by Sean Michael
"Sure." Will whistled and he heard a car pull up. "There you go. See you
round. Uh. Okay, going before I put my other foot in it." Will laughed.
"Uh-huh. Go. I'm glad I came, dude." He helped Walter in, gave the cabbie the name of the hotel and leaned his head back, his cheeks just burning.
God, he was tired. Like in his soul.
It was weirdly like the first time they'd broken up, except this time he was blind and no one had caught them and... Okay. So it wasn't anything like the first time. It still hurt, though.
It still made him vaguely ashamed of not being enough.
* * * *
Ryan finally got off the dance floor by claiming he needed the bathroom. If he wasn't careful he really was going to "get lucky." He looked around for DJ, but the man was clearly gone. Every one else was busy dancing or flirting at their tables and in corners and he thought maybe it was time for him to go.
He slipped out a side door and walked around to the front where the cabs were. God, he was tired of being fake. It was easier at home somehow. Maybe because he spent the majority of his time on the job where he could be himself. Well, mostly. At any rate, no one expected him to dance and try to get it on with bridesmaids back home.
The cab pulled up in front of the hotel and he handed over a few bills and climbed out. Pulling his keycard out of his pocket, he headed for his room, stopping when he reached DJ's door instead. The light was on under the door, so he took a breath and knocked. The man had promised to take care of his hard-on later, right? Besides, he didn't know if DJ had an early flight out and he wanted to say goodbye. He wasn't ready to let go yet.
"Who is it?" DJ sounded...sad.
"It's me, man. Ryan."
The door opened, part way. "Hey, ba...man. What's up?"
"You left without saying
bye. Lemme in, man."
"You were busy." DJ stood back, the room packed up, all but a single outfit and Walter's water dish.
"You got an early flight?" He closed the door and followed DJ.
"I do." DJ found the edge of the bed, then walked around and sat in the arm chair. There was a room service plate there.
"Then I guess we have to say our good-byes tonight, eh?" Ryan found himself reluctant to do so. He wished they had more time together. A lot more.
"Yeah. Are you staying the weekend?" DJ had his head down, face expressionless.
"I fly out to Boston tomorrow afternoon to meet back up with the team." He went right up to DJ, stepped between the man's legs.
DJ sat back, eyes wide, shocked. "I... Ryan?"
He frowned. "What?"
"You just surprised me." DJ moved the chair back, putting space between them.
"What's going on, DJ? What's with the cold shoulder all of a sudden?"
"Me? You're the one acting like I've got leprosy."
"Excuse me?" He was standing right there, trying to get lucky.
"Look, you want to stay in the closet, that's fine, but I'm not used to being with someone who's ashamed to be seen with me. I'm not into that. Go back to the wedding, go play, but I'm not... I can't do this, man. I loved you. I don't want to do this."
Ryan felt like he'd been pole-axed. "I'm not ashamed to be seen with you, what the fuck?" And DJ wasn't the only one who'd been in love.
"Liar." The single word fell between them, quiet, sure.
"I'm not! We spent the whole fucking wedding and reception up to the dancing together!" Just because he was in the closet didn't mean he was ashamed of being with his friends in public.
"Okay. Fine. We did. Except that I obviously did something wrong during dinner--God knows what. Maybe I looked at you, who knows, but it was wrong. I'm going home, Ryan, where people want to be with me."
Oh. That. He hung his head. "You called me baby." It had startled him. Badly.
DJ sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to lying."
"And I'm not used to being with anyone." He sighed and sat on the bed. "I didn't mean to hurt you, DJ." Not for all the world. He still loved this man, crazy as it might be.
"You never did." DJ's smile looked bittersweet. "But I'm not a kid anymore. I can't just pretend to be something I'm not. You need to find yourself a fuckbuddy, someone who just wants nice orgasms a few times a month. I want... Shit, I'm looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now."
"That's not for me." He tried the fuckbuddy thing twice. It turned out he was a romantic. Who knew? Of course, it made things awfully hard when he was in the closet and he'd left the man he loved years ago because of it. There wasn't ever going to be a Mr. Right, or rather, his Mr. Right was saying good-bye to him. Again.
