by R. E. Carr
“I never felt like that. My family’s just a normal family. Sure, my dad left when I was ten, but I didn’t really see him much before that anyway. Mom’s good. She tries her best. I’m really the only family she’s got around here. My cousins and the rest of them are in Florida. God, I’m babbling—”
“I do not mind. I am used to wandering conversations.”
“So, um, why aren’t you a monk?”
“Met a girl.”
“Oh. No vow of chastity,” Jenn snickered. “She must’ve been some girl.”
“She was. It took me a while to see it, but she definitely was.”
“And we’re almost in Central Square,” Jenn said as she looked up at the street signs. “Where did the time go?”
“You stopping here?”
“No, I’ve got to get all the way to downtown Boston. I’m supposed to get ready . . . to, um, go out with Ian tonight.”
“Oh, so you stay at his place? I should let you get going.”
Jenn shrugged. “Whatever.”
They continued on their way, past the crowd and construction of Cambridge’s Central Square. As Jenn caught sight of the dome of MIT, she stopped cold. Blue cocked his head at her. “What is up?”
“MIT—”
“Yeah. It is a school, a damn good one I might add. What about it?”
“My old roommate, Sara, used to go there. I wonder if they have records on where her family is now.”
“Have you tried a phone book?”
“They aren’t listed,” Jenn said softly. “You know, I haven’t walked this way in months. I used to live just across the river, off Commonwealth Ave. Sara would walk this way every day when she worked in the computer lab. I think it’s down a side street not too far from here.”
Just then, Jenn felt a buzz from her purse. She peeked inside to see a number on her new cell phone. She started walking back toward the city, and the buzzing stopped. “Wait a second. Why would Ian call me from work? Blue, I have to go make a side trip to the computer lab over there. It was nice meeting you.”
“I do not know. You might need protection from all the geeks. They might spear you with a rogue Number Two pencil. I am not doing anything anyway, if you do not mind the company.”
She started to cross the street and her phone rang again. “It’s happening all over again. Every time I try—”
Blue squinted at the screen. “Why will that guy not wait? What is so important?”
“My roommate, the one who used to work at MIT, died a few months ago. There was a fire in our apartment. I was the only one to survive,” Jenn blurted out. “That’s why I wear my bandage. I don’t want to see the scar, because—”
“Because you lived and you feel guilty?” Blue offered. He reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Jenn’s ear. “I know how you feel. My mom died because of . . . I suppose I feel guilty every time I look in the mirror.”
“It’s so funny. I’ve never talked to anyone like this. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel comfortable with you. Like we’ve known each other for a long time.”
“Maybe we met in a past life,” Blue offered. “Hey, why don’t we go check this lab out? Ian can wait, can he not?”
The moment she turned to cross the street, her phone buzzed again. She peeked into her bag and saw an old picture of her and Sara. The colors were faded and the edges torn. Next to that picture was a sketch on a receipt—a sketch of the very same young man who had been following her like a lost cat.
Jenn took another step toward the computer lab and grabbed her head. “The Seal of the Soul,” she whispered. “I must come to an understanding between worlds.”
“Hey, sweetheart? You are mumbling.”
“It’s not there, not with Sara,” Jenn whispered. “It’s me. It’s not Sara, not you, not Ian—It’s me! I mean it’s me in here. Ugh, why does it always come back to me?”
In a daze, she stumbled down Mass Ave. The last rays of the sun sank into the river. As she stepped away from MIT, her eyes began to clear. She clicked on her phone.
Twenty-three messages.
Behind her, Blue rubbed his eyes. He jogged up to her. “Hey! Wait a sec,” he cried.
“I need to get back to Ian. I’m—I’m late again.”
Her lip trembled as she stepped out onto the Mass Ave Bridge. The breeze was pouring in from Boston Harbor, filling the air with a slightly salty scent. She could see all the lights of the city twinkling across the river. Her eyes were drawn a set of lights just beyond the bridge.
“I used to live there,” she said.
