by Jan Graham
“What on earth can be so distracting that you dropped the ball so badly without any regard for the rest of your crew?” Ash’s question was a valid one. The answer was more complex than she wanted to admit.
Beth stood silently. There was no excuse, none she could tell him that is, although she could imagine what the rest of the team were saying. She’s young, impetuous with no military experience and training, she shouldn’t have been given lead on this.
“What? No explanation? Not even a lame excuse, then?” Ash growled. “This is unbelievable.” He began to pace, allowing Marcus to fall back into her line of vision. He watched her intently, no sign of concern in his expression, just the same fury he’d fixed her with when she’d entered the room. She could barely meet Marcus’ gaze. What the hell had she done?
Beth closed her eyes and wanted to scream. Her team needed a reason to trust her again. If someone who screwed up confessed what happened, explained why they’d done whatever it was, then all was good. The rest of Marcus’ crew were great at forgiving and moving on but only if they understood why the error occurred. She didn’t think, ‘I’ve started fucking the Boss and I needed to clear my head because I’m not sure where I stand with him now.’, would cut it.
“I believe it may have something to do with me.” Marcus’ words had her lids snapping open. “I’ve been fucking Beth since her birthday. Unless you’d like to correct me, Beth, I believe I’m the distraction.”
Heat filled Beth’s face. A deep shame sweeping over her. How could he humiliate her like this? Any other explanation would have been better than the truth he’d blurted out. Mercifully, Ash now glared at Marcus instead of her.
“Perfect fucking timing, Boss,” he growled. “Didn’t you think Beth was under enough pressure with her first major assignment? No, you simply upped the ante. Did you intend to screw the mission as well, or was that just incidental?”
Marcus and Ash proceeded to participate in a silent but scary fuck-you-stand-off. No-one bawled Marcus out except Ash, and even then, it was rare. If Marcus believed Ash’s assessment of the situation to be wrong, he would have voiced a different opinion. The fact Marcus didn’t verbally retaliate spoke volumes. As the two men continued to glower at each other, Ash waiting for a response, Marcus obviously feeling one wasn’t in order, Beth cleared her throat. The action caused the gaze of both men to fall upon her.
“It wasn’t just Marcus that distracted me. I’ve been feeling more anxious than I expected I’d be while waiting to be kidnapped. I know it’s the plan, but still, it’s not something a woman expects to happen in her life. When I saw that surveillance snap the organization sent to Marcus, I realized there was no way out. Then Marcus indicated the men involved were more dangerous than he anticipated.” Beth paused.
“I needed to get everything straight in my head, so I didn’t stuff up this mission and the best place for me to think is at home. I’m sorry for not letting you both know, and I’m sorry for leaving before you were here to take over from Zane, Ash. It wasn’t until I was on my way back to the city, I realized I didn’t do as good a job at giving my abductors the slip as I thought I had.”
Neither of them spoke. Marcus stared at the floor, his breathing calmer than when she’d first entered the room. The anger in Ash’s gaze dispersed—he now stared at her with an exasperated look on his face.
“Missions are a learning curve, we all make mistakes,” Ash stated in a calmer manner. He directed his following questions to Marcus. “Will the whole team be privy to what caused Beth’s blowout, or will I leave out the fucking bit?”
Beth cringed, waiting for Marcus to respond. It wasn’t that the sex they’d had embarrassed her, she was, however, mortified to think the guys would believe she was so weak, having a few mind-blowing orgasms would cause her to nearly destroy the mission. She’d never hear the end of it.
“They deserve to know the truth. I made a mistake, and it was that error that contributed to the meltdown,” Marcus replied to Ash, all the while his gaze remained fixed on her.
When Marcus called Ash over for a lowered voice conversation, Beth didn’t try to listen. She was too shocked at Marcus’ admission. He’d made, not just any mistake, but a mistake in fucking her. How could he say that? Her bad day just got worse and indignation rose within her. How dare he admit in front of Ash fucking her was an error on his part? What. The. Fuck!
