by Jeannie Moon
He had to like that. She’d spent the beginning of the night nervous, but Josh was confident enough to know it had been good for her. Based on her reactions, she’d had a really good time. “I’m glad it was . . . good.”
Silence lingered after that, and it was awkward. What now? He had the car service on standby to bring her home—no “walk of shame” for Caroline—but it was still a little early for her to leave.
He was just about to say something about breakfast when Caroline spoke.
“I have a . . . I guess you’d call it a proposition . . . for you.”
A proposition? Josh didn’t know what to expect. If he’d learned anything, it was that Caroline was unpredictable. There was no telling what she was going to say.
“What’s on your mind?”
Pushing her glasses up her nose, Caroline straightened, folded her legs in front of her, and rested her hands in her lap. Her posture was so prim and in direct contrast to her sexy nerd-girl appearance. He never expected her to say what she did. “I’d like to, you know, see you again.”
“Caroline, this was great, but . . . ” He rose from the sofa and put some distance between them. God knew, if he stayed close, he’d be tempted to take her up on her offer. That could not happen, even if he wanted it to. “I’m not looking for a relationship.”
“I know. I just thought, you know, this was fun . . . and I had this idea...” She hesitated.
“Idea? I’m not following.”
“I can help you with your project. I know what you should look for and how the analysis should be proceeding. If there’s anything funny, I can make sure you know what’s wrong and what kind of questions you have to ask.”
“Okay. That’s nice of you, but couldn’t you get in trouble for consulting with a client on the side?”
She didn’t say anything. Was he missing something? “Caroline? Why do I get the feeling you’re driving at something else?”
Still nothing, and then the blush came and her lip quivered, and Josh got a mental smack upside the head. She could not be serious about this.
“You want me to keep sleeping with you? Is that my end of this proposition?”
“Never mind. It’s a bad idea,” she whispered.
Josh didn’t know if he’d heard her right. She wanted to exchange her engineering expertise for sex. She would help him and he would provide sex in return. He could not, for the life of him, understand why she thought this was okay. He loved sex, but he wasn’t about to use it as part of a business transaction. And on top of it, she was a beautiful, brilliant woman. It made him furious that she even thought she’d need to offer something other than herself.
“I can’t believe you just said that.” Running his hand through his hair, Josh walked to the large window. “I’m a pretty big asshole, but there is no way I’d ever suggest that kind of, well, exchange.”
“I was just thinking that you could, you know, teach me.”
“Teach you?”
Her head bobbed up and down frantically. “I don’t know anything about sex; well, I didn’t. I do now, but I know there’s more. I tried researching it to death, but there’s no substitute for experience. I write romance, Josh; I need to know about this. You could show me and when you need help on any of the project analysis, I’ll be there. It’s kind of perfect.”
“Except that you’re talking about trading sex for services.” He folded his arms. She really did just say whatever she felt. “That’s it, right?”
“No. I mean . . . I just . . . ”
“No. Not a good idea.”
Her lips quivered. Her eyes filled.
Shit. The look on her face made him want to grab her and pull her into his lap. He hated seeing her like this. If she’d only been able to read his mind and realize that she didn’t have to offer him something to keep his interest. If they didn’t have the family entanglements— he wasn’t even going to think about how things might have been different. But they weren’t. And he didn’t do complicated relationships.
Standing, she was trembling a little now. “I’m going to go. I should be able to get a cab now, right? Never mind . . . I’ll get out of your hair.”
“I’ll call you a car.” He was going to make sure she got home safe.
“It’s fine. Don’t bother.”
“I’ll call.”
She went off without looking at him and Josh tamped down the anger that was building inside him. The thing was, he didn’t know why he was so pissed. Was he angry at her? At himself? He had no fucking clue. Refocusing, he picked up the phone and dialed the car service.
As he waited for the line to connect, he thought about what she’d proposed. Teach her? She wanted him to teach her about sex? It was ridiculous, and wrong, and . . . hot. It was really, really hot to think about all the things he could teach the pretty Caroline, and Josh had no doubt she would be an excellent student. But he needed to get his body to realize this had been a one-time thing. It had to be.
He murmured a quiet thank-you when the dispatcher finally picked up, and he could arrange for her ride. He had to get Caroline out of his apartment before he lost control, dragged her back to bed, and started those lessons she wanted.
***
This wasn’t the first time Caroline wished she could crawl into a deep hole and pull the dirt in over her, but the ride back to her apartment was by far the most humiliated she’d ever been. What had she been thinking? She hadn’t been. It was one of her great gifts that she could both overthink everything and blurt out exactly what was on her mind. And what had been on her mind was her amazing night with Josh.
She’d left one of her business cards with a note in his desk, offering her help without any strings, and she hoped he knew he could count on her. Her firm was getting a reputation for playing fast and loose with environmental laws, and she didn’t want Josh to get caught in the crossfire.
