Falling Up

by Melody Carlson

  “I can imagine.”

  “But I think they're okay,” she said brightly.

  “Okay?”

  “Well, they weren't too sure about us getting married. They made that perfectly clear. And to be honest, I was a little offended. It's like I'm not good enough for—”

  “Oh, I doubt it's that. I'm sure they're just worried about how young you guys are and—”

  “Well, we're old enough to have a baby,” she said. “I guess we're old enough to get married. My mom wasn't much older than me when she got married.”

  I don't remind her it was a marriage that failed.

  “Anyway,” she continued happily, “Ben really stood up for me. He insisted it was the right thing to do, and he said it was his decision and he hoped that they'd support him on it.”

  “And will they?”

  She shrugged. “I think they'll come around…in time.”

  For now, I realize I have to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself about this. I know it wouldn't do any good for me to rain on Natalie's parade. And crud, she's been through so much already, why would I want to spoil this?

  Since Natalie's story is quickly becoming “old news,” I realize it's time to tell my dad. And he's understandably stunned when I tell him.

  “That's the friend who is pregnant?” He looks incredulous. “But what about her religious convictions? What about her abstinence pledge?”

  I just shake my head. “Promises get broken sometimes, Dad.”

  “Poor Mrs. McCabe,” he says in a typical parental reaction. “This must be hard on her.”

  “Yeah. It is.” I don't remind him that it's been pretty hard on me too.

  “So what's our Nat going to do?” He rubs his chin and frowns.

  So I tell him about the almost-abortion. He doesn't seem surprised, but then he's a newspaper man; he's heard it all.

  Then he reaches over and pats me on the back. “No wonder you were having such a hard time, Kimmy. That must've been a heavy load to carry. It makes me even more glad that I shipped you off to Grandmas.”

  “Grandma was a real comfort,” I tell him, wondering if this is the time to share her story.

  “So if Natalie's decided to have the baby, does that mean she plans to keep it, or will she consider giving it up for adoption?”

  And so I tell him about the marriage idea.

  “You're kidding?”

  “Nope. It sounds completely crazy to me, Dad. But they seem totally serious about it.”

  “I'm glad it sounds crazy to you, Kim. That's a great comfort to a fathers weary heart.”

  “But Natalie seems certain that it's going to happen,” I continue. “They've already told their parents.”

  “And their parents agree?”

  “Mrs. McCabe does. I'm not sure about Ben's parents.”

  Now Dad hugs me. “I'm just glad I'm not in their shoes, Kim. And when I remember how I thought that pregnancy test kit was yours.” He lets go of me and just shakes his head. “Well, I'm so sorry, sweetie.”

  “It was understandable, Dad.” I'm still thinking about his mother s story and trying to decide if now is the time. But the phone rings and it turns out to be Matthew.

  “Hey, Km, I'm back in the country!” he says happily.

  “Welcome home!”

  “Well, not actually home yet. We're in New York for the night. We're going to see a Broadway show tonight.”

  “Cool.”

  “I can't wait to see you, babe.”

  “Yeah,” I try to echo his enthusiasm.

  “Our flight gets in at five tomorrow. I thought maybe you'd like to go out with me later. I can tell you all about it.”

  “Sounds great,” I tell him.

  But when I hang up, I'm not so sure. It feels like something in me has changed in regard to Matthew. I mean, I still care about him, but I'm just not sure….

  Dear Jamie,

  How do you know if it's the Real Thing? I mean, being in love. I've been going with the same guy for a year, and I can tell he's really into me. He gets me gifts and treats me really great. But sometimes I think I could live without him. So how can he be the one if I think I could live without him?

  Fickle

  Dear Fickle,

  I think you've answered your own question. If you think you could live without this guy then he's probably NOT the one. But you shouldn't feel too bad. Maybe he is one of the ones who will help you to realize the difference when you actually meet the Real One.

  Just Jamie

  Twenty

  Wednesday, July 24

  I broke up with Matthew last weekend. I'm still kind of in shock that I actually did it. But I believe it was the right thing to do. I didn't break up on the first night he came home. That would've been mean.

  “Why?” he asked me on Sunday night, after I gently broke the news. “Did you find someone else? Some hunk sweep you off your feet down in Florida?” I could tell by his tone that he felt bad.

  I attempted a laugh. “No, not at all. That's crazy. To be totally honest, it's a God-thing, Matthew.”

  “Meaning that God thinks I'm not good enough for

  “No, that's not it, Matthew. I just got a very strong sense that God doesn't want me to date right now.”

  “Not anyone? Never?”

  “Not right now. I'm not sure what comes later on. But for now, I don't think God wants me to date anyone.”

  “Man!” He actually smacked his fist into the steering wheel of his truck. “And to think of what I gave up in Copenhagen.”

  “Copenhagen?”

  He rolled his eyes. “I met this girl…Anna. We hung together for a couple of days, and she was pretty cool.”

  “Oh.”

  “And she was into me.”

  “Well, maybe you can write to her,” I said meekly, fighting an unexpected wave of jealousy.

  “I didn't get her address.” He shook his head sadly.