Yes, it surprised her when Marcus gave into his attraction and finally took her, and the timing could have been better but, despite that, all they’d both done was finally give in to the desire that had built between them over the years. He’d admitted that attraction to her, she made him hard since her first day on the job, he’d said. He wanted her, she wanted him. Simple. Or it should have been had it not been for the pressure of their work lives.
They’d started something at an inconvenient time, but it wasn’t a mistake. Yes, it did mess with her head, but she’d sorted it out, well mostly. Until now. Until Marcus announced he thought it had all been a mistake, and that made her feel one thing.
Pissed off.
* * * *
Marcus could tell Beth wasn’t happy. Well, join the club, sweetheart. No one is happy today. Not after the stunt she’d pulled. At least Ash seemed calmer after airing his concerns to her directly. Marcus had hoped to deal with Beth on his own but knowing the concern, not only from Ash but from his entire team made him rethink his plan. As Ash pointed out, one pouty look from Beth and he may have dissolved, not being as harsh as he should be with her. Marcus doubted that to be true in this instance, his anger remained barely controlled as it was. For the teams’ peace of mind, however, allowing Ash to call her out on the issue and reporting back to the squad made better sense.
Marcus drew in a deep breath as Ash left the room to resume his surveillance of the men tailing Bethany. Going over what Ash had raised with her seemed redundant. Beth wasn’t silly, she’d be sure from his demeanor that he was in agreement with Ash’s evaluation of the incident and remained annoyed over the situation. She’d also know letting Ash take the lead on reprimanding her meant the issue was concluded. The one thing left to discuss was them and it was a conversation Marcus knew needed tact and sensitivity. Not two of his strong suits, especially when coupled with his current level of annoyance.
“We need to discuss what’s happening between us.” Marcus assumed it was a good opening line until he saw the expression on Beth’s face.
“Oh, I think you’ve said it all, Marcus. You made a mistake fucking me,” Beth snapped.
In hindsight, Marcus wondered if perhaps an ‘are you okay’ may have set the conversation off on a better footing. Clearly, she wasn’t upset over being chastised by Ash. It was his big mouth that changed her mood for the worse.
“I meant the timing was a mistake, Beth,” Marcus tried not to snap, “but now you mention it, unless something changes, our work may prohibit us taking this any further.”
He pushed away from the spanking bench he’d been leaning against and walked over to her. He hoped he could reassure her with his touch. A gentle touch on her arm or caress on her cheek. He hated that he’d upset her.
“Don’t even think about coming over here.” She took a step back, causing Marcus to halt. “I accept your reply that you were referring to a timing issue, but I’m still mad at you. Not only did you announce to Ash we were fucking and say it was fine to inform everyone else of that fact without my permission, but now, you’re saying we might not be able to have a relationship. Try being consistent before you decide to walk over here and coo in my ear to calm me down.”
“I hate you being upset, baby girl.” If his touch wasn’t acceptable maybe some soothing words would be.
“Don’t baby girl me, Marcus. I need to know what’s going on with us. Why won’t it work? All I needed to do today was clear my head, and not just about you. I did that. Yes, I fucked up in my approach to it, but I came back with a greater focus than I’ve had in weeks, only to be hit
with this shit,” Beth yelled. “Either you want me, or you don’t. It’s simple. Make a decision and let’s move on either way.”
Marcus drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out. This wasn’t going to plan. The silence grew deafening as he stood staring down at the floor. There was so much he wanted to talk over with her, but so far, all he’d done was increase her ire and have her refuse his touch. His gaze remained downward for a reason. If she saw his face, it might give away the conflict raging within him. Not that she wouldn’t be able to guess his tactic, after all, he employed her for her observation skills despite them having been a bit off lately. Wedging his hands in his pockets, Marcus swayed on the balls of his feet for an instant, deciding what to say next.
“Answer me,” her frustrated cry surprised him.