"I know." DJ stood, came to him, kissed him softly. "Goodbye Ry. Have a good flight tomorrow."
He grabbed hold of DJ's arms; he didn't want to let the man go. How could he do this again? "Don't go. Please."
"I have to. Eventually I will call you baby or I will touch you or something. I know that and so do you. I can't be your blind, gay friend."
"I don't want to be your friend." He pulled DJ in, brought their lips together.
DJ pulled back, shook his head. "I can't be your secret lover, either. Everyone knows I'm queer. Everyone." The man shook his head, sighed softly. "It's going to be an issue, baby, and I'm too busy and too tired and too old to lie."
"So this is it? Goodbye, it was nice to know you, see you around?" It hurt, as bad as it had hurt all those years ago, maybe more because now he knew that what he and DJ had, it wasn't so easy to find; he sure hadn't found it with anyone else.
"It was glorious to know you and I wish you didn't have to hide. I hope you find the one who's worth coming out for some day. I wish that could have been me." DJ shrugged. "But it never was."
"I... DJ..." Fuck, he was going to start bawling like a fucking kid any moment. He took another kiss, hard and short and bit back the "I love you" that wanted out.
He pretended that he couldn't see the single tear that escaped DJ, too.
He had to go. He should never have come.
Chapter 4
"Hey, you." Marlena's voice hit DJ's ears about a half-second before the scent of lasagna hit his nose.
"Lady. How's that grandbaby?" He'd been home for four days. He drank for two, cried for one, and then hit the swimming pool and swam until he puked.
"He is the very definition of perfect." He could hear the joy in her voice.
"Yeah? Did you get your fill of snuggles?" He straightened his shirt and ran a hand through his hair as Walter went wagging up to Marlena to get his love.
"I did. You look like you forgot what a vacation is for, though."
"Yeah. I..." He sighed. "You can't go back, you know? They knew somebody else." Somebody younger, somebody sighted.
"They always do." She touched his arm, that was his warning before she gave him a quick hug.
"You're a good man, DJ. Anyone who doesn't see that is a fool."
"Yeah. Well, he's been a fool for a long time." DJ wasn't sure what that made him. "Tell me that smell is homemade lasagna for your favorite blind guy."
"No, it's homemade lasagna for my favorite private consultant."
"Well, then, let's eat." He found a smile. It still hurt. He thought it would for a while, but he knew how to do this.
At least he was home.
* * * *
Ryan tossed his bag on the floor and closed the door. Fuck, he was tired. Usually he loved traveling with the team, but he'd been feeling like steaming shit after Brian's wedding and had really had to work at being personable with the team.
He loved his job. He loved making athletes better through science. He did. He always had and he'd always had that, even if he didn't have anyone to share it with.
What he hated was that he was hiding. Funny thing was, he was used to hiding, but it didn't used to be so hard.
Having seen DJ again... He hadn't realized just how big of a torch he was still carrying for the man.
He rubbed his face and stumble
d toward bed. Nothing had fucking changed, though, had it?
So he better suck it up and deal.
* * * *
God, DJ was bored. Totally, completely, utterly bored. All his emails were checked, all his mail dealt with. Marlena had come and gone for the day. Walter'd been walked and fed.
God, maybe he needed to go out. There was a quiet club downstairs--quiet enough that Benny knew what he drank and there was someone who would help him upstairs if he had one too many.
Somehow, though, he just didn't want to go out.
He wanted to stay in, watch NCIS reruns, or CSI reruns with someone who didn't mind explaining what had happened. Maybe share a pizza and a six pack, then shower together and fuck like bunnies.
DJ wanted normal.
He wasn't going to get it, but he wanted it.
He sighed, went to the bedroom and curled up in his bed, fingers searching until they found the remote.
* * * *
Ryan leaned back against the tile, hot water streaming down over him as he jacked his prick. He was close, fucking close, he just needed a little something extra.
All the old tricks weren't working, though. He rubbed his thumb over the head, he pressed his nail against the glans, he pushed his finger into his slit. Reaching down, he jostled his balls, then tugged them gently. Nothing. Nothing was working.