  Okay, I was feeling a little irked. I mean, here I was breaking up with him, and he was obsessing over this girl he met in Europe. What was up with that? “I can't believe you. You're mad at me because you missed some big opportunity with Anna?”

  “That's not what gets me. I just can't believe I was over there being faithful to you when I could've had—” He stopped himself.

  “Go ahead. When you could've had what. Matthew?”

  He let loose with a foul word, one he knows I find offensive. “You know what I mean, Km. This girl was really into me—we could've had some fun. But I thought, ‘No way, I have a girlfriend back home. I'm going to be faithful to her.' And this is what it gets me.”

  I was glad that his pickup was parked in front of my house, because I was about ready to jump out and run inside. Instead, I prayed that God would give me the right words.

  “I'm sorry, Matthew,” I told him in an even tone. “I honestly didn't see this coming. And it's not even that easy for me. You've been a really good friend to me. A great boyfriend. And it's not your fault—”

  “Of course it's not my fault. I didn't do anything to mess this up.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I know. And I really am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me—”

  “That's for you Christians to do,” he snapped. “Us heathens, well, we can just be mad if we want.”

  “I hate seeing us ending like this,” I said as I reached for the door handle.

  “Yeah, me too.” He turned and looked away.

  So I told him good-bye and got out of the truck and walked toward my house. I almost expected him to jump out and say that he was sorry, that he understood what I was going through, that he was really okay with this, and maybe we could still be friends. But he just started his engine, then gunned it and took off with tires squealing down the street. And I started to cry.

  I went straight to my room, surprised that I was feeling so bad about this. I mean, it was my decision to break up, wasn't it? Why was I the one crying?

  But I know why now. It's because I've
hurt Matthew, and that feels horrible. He's been so good to me. Oh, sure, he wasn't perfect. But he never did anything to hurt me. And I hurt him. And that makes me feel sick.

  Does that mean I should get back together with him? I carefully consider this. Have I made a mistake?

  But deep down inside, I know God wanted me to do this. And I know I have been obedient. And just because it doesn't feel good doesn't mean it was wrong. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

  Thursday, August 1

  Everyone pretty much knows about Ben and Natalie now. There's been a real mix of reactions. Of course, some were totally shocked. Like Torrey, for instance. I heard, via Natalie, that she threw a complete hissy fit and then left town to go stay with her aunt in California for the rest of summer break. Can't say that I blame her. I mean, if it hurt that much just breaking up with Matthew (when it was my choice), how much more would it hurt to find out that your boyfriend had gotten another girl pregnant? I'm praying for Torrey.

  Our youth group was amazingly understanding when the word leaked out. I think Cesar was instrumental in this. Even so, Ben hasn't been back yet. I think it's hard for him still.

  Josh and Caitlin will return from Mexico next week. According to Pastor Tony's announcement at midweek service last night, they believe that God has called them to be missionaries in their hometown for the time being. Josh will return to his position as youth pastor, and Caitlin will assist him and also oversee the children's ministry. I'm not sure if their decision has anything to do with Ben, but I suspect it might've played into things. Anyway, I, for one, will be glad to have them back. They just seem so grounded—and I think we could use that.

  Matthew hasn't called me once since the breakup, and I haven't run into him anywhere in town. And I have to admit, there have been times when I've really questioned myself. Like did I really hear God on this? And if so, why am I feeling so miserable now? Because I really do miss Matthew—a lot!

  I keep having these flashbacks, recalling all the fun times we had together. And there are moments when I don't really understand why I needed to break it off. But then I remember that it was God's leading, and I do have peace about that. But it's a peace that's wrapped in pain. And I don't completely get that.

  I will be so glad when Caitlin is back. I really want to talk to her. I think she'll understand what I'm going through.

  Lately, it feels as if I have too much time on my hands. Sort of like the girl who wrote this letter, although I don't think I'd be tempted to do what she's been doing.

  Dear Jamie,

  I started playing online poker this summer. Mostly because I was bored, and it was something to do. But now it's like I want to do it all the time. And lately, I started to play for money. So far, I've only lost about a hundred dollars. But I think I could win it back if I try. I told my best friend about this, and she says I'm addicted. But I think I'm just having fun. You seem pretty sensible. Do you think it's wrong to play online poker?

  Poker Joker

  Dear Poker Joker,

  First of all, I think it's illegal for minors to gamble online or otherwise. And you say yourself that you “want to do it all the time.” That sounds pretty addicted to me. But here's a good way to and out See if you can go two weeks without playing. And then if you decide to play again (just for funi make sure that no money is involved and you limit your time, if you can't do that, then it's time to cash in your chips and find another form of entertainment.

  Just Jamie

  Monday, August 5

  I started working at the newspaper office this week. I'm filling in for the receptionist for two weeks while she takes her vacation time. My dad thought it was a good idea, and I have to agree with him. A cool thing happened today, something that made me realize that God might be using my column.

  “Is my dad in?” asked a familiar-looking girl. Then I recognized the long, curly auburn hair and remembered.

  “Casey?”

  She smiled. “Do I know you?”

  ‘Tm Kim. Allen Petersons daughter.”

