“No way. It’s fine. I’ll order something for us.”
Meg’s phone rang at that precise moment. She picked it up and tossed it back down, seeing Sasha’s name on the caller ID. She silenced the call immediately, but it rang again less than a minute later.
“This is classic. I’m sure she’s finally free of him, so now she wants to talk.”
Almost on cue, her phone beeped with a text.
Meg, please answer the phone.
No, she typed back immediately.
I really need to see you. I want to explain.
Meg spoke the words out loud as she typed them. “Fuck you, you fucking whore.”
“Don’t send that,” Tracy said.
“Too late,” Meg responded. She glared at Tracy. “Doesn’t matter anyway.”
Tracy licked her lips, appearing to choose her words carefully. “Meg, just be careful about saying things you can’t come back from.”
“I should be careful?” Meg rushed to her own defense.
“Look, it’s just you don’t really know what happened. Not yet, anyway.”
Betsy put both of her hands on the table. “Tracy has a point, Meg. Is there any chance, and I know this might sound crazy, but is there any chance you’re misinterpreting what you saw?”
Meg tucked her chin and answered with an eyebrow raise. “I wasn’t drunk. There was a lot of light.”
Betsy nodded, considering. “I know, but what if what you saw was the guy—”
“Scott.”
“What if what you saw was Scott making a move on Sasha and then you left and she pushed him away, and that was it.”
“And then I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night?” Meg countered. “And instead of coming to me to explain, she stayed in her own room by herself, where she hasn’t slept all week? And she couldn’t look at me all morning?” Meg huffed out a breath. “I doubt it.” She stared at the tabletop, wishing Betsy’s explanation was true, but knowing somewhere deep inside it wasn’t. “No, I’m pretty sure what I saw was the beginning, before they went back to his room, before she let him fuck her.” Her voice hitched in her throat. “I’m pretty sure that’s what I saw.”
The three of them sat there, dead quiet, considering Meg’s words until a loud knock at the door broke the silence.
“Meg, it’s me. Please let me in. I need to talk to you,” Sasha’s voice pleaded from outside.
Tracy looked at Meg. “We’ll go.”
“No, stay,” she ordered, but when she got up to open the door, they disappeared up the stairs to Tracy’s bedroom.
Sasha stood outside Meg’s house, still in her suit from the afternoon, her luggage in tow. Meg watched the neon yellow cab speed off down the street, fully aware Sasha had come directly from the airport.
“Please listen to me,” Sasha begged.
She opened the door and let Sasha past her but Meg barely moved from the entranceway, saying nothing.
“I don’t know what you saw exactly,” Sasha started. Her voice shook and Meg could tell she was on the verge of crying. “It’s not what you think.”
“I saw you and Scott outside the hotel bar.” Meg’s voice was low but sharp. “His hands were all over you. I didn’t see you stopping him.”
Sasha nodded at the floor, not denying anything.
“Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me this is all a big misunderstanding.” Meg’s voice was louder now. “You can’t, can you?”
Sasha shook her head, and Meg saw tears sliding down her cheeks. She wiped them away and made eye contact with Meg. “I didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what you think.”
“Oh, well in that case.” Meg’s voice was bitter. “You went back to his room, though, right?”
Sasha looked off to the side, not quite admitting it. “We didn’t have sex, I swear.”
“Great. You want a medal, for what? Only sucking his cock?” She knew it was mean, but she didn’t back off. “Awesome. I’m so proud of your restraint.”
Sasha looked hurt, her face was blotchy, and she was unable to keep the tears from coming down in a steady stream. “Meg, I made a mistake. I am so, so sorry.”
Despite her anger, Meg was crying too. “I can’t even look at you.”
“Please, Meg. I’m begging you.”
Meg leaned back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling for a long minute, thinking past Sasha’s cheating to take stock of their entire time together. She collected herself, swallowing hard, and tried for a calm voice.
