated on and left alone at the altar.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel, and his jaw clenched. The vein in the side of his neck pulsed out. “How long am I going to have to keep apologizing?”
“I don’t know,” I said, my own anger building, “but try to see it from my side. If I had cheated, left you, and then come back, what would your friends say?”
Daniel relaxed his hands and flashed his charming smile. “They’d say I was lucky because you are so beautiful.”
He knew I was a sucker for his smile, but I wasn’t buying what he was selling today. Quit trying to change the subject. “I’m serious.”
“Okay, okay, you’re right. If you think it will help, I will apologize to any of your friends and family personally, okay?”
I nodded, but the pit of uneasiness extended its tendrils up to my heart cutting right through Daniel’s flippant words.
As my apartment came into view, my heart lightened. It had been nice having some time away, but I was looking forward to the familiar. I carried my bag into the bedroom and began to unpack. Under all the clothes, at the bottom of the bag, the books from JD lay. I picked the top one up, opening the cover, but before I could read anything, Daniel entered the room and wrapped his arms around me. The book fell from my hand as he pulled me backward onto the deep purple bedspread.
“Ah, I’ve missed being in this bed with you. What do you say we refresh my memory of how much I enjoyed this?” He pulled me close, meeting my lips. Familiarity took over, and my body melted into his as his lips roamed down my neck.
A few hours later, I awoke with a start. Something wasn’t right. I lay still for a minute, listening; then I jumped up and raced into the bathroom, reaching the toilet as my stomach heaved its contents out. Whoa, what was that about? I washed my mouth out and splashed water on my face, noting the paler-than-normal complexion as I looked in the mirror. After drying my face, I headed back to bed.
“Everything okay?” Daniel words were mumbled from the bed without even opening his eyes.
Irritation flared inside me as I crawled back in beside him. “I don’t know; it might have been something I ate.” I spent the rest of the day in bed, in and out of consciousness.
The feeling wasn’t gone the next morning, but it seemed less intense as I lay in bed breathing. Deciding I was okay, I swung my legs off the bed and plodded to the closet.
Daniel came up behind me and pushed my hair to one side so his lips could have easy access to my neck. “Are you really going into work today? We just got in last night.”
“I have to. I need to prove I’m still partner material, even though I’m going to have to wait a whole year to get it.” I pulled my favorite black skirt off the hanger and ducked out of his reach so I could pull it on. It slipped on easily enough, but the zipper wouldn’t go all the way up. “Ugh.” I shimmied out of it, tossing it on the floor and reached for another skirt. It didn’t fit either and neither did the third. Frustration surged through me. What was going on? Finally, an older skirt with an elastic waist slipped on.
“Eat a little too well while you were gone, did you?” Daniel asked, noticing my choice of skirts.
I wasn’t sure if he were teasing or hinting that I needed to go on a diet, so I glared at him for good measure as I yanked a long blue shirt off the hanger that would cover the hideous elastic waist. It was not my usual put-together look, but it worked. “I’ll be back later,” I said, pushing past Daniel. “Don’t make a mess while I’m gone.”
Without kissing him goodbye, I left the apartment. I was miffed at his ribbing and contemplating if I already regretted letting him back in my life. JD would never have said something so insensitive. JD? Where had that thought come from? I hadn’t seen him in two weeks. He was probably back in New York doing whatever he did there. Shaking my head to clear his smiling face, I focused on paying attention to traffic as I drove to the office.
Tina stood, smiling, as I neared the office. “Welcome back. How was your trip?”
“It was good.... and interesting.” I thought about telling Tina I was back with Daniel, but the memory of her earlier reaction and opinion of Daniel flooded my mind. No reason to face the disappointment in case it doesn’t work out. I’ll tell her in a few weeks if he’s still in the picture.
Tina raised an eyebrow, but didn’t press the issue. “Okay, well the work is on your desk, in piles, and here are your messages.”
As I reached for the messages, my stomach turned again. Clapping a hand over my mouth, I bolted down the hall to the bathroom, making it to the stall just in time.
When my stomach was empty and still, I gargled some water to lessen the lingering taste in my mouth and splashed some water on my face. The color of my face was not right, and there were splotches that had never been there before. What is wrong with me? I gave it a few more minutes to make sure there wouldn’t be a repeat performance, and then I headed back to the office.
Tina’s eyes were wide. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah, it’s food poisoning, I think. It started yesterday when we got back. I feel fine otherwise though. In fact, I seem to have gained weight even with my frequent deposits to the porcelain god.” I meant it to sound light – joking was a habit when I got uncomfortable – but the words sounded flat even to me.
Tina wasn’t buying it either. “Food poisoning doesn’t usually last that long,” her voice oozed concern. “Promise me you’ll go to the doctor if this keeps up.”
“I promise.” I flicked my hand, dismissing the conversation, and headed into the office to tackle the mountain of work. It hit me as I closed the office door that I had said “we” instead of “I.” Thankfully, Tina hadn’t noticed, but I would have to be more careful in the future.
