Chapter 22
The two days that followed were the longest of my life. Though the doctor kept making assurances that the time I had waited hadn’t made much of a difference, I still battled a massive guilt every time I thought about it, and I worried about Hope constantly.
On top of that, the monitor on my belly to track Hope’s heartbeat wasn’t very comfortable, and if I moved too far in either direction, the sensors would lose track of Hope’s heartbeat and nurses would rush in to check on me, so I couldn’t get decent rest. I had to lie almost completely on my back, and it had gone numb sometime yesterday. And as they would only let me out of bed to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t stretch or take a shower, which left me feeling sore and grimy.
To top it all off, the doctors didn’t want me overstimulated or stressed out, so they capped the visitors to two at a time. Because there were so many people wanting to visit, this meant an almost constant flow of people coming in and out, at least until I got too tired and had to take a nap.
Still, I would gladly relive the past two days over again if it could mean foregoing the C-section today. Though I knew the hospital staff did them every day, one hadn’t been in my plan, and as much as I was trying to give everything to God, there were some things I just couldn’t let go.
As the nurses came into the room, my breath stopped. The fear I had been pushing away filled my body, and my veins ran ice cold. Unable to speak, I squeezed JD’s hand and shot him a look.
JD turned to the nurses. “Can you give us a minute?”
The team left and JD, my mother, and I joined hands. “Lord, I don’t know what your purpose is with this event in Callie’s life, and we want your will to be done, but we ask that you keep Hope and Callie safe and bring them both back to us after this is over. Give us peace with whatever happens and courage to keep doing your will. Amen.” His eyes perused my face, and he squeezed my hand and swallowed several times before he could continue speaking. “I love you Callie, and whatever happens, I will be right here with you.”
I could see the sheen in his eyes, and I nodded, trying to contain my own emotion to keep my tears from flowing again. “I love you too,” I whispered, hoping it wouldn’t be the last time I said it.
My mother leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead. She was unable to stop the tears flowing down her face. “I love you precious girl, and whatever happens, I am so proud of you.”
The door opened and one of the nurses poked her head back in. “I’m sorry, but we really need to go now; the room is ready and the anesthesiologist is waiting.” She entered as well as three other nurses. JD and my mother stepped back as the nurses unlocked the bed and wheeled me and my IV out into the hallway.
Usually, JD would have been able to accompany me into a C-section delivery, but the doctors were sure that my case was so advanced that I might need immediate medical attention, so he was not admitted. This information did nothing to calm the ball of nerves in my stomach.
As the bed was wheeled down the hall, I took deep breaths to calm my nerves. Lights flashed overhead, and I closed my eyes to avoid the nausea. I pictured the field of daisies from my dream so long ago and the little blond angel who had visited. It didn’t stop my heartbeat from reverberating in my ears.
Suddenly, I shivered. The temperature had dropped, and I lost my hold on the daisies. A cold silver, sterile operating room surrounded me as my eyes opened. A bright light hung from the ceiling, and I blinked. Several doctors were already busy prepping in the room. One was sitting on a stool near the bed.
“Hi, I’m Michael,” he said, taking my hand. “I have some music. Would you like music during the procedure?”
I didn’t know him; I could barely even tell what he looked like with the mask covering the lower part of his face and his hair hidden under a blue cap that matched his scrubs, but his hand sent a wave of comfort nonetheless.
“Do you have any Toby Mac?” My voice sounded small and distorted.
He smiled and squeezed my hand. “You bet. Now, my job is to make sure you aren’t feeling any pain so once we numb you, you’re going to focus on me and let me know if you feel anything okay?”
I nodded. Michael and a few other doctors helped me onto the operating bed, and then Michael picked up a long needle and injected my back. I grimaced at the pain. It took a few minutes, but as they laid me back, my legs grew numb.
“Okay, can you feel this?” Michael touched a spot on my leg.
