by Miranda Hart
STINKY: Utterly mortifying.
MIRANDA: Sorry.
She gets back and slides cooly off the conveyor.
MIRANDA: Where were we?
STINKY: Leaving.
The restaurant owner comes out. People point to Miranda who ducks.
MIRANDA: Quick…
They leave.
INT. RESTAURANT
The girls are at a table. Clive is taking the orders.
STINKY: I could woof a gateaux, but just a peppermint tea for me.
TILLY: Yup could absolutely scoffulate a puddington, but just a skinny cap please.
MIRANDA: Oh yeah, I could inhale a meal-y-von-neely, but just a crumble please. With just cream and just custard and just ice cream.
CLIVE: Are you still feeling bad about Gary?
MIRANDA: Can people stop asking me that? I’m fine.
CLIVE: Good because there’s a new chef arriving any minute… I was gonna tell you…
MIRANDA: Really? Well actually, that’s good. Now I know Gary’s not coming back. Yeah that’s good, gone are the days where I pathetically make an idiot of myself over some hunky chef.
The restaurant door opens.
CLIVE: This must be him…
The new chef (Danny) walks in. He is in bike leathers with helmet on.
We hear the Top Gun theme.
He comes up to them, takes his bike helmet off. He is tall and good looking.
Miranda clocks camera with an ‘oh no’.
The girls just stare.
MIRANDA: Clive, can you switch that music off please?
CLIVE: Sorry.
We see Clive by the CD machine. He switches Top Gun music off.
DANNY: Hi. Clive is it?
CLIVE: Yes, nice to meet you at last.
The girls are all staring.
DANNY: (TO THE GIRLS) Hi girls.
Tilly and Stinky stand, followed by Miranda.
TILLY / STINKY: Hola.
MIRANDA: Hello. (SHE STARTS CURTSEYING)
(TO CAMERA) Why am I curtseying. I’ve just got to keep going now.
(TO DANNY) How do you do?
She gets up and as she does so she farts.
Sorry sorry. That was my dog.
DANNY: What was?
MIRANDA: That noise.
DANNY: I thought that was a chair scraping?
MIRANDA: Oh it was.
DANNY: Then what was your dog?
MIRANDA: I don’t have a dog.
DANNY: You said the noise was your dog?
MIRANDA: Well it might have been YOUR dog.
DANNY: I don’t have a dog.
MIRANDA: Well can you stop saying you do.
Miranda clocks camera.
CLIVE: Right, so everyone, this is Danny…
DANNY: (SINGING) I got chills, they’re multi-plying… And I’m losing control…
They all stare at him with – ‘wow’!
(WITH PRIDE) Always get Danny from Grease with the bike leathers, the accent…
GIRLS: (SINGING) You better shape up coz I need a man, and my heart is set on you…
Laughs.
MIRANDA: You’re the one that I want, you’re the one I want… We’ve stopped.
Tilly/Stinky sit down.
(OFF AGAIN)The one I need, oh yes indeed. Sorry, it’s a sort of weirdly hard tune to stop. (SINGING AGAIN) You’re the one that I want… I’m off again. Ooh, ooh, ooh honey.
They all stare.
Look, there’s a thing…
Points in one direction.
She runs really fast out in other direction.
INT. SHOP
Miranda comes in.
Stevie is at the till.
MIRANDA: Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie… I’m with much news, which I shall now birth.
STEVIE: Ready to receive caller.
MIRANDA: A new chef has arrived at the restaurant who you could happily compare to some kind of God, and he would very much be in the running for the new me to take as her lover… but the new me is currently worse than the old me…
STEVIE: This is not possible.
MIRANDA: I farted in front of him, blamed it on an imaginary dog and sung in his face. I give up.
STEVIE: Maybe you should try that life coach again.
MIRANDA: No thanks.
INT. HALL (FLASHBACK)
A group of people doing a session with a life coach, including Stevie. They are all blowing up balloons.
LIFE COACH: Imagine your anxieties filling the balloon.
We reveal Miranda with a massive balloon or bin bag.
Suddenly it pops. She screams.