“Sash, I’m ready to be in a relationship. A real one.” She lifted her shoulders. “I don’t want to be a secret or be someone that’s good enough until a better offer comes along—”
“Meg, you’re not—”
“Let me finish.” She put her hand up. “This isn’t going to work.” She jutted her chin out a little and ignored the sting in her throat. “If I’m going to be with someone, it has to be solid. I need to know where I stand.” She blinked back her pain. “And truthfully, you’ve told me all along. But I just don’t see any way to make this be what we both need right now. So let’s just stop. Before the stakes get any higher. Before someone gets hurt worse.” She was talking about herself, but she saw real sorrow in Sasha’s face.
“I just need more time. Another chance.”
Meg was fighting the tears, and her voice shook when she spoke. “I can’t.” She pressed her head into the wall. “I won’t,” she corrected. “I’m sorry.” She wasn’t going to be able to hold it together much longer. Her voice was barely audible. “You have to leave.”
Sasha didn’t protest. She hung her head, crying openly as she wheeled her carry-on behind her. Meg closed the door and laid her head against it, sobbing quietly into the night.
*
Meg didn’t see Sasha again until a full week later, when she spotted her exiting Anne Whitmore’s corner office at Sullivan & Son. Again, she was crying. Meg saw her wipe at her cheeks before she hugged Anne. Sasha caught sight of Meg and their eyes locked. Meg’s heart sank immediately and she suspected Sasha’s did too from the look on her face. They stood frozen for a second, silently acknowledging each other from twenty-five feet away until Sasha’s lips turned up in a kind of smile and she looked both incredibly sad, yet relieved at the same time. It was the strangest expression, beautiful and heartbreaking. Meg thought she would remember it forever.
Fifteen minutes later, along with the rest of the company, Meg received an email from Anne stating Sasha Michaels had accepted a consulting position with a rival firm. Today was her last day. Meg sniffled as she read it, blinking back her tears. She grabbed the sweater from the back of her chair and walked out, taking the rest of the afternoon off to wander the city as she mourned her loss in solitude.
*
Meg was just entering Bay West when Lexi pulled up next to her. Powering down the window, Lexi leaned across and patted the front passenger seat. “Get in.”
Meg barely lifted her eyes from the ground. She knew she looked like hell and wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. “I should get home.” She touched the door with her hand. “Maybe another time.”
Lexi shook her off. “Come on, just take a ride with me.”
Meg lifted the door handle and reluctantly slid into the front seat. “Where are we going?”
“CVS. We’re out of tampons at my house.”
“How does that happen?” Meg asked, still avoiding eye contact.
“Four women, same cycle, that’s how.”
“Your mothers still get their periods?”
“They do.” Lexi pulled in to the lot and slid into a diagonal spot along the wall, cutting the engine. She looked right at Meg. “How are you doing with the whole Sasha thing?”
“I’m fine,” Meg said as she peered out the window at the traffic light.
“Meg, it’s me. Cut the bullshit. How are you really?”
Meg answered with a noncommittal shrug. Lexi pressed on. “How is it at work? Do you talk to each other?”
>
Meg choked back tears as she answered. “She quit.”
“Are you serious?”
Meg nodded. “Just today. She hasn’t been in all week. She came in before and resigned.”
“Oh my God.”
Meg swallowed hard. “It’s for the best, I’m sure.”
“She texted me,” Lexi said.
“What?”
“She texted me. This afternoon.” Lexi made eye contact. “She misses you, Meg. I think she loves you.”
Meg tried for stoic. “What difference does that make?”
“Come on, Meg. It makes all the difference.”
Meg rubbed at her swollen eyes but said nothing for a minute. Finally she looked at Lexi. “How could it possibly work? I mean, forget about everything else.” She shook her head dismissively. “How would we ever get past this, even. This thing with Scott? Seriously, Lex, how?”
Lexi reached over and touched her forearm. “Meg, don’t get mad at me here. I’m not defending Sasha, I swear.” She paused before continuing, seeming to choose her words carefully. “But she was drunk, right? And I’m sure she’s still a mess over her mother,” she noted. “And she’s probably still confused about who she is and now she doesn’t even have her mom to talk to about it.” Lexi looked out her window at the sea of parked cars around her. “I would be a disaster if I lost either one of my mothers, and I have two of them,” she added.
