The elevator stops on the fifth floor, so he quickly sprays his new “Pine-scented” air freshener to cover his tracks. The doors open and a man steps onto the elevator.
The salesman figures this is a good opportunity to test his product’s quality, so he says, “Excuse me, sir, could you kindly tell me what you smell?”
The man replies, “Yeah, smells like someone shit a Christmas tree.”
One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.
—THE MONKEY WRENCH GANG
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
—SIR BARNETT COCKS
Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.
—PETER F. DRUCKER
An elephant and a camel are waiting to be interviewed for the same job. The elephant asked: “Why are your tits on your back?” “I don’t know,” said the camel. “Why is your dick on your face?”
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
—DEMETR I MARTIN
A secretary ran into the boss’s office and said
“Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He said, “No, use your finger like everybody else.”
—BERNARD MANNING
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
—OSCAR WILDE
More Snarky Workplace Commentary,
Ah ... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again ...
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
Who, me? I just wander from room to room.
Snarkin’ the News
The Wilhelmina Modeling agency is having financial difficulties and is in the process of making major cuts to stay in business. Most dramatic: The food budget for a photo shoot has been slashed from $8 to $3.
A waitress in PA will be brought up on fraud charges after she was spotted dancing at a gentleman’s club after collecting $27K in disability checks for a back injury ... hey, be fair.... You know how hard it is to work the pole in a back brace?
A sailor weighing anchor in Austria brought up a sunken BMW—with the dead driver still behind the wheel—and still on his cell phone.
Joe the Plumber said John McCain “screwed up his life.” He has been consistently late for appointments, forgets to put the exact materials on his truck, overcharges people ... and other unusual behaviors for plumbers. No other comments were forthcoming, as reporters tried to call him on the weekend.
Idiots of the Month Club: Two men in Pennsylvania carjacked a pizza delivery truck but had to escape on foot when they both realized neither knew how to drive a stick shift.
A man walked into a restaurant that was closing and asked for some napkins. The owner refused and told him to leave. The man picked up a saltshaker and threw it at the owner, hitting him in the face and breaking his nose. He was arrested and charged with aggravated a-salt.
Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up, and they’re always tax-deductible.
—ANDY WARHOL
Reporter: “What do you look for in a script?” Spencer Tracy: “Days off.”
Love and Hate
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
—ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
THERE IS A VERY fine line between friends and enemies and between marriage and divorce. The balance is precarious at best. Bitter friends, bosom enemies. Loving husband, dearest wife ... two dogs at each other’s throats.
The snarks in this chapter are subtle but loaded. Keep in mind that this is an area where the consequences can be dire, so choose the level of snark wisely. After all, love is grand, but divorce is a hundred grand.
The history of women is the history of the worst tyranny the world has ever known: the tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that ever lasts.
—OSCAR WILDE79
I consider that women who are authors, lawyers, and politicians are monsters.
—AUGUSTE RENOIR
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
—MARIE CORELLI
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
—MARGARET MEAD
We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
—ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Signs Your Family Is Stressed
Conversations begin with “Put down the gun and we can talk.”
People have trouble understanding your kids because they talk through clenched teeth.
No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
Family meetings are mediated by law enforcement.
You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
The last guy I went out with, he was just so—I don’t know—
hopeless. He said if I broke up with him that he would kill
himself. And I broke up with him, but he’s not dead yet. I
want to call him up and be like, “You know, what’s the deal?
I thought we had an agreement.”
—MARGARET CHO
We seem to be going through all the traditional stages of a marriage. She recently went through the “faking a headache” stage. Now she’s going through the “I find you physically repugnant” stage. I miss the headache stage.
—JONATHAN KATZ
A stranger was seated next to John on the plane. The stranger turned to John and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
John, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“Okay,” said John. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said John, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
With a big guy, it’s good. You always know when he’s ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them Butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.
—LISA LAMPANELLI
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
—CYNTHIA HEIMEL
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
—ELIZABETH TAYLOR
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s.
She changes it more often.
—OLIVER HERFORD
He was happily married—but his wife wasn’t.
—VICTOR BORGE
A wife of forty should be like money. You should be able to
change her for two twenties.
