Erika didn’t know if Dr. Randall was bluffing or not. If he was bluffing the general, it was very convincing. Erika looked toward the divider screen and wished she could go to Tex right then.
Bardsley flinched first. He pushed himself back onto his heels, putting distance between them. “You’re not shitting me, are you?”
“No, sir, I am not.”
“It’s really that bad off?” General Bardsley looked toward the bed surrounded by screens.
“Yes, he is. I’m doing what I can. You know what he means to me. But not even I can be sure that he’ll make it.” Tears came to Dr. Randall’s eyes. He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Twenty-four hours, Frank. That’s all I’m asking.”
General Bardsley was silent for a few seconds. “You win. But one day, Will. That’s all I can give you. And I don’t think I need to tell you that losing it isn’t an option. I’ll be back tomorrow. See that you have it ready to go at 13:30.”
Dr. Randall put his glasses back on and sniffled. He held out his hand to shake. “He’ll be ready.”
General Bardsley didn’t take Dr. Randall’s hand. He gave Erika a last disapproving look and left the room.
Dr. Randall put his hands back on the desk and took a deep breath. “That was close.” He held up a hand in the air and it was shaking.
“Were you serious? Is there really a chance that Tex won’t – that he’ll die?”
Dr. Randall shook his head. “I don’t think so. But you know how melodramatic I am.” He winked at her.
“You were right. What you said to me earlier. We need to get him out of here tonight.”
Dr. Randall nodded. “Erika – I heard about your mother.” His eyes were misty, but this time it wasn’t an act. “I’m very sorry.”
Erika had to look away to keep herself from sobbing again. She fidgeted with the stapler on the desk. “Thanks, Dr. Randall.” She forced a small smile.
“When we spoke of you taking Tex – well, that was before your mom. I mean, I don’t expect you to go through with what we spoke of. I’ll find another way.”
It hadn’t occurred to Erika to change their plans. She needed to keep herself busy. Taking care of Tex would at least give her a way to keep her mind off the losses piling up around her. She felt compelled to help him though she couldn’t say exactly why. “It changes nothing. If anything, it makes it easier for me to go.”
“I suppose I can understand that. It’s just that – well, caring for him is a big responsibility. And Croft will have men looking for him. It will put you in danger. I wasn’t thinking this through properly when we spoke before. I can’t ask this of you. It’s too much.”
“I’ll decide what’s too much.”
“But –”
“No buts, Doc.” She looked him in the eyes. “I’ve got this. I’ve got to do this.”
He stopped trying to talk her out of it, resigned to the fact that Erika was not about to accept no for an answer. He instead focused their conversation on a strategy to get Tex out of the makeshift hospital facility. The whole plan hinged on Tex’s ability to walk out on his own two feet.
Erika had wanted to take her mom’s old Cadillac. It smelled of sun-rotted upholstery and stale cigarette smoke, but the ride was smooth and comfortable. But Dr. Randall cautioned that there would be checkpoints. Not only the usual border patrol ones on the highways, but according to Dr. Montoya, they weren’t letting anyone in or out of Ajo, and the Arizona borders were also closed and being monitored by highway patrol.
“You’ll need something that can go off road.”
Erika knew just the vehicle. Ian’s dad had a beat-up old four-by-four truck that he’d jacked up even further to give it high clearance. Mr. Frew wasn’t going to need it anytime soon.
“How is he really?” Erika finally asked.
Dr. Randall studied her face, maybe trying to decide whether to tell her the truth or not. “Not all test reports are in yet. But so far, things are encouraging. Physically, he’s in much better shape than I had expected. They have a portable MRI machine out here. Fascinating technology. Anyway, his brain is fine. He’s missing a kidney and part of his liver, yet his kidney and liver function are within acceptable parameters. But –”
Here it comes. “But what?”
Dr. Randall rubbed his hairy chin. “The physical stuff checks out. Yes, he needs food and rest. But he’s … for some reason, he just isn’t himself.”
