Keeper of Keys

by Bernice McFadden

  I put the car in park and that's all my body allowed me to do. I broke down and cried until Poor Boy came and dragged me into the house.

  "What's happened Kai?" Poor Boy asked over and over again. It couldn't be a death because everyone he knew lived either up the road or down the road and they were all living and breathing when he'd put the cat out and locked the doors for the night.

  Sherry, his wife, watched nervously from the kitchen as she tried to decide whether to put the kettle on for tea or pull the plastic cover off of the new Hamilton Beach, for coffee.

  "What done happen to you? You sick? Someone dead?" Poor Boy asked and folded his hands in his lap. I knew his real interest was whether or not I had a will and who I was leaving the rest of my money too.

  "You tell me now, tell me what's wrong with you."

  We sat on a couch so white that it should have been a crime to have it out there in the country where cows and goats grazed a stones throw away.

  Not wanting to repeat himself, he edged closer to me and placed an awkward arm around my shoulder.

  "Poor thing," Sherry said, finally deciding on tea.

  "Where is Alice?" I was finally able to speak. "Where's my daughter?" I asked barely able to see him through my swollen, tear filled, over tired eyes.

  Poor Boy shot his wife a look before he answered and I would always remember that look saying: Should we tell her? She seems kind of crazy.

  I didn't want them to have any reason to try and keep my mother's namesake from me. I straightened my shoulders and wiped at the tears and road grime on my face. "I come to take her home." I said trying so hard to sound calm.

  "She with Precious tonight." Poor Boy said and then glanced at the phone. "But its so late now, you can get her in the morning." He quickly injected.

  "No I - " I started to object.

  "Kai do you really want her to see you this way?" Sherry questioned in her baby soft voice. She set a cup of tea down on the table in front of me. "You should get some rest….take a shower…eat some, before you go and get her." Sherry looked at her husband and then back at me. "She fine with Precious, you can have her in the morning."

  I looked at her and wondered where the saucer was for the teacup. Money can't buy class or common sense, I thought as I watched her walk back to the kitchen. "I-I guess you're right," I said and lifted the cup from the table. A small wet circle had formed on the wood. I wondered if they knew it would be white in the morning.

  They put me in the guestroom where they had a single bed with no headboard. A short brown dresser and attending mirror looked out of place and lonely against the wall.

  I sat down on the bed and tried hard not to listen to the voices seeping through my cousin's bedroom door a few steps away from my own. I knew they were discussing me and when I heard the sound of the rotary dial on their telephone, I knew that they had decided to wake Precious from her slumber.

  I stretched out on the bed and the coiled springs complained beneath my weight. By then, my body had gone long past tired. The aching started in my head and spread through my body until my entire being throbbed.

  Panic began to spread over me as the pain that took over my body reminded me, once again that I was sick and had left town without the medication Dr. Tate had prescribed for me. I hadn't even filled the prescriptions and now the disease that was living in my blood was making itself known.

  "Stop it!" I hissed to myself. My words bounced off of the walls and came to rest on my chest. My breath caught in my throat and for a moment I couldn't inhale or exhale. I jumped up and ran to the window. My fingers seemed to fumble forever with the latch before I realized that the window swung open instead of pushed up. My throat unlocked and I inhaled the cool night air. Honeysuckle and magnolia filled my lungs, the sweat that covered my forehead, dissipated and the fear that had suddenly struck me waned, fading into a dull throbbing that attached itself to my temples.

  "Kai?" The knock came first and then Sherry's serene voice. "Kai are you sleeping?"

  "No, " I said and wiped at the last remnants of sweat that clung to the space above my lip.

  The door opened slowly and Sherry's face popped in. She was smiling, but her eyes were worried and tired. "Here," she said stepping in and placing a nightgown, towel and wash cloth on the bed.

  "James checked your trunk and there wasn't any luggage or anything, so I supposed you'd be needing something to sleep in." Her eyes traveled across the room and stopped on the open window for a moment and then moved on.

  "I can put those clothes in the washer for you, if you'd like." She said stepping towards me, her arms out stretched, hands reaching out for me. For a moment I thought she would try and undress me and then she stopped abruptly and folded her arms across her chest.

  "I've already been too much trouble…I can just -"

  "It's no problem at all Kai, really. Just drop 'em outside the door and I'll collect them when I get up again in a few hours. It's no problem at all." She said and stepped backwards and out the door. "You know there's a bathroom right there," she said and pointed towards a door to my left. "The faucet in the sink leaks so, just make sure you shut it off tight and uhm, there's soap in there and toothpaste too."

  The room was always ready for guests, even though I was the only who ever utilized it and that was just once or twice a year.

  "Thanks Sherry."

  "You need anything else, just let us know." Her words dangled in the space between us. She wanted to say more and know more, but I wasn't saying any more than required. I would be up and out of their hair at first light.

  "Well, you uhm…you have a good rest and we'll talk in the morning, okay?" Her request was hopeful and eager. I didn't even feel sorry that I was going to have to disappoint her.