Only one thing worked lately and Ryan resisted it; he kept jacking, hand going faster, faster.
He got a flash of DJ, man on his knees, mouth around his prick, look of bliss on the beloved face and Ryan cried out, coming spraying up over his hand.
Oh fuck. Fuck. He had it bad. And he couldn't seem to shake it.
Maybe because he didn't want to. The only way to be with DJ was to be out, though. Just the thought of coming out scared the shit out of him.
It was possible the thought of spending the rest of his life jacking off to fantasies of a man he could never have scared him even more.
Chapter 5
DJ was halfway through Odd Thomas when it got too scary, too unnerving. God. He knew better than to listen to Dean Koontz at night.
A sudden knocking had him jumping out of his skin. Jesus. Jesus. Who the fuck had gotten past Frank downstairs?
"Walter, come here, boy." He walked to the door, hands shaking. "Wh...who...who is it?"
"DJ? It's Ryan man. Ryan Coulter."
"Ryan?" He hurried to the door, frowning. "Is everything okay?" He pulled the door open, the scent of Ryan warm, familiar already.
"No, not really. Everything's not okay." Ryan cleared his throat. "Can I come in?"
"Sure. Absolutely. Come on." He stepped back, frowning as Ryan didn't come in. "Ryan?"
"DJ, there's no lights on."
"Oh. Sorry. Sorry, right." He fumbled for the lights. He heard Ryan stepping in, the door closing behind the man.
"I guess you save a fortune on electricity."
"I guess. What's wrong?" He didn't really want to make small talk.
"I miss you."
"What?" Was that all? He'd been happily listening to the scariest book he'd heard in months, damn it.
"I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm distracted at work."
Well, what was DJ supposed to say to that? Good?
"You're all I think about." Ryan came closer; he could feel the heat of the man. "I can't shake you."
He inhaled, breathing Ryan in. "I'm sorry?"
"No. Shit, I'm doing this all wrong." Ryan's hands landed on his shoulders and the man pulled him in close, kissing him.
Oh. Oh, wow. DJ reached up, hands curling around Ryan's shoulders. Moaning, Ryan pushed him against the wall and deepened the kiss. Oh, fuck. Ryan made him feel...sensual. Sexual. Wanted. If only it was real.
It was that thought that had him arching up, away. "Ryan. Ryan, we can't do this."
"Yes, we can." Ryan pressed close again.
"I don't want to be just a one-night thing." Well, maybe he could. Just this once. Twice, if you counted the hotel at Brian's wedding in the summer.
"You're not. You're all I've been able to think of. I can't even finish without thinking of you."
He didn't know what to say to that, what to think.
Ryan touched his cheek, fingers gentle on his skin. "Can we go sit?"
He caught himself leaning in, nodding. This was a terrible idea.
They sat on his couch and Ryan grabbed his hands, holding on tight. "I'm... I'm...this is the scariest thing I've ever done, DJ."
"Am I that scary, Ry?"
"Shit no, you're the easy part." He felt Ryan take a deep breath. "Coming out, though... I talked to the owner of the team this afternoon."
Time stopped. "You did? Oh, baby. Are you okay? What happened?"
"He stared at me for a long time and then asked if I was going to tell the team. I told him I didn't have to, but I wasn't going to hide who I was and I thought I owed it to the guys to be upfront with them."
DJ reached out for Ryan's hands. "That had to be so hard for you." He couldn't imagine, with how deeply Ryan had been closeted. Poor man. How terrifying.
"I had to, DJ. You're all I think of. I left you all those years ago and buried how I felt and then I saw you and..." He felt Ry shrug. "It's not going to be put back in its box and buried again."
"Did you...did they fire you?"
"No. Management won't. It's policy, though they've only ever had administrative staff who're gay. It's the guys I'm really worried about. You're worth it, though, DJ. I get that you don't want to stay hidden. I don't want to hide you. You deserve to be shown off."
"You..." Ryan had done this for him?
"I still love you, DJ."
"But...really? I'm blind, Ry."
"What?" Ry sounded like he was honestly confused.
"I'm blind. I can't see. I just... You could find someone..." Better? "Sighted."