The driver asked for her address and Caroline wondered what she’d tell her roommate when she got home. She and Tessa Maneri had been friends since their first day together at Cornell. They couldn’t have been more different, but that was part of what made it fun. What they did have in common were their sharp minds and commitment to their futures. They’d both deferred dating until they’d finished school, but unlike Caroline, Tessa had jumped into the New York social scene with both feet. Her friend had landed a high-profile job with a political think tank that put her in contact with the rich and powerful in New York and Washington. Tessa went out a lot. She dated a lot. Unfortunately, Caroline hadn’t had the same luck.
Sometimes, she wondered if she’d set the bar too high. Men she met through her work were smart and successful, but no one had ever really interested Caroline. It was possible now that she’d been with Josh, no one would ever be good enough.
She’d worshipped him when she was a young teen and they lived on the estate. Then when the families exploded over Meg and Jason’s relationship, everything fell apart.
Granted, her memories were skewed by her age and the pubescent fog that had settled over her brain the minute she’d turned twelve. She had been the queen of angst. But when she watched her sister and Jason, high school sweethearts, it all seemed perfect. Of course, looking back, she could see that it wasn’t perfect at all. She’d heard her sister crying alone at night. She’d overheard Jason talking to his father about the “problem” he had with Meg.
At the time, Caroline didn’t know why Meg was crying. She didn’t know why there was a problem. All she knew was that when Jason and Meg broke up there was screaming and accusation, and Mr. Campbell had painted her sister as an opportunistic slut.
The result was that Caroline had to leave the only home she’d ever known, and in her mind it was her sister’s fault.
Not long after leaving the Campbell estate, her father died. It was a massive heart attack. And all Caroline could see was that her life was in a
shambles. She resented her sister, and she felt that way for a long time. She didn’t think about Jason’s role in the mess, or Mr. Campbell’s. All Caroline could do was turn inward and focus on what she’d lost. Her father, her sense of home.
Now, of course, she knew that Josh and Jason’s parents had been at the root of everything and that her father’s love of good food and genetics had been behind his heart attack. But Meg and Caroline lost more than a few years to anger and resentment. It was a long time before they felt like sisters again.
And at times it was still a struggle, because Meg couldn’t help being the bossy older sister. Jason tried to temper her, and at times he succeeded, but Caroline knew there was no way Meg could ever know her sister and Josh had slept together. Ever. This was something Caroline vowed she would take to her grave. Not only did Meg distrust Josh, she was way too overprotective of Caroline to accept her as an adult making her own choices.
Then her adolescent fantasy reemerged and Josh was right there. The last twelve hours were going to be with her forever, and Caroline figured that was a blessing and a curse. She’d always have the memory.
But on the flip side, holding onto the memory meant nothing would ever be as good.
Josh was everything she’d expected with a few surprises thrown in. Confident, handsome, and larger than life, he seemed like the guy he’d always been. But he wasn’t. The person she met last night — the one who ran interference so she didn’t have to make excuses to the guy harassing her, the one who liked pizza from a local pizzeria and who spent Friday night watching movies, the man who made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world — was exactly what she didn’t expect, but exactly what she needed.
And even though there wasn’t ever any hope of their being together, Caroline couldn’t help feeling that she’d messed up something really important.
***
The sun was up when the car stopped in front of her building. The street was coming to life. People were out for a morning run, or to walk the dog, or to get the morning paper and a cup of coffee. Caroline was just getting home and everyone knew it.
When she walked into the apartment she smelled the coffee. Tessa was not a late sleeper, so Caroline was fairly sure she was about to be debriefed.
Stepping into their airy and bright living room, Tessa handed her a mug of coffee, made just the way Caroline liked it, and motioned to the couch.
Caroline sat. And waited.
Tess set down her mug, took a deep breath and then cracked. “Where the hell have you been? I got one call with you saying you’re okay and then nothing. Where were you all night?”
Caroline sipped her coffee and watched as Tessa went into full overdrive. If she wasn’t so upset about botching things with Josh, she’d be laughing. But instead, all she could hope was that she wouldn’t cry.
“Well? Where were you? Or better, who were you with?”
Caroline mustered her courage and told the truth. To a point. “I was with a guy.”
Tessa froze. “Seriously?”
She nodded. “Yup.”
Scooting next to her on the couch, Tessa reached for her coffee, then quickly pulled her hand away. “Oh, screw the coffee.” She went to the refrigerator and grabbed the Baileys and two glasses. After pouring, she handed one of the tumblers to Caroline and clinked their glasses before proposing a toast. “Here’s to giving it up.”
“What? What do you mean?” How did she know?
“Oh, come on, Caroline. I’ve known you for ten years and you’ve never been out all night with a man. Hell, I can’t remember when you ever seriously dated someone.”
Caroline downed the Baileys and Tess refilled her glass. “I was with someone I knew. I ran into him after work and he kind of rescued me from having to go out with Mark.”
“Mark again? Well props to the guy for running interference, but you didn’t have to sleep with him for that.”
“I know. It started out casual, just dinner at his place. Pizza. A movie. But things kind of developed.”
Tess sat back and smiled. “Was he good? I mean this was your first time, right?”