  I don't know how long I lay there staring at the ceiling. Unable to sleep I finally pulled myself from the bed and back to the window to stare out into the moonlit night. My body was tired but my mind wouldn't shut down. The muscles in my neck, arms and calves throbbed and the tendons in my hands burned with the strain I had put on them from gripping the steering wheel too tight for too long.

  To tell the truth, I was afraid to sleep, to close my eyes and allow my dreams to over take me. I was afraid that I would close my eyes and like my mother, dream forever and never see my child again.

  "Did you pray?" This man asked whom I had allowed into my house to fix my roof and had stayed on to mend my mind.

  Pray? Every breath I took was a prayer; every beat of my heart was a prayer. No, I did not draw on words I'd heard my grandmother recite from the bible when I was a child, I didn't call out to the Lord the way my mother did when she was tired, frustrated or both: Lord help me!

  "No, I did not do that." I told him.

  What would have prayer done for me at that point? The disease was in my body already, mixed in with my blood and flowing through my veins. And who was I to ask the Lord: Why have you done this to me? That would have been a foolish question. I had done it to myself, over and over again with men whose names I could hardly remember.

  I wished I could have had someone else to blame. Perhaps a private hospital with lots of money and an impeccable reputation. A deranged psychopath that got his kicks from leaving AIDS tainted needles in the seat cushions of movie theaters.

  There was no one thing or person to blame outside of me, Kai.

  I did finally fall asleep, but not before I watched the sun climb up into the sky, not before the night clouds broke away and sailed off to the part of the world where people were readying themselves for sleep. Not before I wept.

  Chapter Six

  Fried chicken is an odd smell to wake up to when you don't expect to wake up at all. I blinked at the sunlight that spilled into my room the color of Grandma's lemonade and sniffed the air for the scent of coconut oil. "Did you thank God for the new day?" Asked the man who would, he confided in me later, find anything and everything that was broken in my house just to stay close to me.

 
"No, I didn't" I said and I must have looked ashamed because he smiled and rubbed the top of my hand and said it was okay to be angry with God sometimes.

  "Kai?" Sherry's announcement put a stop to whatever conversation was taking place in the kitchen.

  Poor Boy was at the table, a golden chicken leg clutched in his hands, his lips were shimmering with grease and I almost laughed when he smiled at me. He looked ridiculous and reminded me of our summers together when we were small and AIDS was something brewing in a government test tube in a place we didn't know existed.

  Sherry was at the stove, flipping thick chicken breasts in the large black frying pan that had belonged to her mother.

  Precious was there too, sitting across from Poor Boy. Her back was to me, but I knew her face was perfectly made up and that her nails were painted a delicate iridescent pink and most likely the white material of her blouse dipped in a long V exposing most of her bosom.

  From where I stood I could see the clean smooth heels of her foot, because Precious never wore shoes in the house and always, always rested her weight on her toes when she sat. There was a gold bracelet on her left ankle with a heart that dangled from the clasp. And I knew someone new was loving Precious. I hoped she was using a condom.

  "Girl you must have been dog tired." Sherry spoke to me but her eyes were on the chicken breasts she was turning.

  Precious finally turned around and as expected her make-up was flawless. She looked like one of the models in Essence magazine, the issue they put out in January telling you what lip and eye colors were going to be hot that spring and summer.

  "Hello," I said and walked a crooked line towards them. My whole body ached and the bottoms of my feet were sore. I wondered if this was part and parcel of the disease I'd recklessly loved myself into.

  Precious smiled and her beauty thinned when she did. The gap in her teeth had always taken away from her loveliness. The men didn't mind though, but I knew that Essence magazine would have.

  "You 'bout slept the entire day away." Poor Boy said and leaned back in his chair as Sherry dropped another piece of chicken on to his plate. "It's past noon."

  I was leaning over Precious, kissing her on her cheek and inhaling the Dolce Gabbana perfume that sailed up from her bosom. Last time I was there she was still wearing L'air du Temp.

  "Is it?" I said as Precious wrapped her arms around my neck and smothered me in kisses. "Only quarter past." Sherry said nodding at the clock on the wall.

  I could hear children playing out back, Precious' three and the two Sherry and Poor Boy had. I listened hard and above the dozens of questions being hurled at me for the sound of Alice's voice.

  "So what is it Kai, what's wrong?" Precious asked, her eyes rolling from my head down to my feet and back.

  "N-nothing," I was distracted and almost panicked because I still hadn't heard Alice's voice shout out: Ollie-Ollie all come freeeeeee, with all of the other children.

  "Had to be something for you to drive all this way three weeks early." Poor Boy was rubbing his swollen stomach as he eyed the bowl of fried chicken Sherry set down in the middle of the table next to the loaf of Wonder Bread.

  My hand was gripping the back of the chair and I tried to pretend like I was interested in what my family was saying to me, tried to act like the only thing that was on my mind was the fried chicken, the loaf of Wonder Bread and the green container filled with grape Kool-Aid Sherry was retrieving from the refrigerator.