I shook my head. I could see him poking my leg, but I could feel nothing.
“How about this?” He touched a different spot.
Again, I shook my head.
“Okay, then I believe we’re ready. Let me turn your music on.”
I tried to focus on the music instead of the pounding of my heart. Two doctors strapped my arms down straight out each side, and I couldn’t help thinking of a crucifixion. They told me it was so I wouldn’t grab at them while they were operating, but I couldn’t imagine doing that in the first place. Then they raised a blue sheet and blocked my view of what was happening, which increased my fear even more. The pounding in my head grew to a cacophonous beating.
Michael came back and took my hand once more as another doctor began the incision. I couldn’t feel the knife, but I could feel the tugging sensation, like someone was yanking my insides. Glancing up, I realized I could see a reflection of the doctor cutting my abdomen in the light above me. I closed my eyes and shivered. Ice seemed to be running through me like a liquid maze.
“We’ve got a bleed somewhere,” one of the doctors said and then the pain exploded in my head. Was this normal? I tried to open my eyes, wanting desperately to hear Hope’s cry, but the pain became too intense and the world went dark.
“We’re losing her.” The voice was soft, far away, but I thought it was Michael’s. Who were they losing? Me or Hope?
Another voice spoke, even softer, almost like a whisper through a door. “Let’s get the baby first, and then we can see what’s happening.”
There was silence in the darkness, and then the sound of a baby’s cry. A peace settled on me, and then the darkness took over.
**
JD and Melanie were still praying when a nurse stepped in the room. “I have some news.”
They both glanced up, and JD held his breath. Fear and excitement battled for the dominant emotion in his head.
“You have a daughter, and she looks great. We’re going to keep her in the NICU for a few days, but so far we don’t see any long term problems. She’s 5 lbs 5 ounces and 17 inches long.”
JD squeezed Melanie’s hand and flashed her a tight smile. He waited for the nurse to give an update on Callie and when she didn’t, his heart tightened, and he focused again on the woman, whose hands were tightly clasped in front of her.
JD swallowed the lump crowding his throat, “And how is Callie?”
The nurse paused, and her eye twitched as she looked at him. “I’m afraid there was a complication. The doctors are still working on her now.”
JD fell back into the chair.
“You can come see the baby whenever you’re ready,” the nurse offered gently.
“Thank you.” Melanie gave her a nod before turning to JD. “God is watching out for your wife now; let’s go meet your daughter,” she said, touching his shoulder.
JD stared at the change in her. The last two days, Melanie had seemed older, frailer, but suddenly it was like they had switched places, and she was the rock giving him needed strength and support. He accepted the change as he had nothing left at the moment to protest with. Surrendering to the mothering spirit she was offering, he stood and followed her down the hall, but inside he was still numb.
Hope Elizabeth Peterson was perfect. She appeared tiny, but the nurses assured them she was healthy. She had no real hair, but the slightest hint of blond fuzz covered her head, and her eyes were a bright blue.
JD feared holding her at first as the emotions were still battling inside him. On
e part of him longed to hold her, but another part insisted that it was her fault that Callie was in the situation she was in. That voice began to whisper that this baby wasn’t really his and that he’d never be able to love her if something happened to Callie.
JD fought the voice, knowing it was Satan trying to turn him from God’s plan. He held out his arms, and the nurse placed the tiny bundle in them. As JD held her, she seemed to look right at him, and then she wrapped her tiny hand around his finger. JD’s breath caught in his throat. He wondered again how people could throw these tiny human beings away. Even though she wasn’t his by blood, JD knew she was his daughter in every other sense of the word. He reluctantly handed her to Melanie after a few minutes and watched them bond as well.
His fear and anxiety flared anew without Hope in his arms. He needed another way to calm his nerves. “I’m going to go see if there’s any news on Callie.”
He left the room and headed down the hall to the nurse’s station. Callie’s doctor stood at the counter conversing with the nurses. As JD neared, he turned, a grim look on his face.