“I don’t love thinking about that. It’s humiliating.”
“Don’t be embarrassed, but I have to tell you, I’m relieved. I won’t lie. I was kind of getting worried about you. But again... was he good? Was it book-worthy?”
Caroline looked away and thought about Josh, and she could still feel him. Still feel his hands, his kisses. “It was just how you’d want it to be. However many times you’d done it.”
“Wow.” Tessa took a drink. “Are you going to tell me who it is?”
“No. I won’t be seeing him again. At least not like that.”
“Oh, you don’t know that. Maybe you will.”
She’d see him; that was inevitable. It was going to be hell, but she would see him.
Caroline wondered how quickly she could enter a convent. That would be one way to keep from having to deal with the emotional fallout, but she’d have to definitely give up writing. A romance– writing nun? Nope. Not in the cards.
“You’re thinking,” Tessa said. “Stop it. Enjoy the fact that you had great sex. Hell, enjoy the fact that you HAD sex, and let the rest of it go. Channel it into the book you’re working on.”
It was good advice. Sound advice, but Caroline knew that she’d never forget, never be able to let it go. And what she said? What she proposed? Would probably haunt her forever.
Every time she saw Josh, she’d be reminded of what a failure she was.
“I’m going to take a shower and get some sleep. Maybe that will help clear my head.”
Tessa stood and hugged Caroline. “We all have bad experiences with guys. I swear, it’s going to be okay.”
Caroline blew out a breath and couldn’t get past the ball of disgust rolling around in her stomach. She couldn’t even talk about what she was feeling. The utter disappointment in herself for being so socially inept. So presumptuous.
Going into her room, she sat on the bed and tipped over onto the pillows, clutching one in the same way she held onto Josh last night. The first tear ran over her cheek, and then another. Soon, she was softly weeping, the tears soaking her pillow. Caroline didn’t know exactly why she was crying, but she knew there was no way to stop it.
Tessa was right there, rubbing her hand up and down Caroline’s spine and placing a box of tissues in her reach. She let her cry for a few minutes before she jabbed an elbow in her side.
“Come on,” Tessa said. “We don’t cry over one-night stands. Stop being a baby and get over it.”
“I’m such a loser.”
“No, you’re learning.” Tessa pulled Caroline to a sitting position and grabbed the pillow, tossing it across the room. “Take your shower so we can go out to eat. You need food.”
“I’m not hungry.” Caroline grabbed a tissue and blew her nose.
“Not even for Nico’s stuffed banana pancakes?” Tessa grinned and Caroline cursed her for tempting her with breakfast at their favorite diner.
“That’s playing dirty.”
Tessa gave her a playful shove. “Whatever it takes.”
Chapter 5
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Her sister was running around her bedroom looking more glamorous in her lingerie than most women would look in a designer gown. She and her billionaire husband had a benefit to go to and Caroline was babysitting her adoptive niece, Molly. Hanging out with Molly was one of her favorite things to do when she came out to Long Island, and the way her love life was going, there was a very good chance she’d never have a baby of her own, so having Molly in her life was a big plus.
“I tell you every time you ask, I love spending time with Molly. I don’t mind.”
“Okay, I just don’t want to take you away from anything. Can you help me with my dress?”
&
nbsp; “Sure.” Caroline took the gown off the hangar and held it so Meg could step into it. Her sister was a bundle of contradictions. On one hand she worried Caroline wasn’t having enough of a social life;, on the other hand she worried about her living in the city and tried to tell her what to do. It was all well-meaning, but Caroline just wanted to be left alone. She wanted to be able to make her own choices.
Tonight, her choice was to babysit while Meg and Jason went to a hospital benefit. “Your dress is gorgeous. I love how blue looks on you.”
Meg smoothed the dress over her hips. “You think so? I wear it so much I think sometimes it’s the only color that looks right. You look good in everything.”
Pushing her glasses back on her nose, Caroline shook her head. Obviously not good enough.
“Something wrong?” Caroline looked up and saw her sister’s reflection. Meg was so gorgeous, with her wild blonde hair and big, tilty green eyes, that Caroline felt every bit the geek. Especially after what had happened this morning. What a disaster.
“I’m fine. I guess I’m just tired of being on my own, you know?”
“No prospects?” Meg sat on the bed next to her.
“No. I think all the nice guys are taken. It’s possible you married the last one.”
“I don’t know about all,” Meg said. “I’m sure there are a couple left. You just need to find someone who can keep up with you.”
Understanding big sister Meg was in the house tonight. It was nice when she made an appearance instead of I want to control your life Meg or Don’t be an idiot Meg.
“Is the guy at work still bothering you?”
“It comes and goes. But you know, he is single. Maybe I’m just being too picky.” Caroline was starting to wonder if she was the one with the problem. Mark was all the things Melanie said he was... successful, reasonably handsome—but he was fifteen years older, and that could be a problem in and of itself. They had no common ground. And, of course, now every man would have to live up to Josh in bed, and she imagined that would be no easy feat.