“So that gives her license to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants?”
“I didn’t say that.” Lexi turned to face Meg. “I just think…I don’t know. People make mistakes sometimes, and it takes a really big person to forgive them.”
Meg’s voice held both sorrow and anger. “You think I should forgive her?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Lexi stared out the windshield. “You love her?” she asked quietly.
Meg waited a second in silence. Finally she nodded. In a small voice she added, “I thought she was it.” She swiped at a tear that fell down her cheek and turned to look out her own window. “I never felt anything like it in my whole life,” she said, a little embarrassed at the admission.
“I hate seeing you hurt, Meg. You’re the best person. Sasha knows it too.”
Meg leaned her head back into the headrest, facing forward. “Even if I took her back—assuming that’s what she wants, which we don’t actually know—”
“I think you do know it.”
“But, Lex, think about it. If I forgave her or whatever, isn’t that just like telling her it’s okay? I mean, what’s to stop her the next time?”
Lexi ran her middle finger over the gearshift considering Meg’s words. “I don’t think it works like that.”
“No?”
Lexi shrugged. “Sorry, I don’t.”
“What if Jesse cheated on you? You would just be fine with it?”
Lexi huffed out a small breath. “God, no. I would die.” She didn’t meet Meg’s eyes as she continued. “But I can’t imagine being without her either.” She chewed her bottom lip. “I don’t know what I’d do. It hurts my heart to even think about it.”
Meg knew the feeling. More than once in the last week she’d felt a dull pain in her chest as though she could actually feel her heart breaking apart little by little.
“I can’t do it.” Meg gritted her teeth, holding back a sob. “I just can’t.” She pulled an old Starbucks napkin from the door and wiped her nose with it. “But God, it fucking hurts.” Meg swallowed hard, but the tears came anyway. “I never want to feel this way again.”
“Come here.” Lexi pulled her in close and hugged her tight for a long, long time.
Chapter Twenty-six
Betsy knocked on Meg’s screen door and opened it at the same time. “Hello?” she called inside.
“Hey, Bets,” Meg said from the kitchen table where she was working on her laptop. “Come on in. She’s not home yet.”
“Are you working?” Betsy said, checking her watch.
“I had a client in Jersey this morning, so I worked from home after that. I’m just finishing up.”
“I can wait outside or up in Tracy’s room. I don’t want to be in your way.”
“Shut up.” Meg closed her laptop. “It’s five o’clock anyway. I’m done.” She walked to the fridge and grabbed two Lagunitas, handing one to Betsy. “Happy Friday.”
“Cheers,” Betsy responded, taking a sip as she looked down at her phone, which had just lit up with a text.
“Is that Trace?”
Betsy nodded. “On her way home from the golf course now.”
“I stopped by and saw her there last weekend, Bets.” Meg shook her head. “You have to do it. She was giving a lesson to this teenager. I can’t even describe it. She’s so in her element. You have to see her out there in action. Just trust me on this one.”
“I will.” Betsy smiled. “I’m so happy she’s giving these pro lessons. She loves it,” she said, stopping to consider something for a second. “Geez, though, I hope she can keep it up after she gets hired at ESPN.”
“What are you talking about?”
“She didn’t tell you?” Betsy sounded surprised at first, but then not at all. “Of course she didn’t.” She twisted her mouth into a sly smile. “In her defense, I guess there’s nothing to really tell, just yet.” At Meg’s confused look, she continued. “We went to dinner a few weeks back with her friend from California. Kristen something or other—”
“Right, I remember.”
“Kristen’s boyfriend, God, I have no idea what his name was,” Betsy added absentmindedly. “Anyway, he’s got a big job at the network. They were in New York on business and I’m pretty sure Kristen set up the dinner to introduce Tracy to him and try to get her lined up with a job.” Betsy sipped her beer. “Let me tell you, it worked. This guy was completely enamored of Tracy. I would be shocked, I mean completely shocked, if Tracy does not get a job based entirely on that dinner.” Betsy smiled proudly. “She has an official interview set up in a few weeks, but I guarantee it’s a formality.”