Match the Insult to the Person80
Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
Katharine Hepburn
Roseanne Barr
Rod Stewart
Leonard Louis Levinson
Zsa Zsa Gabor
My h
usband and I didn’t sign a prenuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
It is difficult to say who do you the most harm: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Instead of getting married, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.
Pushing forty? She’s hanging on for dear life.
—IVY COMPTON-BUR NETT
A young boy’s mother was cleaning Junior’s
room one day and found a bondage S&M
magazine, some rope, leather gear, and similar
items. When she showed it to her husband,
he handed it back to her without a word. She
finally asked, “What should we do about this?”
He looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think
you should spank him.”
—FR IARS CLUB JOKE
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
—HENNY YOUNGMAN
She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
—JOHN CANTU
She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.
—BOB FOSSE
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
—KATHARINE WHITEHORN
Snarky Toasts
To marriage ... the rest period between romance.
To marriage ... to some a small word, to others a long sentence.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off circulation.
➙ Without marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.
Always talk to your wife during lovemaking ... if there’s a phone handy.
To our wives and lovers ... may they never meet.
May bad fortune follow you all the days of your life ... and never catch up to you.
To birthdays ... not so bad considering the alternative.
To friends ... and the strength to put up with them.
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
—ABR AHAM LINCOLN
I think the best part of being gay is when you’re done, you could turn over and talk about football.
—ANDREW DICE CLAY
A husband gets home from work and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. Anger gets the best of him, and he grabs his gun from the closet and shoots the man dead. His wife shakes her head in despair and says, “If you keep behaving like this, you’ll lose all your friends!”
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring,
wedding ring, and suffering.
Love your enemies ... it pisses them off.
She can break her standards faster than she can lower them.
Women priests. Great.
Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.
—BILL HICKS
A woman is standing in a crowded elevator of the hotel she’s staying in when a man walks in and accidentally elbows her. He says “I’m sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you’ll forgive me.” The woman replies, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 27.”
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.
—PERCIVAL WILDE
An open marriage is nature’s way of telling you that you need a divorce.
—ANN LANDERS
A husband and wife are in bed watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire? The husband asks for sex. The wife says, “No.” Her husband asks, “Is that your final answer?” She responds, “Yes.” He says, “Then, I’d like to phone a friend.”
I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but
this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
It’s men like you that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you
would be married to a bigamist.
What’s the maximum punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He holds her hand softly, leads her to a chair, and says, “Second, I’ d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then. ...” He sighs, “Let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.
—JEAN KERR
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
—JOHNNY CARSON
Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified.
—J. B. HANDELSMAN
A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.
—SAMUEL JOHNSON
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
—RUDYARD KIPLING, LATER USED BY GROUCHO MARX
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
—CHARLES, COUNT TALLEYRAND
During a heated spat over finances a husband said, “Well, if you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid.” His wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah?!? Well, if you’d learn how to fuck, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”
Brigands demand your money or your life.
Women demand both.
—SAMUEL BUTLER
Female teetotaler: “I would rather commit adultery than take a glass of beer.” Man, overhearing her: “Who wouldn’t?”
God created Adam, lord of all living creatures, but Eve spoiled it all.
—MARTIN LUTHER
Q: Why are most serial killers men?
A: Because woman like to kill one man slowly, over many years.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
—MAE WEST
Bride; n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
—AMBROSE BIERCE
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
—OSCAR WILDE
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
—FREDERIC RAPHAEL
[My boyfriend’s] not technically a lawyer, but he’s got three court cases next week.
—LISA LAMPANELLI
He’s been trying to drown his sorrows for years—but she’s
too good a swimmer.
Things Men Would Do with a Vagina for a Day
Immediately go shopping for cucumbers and zucchini.
Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour.
See if it’s possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball twenty feet.
Finally find that damned G-spot.
Things Women Would Do with a Penis for a Day
Get ahead faster in corporate America.
Get a blow job.
Pee standing.
Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
Repeat number 2.
He may have married her for her looks, but not the one she’s
giving him now.
She could marry any man she pleased. Unfortunately, she
The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition (Snark Series) Page 8