  “Oh, yeah.” She smiled. “It's been a while, huh? I thought you were like the new receptionist or something.”

  “I'm just filling in while Gail's on vacation. And your dad's not here right now. He went to a meeting at city hall. His secretary probably knows when he'll be back.”

  She nodded but just stood there, as if trying to decide what to do.

  “So, how are you doing?” I asked, looking directly into her eyes. I'd totally forgotten all about that last letter she penned to Just Jamie a few months ago. She had sounded so depressed at the time that I'd been worried. But then my life got too crazy, and I just lost track.

  “Okay.”

  “So, what have you been up to this summer?” I continued, curious as to how she was really doing. “Planning any great vacations?”

  “Actually, I just got back from this really cool camp.” And then she proceeded to tell me about this Young Life camp that sounded amazing.

  “Wow, I think I'd like to go there.”

  Her eyes got big. “You would probably like it, Kim. I mean, it was really fun and everything, but it wasn't just all the stuff they had to do… I mean, it's like a life-changing thing too.”

  “Cool.” Now, even though we don't have Young Life at my school, I know that it's a Christian organization, so I'm wondering if that's what she's talking about. “Maybe I should mention it to our youth group leader. Maybe we can go there sometime.”

  She looked at me closely “Are you a Christian?”

  I nodded and smiled.

  “Cool!”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Very cool.”

  “I am too. I mean, I made a commitment. It's only been a couple of weeks. But I can tell that I'm really changing. I'm lots happier and stuff.”

  “That's great, Casey. I'm so happy for you.”

  Then her dad walked in the front door. So we said good-bye and promised to talk more later. And I just about did a happy dance in my chair because I was so thankful that God had gotten a hold of Casey Snow! And then I remembered how she'd been on my prayer list for a while last spring. Back before my little meltdown when I quit praying and got shipped off to Grandma's to recover. But it made me think that God really was listening to me—even when it didn't really feel like it.

  Thursday, August 15

  Natalie and I met for lunch today. She brought along some wedding magazines to look at, and I tried to feign enthusiasm, but in the end she could see right through me.

  “You're not happy for us, are you, Kim?”

  “I am,” I say weakly. “I'm glad that you guys are working this out. And I'm glad that you're having the baby.”

  “But what? You seem like something's bugging you.”

  “I don't know… “ I pick up my water glass and try to think of something harmless I can say. “I guess it's a lot to take in. I mean, here my best friend is getting married, having a baby, and we haven't even graduated from high school yet. It sort of blows my mind, Nat.”

  She nods. “Yeah, it's kinda weird. I'll admit that. And it's not like anything I ever would've planned on. But you know what they say—when life hands you lemons.

  “Make lemonade.”

  “I just want you to be happy for me, Kim. For us. I really need you right now.”

  “I know.” I force what I hope is a believable smile. “And I am here for you. You know that. And I'll do whatever I can to help. Have you guys picked a date for the wedding yet?”

  “Well, as you can imagine, my mom would've liked us to have gotten married like yesterday. She's so worried about what people—mainly her church friends—are going to think. But I think everyone will know what's up, so it's not like we really have to rush it too much. And besides, celebrities, like Britney Spears, do this all the time. The thing is, I don't want to have to wear a maternity wedding gown, so I'm thinking maybe in September. What do you think?”

  I think I want to scream. And the bit about Britney— g
ive me a break! Instead I bite my tongue and say, “September sounds good.”

  “Yeah, it's not so hot. And I was thinking maybe you could wear yellow or gold.”

  “I don't look very good in yellow,” I say. Like it matters.

  “Well, maybe orange then. I want a fall color.”

  “Will you get married in your church?”

  “We haven't really decided. Ben said maybe his Uncle Tony would want to do the ceremony. And I guess that would mean your church.”

  “And Ben's parents are okay with it?”

  Natalie frowns slightly. “They're still kind of struggling with the whole thing. It's not like we've really gotten their blessing yet.”

  “Oh.”

  “But that won't stop us.” She brightens. “Ben says he's committed to this. He's ready to be a husband and a father. He knows it's the right thing to do.”

  “Uh-huh.” I pretend to be very interested in the last remnants of my taco salad.

  “I know this isn't going to be easy,” Natalie continues. “But we've got to make the best of it.”

  I look up and smile. “You're right, Nat. And we will.”

  But as I walk back to the newspaper office, I just don't see how. For the life of me, I can't imagine two seventeen-year-old kids pulling off not just a marriage, but parenting an infant. It's just absurd. But I know enough to keep these thoughts to myself. Instead I pray for them. I pray that God will lead them and show them what's really right to do. And admittedly, I don't even know what that is. For all I know, they could be right on track. It just doesn't seem like it.

  Twenty-one

  Sunday, September 1

  I'm actually glad that summer is nearly over. I think I need the routine of school in my life. Naturally, I wouldn't admit this to any of my peers, because they'd think that was totally weird—like how can she really like school? But I do.

  The only drawback to the fact that it's now September is the BIG wedding, which actually won't be very big since only family and very close friends are invited—although the invitations haven't been sent yet. I'm supposed to help Nat with this little project tomorrow.