MIRANDA: (STRESSED) Oh no, my anxieties are everywhere… save yourselves…
Cut to:
INT. SHOP. BACK TO PRESENT
Penny comes in carrying a mop, and a few carrier bags.
PENNY: Right, I’m going to start a spring clean, even though it is, what I call, November. And are you going to get a new bed? We can’t both sleep on the lilo.
MIRANDA: (POINTEDLY) Well maybe one of us should leave.
PENNY: Where would you go? (BEAT) Don’t worry if Nude Fondue doesn’t make your father want me back, he’ll be desperate for my Kinky Quiche.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Yuck.
PENNY: Do you want me to get you a bed?
MIRANDA: No, I’ll get my own bed thank you.
PENNY: Don’t forget your keys…
MIRANDA: (AS TEENAGER)I’m not six. (LEAVES) (BEAT) (COMES IN)I forgot my keys…
Penny smiles and goes upstairs. Miranda points angrily at Penny.
STEVIE: Don’t panic, we’ll force her out, now what does she hate?
Miranda grabs a lolly from till area to eat.
MIRANDA: I don’t know, I’m too depressed to think straight. (WHILST EATING) Ghosts, she hates ghosts. But how’s that gonna work?
She walks slowly out then sinks to the floor and drags herself out.
Don’t worry about me. I’ll just be fine, I’ll just…
INT. BED SHOP
Miranda is lying on a bed. There is a tea tray display on the bedside table.
MIRANDA: Mmm yeah, this is nice. Although if you eat in bed you can get the nasty condition, crumb bed. You lie down and feel the abrasive itch of a crumb. Horrid, you have to get it out. And you don’t want to miss a crumb so you can’t go too big on the crumb bed manoeuvre.
Ryan, shop assistant, approaches.
Miranda stops and gets out.
RYAN: If you like the bed, there’s an offer, free duvet – it’s fifteen tog.
MIRANDA: Tog. It’s a funny word isn’t it.
RYAN: Yes, suppose it is. (LAUGHS MANICALLY. BIZARRE LAUGH)
Miranda looks startled.
She sees a single bunk bed with a slide attached.
MIRANDA: Right, oh those look fun. All you’d need would be a ball pool to land in for mornings to be a total joy.
RYAN: Ball pool. (LAUGHS)
Miranda looks startled, brief glance to camera.
Yeah, they’re great for kids.
MIRANDA: Yes, no I wasn’t thinking for me. (TO CAMERA) I was, I was. (RE ANOTHER BED). Ooh. This is a nice one.
RYAN: Try it. I’ve just got to see to this gentleman. It’s got a lovely ridged frame. The bed not the gentleman. (THE LAUGH)
He touches Miranda’s arm, she bats it away.
MIRANDA: Get off!
WOMAN: Excuse me, could you tell me what tog these duvets are?
MIRANDA: Oh umm… I don’t… Well, they’re fifteen tog.
WOMAN: And do the beds come ready assembled?
MIRANDA: I have no idea. Can you stop asking me questions.
WOMAN: Well there’s no need for that attitude. Excuse me are you the manager…?
To the boss who walks past.
This woman has been quite rude…
MIRANDA: I’m not being quite rude.
BOSS: Don’t argue with the customer. You must be the new girl. (TO WOMAN)
I’m so sorry madam, I’ll sort this out myself.
Woman goes.
Right you, now where’s your name badge?
Picks up the remaining name badge from a box labelled ‘staff badges’ on a table. Gives it to Miranda. It reads Sandy.
Here you are, this must be you – now I need…
MIRANDA: The thing is…
BOSS: Do not argue back, I need you down the warehouse now, we’re completely over-stretched.
Moves off.
MIRANDA: But…
BOSS: (SHOUTING) C’mon hurry up…
Miranda hurries along and clocks camera.
INT. BED SHOP WAREHOUSE
Miranda is driving a fork-lift carrying some beds.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) I think this has got a bit out of hand.
INT. BED SHOP STAFF ROOM
A group of staff having a tea break. Michelle (ballsy, Essex girl) is making cups of tea.
MICHELLE: So have you got a boyfriend, Sandy?