“Wow. That’s awesome.”
“Meg, she was amazing.” Betsy bit her lip, obviously remembering the details. “The thing is, she wasn’t even trying. She was just being herself. Talking about sports all night. She was completely in her glory too, to finally have someone to go back and forth with on her level.”
“I can’t wait to grill her about it,” Meg said. “What’s up with you two tonight?”
“Not sure. No real plans yet.” Betsy looked across the table. “Want to hang with us?”
“Thanks, but I’m going out with Lexi actually. We’re going to grab dinner, do some shopping, maybe catch a movie.” Meg knew her friends were taking turns making sure she wasn’t spending all her time alone, wallowing. She appreciated their concern and their coordinated efforts to include her.
“How are you doing with everything?” Betsy asked.
Meg nodded, considering. “I’m okay.” She lifted her beer and wiped the ring of moisture it left on the table with her bare hand, before drying her palm on her jeans. “I’m okay,” she said again, with more conviction this time because, in truth, she was.
*
Meg got her life back on track mostly by staying busy. She helped her sister by babysitting her niece often, trying to give Shannon and Matt a chance for a night out here and there before their second baby arrived in July. She also surprised herself by staying with the hot yoga. She never found it relaxing, it was more like an ass-kicking workout, but it was a full ninety minutes where she didn’t think about Sasha at all. Mainly because she was too busy using every cell in her body to avoid passing out. The side effect was she had lost ten pounds and three inches off her waist since January. She felt lighter and more agile, and the payoff was showing every Thursday night when she killed it at shortstop in the Bay West softball league.
It was gorgeous and warm for tonight’s spring league semifinals. Even factoring in the nice weather, Meg was pleasant
ly surprised at the size of the crowd watching. Her stomach did a weird flip when she made random eye contact with Reina, who was sitting next to Teddy and Jesse in the bleachers.
Down 4–2 in the top of the fifth, her team was feeling the absence of Tracy, who hadn’t yet returned from her big interview this afternoon. Meg dipped into the stands and located Betsy.
“Any word from Trace?” she asked.
“Nothing.” Betsy frowned. “I know that’s bad news for you guys. But it’s probably a good sign for her.”
“Yeah, I know. Just being selfish over here,” Meg said with a smile. “We could really use her bat right about now.” The truth was Tracy was virtually unstoppable and everyone knew it. It almost didn’t matter what field Tracy was on—baseball diamond, basketball court, soccer pitch—Tracy Allen was a superior athlete. Hand injury be damned, the girl was good as new, possibly better.
Even after the loss, Meg was still pumped. It was a good game, played on a beautiful night, and tomorrow was Friday. Immediately after shaking hands with her opponents, she found Lexi and Betsy.
“You guys up for drinks and burgers at my place?”
When they agreed readily, Meg grabbed some of the other girls on her team and extended the invite to them as well. She turned around and Reina was in front of her.
“Hey there, Megan McTiernan.” Reina eyed her up and down. A nice smile emerged and she raised her eyebrows. “I like your, uh”—she waved her hand up and down to indicate Meg’s body—“baseball getup, here.” She nodded playfully in agreement with her own statement. “The pants are especially nice.”
Meg laughed and looked at her cleats, her cheeks burning from the compliment.
“How have you been, Reina?”
“Good. You?”
“Good, yeah.” Meg could see her friends packing up in the distance and she knew she needed to get home to set up for the impromptu barbecue. “Listen, I’m having a thing at my house. Like, now. Would you, I mean, do you want to come by?”
Reina glanced back to where Teddy was standing a few feet away. “Yes. Absolutely.” She smiled a little. “Let me just tell Teddy. I’m sure we’ll stop by her place first. See if Rose wants to come,” she said. “Do you need us to bring anything?”
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