“He’s been through a lot, Doc. More than maybe any of us. And we don’t know what really happened to him when he was separated from us.”
“True.” He gave her a small grin. “I’ll miss having you around. You really would make a wonderful lab assistant.”
Erika laughed. Being a lab assistant to an eccentric scientist wasn’t exactly how she had ever pictured her future. Not that she had any great plan. She’d never got much further with planning for her future than getting out of Ajo. “Yeah? Well, maybe someday. Right now, I think I’ll be taking it one day at a time. I’ll go talk to our patient.”
Dr. Randall nodded and sat back down. He was quickly engrossed in his work on the laptop.
Erika approached the fabric screen. “Tex? You awake?”
His voice was low and hoarse. “I am not sleeping.”
There was no warmth or familiarity in his voice. “Are you decent?” Erika asked.
“I do not understand your question.”
It had been quite a while since they’d had a conversation. Erika had forgotten how often Tex didn’t understand them. “I mean are you dressed? Are you covered up?”
“I do not see the need for this inquiry. You have seen me unclothed on more than one occasion. But to answer your question, yes. I am covered.”
“May I come in?”
There was a pause. “Yes.”
Erika pulled back the screen to enter Tex’s makeshift room. He sat upright in the bed. He was dressed in the same type of blue hospital gown that Ian wore.
Ian had looked like walking death when they got back to their time. Tex managed to somehow look even worse. His blond, nearly white hair hung in stringy strands from his large head. His eyes were rimmed in deep red and there were dark circles and bags under his eyes. His thin lips were cracked. His cheeks were deep grey hollows. His eyelids appeared heavy and partially closed. He blinked slowly and looked very tired.
He stared evenly at her through his heavy-lidded eyes. His face registered no emotion toward her.
His deep stare unnerved her. It reminded her of how she’d been frightened by the Conexus, how she’d felt when she first met Tex and more recently when they escaped back to their time. Dr. Randall was right. Something about him has changed.
She tried to keep her voice calm and light. “Are you feeling better?”
Tex spoke carefully, as if measuring each word. “My body regains strength.”
“Good. You look – better.”
“How I look is irrelevant.”
Tex spoke the way he’d talked when they first met. It was eerie, like none of what had happened with Erika, Ian and Jack had ever occurred. It was as if they had never built a friendship.
“I meant that your appearance – well, generally people look how they feel. Anyway, did you hear me talking to Dr. Randall?”
He nodded.
“Then you know that you have to leave here. Tonight.”
“No, I do not know that.”
Erika hadn’t expected that response. “You heard General Bardsley too?”
Tex nodded again.
“Then you know that if you don’t leave, General Bardsley will take you to this Croft guy. Croft is apparently the one behind the whole H.A.L.F. project at A.H.D.N.A. If they take you, you’ll go right back to being a lab animal. You’ll lose your freedom.”
Tex sighed as if bored with the entire short conversation. “None of us are ever free, Erika Holt. This freedom that you think you have – that you value so much? It is an illusion.�
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Erika shook her head. “No, you don’t –”
Tex held up his hand. “It is useless to debate it, as any concept of freedom you hold does not apply to me. I am not human. I am something else entirely. And General Bardsley was correct. I was created to be an experiment. I will never be ‘free’ in your world.”
Tex clearly didn’t want to discuss the matter. It was like his mind had already been made up. And Erika didn’t know where to even begin to argue against all of the things he’d said that she so strongly disagreed with. Rather than argue, she opted for pointing out the one thing she knew about Tex. “It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks you should be or do, even your parents or creators. The Tex that I met in the desert? He was curious. He wanted to find his own way. And he didn’t accept that he was meant to live in a lab. What happened to that Tex?”
Tex’s face softened for a brief moment; then his brows furrowed and he looked like he was in pain. He put his hands to his head and pressed his temples like he’d done in the car when the Conexus first tried to communicate with him.
It didn’t seem possible that the Conexus could cause him any more pain seeing as how they’d closed the door on them forever. But she asked it anyway. “Is it the Conexus?”