  "W-where's Alice?"

  Poor Boy gave in and reached for a chicken leg. Sherry cradled the container in her arms and opened her eyes real wide.

  "She outside with the rest of them." Her response was sharp, like I should be more concerned with answering her questions, more concerned with that than the whereabouts of my one and only child.

  I limped away from them and towards the back door. There they were, miniature versions of who we all used to be. Poor Boy's kids; Richard and Ashley, Precious' three, Chastity, Destiny and Mystery and my girl, Alice.

  There we all were over again.

  "Alice," I called to her and pressed my hand up against the screen of the door. She was running away from Richard, screaming and laughing with excitement, her brown cheeks were flushed and her eyes were wide and clear. My God, I thought, she must have grown at least three inches, the jeans she had on were already creeping above her ankles.

  "Alice," I called to her again, but this time I was outside, standing on the warm wood of the deck Poor Boy had put in last summer. I waved at her and began screaming her name, because Richard was gaining on her and the other kids are gaining on him and everyone was screaming and laughing and the dogs were going wild with excitement in their pen, adding to the cacophony with their yelps and barks.

  She can't hear me and I need her to hear her name coming from my mouth because I could drop dead right now, right on this new deck with the paint that's already chipping away and my daughter would hate me forever because I didn't even get to say goodbye.

  Alice faked left and then made a sharp right just as Richard reached out for her. That's when she saw me.

  "Mom!"

  I didn't think she could run any faster, but she does and Richard still has three more feet to move before he can turn right and follow Alice. I want to cheer because my baby is fast and she's only seven years old.

  I opened my arms and started down the stairs, barefoot and all and when my feet hit the grass I felt like I might have a chance at living past that day, the next and maybe even September.

  When we meet we melt into each other and I know for sure I have never, ever hugged Alice that hard before and I also know I don't ever want to let her go, ever.

  "But you did," Journey says and his voice sounds like Dr. Tate's, nonpartisan and unbiased. But I get defensive anyway and fold my arms over my chest and pinch my lips together like a two-year-old.

  "I did," I say, because it is the truth. I did let go of her for a long time, so long that we almost became strangers.

  "Did you miss me Alice?"

  "Yep!" Alice sings back as we clasp hands and skip back towards the deck.

  "Me, too," I say and pull her to me again.

  I don't want any fried chicken. I don't want to sit down with my family and discuss why I'm here three weeks early or what I've been doing with myself. I don't want to discuss the one hundred and fifty-year-old house I've purchased, the dogs, or the thing that's living in my blood. I don't even want to brush my teeth or change into the clothes that Sherry has washed, pressed and laid neatly on my bed. All I want is to take my child and buckle her safely into the passenger seat, take my place beside her and drive away.

  "You ain't gonna eat?" Poor Boy says when I come out of the room, dressed and ready to go.

  I could tell by the tone of his voice that he is offended. "It's just fried chicken." I want to say. "Fried chicken, bread and Kool-Aid." But I don't. Instead, I turn to Precious and ask: "Did you bring Alice's stuff with you?"

  Chastity, Destiny and Mystery look at me real sad. They all look like Precious, all got gaps in between their teeth, but their beauty don't thin when they smile. "She'll be back next summer." I say to them and look back at Precious.

  "Hell, you can't stay a spell?" Poor Boy speaks again and he tries to put some base in his voice, and narrows his eyes at me like he's speaking to one of his children.

  "Can't you just stay one more night?" Sherry says as she pulls out pork chops from the freezer. "I'm frying some chops and making some mash potatoes and creamed corn for dinner."

  I feel sorry for her, because she hasn't even washed the lunch dishes and already she's getting things together for dinner. What type of life is that?

  "What the hell happened to you up there?" Precious always talks about New York like it's in another atmosphere.

  "Nothing." I don't want Alice to worry, but already I see that her eyes are looking like my mother's eyes the day I left her to die alone and without me.

  "Go on in the livingro
om Alice, We'll be ready to go soon."

  Alice shrugs her shoulders and wraps one arm around Chastity and the other around Destiny. Mystery is only four and is content to walk quietly alongside the trio.

  "Do you have her stuff or not?" I ask and think that maybe a meal wouldn't hurt, so I reach for a piece of bread and a small chicken wing.

  "Tell us what's wrong first?"

  "We are not children, Precious, and this is not a game. Do you have her stuff or not?" I say and then wonder why the hell I'm worried about clothing. I could buy Alice new clothes when we get back home. Clothes were the least of my worries.

  "We are really concerned about you Kai. I mean you drove all this way, there must be something wrong?"

  I think about Alice's favorite Power Ranger T-shirt and her Barbie pajamas that are good and worn now, just the way she likes them, and I know I need to get her clothes.

  Chapter Seven

  "Kai?" Precious calls my name and pouts her pink lips while she bats her eyes at me, like I'm one of her suitors instead of her cousin. I look over at Poor Boy and Sherry and they're all leaning in towards me, waiting.