Glassy-eyed, she took a few more steps. Finally, Blue grabbed her hand. “Hey, sweetheart, snap out of it!” he said.
She jerked her hand away. “My name is Jenn. Not hon, not sweetheart, not Serif-fan. Just Jenn!”
“Jenn, do not go across that river again. Stay here.”
“What?”
“Stay here . . . with me,” Blue said.
Jenn ran over the bridge until she reached exactly the halfway point between Boston and Cambridge. She stopped and grabbed the railing, let the wind rush over her. Far below, in the Charles River, strange echoes began to sound.
“Everything is OK. Everything is A-OK,” she chanted.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Blue easing his way toward her. Despite it still being early at night, no one else was out walking. Jenn turned around. The normally thick Mass Ave traffic was gone.
“No cars,” she whispered. “No cars at all.”
“Hey, Jenn, will you listen to me?” Blue called.
Jenn stared at him. Once again the jacket and the bleach-blond facade melted away and she saw a man dressed in a fur vest and leather pants. His skin faded to inhuman gray and eyes changed to glowing slits. She blinked—and once again he returned to normal.
“I have to get back to Ian. He’s waiting for me.”
“No, Ian is not for you. You know that!”
Jenn shook her head violently. “Get away from me! I’m going home.”
Blue reached out his hand to her. “Please just listen. I do know how you feel. I do not belong here either.”
“But I do,” Jenn said as her first tear in ages slid down her cheek. “I do belong here.”
He took a few more steps. “Jenn, did I ever tell you why I like scars?”
“What?
“The reason I like scars . . . ,” he said softly. He reached out and took her hand. She tugged away from him for a second, but that was all. In a single step, he had moved to just inches away from her face. “I told you there was a girl. She had a scar too.” With his other hand, he lifted up the hem of her shirt. She shuddered as she felt his fingers slide in a semicircle up her side and then along her stomach. “Right about there.”
“Blue . . .” Jenn dropped her eyes.
“Nice abs, by the way.”
“T-Thanks.”
“She got that scar when she jumped in front of a psycho carrying a sword. He was going to stab me, but she took the hit instead.”
“She must have been some girl,” Jenn said. “Blue, please. Please don’t touch me like that. Your friend . . .”
“My friend does not own you.” He slid his fingers back around. “Funny, you have a scar on your side too.”
Jenn pulled up her shirt and stared in horror at the pink half-moon running up from her hip. She grabbed the rail for dear life, holding herself up. More and more tears began to fall. Down in the river, a shadow slid under the bridge.
She reached up and slowly pulled the gauze from her forehead. Jenn let out her breath and tossed the dirty white scrap into the river. Beside her, Blue gasped audibly.
“It’s horrible, isn’t it?”
As she looked up at Blue she could see a red light reflected off his skin. She touched her forehead. Instead of skin, she could feel cool stone. She leaned over the rail and could see the red light continuing all the way down into the water.
“Don’t do it, Jenn!” a new vo
ice cried. She turned to see Ian running along the railing from the Boston side. “Jenn!”
“Jenn, please. Listen to me. You do not belong with him!” Blue’s voice transformed as he spoke. The words twisted from New England–accented English into the guttural tongue of the Beast Tribe. “You belong with me.”
All semblance of humanity faded once and for all as Jenn found herself face-to-face with Kei. His deformed hand now held hers. She stared at the claws and the soft speckled fur. Ian stopped cold.
“You can’t possibly choose that thing over me!” he cried. His hair looked even more violet in the light of the street lamps.
Jenn smiled sadly. “I already did. I . . . remember now.”
Kei cocked his head. “I remember too. I do not belong here. I am supposed to bring you back.”
Jenn looked back at the water. “I understand. The seal is here. The Seal of the Soul is in my mind.”
Ian took a few more steps forward. “What are you talking about? Look, I’ll call the doctor. We’ll work this out—”
Jenn shook her head. “You’re here to trap me. If I stay, the seal never opens.”