JD’s heart dropped. “Is she...?”
The doctor held up his hand. “There was a complication, but we managed to stop her bleeding. Unfortunately, she lapsed into a coma. We don’t know why or when she might come out of it, but she is alive.”
JD nodded and sank to the floor against the wall. It wasn’t the news he had hoped for, but at least she was alive. He stared at his phone knowing he should text Scott to share the news, but how did you write that the love of your life was in a coma?
A nurse touched his shoulder. “She’s back in her room now. Would you like to go see her?”
JD wiped his hand across his eyes and pushed himself up, following the nurse on legs that didn’t feel his own.
Callie looked frail and pale under the sheet. JD sat beside Callie and stroked her hand, pushing away the thought of Alexa’s death that kept crowding into his mind. “She’s beautiful,” his voice caught in his throat. “Hope is really beautiful. You did a good thing Callie. Please stay with us. You need to see this beautiful life God used you to create, and she needs to know you. I know that may be selfish, but please God, let her see her daughter.” JD put his head down on the side of Callie’s bed and wept openly.
Chapter 23
When I opened my eyes, I was in my living room. Though everything looked right, something felt wrong. My hands flew to my stomach, but it was no longer large and bulging. It was flat and soft, as if it had never held a baby.
“Hope?” I raced into the guest bedroom that JD and I had turned into a nursery, but it wasn’t a nursery; it was still a guest bedroom. The walls were still white, not the lavender JD had painted them for Hope. The roll top desk I had inherited from my grandfather was where the dresser should be, and the black futon couch was in the place of the crib. Clapping my hand over my mouth, my eyes darted around. “What’s going on?” Fear massaged my shoulders, and I backed out the room.
Nothing appeared out of place in the hallway, but in the kitchen no sonograms hung on the fridge. I bolted to the bedroom. There was no picture of JD and I on the nightstand, nor was my Bible in its prominent place. The front door lock clicked, and I raced back to the living room. Rooted to the spot, I watched the lock turn and the door open, and then I gasped. It was Daniel and not JD.
“What are you doing here?”
He glared at me as he threw his coat on the couch and his wallet on the hall table. “Cut the crap, Callie, I live here, remember? Have you been drinking again?”
“Drinking? What are you talking about? I haven’t had a drink since I found out I was pregnant.”
“Pregnant? Are you pregnant again?” His face flamed red, and he took a menacing step toward me.
“No, when I found out I was pregnant with Hope. You know nine months ago?”
“Who’s Hope, Callie?”
“The baby, you know the one you didn’t want? The one you said I should abort?”
“You did have an abortion, Callie.” He rolled his eyes and plunked down on the couch, as if this was a conversation we had had many times.
“What? No, I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t have. I mean, I remember going, but then I talked to Sandra, and I decided not to. I remember getting bigger and feeling her move. I saw her ultrasound.”
He sighed. “I know; you babble about it nearly every night when you toss and turn in bed. But you did have the abortion and then you changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at yourself.” He pointed a finger at me, and I looked down. I was standing in a bathrobe. “You quit your job. You stay home and drink all day, and now I honestly think you’re going crazy.”
“It happened.” I sucked in my breath and collapsed in a nearby chair.
“What?”
“I became one of the 80%.”
“What are you talking about?” He wasn’t listening though; he had picked up the remote and was surfing through channels on the TV.
“You know the 80% that suffer mental health problems after an abortion,” I said. “Remember, I told you about these abortion statistics when I didn’t want to give up the baby, and you said it wouldn’t happen to me. But it did.”
“Well whatever the reason, you need help Callie. I won’t stick around forever trying to clean up this mess. In fact, maybe I’ll go see Shaina.” He leaned back on the couch with his hands behind his head and shot me a challenging look.
It should have made me angry, but instead it calmed every nerve in my body. “You probably already have been. I get the feeling you aren’t ready to be tied down to just one woman.”
