by Lyra Parish
Parker pulled away and we both gasped for air. His deep blue eyes searched my face. Hair fell into my eyes and he tucked it behind my ear. “I would move to Hong Kong with you. I can’t imagine a world without you, Rox.”
A huge smile filled my face, and we were laughing, hugging, and kissing. He had chosen me, without a doubt, and I couldn’t be happier. His tongue wrestled lightly with mine. He grabbed my bottom lip with his teeth and tugged. I smiled against his mouth then traced my tongue around the plumpness of his swollen bottom lip. Our breathing slowed and deepened. I stared into his eyes while I fidgeted with his belt. There was a happiness inside of me that I’d thought had been lost for good years ago. It was like Parker had erased the darkness with himself.
Parker’s warm hands caressed my skin as he made his way down my waist. I ran my fingers to the waist of his pants and I hoped he wouldn’t make me stop. Usually when it got to this point, all progress ceased. But this time it didn’t.
Parker slipped his dress shirt off his shoulders and it fell to the ground. The edge of his Calvin Klein boxer briefs was visible. I tucked the tips of my fingers inside the band, and his eyes fluttered closed. His hands moved down the sides of my arms, almost encouraging me to continue. And I did.
I pushed his pants to the floor, and he stepped out of them. Each time he took in a deep breath, his muscles contracted. Parker was all man, and all mine. He came to me and kissed me as I walked backward to the bed. I lay back on the fluffy comforter and pillows that acted like clouds around my body. This was heaven.
He sat beside me, then leaned over and pressed his soft lips against mine. His kisses trailed between my breasts as he painted his lips across my stomach. My eyes closed, and all I could focus on were his fingertips across my bare skin. I was falling, losing myself to love, losing myself to Parker. Somehow, I always knew it would be just like this. Perfect.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Parker whispered, admiring my naked body.
I leaned up and threaded my fingers through his hair, then pulled him down to me. I was forceful as the fire of want burned inside of me, creating a forest fire of emotions that spread with every kiss.
Soon, his hand slid down below, and a small moan caught in his throat when he felt how wet he had made me with his touch. His hand moved back to my breast, and he massaged it then pinched my nipple. Shots of pleasure and pain coursed through me, and I didn’t think I could take his teasing any longer. I sat up, and Parker intertwined his fingers with mine, then moved both of my hands above my head.
“I refuse to rush this. Let me fully enjoy you, babe.” His eyes lingered on my body and met mine.
Maybe I wasn’t used to taking my time. Maybe I was used to fucking and getting it over with. It seemed my world was slowly crumbling as I realized what was happening. We weren’t fucking for the sake of fucking.
We were making love.
I lay on the bed, completely comfortable in my own skin, and a smile covered his face.
“Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?” he asked.
“Do you know how long I have?” A smile met my lips. I sat up and ran my fingers across his back as our lips connected and tongues tangled together. Parker stood and slid his boxers to the floor, and it was the first time I had seen him, all of him. I swallowed at the thought. Parker Williams had the whole package, and he knew it.
He lay next to me and kissed the softness of my neck. His scruff rubbed against my bare skin, then he hovered above me, supporting himself with his strong arms. Our gaze didn’t lose connection, and he asked me if this was what I wanted with his eyes. We had moved to silent conversation, like our hearts and minds were already connected. I nodded, and he slowly slid himself deep inside me with one slow thrust. I gasped as I took him in and once he was fully in me, he didn’t move an inch. We were as close as two humans could possibly be with each other, and it was a beautiful experience. A tingle ran up my legs and arms as I stared into his blue eyes, memorizing every inch of him.
Parker’s movements were unhurried, and his kisses were deep and intense. He nibbled on my earlobe and just hearing his breath in my ear made me want him that much more.
With every thrust and moan, I felt like everything I had ever believed about love was dying a slow death. All of the misconceptions I’d held had been wrong. As hard as it was to admit, I had been wrong. Stacey had been right. Being in love, wait, was I in love?
She once said that being in love, true love, was one of the most magical feelings a person could experience in their lifetime.
My breathing became more ragged as my body begged for release.
“Harder,” I whispered, and he gave me every inch of him. Harder, but not rushed. No, he gave it to me slowly, controlled, because that was Parker Williams. I scratched my nails down his back, and he closed his eyes. But my body couldn’t take much more of him as he kissed then bit the softness of my neck.
“Oh, fuck,” I moaned out. Parker memorized my body from the inside out, and I was doing the same to him. Deeper and harder, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to last much longer. My mouth dropped open and Parker smiled, but continued his rhythmic motions.
My muscles tightened, and I slowly nodded my head as he stared into my eyes. We were connecting on a higher level than we ever had, a higher level than I ever had in in my life, and he knew it. He moved to his knees and caressed my clit with his thumb as he slid in and out of me. And that was it. I rode the orgasmic wave as it rushed through my body and overtook everything that I ever was. Sex like that I thought only happened in fairy tales. It was so intense that I felt like I’d left my body completely.
Parker brought me back to earth when he leaned in and whispered into my neck. His lips moved across my skin. “I’m close, babe.”
His eyelashes brushed against my cheeks when he closed his eyes.