“Ji-ann . . . ,” Ian said. His voice deepened and the violet in his eyes and hair began to brighten.
“You aren’t Eon! Eon would never try to stop me!” Jenn howled.
Far below, the water began to froth. The red glow from Jenn’s forehead brightened until she could see shadows drifting in the Charles—shadows that coalesced into a single letter. She whispered, “What do I have to do now?”
“Ji-ann?” Kei asked.
On the other side of the bridge, she could barely see the glowing “T” sign that marked the entrance to the Hynes Convention Center stop. The moment Ian noticed her eyes wander, he planted himself in the middle of the sidewalk, blocking the view.
“I have to get out of this place,” she whispered.
Kei took a tentative step forward. “Ian, leave us alone. She does not belong here—” he started to say.
Jenn bolted past them both, cutting Kei off.
“I’ll see you soon!” she cried.
Ian tried to grab her arm, but Kei intervened. The larger man hurled Kei against the railing. Although something cracked in his chest, Kei still managed to spring back and tackle Ian.
“Run, Ji-ann!” Kei yelled before getting punched in the jaw.
The moment she stepped off the bridge, all the traffic came flooding back to the streets. She shoved against new crowds of students. Mass Ave became bumper-to-bumper.
“I won’t be stopped by traffic,” Jenn grunted as she hopped onto the hood of some kid’s Mercedes. She heard the driver yelling, but continued by jumping onto a Volvo.
“Stop!”
She ignored the police officer conveniently rounding the corner and bolted for the station door. She had to jump over a bum to jerk the door open. “Stop her!” she heard someone yell. It sounded like Ian.
Jenn ignored the people flooding the turnstiles and took a running leap down the stairs. Behind her, the man in the token booth cried out for the police. She kept running.
She could hear the rumbling at the base of the stairs even as she was forced to grab her aching side. Somehow, she found the strength to shove through a gang of preppy schoolgirls and to leap into the subway car just as the final warning bell rang.
Jenn doubled over and caught her breath. Despite the crowd outside, the subway car was completely empty.
“No one on the Green Line at Hynes?” she muttered. “Now I know this is fake.”
“Is it?” a soft voice offered from the back row of seats.
Jenn turned to face the voice, gripping the rail as the car swayed. The conductor still hadn’t called out the next stop. “I doubt that we’re going to Copley,” Jenn muttered.
The girl in the back row smiled. Jenn blinked a few times.
She was nearly identical to Jenn, with long, rusty-brown hair in a ponytail. Her arms lacked a few of the muscles the Serif-fan had developed and wore bangs across her forehead. Jenn narrowed her eyes and stared.
“Yes, I’m you,” the other Jenn sighed.
“No, I’m you,” a new voice sighed back.
Jenn whirled back around to see another Jenn sitting in the first row. Her suntanned legs stretched on an adjacent seat. She wore the ceremonial ivory dress of the Serif-fan and a familiar necklace of silver plates. Her red eyes flashed almost as brightly as the ruby on her forehead.
The Jenn in the middle slumped against her precious pole. “I get it. I get it already. I’m both the Jenn from Earth and the Ji-ann the Serif-fan over in Hykeria. Is that my understanding? Couldn’t you have done better than that, Ancients?” she asked.
“You exist this way now, but what would you do if you had to choose?” both the other Jenns said in unison.
“What are you talking about? I don’t have a choice. I’ve never had a choice about anything—”
“You could have died. You chose to live.” the old-style Jenn said.
“You could have let Kei kill himself and taken Saikain,” the Serif-fan said.
“You could have run away at any time.”
“You could have told the shamans no.”
Jenn stumbled into a seat and stared at her reflection in the glass. Her sad image sat, semitransparent, in front of the constant brown blur of the tunnels under Boylston Street. “I couldn’t just die, could I?” she whispered to her current reflection. Each time the light changed, the gem on her forehead would appear or disappear.
“You could have let Kei take the stab wound. I was in pain because of you!” the Serif-fan snapped.