Marcus knew he hadn’t been completely honest with Beth from the start. He’d never lied, but he’d omitted some of the reasons for resisting her so long. His options had run out. If they were going to discuss the relationship, then she deserved nothing more than the truth, in all its ugliness.
“It’s complicated.” He lifted his gaze to hers, allowing her to see whatever conflict reflected in his eyes. “I let you believe your age was the reason I’d been reluctant to respond to your advances, but there’s more to it than that. Since we hooked up, I’ve been conflicted. It’s not just you that needed to get their head back in the game, Beth,” he admitted.
He moved toward her once more, stopping when she took another step back. It would be so much easier if he just said he’d made a mistake and end the budding relationship right now. The problem was, he didn’t want to.
“Complicated how?” Evidently, Beth wasn’t going to let him make generalized statements. If he wanted to explain, to make her understand, then he needed to man up and do it properly.
The fact he started pacing would speak volumes to her. He wasn’t a pacer or a man who was lost for words. Except when it came to Beth and getting the relationship he wanted. The conversation was difficult for him, he wasn’t the sort of man to discuss feelings, especially his own, but he was the one to start the dialog, so he needed to finish it.
“Again, an answer would be nice. How complicated?” Beth stood her ground and waited.
Marcus stopped wearing a groove in the floorboards and turned to address her. It was now or never where this conversation was concerned, so he may as well make it now.
“I made a vow years ago, a vow to never be attached emotionally to another woman. I’ve been married before, Beth. I loved my woman with all my heart. We just fit together so perfectly.” Marcus paused. He could do this. “My wife, Suzanna, was killed in retaliation for a mission I conducted not long after I set up this business. My enemy kidnapped and tortured her before using the fact they had her to lure me out. By the time the team and I mounted a rescue, she died from her injuries. Instead of bringing home the woman I loved, I brought home a body to bury.”
He drew in a stabilizing breath, the memories of what had occurred slamming back into his mind and heart like he’d received a fatal blow. Beth stared at him compassionately. He’d not spoken to anyone about Suzanna since the incident occurred, and the fact he did now, threatened to break the wall he’d built inside that enabled him to carry on.
“Marcus, I—” he cut her off, not wanting to hear her sympathetic words. That would be the end of him.
“I decided then relationships were a liability. I haven’t even considered breaking that oath until you came into my life, Beth. Until now.”
He ran his fingers through his hair, the strands breaking free of the tie holding it in place. Everything suddenly seemed too constrictive. The jacket he wore. The belt at his waist, and the damn hair tie which he shoved in his pocket.
“Marcus, I’m sorry for your loss, but the reasoning for not having anyone in your life doesn’t make sense,” Beth stated in a gentler tone although he still sensed her indignation and hurt.
He didn’t expect her to understand. She’d never had her soul ripped out, never lost someone she loved because of her actions, and he hoped she never did. Beth might not understand his reasoning, but it made perfect sense to him.
“When you went missing today, I was beside myself with worry. It brought home the devastation I’d feel if anything happened to you. I realized I shouldn’t have started something with you before working through this first.” Marcus hoped she’d understand. “We need to put what we have on hold for a while, maybe until after the mission. I just need you to give me time, baby girl.”
Beth’s fists clenched at her side. Her eyes flashed with anger. Any signs of sympathy she’d displayed in relation to the situation with Suzanna evaporated with his final words.
“Time? You’ve had four years, Marcus. How long do you expect me to wait?” she yelled. “I know that must have been devastating for you, but I’m not Suzanna.”
She didn’t understand what he was saying, and the fact she yelled spiked his rage once more.
“You can still end up being killed because of me, just like her,” he spat back.
“I can be killed because of you, now, Marcus. I could die on a mission, any of the team could. Just because you deny you love me won’t make the pain any less. The only thing it will achieve is you’ll die wondering what sort of relationship we could have had. Wishing you’d taken the chance on us.”
