by Aileen Fish
Mom had been excited, but guardedly so. Dad was much more practical, disappointed Nick was giving up his plans to play football in college, giving up his plans to get a degree—any degree—to improve the odds of being able to find a decent job after graduation.
Morgan had worked until the doctor put her on bed rest at Thanksgiving, but she’d only been earning minimum wage at a local sandwich shop. Nick had been lucky enough to get a job stocking at the grocery store, which came with insurance. On his days off, he did construction cleanup for a contractor friend of Dad’s.
They hadn’t planned on what would happen if one of them died.
Nick didn’t have to look at his phone to know it was three days past the fourth anniversary of Morgan’s death. Some internal clock sounded an alarm each year and he steeled himself against the waves of guilt he knew would come. He had to keep up the front for Holly, and for his mom, so he wouldn’t be a wet blanket on their holiday.
The front door opened just in time, pulling Nick from the morose state creeping up. Allie and Tom walked in, with Molly in her carrier, hidden beneath a quilt he was sure Mom had sewn.
Nick turned down the volume of the football game Dad had on, and greeted his sister and brother-in-law. Allie gave him a hug. Tom set down the baby carrier and sat on the couch, his focus going straight to the game.
Allie had chosen a man just like their dad, it appeared. Nick was glad Dad had someone to watch the games with now that Nick lived down south.
As she unbuttoned her coat, Allie spoke to Nick. “Mom says you have a friend coming over.”
“It’s Sofia.” Leave it to Mom to make a big deal over nothing.
Allie tossed her coat over the back of a chair. “She didn’t say that. She made it sound like you had a girlfriend.”
“Nah, I just thought it would be like old times having her join us.”
Folding her arms across her chest, Allie looked down on him with all the big sister bossiness she could muster. “You’d better not be messing with her head.”
“Whose, Mom’s or Sofia’s? Besides, I’m not doing anything. Mom seems to think it would be so perfect if Sofia and I got together, but I don’t have time for a relationship.”
“Could you either hold it down, or turn the TV back up?” Dad asked.
Nick turned up the volume again hoping it would put an end to the discussion. No such luck.
Allie sat on the floor beside his legs. “You never had time for a relationship. Even when you were married. Maybe you should make the time. But not with Sofia.”
“What’s wrong with Sofia?”
“She had a bad breakup when she graduated. She and her boyfriend couldn’t agree on the future, so they went their separate ways.”
“Well, she seems to have gotten over it and has a new guy.”
Allie frowned. “Sofia? No.”
“Yes, I saw them together last night. And again at the rehearsal today. The piano player. Pauly something-or-other.”
Allie’s jaw dropped, and she burst out laughing.
Dad and Tom threw glares their way.
Leaning in and whispering, Allie said, “Pauly’s gay.”
It was Nick’s turn to frown. “You didn’t see the way he was hanging all over her at the Royal Oak. And the way he kissed her.”
“He kissed her?” Allie’s lips twisted as she considered that. “Did he know you were watching?”
“How do I know? I was walking across the room. Later, Sofia and I were about to eat and he hauled her off to dance.”
“Interesting. He either wanted to make you jealous, or he was protecting her from you.” She appeared to think more on it, then laughed again more quietly. “Very interesting.”
As he opened his mouth to argue, Allie suddenly sobered. “But leave her alone. She doesn’t need to be hurt again.”
That stung. “What do you mean?”
“I saw how she was in the days after you and Morgan got together. She was crushed.”
“But we were just friends.”
“Maybe she wished it was more. Either way, she took her breakup last summer very hard. So don’t start something you can’t follow through.”
She got up at that point and went into the kitchen. Dad and Tom were still deep in the game, or pretending to be so they didn’t have to talk about something like relationships.
That suited Nick just fine.
Chapter Six
It was silly for Sofia’s stomach to churn as she walked up the driveway at Nick’s parents’ home on Sunday afternoon. She’d been coming the past few weekends so Barb could help her get the costumes ready for the play. But today had an entirely different feel. Nick was home.