“Why did you have to touch that stupid rock in the first place? If you had just watched TV, none of this would have ever happened,” old-style Jenn sighed.
“Stop it!” Jenn begged her reflection. “I don’t have time for this crap. I just wanna know what’s going on.”
“You’re in over your head,” old-style Jenn snapped just as the Serif-fan said, “You have no idea what you are doing.”
“I’m freeing the Beast Tribe’s god—”
“So you can go home. How selfish,” the Serif-fan snapped.
“You’re fighting against yourself!” old-style Jenn cried. At that moment, Jenn could see the entire exchange between CALA and Ann on the Quetzalcoatl bridge playing in the train window like a movie.
“But I wasn’t there! Was that really me?” Jenn cried. “There’s two . . . two . . .”
“You’ve been replaced,” both of the Jenns said.
“No, I’m not replaced. That’s CALA, right? That’s just CALA and—”
“At least she knows what she’s doing. She’s the one who opens the seals, not you,” old-style Jenn said.
“She is the strong one. CALA is the real Serif-fan—” the Serif-fan started saying.
“No! I’m Jenn! I’m still the Serif-fan. She’s my construct assistant. She’s not me! And that other woman, she’s definitely not me—”
“She’s better,” both Jenns replied.
“You’re both just tricks. This whole setup . . . It’s just that. It’s a setup made to confuse me. You’re trying to stop me from getting back to my body—”
Old-style Jenn took a few steps forward. “You don’t need a body, Jenn. Everything you’ve ever needed has been in your mind all along. This is a realm of timelessness, a realm where you can have the life you’ve always wanted. Take a look.”
In the reflection, Jenn could see a beautiful Catholic wedding. She stood proudly at the altar in a dress with a train. Diamonds sparkled on her perfect skin. At her side, Ian beamed.
“No . . . !”
“Would you prefer someone else? Or would you rather see your graduation—with honors, of course. I can show you anything you want to see about your life here. Want a nice house, a comfortable life, and a happy family? Anything you want here can be yours,” Old-style Jenn said, holding out her hand.
“But it won’t be real,” Jenn said, still
staring at the reflection.
“What is reality but your perception?” Old-style Jenn asked. “Come with me, and you’ll never know the difference.”
“No.”
“But I don’t want you, Jenn. You aren’t a Serif-fan. You are a weak little girl who just wants to go home. Once you’ve opened the seals, you’re abandoning this place. You don’t care what happens to any of them just so long as you get what you want. Go away! Take the route that leads you home. It’s where you want to be anyway,” the Serif-fan barked.
“You’d rather have CALA?”
“At least she cares about the mission.”
“I do care!”
“Do you really?” a new voice piped up. “Do you care about me?”
Jenn shivered as she heard the raspy, almost guttural voice of Kei. She saw his sandals kicked up on a seat before her eyes finally found the rest of him curled on the molded plastic.
“Kei? Why are you here?” Jenn asked.
“I do not know, Ji-ann. I am always here, but you never seem to see me.”
Jenn looked in the reflection and saw him curled around her in bed. She saw the doctors draining his blood to give to her. “How can I see this?” she whispered. The gem on her forehead flashed once. “I see now. I see everything now.”
Kei hopped out of his seat and stretched his paw toward her. The swaying of the car didn’t seem to faze the leopard man at all. Jenn looked back to the window and saw herself in a graduation gown.
“Do you think you can stay between worlds forever, Jenn?” Old-style Jenn asked. “The longer you stay there, the harder it will be to return home. They may not even want you back on Earth when you get back.”
“You won’t be able to save anyone, so why try?” Serif-fan asked.
Kei’s hand remained unmoving, even as the reflections changed. Jenn asked softly, “Do you believe in me, Kei?”
He remained silent.
“Kei!” Jenn cried. In the reflection. she could see him in the dueling arena, battling Saikain. She then saw him as a gladiator, roaring as he drove his claws into Sir Ajero’s side.
“Does it matter what I believe?” Kei asked. “Believe in yourself, Ji-ann.”