MIRANDA: (CHECKS HER NAME BADGE) Sandy, that’s me. I dunno – does Sandy have a boyfriend? Well I’d know wouldn’t I, being Sandy. Does Sandy have a boyfriend, no she doesn’t. (LAUGHS)
MICHELLE: Good. Coz we were all sayin’ yesterday – we should like totally renounce men. Do you know what I’m saying?
MIRANDA: I do know what you’re saying, yeah that sounds great. Yeah. (TO CAMERA) I’ve caught her accent. (TO MICHELLE) Renouncing men – yeah bring it on my sisters.
MICHELLE: Yeah, coz we don’t need males. In’ that right?
MIRANDA: Innit just right though innit. (LOOKS TO CAMERA) You know, I’ve had enough of men. Innit?
MICHELLE: That’s it… go girl…
MIRANDA: Oh do you want me to go? Oh I see. Sorry, you go girl. Yeah, no, I go. Exactly, go me, go Sandy. Yeah, I’m saying to myself this, Sandy, I’m saying, Sandy, I was saying to myself, you my girl, will not be pushed around no more.
MICHELLE: Do you know what I mean?
MIRANDA: Well I do yes because I just said it.
Ryan comes in
What are you doing back here?
MIRANDA: I’m Sandy…
RYAN: No you’re not.
MIRANDA: Says who?
RYAN: I do.
MIRANDA: Oh do you now do you do diddly do?
(TO CAMERA) Gone Irish.
RYAN: I think you should leave.
MIRANDA: Not before I show you the bed I want, and at a staff discount… Never let them push you around girls, yeah?
MICHELLE: Do you get me?
MIRANDA: Go me. Go Sandy.
The girls all whoop. Miranda does some dance groove out.
INT. SHOP
Miranda comes swaggering confidently in to the shop.
STEVIE: And where have you been?
MIRANDA: I did a four-hour shift at the bed shop. But more importantly have I discovered my inner Sandy. Yo girlfriend.
They shake hands.
STEVIE: I already like Sandy…
MIRANDA: Yeah she’s wicked. And Sandy says, well I say, we both say, we are one and the same… briefly having an existential crisis… We, I, am renouncing men… Coz here’s the thing. Come here – (THEY HUDDLE). We could get any man if we wanted to. And she said, well I say, we/I am renouncing men. Yeah are you with me, I’m renouncing men. Amen.
STEVIE: Course we could, look at us.
MIRANDA: And what I slash Sandy says is this, wait for it, (DRAMATICALLY) I am my own husband.
STEVIE: Oh, I like that.
MIRANDA: It’s good isn’t it? In a nutshell – I’m practical enough to change a lightbulb, but I get the bed to myself. You with me?
Danny comes in. Miranda has back to door.
STEVIE: A man.
Miranda does a turn/jumps at Danny.
MIRANDA: A man. Sorry – I see. A man. (BEAT) Hello.
DANNY: Hi. Clive said you worked here? Nice shop.
MIRANDA: Thanks. Do you like my trinkets? Not a euphemism.
She struts to the till and clocks camera.
DANNY: I’m looking for someone to show me around. Clive also said you’re the only single lady in town.
STEVIE: I’m also sing…
Miranda pushes her off her stool.
MIRANDA: Yeah that’s me.
DANNY: Is that because you’re renouncing men?
MIRANDA: Ah yes, yup…
DANNY: OK. That’s a shame.
Starts to go.
STEVIE: (WHISPERING) What are you doing? You can’t renounce him!
MIRANDA: (WHISPERING) Well I can’t suddenly un-renounce, he’ll think I’m odd and confused. Which I am but we must hide this.
STEVIE: Sandy isn’t odd and confused – go get your Danny.
MIRANDA/STEVIE: Oohh Sandy and Danny…
STEVIE: And if you don’t go for it, then I’ll whip out my allure…
Danny has walked back from the door. Suddenly they see him there and jump.
DANNY: Now, I don’t like getting a no.
STEVIE: (FLIRTING) Oh well I’d say yes.
Miranda pushes her off her stool again.
DANNY: Are you renouncing all men? What if I asked you out tonight…
MIRANDA: Well, I would say, that you are officially renounced… but…
She moves around to sit sexily on the edge of the till.