He shook his head. “I am – I am not whole, Erika Holt. I have lost – more than a kidney.”
Erika inched closer. She put her hand on his and gently pried it away from his head. He looked up at her. His eyes brimmed with tears.
“Tex, what’s wrong? You can tell me. You can trust me.”
At first he didn’t speak. A tear fell down his gaunt cheek. “I think that I am … I think they took – a part of my mind.”
“Why do you think this? What’s happening?”
He shook his head slowly. His face was contorted and he closed his eyes. “Since you and Dr. Randall came for me.” He opened his eyes and look into hers. “I cannot – remember things. My head feels like it is filled with sand. I cannot read thoughts. I cannot manipulate matter. I am – damaged.”
Erika sat on the narrow edge of the bed. She put her arms around him. It was like hugging a skeleton. His body was rigid. He didn’t return her embrace.
Erika released him from the awkward hug. She pushed back so she could see his face. “You know what I think?”
His eyes were still rimmed in tears and his lids heavy. “No, I do not. I told you that I can no longer read the thoughts of others.”
Erika smiled. “It was a rhetorical question. Anyway, I think these problems you’re having are temporary. Dr. Randall said that your brain is whole and completely normal. But they did a number on your psyche. Like brainwashing. I think you’ll get your old self back if you want to. Do you want to?”
He wiped his face and thought. “I am not certain.”
He was clearly upset by his present condition. Erika thought it was a no-brainer. “Why wouldn’t you want to return to the way you were before?”
Tex silently considered her question. He wrung his hands. “It is difficult to explain in terms that a human can comprehend.” He spat out the word human as if it were a dirty word.
Erika decided not to take him to task on his derisive attitude toward her species. “Try me.”
Tex looked into her eyes. It was as difficult as ever to read any emotion that might lie behind his dark orbs. “I was one with them. Briefly. I knew what they know. They showed me things. Important things about the virus and … things about struggles for humans that will come.”
“What about the virus?”
“That’s the problem. I knew it then. It made sense and was clear. But as I grasp now to understand, it’s like trying to catch sand as it runs through your fingers.” Tex put his hands to his temples again, his face twisted in pain. “I knew the Conexus fully and saw them differently. I was not afraid of them.” He put his hands back in his lap and blinked his eyes. “I was – at peace. Content. I had no fear or worry. But the longer I am away from them, the more confused I am. And the knowledge they shared with me – it had seemed so important. It is lost to me.”
Erika had no idea what knowledge he was talking about. She’d learned nothing about the Conexus except that they appeared to lack any form of conscience. Thousands of years of evolution seemed to produce a population of psychopaths. “But what you experienced – it wasn’t real. It was all in your mind.”
Tex’s eyes grew wide, and though Erika didn’t think it was possible, they grew a few shades darker still. “Do you have feeling, Erika Holt? Emotions?”
“Well, yes. But –”
“Your feelings for people. They are real, are they not?”
“Yes, I suppose they are. But –”
“It is the same. I knew peace. I was accepted. It may have been only ‘in my mind’ as you say, but it was – is – as real to me as how you feel about Ian and Jack. I had a relationship. With Xenos. I … kissed her. I loved her.”
A twinge of jealousy pulled at Erika’s heart. The emotion both intrigued and disturbed her. Xenos was dead. It was ridiculous to be jealous of a dead person with whom Tex had had an imaginary relationship. Besides, I love Jack.
“I was with the two of you the whole time. Tex, you never kissed her. You only imagined that you did.”
“It was a memory given to me by the Regina. But it is as real to me as any memory you have. Do you understand?”
Erika recalled the last time she’d seen Xenos. The poor girl’s body exploding, her hand flying through the air. Erika shuddered. And it was the last image of Xenos that Tex had of a girl that he believed he loved.
“I’m so sorry.” It was all she could say. All anyone could ever say to someone who was grieving. “I know what it is to love and to lose.”
“Your father.”
“Yeah. And now my mother. She died, Tex. From the virus.”