My food stayed down the rest of the day, and I got so engrossed in work that I forgot my promise to Tina. I climbed in my car, planning to head to the gym, but Tina’s words reared their ugly head and bounced around in my head, and instead my car pulled into a local emergency clinic.
I entered the small grey clinic, and a petite brunette with glasses looked up from the desk. “Can I help you?”
“I hope so,” I said, signing the check in form on the counter, “I’ve been vomiting several times for the last twelve hours. I figured it was food poisoning, but my friend thought I should see a doctor.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” the receptionist agreed. “Have a seat, and we’ll call you back shortly.”
I sat down in one of the many empty chairs and picked up a magazine from the table next to me. On the cover, a couple on a beach lounged in chairs. It looked so much like the ocean in the Caribbean that my thoughts wandered back to that time. I wonder what JD is doing now? There they were again, thoughts of JD crowding into my head.
“Callie Green?” A short, stocky nurse with dark hair stood at the open door, clipboard in hand. Her eyes scanned the waiting room.
I set the magazine down and followed her into another small grey room. A computer terminal with a stool in front of it and one other grey plastic chair were the only furniture in the room. As I assumed the stool was for the nurse, I took a seat in the chair.
“Any fever?” the nurse asked as she began taking my vitals.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so; I haven’t felt hot anyway.”
The nurse ran the thermometer across my forehead. “98.6, that’s normal. Any other aches or pains?”
“No, but I just got back from the Caribbean. Could I have picked up something there that’s made me sick?”
“It’s possible.
” The nurse sat on the stool and began typing on the computer, filling in the electronic chart. “We will look at all the possibilities. Have you had intimate relations in the last month?”
I blinked, taken aback by the prying question. “What does that have to do with anything?”
The nurse paused her typing and turned her hazel eyes on me. “It could be significant if you’ve also been tired lately, have you?”
I shrugged. “Maybe a little more than usual, but as I said I just got back from vacation. I think it’s probably jet lag, you know?”
The nurse looked at me again, raised an eyebrow, and then turned back to the computer screen. “Okay, well the doctor will be in soon.” She exited, leaving me alone in the small room.
As I glanced around the bland room, I pondered the nurse’s questions. Could she be insinuating an STD? I thought back to High School health class. Was vomiting a symptom of any STD? Not like it mattered, Daniel and I always used protection anyway. He always claimed he wasn’t ready for a family yet. I couldn’t remember the last time we . . . and then the night with Brent flashed in my head. I sucked in a large gulp of air. What had that been, three or four weeks ago? Pulling out my phone, I furiously tapped the calendar app. One , two, three...Oh no, I haven’t had a period in six weeks. My fingers touched my parted lips as a coldness erupted in my core.
The doctor, an older woman with greying hair but kind eyes, entered at that moment. She registered the shock on my face. “Are you al right?”
“Could I? I mean, is it possible . . . Am I pregnant?” The cold clamored through my insides sending a shiver down my spine.
A warm smile spread across the woman’s face. “I was about to ask you the same question.”
“We are always careful, but there was this one night....” I dropped my head as the guilt of what I had done roiled around in my stomach. It weighed on me like the heavy anchor of a large ship that had been thrown overboard.
“It only takes once,” the doctor laughed. She picked up a small cylindrical container off the counter tray and handed it to me. “Here, provide me a urine sample, and we can know in ten minutes.” After pointing out the bathroom down the hall, the doctor left, and I fought for air.
I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Oh no, not again. I can’t be pregnant; I can’t. I was trying to make it work with Daniel; I was trying to become partner; and I was pretty sure the baby would belong to a man I had met once. Once! This wasn’t me, and this definitely did not fit in my perfect plan. After a few calming breaths, I grabbed the plastic container and headed down the hall to the bathroom.
My hands were shaking as I unscrewed the lid and filled the jar. When finished, I set the cup in the cupboard that opened to a lab on the other side and washed my hands. Back to the small grey room to wait. The hallway seemed longer, like I was walking to a death sentence. My feet felt heavy and clunky, the way they feel when you try to run through mud.
I sat back down in the chair and stared at my watch, watching the second-hand turn, my mind blank. A knock at the door jolted me back to reality, and I raised my head.
“I have your results back.” The doctor held a small white piece of paper in her hand. “Would you like to read them, or shall I give them to you orally?”
“Um, I’ll read them, I guess.” I swallowed hard and reached for the folded white paper.
“Here you go. Take your time, and I’ll be back in a few minutes to answer any questions you might have.”
I stared at the paper burning into my hand. The words on this paper could change my life. Icy fear returned, clawing up my neck. I took a deep breath and unfolded the paper. My eyes scanned it but no words registered until the all caps “PREGNANT.” It mocked me with its capital letters. What was I going to do?
The doctor reappeared a few minutes later. “Have you had time to look over the paper?”
I nodded, unable to form words.
“I can tell this is a bit of a shock for you, but I don’t think there’s anything else wrong with you. Do you want information on options?”
“Options?” I asked in a haze, the words fuzzy in my mouth.