He had taken a chance, and she’d blown it. Disappearing like that brought back every fucking bad memory of Suzanna’s loss. He didn’t want to go through it again. He understood what Beth was saying. Yes, either of them could die on a mission. It was the reason he would never risk her on a mission like this again. Not that it would safeguard her. Suzanna wasn’t even part of his newly developed team all those years ago, and she died anyway. Marcus felt like his head was about to explode. He was usually a rational man, but with Beth, every rational thought went out the window. Keeping her at arm’s length had been so much easier than this shit.
“I know death happens, but I’d prefer it not to happen on my watch.” Marcus reined in his anger. He didn’t want this to turn into a screaming match. “So, if we continue with a relationship, you won’t be involved in missions anymore. This will be the first and final, and if I had a choice, it wouldn’t even be your first.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? You want to pull me from the mission? I know I fucked up, but I won’t let the team down. You know me better than that,” Beth snarled. “As for if we continue with the relationship, that’s something I’ll decide after my job is done. Until then, stay the hell away from me.”
Marcus glared at her. He never expected things to go so badly or for her to turn the tables on him and decide she would be the one to dictate if they’d continue to see each other in a personal capacity. He didn’t want to lose her from his life, but that’s the way it appeared to be heading. God, how had he fucked this up so terribly? He wanted Beth in his life, on his team. They just needed to make a few changes, so there was never a repeat of today. Her job would be planning and minor surveillance, she’d be in his bed each night, they’d build a life together where she remained safe. Where he was never put in a position of wondering if she was alive or dead. Was that too much to ask?
Beth turned to the door.
“Bethany.” Marcus didn’t know if he should try to redeem himself or just let her go.
“What?” Beth didn’t turn to face him, and Marcus made his choice.
Her single word remained filled with anger. There’d be no redemption for him tonight, so Marcus decided to do what he did best. Be the Boss.
“I want you to leave your car here tonight and walk home. Your watchers will just assume the car was borrowed from a friend since you’ve not used it before. Leave the keys with Zane before you go.” Marcus sighed, “I don’t want you to worry about the mission. I have every faith in you. Remember, it should be over soon, and Ash will always have your back.”
Her parting words both surprised and hurt him. “At le
ast someone does,” Beth stated as she stormed out the door.
Jesus, how had he let this go so horribly wrong?
Chapter Eleven
He let her go. Why didn’t he stop her, diffuse the situation, preferably with a hot and passionate kiss? Instead, he let her go without a word. Beth expected something from him. Even if it wasn’t an admission that he’d just been a dick. He could have gone down the road of ‘don’t be angry, we can fix this’ or even ‘you’ve misunderstood what I said, baby girl.’
Did she misunderstand what he’d said? Beth didn’t think so.
She could have him but only if circumstances changed. This must be what her mother referred to when they spoke about giving up something for the one you loved. If she gave up working for him, then she and Marcus could be together. Well fuck that, she enjoyed what she did. And besides, what was Marcus offering to forgo so they could be together—a big fat nothing.
Working together should strengthen their relationship. Seeing Marcus every day was no hardship, their work relationship never faltered because of their attraction before. Once they sorted out the personal stuff, if they could, then everything should go back to business as usual. They’d be just like her parents in the cafe, living together, working side by side—subtract the coffee and add in the danger, of course.
Unless the team was so unhappy with her, they requested he boot her out. God, would that happen? More importantly, would Marcus allow that? Maybe his you won’t be doing any more missions was just a ruse, so she didn’t hate the team.
Standing at the top of the stairs, Beth paused. The evening crowd was milling around, waiting for the live demonstrations to begin. Everyone looked so relaxed as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Even the staff appeared relaxed and happy. She envied them. Uncomplicated work, the ability to have a social life with no reason to collect information or be suspicious of anyone. If Marcus continued to be an ass, maybe she’d ask Zane to employ her here, at The Dungeon. Her other option if he continued to be an ass was just kicking him in it and telling him to deal. Not very submissive-like behavior, but it could be effective.