The whole family was home. She should be happy to be included again, be one of them. Her own home life hadn’t been big on doing things together. Dad worked nights, Mom worked days, so most meals Sofia had eaten alone while one or the other parent either got ready for work or decompressed from the work day. Going to the Randolphs’ house for dinner, with the four of them so talkative and full of laughter, was a lot more like what she saw on TV.
One day she’d have family dinners in her own home, with as many kids as she could sit around the table.
Holly answered Sofia’s knock, instantly drawing Sofia into the warm space that smelled of roast beef and pine. A tall, real Christmas tree stood before the large window, its tiny colored lights twinkling even though the sun still shone. Female voices from the back of the house were a soft undertone to the television in the living room.
Nick came quickly to the entryway. “Come on in.”
Holly tugged on Sofia’s hand. “Can we try on my angel costume?”
Sofia bent to talk to the girl. “I’m not here to work on costumes today. We’ll try them on at rehearsal tomorrow. Is that okay?”
“Okay. Do you want to come play in my room?”
Laughing, Sofia said, “Maybe a bit later. I should see if I can help your Grandma with dinner first.”
“Okay.” Holly ran down the hall toward the bedrooms.
Nick chuckled. “She’s still a bit wound up from rehearsals. Do you want something to drink?”
“I can get it, thanks.” Shrugging out of her coat, she hung it on one of the hooks on the wall. She recognized Allie’s voice in the kitchen and wanted the security of the women around her.
Nick followed her. “I tried, Mom. I offered Sofia a drink, but she said she’d get it herself.”
Smiling at Sofia, Barb responded, “She’s family. She knows where everything is.”
“What can I help with?” Sofia asked.
“Nothing at this point. We’ve done all the prep work. It’s time to play cards.” Barb steered them back into the dining room. She called to his husband and son-in-law. “Bill, Tom, come on.”
Tom stretched as he rose. Bill grabbed the pinochle deck from the drawer of the buffet, and they all took their seats at the dining table.
It was like old times, with Tom filling the seat normally filled by various friends. Sofia always sat next to Nick. She realized she thought of this as her seat. She never had a favorite spot at her own family’s dining table, since she ate most meals in front of the TV.
The laughter and family cheer sent a flood of emotions through her. She wanted to sink into it, wrap it around her like a fuzzy blanket.
Nick caught her eye and tipped his head in question. Sofia shrugged, looking to see whose play it was. When Nick’s turn came, he laid down an illegal move. His dad jumped on him, chuckling. “You always did pay more attention to the pretty girl rather than the cards.”
Sofia glanced at Nick, surprised to hear this.
Nick shook his head while sorting through his cards. “I haven’t played in forever. I can’t remember from pinochles and marriages.”
“Good excuse,” Allie said. “We’ll pretend we don’t remember what a crush you had on her.”
Sofia almost dropped her cards. She raised her eyebrows at Allie, who laughed and nod
ded, but didn’t elaborate.
Allie’s words echoed in Sofia’s thoughts through dinner and dessert. She practically floated through the evening, trying to figure out what’d gone wrong that Nick had ended up with Morgan, not her, if he’d really been crushing on her once upon a time.
But none of that mattered. In some ways it added to the melancholy of what might have been, but she preferred to deal in reality.
When they’d finished eating, Tom and Bill headed for the couch and recliner while Allie and Sofia helped Barb clean up. A very real Nick touched her arm when she came to grab more dirty glasses from the table. “Want to go look at Christmas lights?”
Holly was getting ready for bed. Allie and Tom were preparing to leave. That meant she’d be alone with Nick in the car. Her hesitation was silly. Like she was going to get her heart broken while driving to look at houses lit up for the season. “That sounds fun.”