“I want you inside of me, Parker. I want all of you. But. I want control.”
He didn’t argue, but instead rolled over and waited. I climbed onto him and closed my eyes as I took him in from the tip, all the way down his shaft. His hands caressed my breasts as I picked up speed.
“Come here,” he said, pulling me close to him.
Our faces were only inches apart.
“I think I love you, Roxane VanBuren.”
“I think is good enough for me, Parker Williams.”
And that’s when he released himself. As his mouth dropped open in pleasure, I nibbled on his lip. His eyes fluttered closed, and I toppled on top of him, loving the way our skin felt against each other’s, and the closeness we were experiencing. I had not fully given myself to a man in the way that I gave myself to Parker since Charlie had died. That moment would be one I would never forget, no matter what happened.
***
We were nothing more than skin, legs, and arms tangled together in bed.
And we were fucking cuddling.
Parker had destroyed the final rule I’d had left, but, as much as I’d fought it, I had known it would be like that. Cuddling felt nice and if what I was feeling was false, then so be it. I would take this any day of the week. Rays of sunshine beamed through the window, and everything seemed still and quiet.
I rolled over and opened my eyes. Parker was awake with a big smile plastered across his face.
“Hey you,” he said, his voice raspy.
“Hey.” I moved in closer to him.
He drew circles on the outside of my arm with his fingers, and I closed my eyes as I plopped my arm across his chest. I wanted to stay like this forever.
After another lazy hour of holding each other, we got out of bed. I slipped on my bra and panties, and Parker put on his boxers.
The suite had been filled with different foods—eggs, bread, bacon, and milk. I pulled a few pans from the cabinet and placed them on the electric stove. Parker leaned against the counter and watched me crack eggs and fry bacon in my panties and bra.
“I’d let you cook breakfast for me every day of the wee
k,” he said.
I shot him a smile. “Is that an offer?” I asked.
He moved behind me and placed his hands on my waist, then kissed my shoulder. I turned my head slightly and his kissed cheek. If anyone would have been watching this display, they would have easily made the assumption that we were a couple.
I flipped eggs and bacon onto the plates and removed the toast from the toaster.
We sat at the bar top and told each other stupid jokes. Apparently I sucked at punch lines, because I messed up every single one. Once we were finished, I picked up the plates and rinsed them off before placing them in the dishwasher.
I heard his phone ring and watched as he stepped out onto the balcony. His demeanor changed, and his whole face seemed to go pale. I stopped what I was doing and walked to him to make sure everything was okay. He hung up the call and stood there, shocked.
“Parker?” When I spoke, he didn’t meet my eyes.
“Is everything okay?” I asked again.
He looked out over the city as if it were the last time he would ever see it, and then he looked at me with the same sad eyes.
“What is it? Parker? Please, speak to me.” I was becoming more frustrated with every second that passed.
“I’ve got to go. I’ve got to go right now.” He rested his wrists on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. “Just know, just know that no matter what happens, last night was one of the best nights of my entire life. Okay?”
“What are you talking about? You’re worrying me.”
“I’m going to be a dad.”
My eyes widened and my heart instantly broke. How could he not have told me about his previous relationship, and how had I been so stupid to not ask? It was because we never pried into each other’s lives. Was he married? Did he have a girlfriend? We’d taken things one day at a time. I should have asked. I was kicking myself.
“What are you talking about?” Everything around me began to slow. Parker was going to be a father. Minutes passed, and they seemed like hours.
“I suppose this is over then?” My words caused him to stop.
“If you want it to be.” There was sadness in his tone.
We both understood the situation in its entirety. A part of me wanted to beg him to stay, to be with me, to choose me, but I wasn’t a selfish woman. I would never make a man choose between me and his child, so I watched as the brick walls around my heart built themselves back up. Maybe this time they would be stronger and less likely to be penetrated. But as I stood there, it all seemed wrong. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
I stood with my arms folded across my stomach and watched as he got dressed. We barely exchanged words or made eye contact, and it was killing me. Every thought was slowly digging knives into my heart. I should have known something like this would happen.
Relationships and Roxane never went together. It was stupid of me to pretend this time would be different, and I would pay the price for it emotionally.
Parker Williams was a poisoned apple that I craved. Once I’d taken a bite, it had become an instant addiction. I’d experienced a paradigm shift that I wanted to deny with every bone in my body. For me, it had always been about the chase. The chase of getting someone, essentially winning, and then I was done. Undeniably, I had gotten closer to him than I had ever imagined I would. As much as it killed me, I needed more of Parker, but I refused to give in. What I had of him was only enough to feed the addiction, a small bump of coke to an addict. It wasn’t fair. The whole situation was cruel in every sense.
I packed my things and left the next day. I couldn’t stay there without losing my shit, so I called Jane and had her book the earliest flight out on whatever type of plane she could. I begged her not to tell my father or anyone. I needed some alone time.
The plane ride home was full of turbulence and crying children. No amount of Benadryl could make me fall asleep. Too many emotions streamed through me, as well as thoughts of Parker and anger. I should have learned more about him but then again it could have been worse. He could have been married.