“Finally, you understand.” Smiling, he planted his feet on the coffee table. “I was so tired of coming up with lies. It really is exhausting, you know? And men aren’t meant to stay with just one woman. We need flavors.” He resumed clicking the remote. “Now maybe we can work out a plan. Like I spend weekdays here with you and weekends with her or maybe a three-four split? Maybe we can even spend a few nights together with all three of us?”
Swallowing the disgust that rose in my throat, I bit my lip to keep the unclean words I had for him from leaving my mouth. “I’ve got a better idea.” I flashed a tight smile at him. “Why don’t you take your stuff and spend every day with her?”
“Be realistic, Callie.” He didn’t even glance up at me. “You’re a mess. I can’t leave you here alone.”
My eyes narrowed, and I placed my hands on my hips. “I’m going to give you ten minutes, and then I’m going to call the cops.”
The chill in my voice grabbed his attention, and he glanced up. “Look, I’ll go tonight, but I’m serious, Callie, you can’t be alone, so I’ll be back tomorrow and we’ll get you some help.”
I picked up his coat and wallet and held them out to him. “Leave.” The word came out as two syllables, both accented forcefully and with as much hate as I could muster.
“Whatever,” he said, pushing himself off the couch. “You’re too much work anyway.” He grabbed his things and stormed out of the apartment.
As the door slammed shut, I sank down on the couch and covered my face with my hands. I knew this wasn’t the path I had chosen, but how did I leave this reality? The silence in the apartment began to close in on me, and I reached for my Bible, only it wasn’t on the table. A quick glance revealed it was nowhere in the living room. My eyes darted back and forth as I tried to remember where it might be. Then I remembered where I had found it the first time. Racing back into the bedroom, I bent down and looked on the nightstand. There it was, coated in dust, just as before. As I picked it up, peace flowed through me, but I still had no idea how to get back to the reality I knew. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and called my mother.
“How long has it been Mom?” I asked as soon as she answered.
“Well hi, Callie, how long has it been since what?”
I sat on the bed and picked at the robe. “Since I had the abortion, Mom, h
ow long?”
“Nine months, Callie. Your baby would have been born any day now. Are you still having dreams? Is that why you’re calling?” My mother sighed on the other end.
“No, or I don’t think so anyway. Mom, I’m not supposed to be here or at least not this here. See, I didn’t abort Hope. I kept her, but I developed preeclampsia. Something went wrong during the C-section, and I ended up here, but I’m not supposed to be here.” The words tumbled out in a rush.
“Callie, I think you are suffering from grief over your choice. Now I love you, but I did not love that decision. I would have loved a grandchild and you robbed me of that, but I’m praying to God to forgive you and you should pray for forgiveness, too. I also think it’s time you got some professional help.”
My forehead wrinkled, but I stayed silent at my mother’s accusation. I had no words to convince her, and I was beginning to be unsure myself. “Okay Mom, I will. Thanks.” I hung up the phone and stared at it for a minute. What can I do? JD’s handsome face popped into my head. He would be able to help me. I punched in the cell number I had long ago memorized and tapped my leg as it rang.
“Hello?” a female voice answered.
My mouth opened and closed, unable to form a word. I hung up the phone and dropped it as if it were a hot coal. Of course JD was with someone. In this reality, the last time he saw me was in the Caribbean with Daniel.
Picking up the Bible, I hugged it to my chest. Now that I had tasted it, a world without JD and without Hope held no meaning. “Is this how it would have been, God? Would my life have been so empty?” I lay back, closed my eyes, and prayed for this nightmare to be over.
Chapter 24
JD pulled into the church parking lot on his way to his apartment. He hadn’t wanted to leave Callie’s side, but Melanie had insisted that a) he take a shower and get some fresh clothing at least and b) that he go and see the prayer vigil that Scott had started at the church.
The Power of Prayer Page 17