Nick followed Sofia to her apartment to drop off her car, and they took his to see the lights. His car smelled of his cologne, in a subtle, inviting way. Nick chose a radio station that played Christmas carols and drove toward the more expensive, newer homes.
Tired of trying to find polite things to say, Sofia dove right in to what was on her mind. “I was surprised to hear you had a crush on me.”
“Were you? I guess I kept it pretty well hidden. I didn’t want to lose you as a friend if you didn’t like me.”
“We were so young.” And she’d been innocent, too, unlike some of the other girls. There was one thing she’d never understood that had driven them apart. “Can I ask you something?”
“I guess, yeah.”
“How did you end up with Morgan? I mean, I never noticed you were interested in her before her party.”
His right thumb tapped a rhythm on the steering wheel. “She was pretty enough. I hadn’t given her much thought before then, though.”
“Something changed at the party?” She could tell he didn’t really want to talk about it, but she needed to put this ghost to rest.
“It’s kind of embarrassing. She was flirting with me. Really coming on to me. I guess I didn’t resist hard enough.”
That was it? No declaration of how badly he wanted her before they had sex? She wanted to hate him for it, but he’d been eighteen. She probably could have been sweet-talked into bed just as easily at that age, if she hadn’t been so heartbroken over losing Nick to Morgan.
“It was really stupid.” Nick seemed to be opening up more. “I was really stupid. I believed her when she said she was on the pill. By the time I thought about a condom I was beyond sense.”
She almost reached out to put her hand on his coat sleeve, but held back. His admission made her like him even more, if it was possible. He took full responsibility for an action he was only half guilty of.
“I can’t bring myself to regret it though, because of Holly. She’s been such a blessing in my life.”
“You’re lucky. She’s such a delightful little girl.”
They went quiet as they drove past some conspicuously grand lighting displays. The mood in the car was no longer cheery and bright. Sofia felt guilty for throwing a wet blanket on their evening, but she could feel some of the distance between them had narrowed.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said.
“I haven’t talked about it to anyone. It’s been kind of bottled up in me for a long time.”
They turned down another street, following the slow-moving line of cars. When they reached a corner, Nick turned out of the neighborhood. “I’m not much in the mood for Christmas.”
Guilt tugged at her stomach. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No, I’m glad you did.” At a stop sign, he gazed at her, his eyes hidden in the darkness so she couldn’t read his expression. “Would you mind if we go somewhere and talk?”
“Not at all. Why don’t we go to my place and I’ll make us some cocoa or coffee.”
Nick gave her a small smile as he turned the car around.
Chapter Seven
Nick looked around Sofia’s apartment and realized he’d never been to her home, even when they were kids. Her dad was usually sleeping during the day, so they played elsewhere. She had good taste, an eclectic mix of antique and vintage furniture with modern fabrics and colors. It really suited the girl he used to know.
He started to follow her into the kitchen when he noticed photos on the wall. He flipped on the hallway light to see them better. A few were of Sofia with her dad or mom, but the rest were of her with friends. He was in more than not, but so were Allie, Katie and Sofia’s friend Pauly.
The most recent one was of Sofia in her college cap and gown, her smile not reflecting the pride she must have felt at reaching her goal. He was curious what was going through her head at the time.
He called out to Sofia. “Great pictures. I remember when a lot of these took place.”
“Happy times,” she agreed from the kitchen.
“You don’t look very happy at your graduation.”
She shrugged as she brought him a mug and motioned to the small couch. “I broke up with my boyfriend the week before.”
“That would take some of the fun out of it. What happened?”
“I finally admitted the life we would share wasn’t enough for me. If I hadn’t ended it, we would have married by default eighteen months after he began his dental practice.”
He chewed the inside of his lip. “Sounds familiar.” Leaning back against the cushions, he closed his eyes and tipped his head back. If only he’d had that foresight when he’d first learned Morgan was pregnant.