"Wasn't I clear? I love you, DJ. I've never loved anyone else. Not in almost seven years." Ryan cupped his cheek and he could feel Ry's gaze on him.
"You're sure?" He wasn't sure he believed it.
"I came out for you, DJ. You. Are you saying you don't want me now?"
"No. No, I'm just... This is so... I didn't expect. Ever."
"No, me neither. But I couldn't stop thinking about the way you taste." Ry's mouth covered his.
His hands landed on Ryan's hips, holding on, thumbs sliding on either side of the full cock.
"The way you make me feel... God, I've been dreaming of this." Ryan tugged on his lower lip, then turned it into a kiss, hands running over his shoulders.
"Tell me you're not lying to me." He wanted to see Ryan's eyes.
"Jesus, DJ. I know I left you because I wouldn't come out, but I've never been a bastard."
"I know. I know, but..." He could just scream. He didn't want to believe and then have it taken away from him. He didn't think he could cope with that. "I want to see you."
"I can't turn back time, DJ."
"I know. Me either." God knew, if he could...
"I'm here because I love you and I want to be with you. I thought this would make you happy..."
"You walked out on me. I've been trying to forget about you again. I fucking love you so much and I can't believe you're here." Wait, was he yelling?
"I'm trying to make up for doing that to you. You said... Back at the... Why are you yelling at me--I came out for you! I fucking changed my entire life so I could come back and tell you I love you."
"I love you, too!" He surged forward, their foreheads clanging together hard. "I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone!"
"Ow! Then why aren't you fucking kissing me already?"
"Because we're idiots." He moaned, brought their lips together.
Ry didn't argue with him, instead he pushed his tongue into DJ's mouth. He shoved Ryan back onto his couch, wrapping his lips around Ryan's tongue, sucking hard. Moaning, Ryan bucked up against him, hands clutching at him.
God, he needed. He needed Ryan's coc
k, hands, heart.
Ryan grabbed his shirt and yanked, pulling it open, and sending buttons pinging across the room.
"Yours, too." He scooted down, knees on the floor. "God, baby. Yours, too."
Ry whimpered at his words and began undressing. He tugged off Ryan's shoes, the socks, laughing when the man's pants hit the ground.
"One of us is overdressed now." Ry's fingers were rough as they tugged at his jeans.
"Uh-huh." He reached for Ry, fingers sliding on Ryan's belly. Ry's abs rippled beneath his touch, another moan filling the air. "I have a bed." Not that they couldn't do this on the couch. He liked the couch.
"Just want you, DJ."
"Right here." He pushed between Ryan's legs, cheek sliding on the man's cock.
"Fuck! Yes. Please, DJ." Ryan's hands slid through his hair, over his head.
He nodded, then simply opened up and took Ryan in, letting the man in deep. Ryan cried out, hips bucking, pushing the hard prick deeper. It was the easiest thing ever, to slide his hands under Ryan's ass, pull hard.
"Fuck! Fuck!" He didn't have to pull for long. Ryan shouted again and spunk poured down his throat.
He drank his lover--could it be true? Could Ryan be his? Finally?--down.
Ryan panted, the prick in his mouth twitching. DJ cleaned the sweet cock off, humming and nuzzling and giving it all he had. Ry's hands slid through his hair, sweet sounds coming down on him like blessings. Then Ryan pulled him up, dragging him onto the sofa and into those warm arms.
"Want you, DJ. No. No, I need you."
"I'm right here." He brought their lips together, knowing Ryan could taste himself there.
Groaning, Ryan deepened the kiss, tongue sliding through his mouth as Ry's hands slid down his back to grab his ass. He ground down, his cock sliding on Ryan's belly.
"Take me to your bed, DJ? I want to love you properly."
"God, yes. Please." He kissed Ryan's chin. "The comforter is wonderful, but don't ask me what color it is."
"I'll tell you what color it is. If you care." Ryan moved them so they were standing.
He might have still wondered if this was real, but Ry kept touching him, holding onto his hand. He led Ryan into the big bedroom. It was simple, but huge, with a door to the balcony for Walter.