Houston continued to move along as if nothing had changed, though it seemed everything I’d believed had. The high-rise was home and I actually smiled when I saw it. I scanned in, stepped inside of the elevator, and leaned against the wall as my world crashed down around me. I was nothing more than a pathetic, shattered woman. Rain fell outside, and it was falling inside my heart. The earth was crying with me. Months ago, if someone told me that my heart would later be broken, I would have laughed in their face. I’d protected my heart. I hadn’t liked or loved anyone. Roxane VanBuren didn’t run from anything. I was usually as hard as a rock, but as I leaned against the wall, I was mush.
Parker and I were picture-book perfect. He had somehow blown the dust from my heart and uncovered true happiness within me. It had taken days in New York for him to tear down my walls. Parker had shown me what it was like to be happy with someone, and it had been freeing even if only temporarily. His touch, his smile, his smell—everything about him made me feel. And now, now we had taken two steps backward.
Undeniably, he felt something for me. I know he did. I’d seen it in his face, heard it in his tone, and felt it in his touch. Parker Williams wanted me just as much as I wanted him. We were two opposite ends of magnets being pulled together by a force stronger than either of us. But he had to go and be too much of a damn honorable man.
I stepped off the elevator and noticed boxes lined outside of the hallway across from my condo. Each floor was broken into two huge spaces that each filled half of the building. I could hear soft music leaking out from my new neighbor’s door. I rolled my eyes. All privacy would be lost going forward. I unlocked my door and walked inside. I left my suitcase in the middle of the room and pulled the bottle of whiskey from the freezer. The couch and I would be the best of friends tonight. Even that reminded me of Parker.
A text message dinged and I pulled it out of my coat pocket.
Stacey: Deets.
Me: Nothing to talk about.
Stacey: DEETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I threw my phone on the couch, then laid my head back and stared at the ceiling. More dings went off, and I ignored every single one of them. Thursday night, I was home alone and drinking my sorrows with my friend Johnny Walker. I called Dad and told him I wouldn’t be back until Monday. I had a whole weekend of sulking ahead of me.
Before long, buzzing echoed throughout my apartment. I didn’t realize how much I’d had to drink until I tried to stand. My axis was off balance, and I stumbled to the intercom.
“Go away,” I said.
“Are you drunk?” Stacey asked, lifting her arms in the air, then she plopped them down to her side.
I buzzed the building door open and unlocked the front door. She knocked, then let herself in when I didn’t answer.
Blonde hair, a black long-sleeved sweater, and skinny jeans made her look so sassy. Her hands found their way to her hips as she stood over me while I lay on the couch. The image of attitude was complete.
“What’s wrong with you? I thought everything was going good,” she said.
“Things change.”
“Not that quickly.” She tugged on my arm and made me scoot over so she could sit beside me.
“You act like you’re love sick or something. We don’t have time for that shit.”
I sat the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table and pulled a blanket from the back of the coach. I hid underneath it, in hopes that her nagging would go away. She ripped the blanket from over my head and for the first time since she’d arrived, I looked at her, really looked at her, and she was pissed.
“I’m going to find him and chop off his balls,” she said. Stacey was the sister I never had, and no one, let me repeat, no one ever messed with me. On many occasions, she had gone from angel to pure bitch devil in a snap. She was already an overprotective mother. Lord help her future kids.
“Give me your phone.”
I shook my head at her
.
“Give me your phone right fucking now!”
“When did you become so scary? And no.” I yanked the blanket from her death grip.
“You better tell me exactly what happened, or I swear to you, I’ll call Parker’s brother right now and tell him to have Parker get with me as soon as he can,” Stacey said. The look in her eyes told me that her words were a promise, not a threat.
I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled through my nose, then I told her everything. I told her about kissing in Central Park, stripping in the hotel room, him denying me, then how I completely gave myself over to him and how we held each other while the sun came up. Then I told her about the call and how he was going to be a father, and how I knew absolutely nothing about his previous relationships. He was a good man, and I wouldn’t put it past him. Words slipped out of my mouth that my mind only thought. I admitted how much I liked him, how he could possibly be the one. I told her how I couldn’t be selfish, and how I couldn’t ask him not to leave me. I tried every move in the book, and not one of them worked. Then I told her how I flew back to Houston early and alone. She knew what flying did to me and as I spoke, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a little squeeze. She didn’t say a word, she just listened, and that was exactly what I’d needed.
I was tired of having bad luck, of nothing ever working out in my favor, and this time, I seriously wanted to write men off for the rest of my life. Maybe I was meant to be alone?
Inside I was completely hollow. All of my organs and most of all my heart had been scraped out and replaced with emptiness. I didn’t open myself up to men for this very reason, because I was afraid of being hurt, of being emotionally destroyed. The very thing that I’d avoided for so many years, had happened to me, no matter how much I’d tried to avoid it. Though I hated to admit it, I had fallen in like with Parker Williams.
After I had no more words, Stacey patted me on my shoulder then handed the bottle of whiskey back to me.
“I’m going to take care of this,” she said. Her tone was low, and the amount of anger she showed actually frightened me. When she stood, I grabbed her hand, then she gave me a smile and left.