A volcano rumbled inside him and he couldn’t blame it on dinner. He’d held his anger and frustration inside for too long, and he had the beginnings of an ulcer, according to his doctor. As hard as it was to bring himself to form the words that might release him from his anguish, he knew he had to get it out in the open at some point.
Opening his eyes again, he stared at the ceiling where shadows created by the artificial candles danced about. “I didn’t believe Morgan when she told me she was pregnant.”
This next part was the hardest to admit. “And then, I wondered if it was mine.”
“That’s not so surprising, really,” Sofia said softly.
The couch was small enough to lend the same sort of intimacy, privacy, as his car had, which helped a lot. “I knew the right thing to do, the only thing to do, was to marry Morgan.”
“It was the responsible move.”
He sat forward, leaning his elbows on his legs as a nauseating heat washed over him and his heart pounded. “It was a stupid decision. We were classmates who’d slept together once. You can’t build a life off that. Even if there’s a baby involved.”
Sofia put her hand on his back and stroked softly, but said nothing.
“I worked so much, I didn’t spend a lot of time with Morgan. We were more like roommates than husband and wife.” He hadn’t even been infatuated with her, so he didn’t put out any effort to change their relationship.
God knows what their lives would have been like if she’d lived.
“Late in the pregnancy Morgan had problems with swelling and high blood pressure—preeclampsia, I think they called it—and her doctor put her on bed rest. Her mom and mine brought meals for us. Allie was home from college on winter break so she set up the nursery.” He’d used money as an excuse to work, to stay away from home. There was a lot of truth in that, though. Insurance took care of the biggest part of the medical bills, but there were so many things they had to buy. His parents helped, but he hated taking money from them.
“She went into labor a couple of weeks early, but Holly was healthy, and big enough to come home the next day. Morgan seemed fine, too. She was really happy taking care of Holly.”
He reached for his drink and took a sip, but the coffee only added to the acid in his stomach. The mug was almost too hot to cup in his hand, but the sting in his fingers was a mino
r penance for the things he’d done.
Mom and Dad knew most of what happened just a few weeks later, and they’d surely let Morgan’s parents know, but Nick had never revealed the full picture to anyone. It was a solid lump in his gut now, a tumor of emotions that continued to grow the longer he held it in.
Sofia was the only person he could trust the whole truth with, but that didn’t make it any easier to tell.
“I came home from work at sixty-thirty that morning. I could hear Holly screaming as I unlocked the door.” His throat tightened as he slipped back to that day and told Sofia what had happened.
The wavering cries told him the baby had been crying for a long time. She was beyond hysterical. He went straight to her crib, talking softly to her while changing her diaper and putting her in a dry sleeper. Where the hell was Morgan?
Putting Holly on his shoulder, he’d gone to the kitchen and made a bottle. Holly whimpered as she sucked voraciously, and those gut-wrenching little hiccup breaths finally calmed. When she finished the bottle, he rubbed her back the way Mom had shown him.
Morgan still hadn’t gotten up, and she was usually making his breakfast by then. Anger simmered in him, and he clenched his jaw to keep from letting the baby feel his tension. With Holly in one arm, he changed the sheet on her crib and lay the sleeping baby back down.
Then he stormed the few steps to the bedroom he shared with Morgan. What had she been up to last night to make her sleep so late? Why hadn’t she heard the baby’s cries?
She lay with her back to him on the far side of the bed. “Morgan, wake up,” he called.
She didn’t move. He rounded the bed and reached for her shoulder. As she rolled back from his touch, he saw the darkened, bruised skin on her face. She lay limp, her eyes closed as if she slept. He recoiled in shock, an odd sound escaping his lips, and stood staring at his dead wife.
A quiet sniffle from beside him was the only sign he’d spoken all of that out loud. The truth was finally out there for someone else to know what an ass he’d been when he found Morgan. His cheeks were wet. Sofia sniffed again beside him and got up to get a box of tissues off the counter, which she set in front of him.