His voice was wooden, but he tried to offer empathy as best he was able. “I am sorry that you know this pain from the loss of your loved one.”
“And Jack. Technically he’s still missing. But he could be dead as well.”
Tex didn’t offer any condolences about that.
“Look, this pain you’re feeling? Like it hurts so much that you don’t even care what happens to you anymore ’cause you don’t think you’ll ever be able to be happy again? That’s part of being human. That’s part of what it is to love.”
“Then perhaps it is best not to be human. Best not to love.”
Erika shook her head. Hot tears played at her eyes. “No, Tex. Life is not better without love. You can’t see it now because you’re hurting so much, but I know what I’m talking about here. It will get better. In time you’ll hurt less. And you’ll love again.”
“I did not ask to love the first time. I will not seek it out a second time.”
Erika laughed, reminded by the irony of her situation with Jack. “That’s the funny thing about love. It finds us whether we ask for it or not.” She put a hand on Tex’s hand. “You’re going to be okay. You really will.”
“I do not think that I was okay to begin with.”
Erika laughed again. He was probably right. But then again, she wasn’t sure she’d ever been okay either.
“I’m not going to try to force you to come with me. But if you ever want to have a semblance of a free life, it’s now or never. Whad’ya say, Tex? Ready for another fabulous Erika Holt road trip?”
51
TEX
Tex was relieved when Erika left. She said she had to find him some clothes and take care of a few things. He needed time alone to sort things out. His head was in disarray, his emotions a muddled mess. When he had been connected to the Conexus, it was all clear to him. He knew important things. But it was now like grasping for a single grain of sand while wearing boxing gloves.
But he got no time to meditate. As soon as Erika left, Dr. Randall peeked his head around the curtain. “Are you strong enough to travel?”
If he said yes, it would be a lie. Bu
t what would happen if he said no? “I do not see that my readiness is a factor. I must leave or surrender myself to Croft. Is this correct?”
Dr. Randall nodded. “That sums it up.”
“Why do you believe that giving myself up to Croft would be a negative choice for me?”
Dr. Randall’s eyebrows rose. “Well – because you won’t be free. Bardsley refers to you as ‘it’. You are an object to them. Not a person.”
“I was an object to you.”
Dr. Randall stammered. “No – no, that’s not true. You were never –”
Tex waved his hand and shook his head. “I do not wish to rehash old business.” What he wanted was to be free of the incessant and mundane chatter of humans so that he could meditate and heal.
To Dr. Randall and the others, the choice was simple. They expected him to choose the so-called freedom they believed themselves to have. Dr. Randall had helped Tex escape A.H.D.N.A. because he desired Tex to have human freedom. And at the time, Tex had believed it was all he could ever need as well.
But his brief time with the Conexus made him see things differently. Freedom was more complex than he once thought. For all their talk of freedom, it seemed to Tex that his companions never discussed the cost of freedom. They did not acknowledge what they gave up to be free.
While he was at one with the Conexus, he experienced a depth of interconnectedness that humans would never know. Freedom, he found, had set him apart from others. It created the distinction of ‘us’ and ‘them’. But when his so-called freedom had been taken, it was replaced with unconditional acceptance. He was part of something larger – greater – than himself. He was an integral part of that whole and had access to all the knowledge and experiences of the hive. The thrill of it, the ecstasy … He could not explain it to the humans. And he would never feel that way again.
But Croft could no more offer the connection he craved any more than Dr. Randall or Erika could. If he did not leave, he would have neither connection nor freedom.
Tex did not want to share all of these ideas with Dr. Randall. He doubted the doctor could comprehend the complexity of his contemplations on the issue. But he did want to correct Dr. Randall’s obvious misunderstanding about Tex’s time with the Conexus. “I learned much during my time at one with the Conexus. As we speak, it becomes ever more a fleeting dream. I try to hold onto it – to what I learned and how I felt – but it fades. But I want you to know that it was not unpleasant to me. In fact, I knew a peace that I have never known before. Or ever will know again.”
H.A.L.F.: The Makers Page 33