“You know, what to do about your pregnancy. My dear, you can keep it, put it up for adoption, or have an abortion. I can give you great names to consider for all three choices, if you want them.” The doctor gathered some pamphlets from the clear plastic holder on the wall as she spoke.
Grey fog surrounded me, making my voice sound distant, “Okay, I guess I should take all three.”
“It’s still early in your pregnancy, so you have time to think about what to do, but if you choose abortion, you shouldn’t wait too much longer.” The doctor pulled a business card from her pocket and wrote names and numbers down on the back of it. “The first one is for a counselor if you decide to keep the baby and need help while carrying it. The second one is of a local adoption agency, and the third is an abortion clinic that is down on State Street. And here are some pamphlets to read about pregnancy.”
I took the paperwork and stared at the white card, my mind still foggy. In a daze, I gathered up my things and left the room, moving on autopilot. I stopped only once, at the receptionist’s desk to pay for the services, before leaving the building.
When I got to the parking lot, I opened my driver’s side door, sat down, and shut the door. I put the key in the ignition but didn’t turn it on. My hands shook on the steering wheel, and I stared out the windshield at nothing. What was I going to do?
Daniel had always stated he didn’t want a family right away and I had agreed, because kids before age thirty had not been in my perfect plan, but was I sure Daniel and I would last? If we didn’t, could I raise a child alone? I supposed I could put the baby up for adoption, but that would mean going through all the pain of pregnancy and gaining all that weight to give the baby to someone else in the end. I didn’t know if I could do that. That left abortion. Though I’d always been “pro-choice” in general, I had never thought I’d have to make the choice myself. It couldn’t hurt to at least look into it. I stared down at the card and found my fingers punching the number in my phone.
“State Street Clinic,” the lady on the other end of the phone said after the second ring.
I jumped at the voice, though I didn’t know why. Had I been expecting a machine? “Uh hi, I was hoping to get your address, so I could swing by and ask some questions.”
“1400 State Street, and we are open till 7 P.M.”
Fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot and stared at the small brick building. Was this really what I wanted to do? I exited the car and glanced around for a sign, but none hung on the building. I started up the small cement path, dotted only by a few trees and finally saw a small stenciling on the door that told me I was in the right place.
Just before the entrance, an older black woman sat in a wheelchair next to a green bench. She held a sign in her hands that read: Abortion stops a beating heart. I stared at her, and the woman returned the gaze. Then, she bowed her head. Oh, no, not more prayers. I hurried past the woman and opened the door.
The room was small, but comfortable looking with a few chairs and a TV on the wall. Two young girls looked up as I entered, fear evident in their eyes. A petite brunette with glasses and a messy bun sat at the desk answering the phones and typing on a keyboard. She finished the current call and glanced up at me.
“Can I help you?”
I rubbed the business card in my hand. “Maybe; I was given this number by a doctor to talk to someone about having an abortion.”
“Have you decided to schedule one?” The lady tapped the mouse a few times to open a date book.
“Um, not yet. I don’t really know much about them and was hoping you had some information I could read, to better understand the process.”
“Sure, there are pamphlets over there you can take.” She pointed to her left and returned to her computer, dismissing me at the same time.
I crossed
to the wooden rack hanging on the wall, picked up a pamphlet, and sat down to read it. The pamphlet explained how the “lump of cells” would be suctioned out. I bit my lip and cocked my head to the side. Lump of cells, is that all it is right now? And if so when does it become a baby?
Returning to the desk, I tapped the counter to get the woman’s attention. “Um, excuse me.”
“Yes?” The woman didn’t look up, just kept clicking on her computer keys.
“Does it hurt?”
“You might be sore for a few days, but it’s not that bad.”
I shook my head. “No, I meant does it hurt the baby? I mean will the baby feel pain?”
The woman stopped typing and turned a blank face to me. “It’s not a baby. It’s a lump of cells.”
“So, when does it become a baby?”
The woman took a deep breath and then sighed. “When it’s born; do you want to schedule?”
I didn’t feel like I was asking dumb questions, but the abrupt response of the woman made me uncertain. “Um, I don’t know yet. How soon do I have to decide?”
The woman pushed her glasses up her nose. “It’s best to have it done before 12 weeks, but you can do it as late as 24 weeks, although if you wait that long the process costs a little more.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” Irritation laced the woman’s voice. She obviously did not enjoy all of my questions, which I found confusing. Weren’t these people supposed to help me decide?
“Why does it cost more?” I repeated.
The woman dropped her head and picked at something unseen on her pants. “There’s more to remove because the cells are bigger then.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. What wasn’t she saying? “Okay, thank you.” The woman turned back to her computer and resumed her tapping.
I tucked the brochure in my purse to read it more thoroughly later. My analytical mind had begun to whir, and it wouldn’t accept such hollow answers without research. I was glad Daniel had texted that he was working tonight because I didn’t think I would be able to hide this secret from him for long and I wasn’t quite ready to tell him about it yet.
The Power of Prayer Page 7