(TO CAMERA) This better look good, because I’m sitting on something very uncomfortable…
There’s a clause in my renouncement that says… this – if somebody is new to an area, and asks a woman out on their first night, the aforementioned woman mentioned heretofore is obliged nay commanded nay must accept.
DANNY: That’s a good clause. I like a headstrong independent woman.
MIRANDA: Well hello.
DANNY: My last girlfriend lived with her mum. Pretty freaky huh?
PENNY: (COMING DOWNSTAIRS) Miranda, I’ve washed your control pants. (HOLDING THEM UP) That should suck it all back in.
MIRANDA: This is my cleaner…
PENNY: Well excuse me…
MIRANDA: (TO PENNY, WHISPERED) He’s asking me out…
PENNY: (IN A KIND OF POLISH ACCENT) Well hello, I am cleaner. Miss Penelopia…
STEVIE: Where are you from?
PENNY: (IN ACCENT)Poland? (BEAT) And I was coming down because I needed polish. Imagine. I am Polish, and I forgot my polish. (LAUGHS)
DANNY: OK, I’ll see you later. (LEAVING) six-thirty?
MIRANDA: Lovely.
He leaves.
Mum, make sure you’re out of the flat tonight.
PENNY: Why because he might come back? (LAUGHS)
Stevie laughs. Stevie and Penny high five.
MIRANDA: He might. He might. (TO CAMERA) He might.
INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM
Miranda comes out of her bedroom changed into a dress for her date.
She is trying to get her tights on.
The flat is looking a lot cleaner… but still a bit messy, stuff lying about.
Stevie is helping Miranda get ready – brushing her hair, spraying scent. There is a general fuss.
There is also a goat on the sofa!
STEVIE: Hurry up, he is downstairs. Can’t believe you slept all afternoon.
MIRANDA: I know, I just meant to try my new bed…
Miranda suddenly sees the goat. Stares at it, and stares at camera.
STEVIE: Oh yes, I forgot to say.
MIRANDA: There’s a massive goat in my sitting room and you just forgot to say.
STEVIE: It’s good isn’t it?
Miranda looks confused.
You said your mum hates goats.
MIRANDA: GHOSTS. I said GHOSTS. Who has any strong opinions on goats?
STEVIE: I did think it was odd.
MIRANDA: And you didn’t think to check before, how…?
Penny enters carrying some shopping, starts unpacking. Including a house plant and fruit.
PENNY: Don’t worry, I’m going out, I’ve just bought a few more thi
ngs to spruce…
Suddenly sees the goat and stares.
STEVIE: Ooh scary isn’t it? Grrr a goat.
DANNY: (OOV) Hello?
MIRANDA: Quick!
Moving Penny out of the way sprays perfume.
Miranda pushes her to the bedroom.
Danny appears at the door.
DANNY: Hi?
MIRANDA: Hello.
Miranda dives to the doorway to lean in it so he can’t come in.
DANNY: You all ready?
MIRANDA: Yes um, Let me just grab my clutch… clutch bag…
Stevie passes it.
Good word: clutch, isn’t it. Clutch.
Suddenly the goat bleats
DANNY: What was that?
MIRANDA: (BLEATS) Me, I’m just so excited. (BLEATS) So shall we go?
She rushes out, indicating to Stevie to get rid of the goat.
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT
Miranda and Danny come through the door laughing.
The flat looks amazing, really tidy, plants, cookie jars, a bowl of fruit, home made biscuits.
DANNY: Wow, what a beautiful place…
MIRANDA:
Sees it.
Wow.
DANNY: Can I use your loo?
He takes a biscuit.
MIRANDA: Yeah help yourself.
MIRANDA: Yes sure it’s through there…
DANNY: Did you make these?
Miranda nods.
DANNY: (TRYING A BISCUIT)
What do you use?
On way to bathroom.
MIRANDA: Umm… Flour, food, hobs… nobs…
PENNY: (WHISPERS FROM BEHIND THE SOFA)
Nutmeg…
MIRANDA: Nutmeg.
Looks around and screams on seeing Penny.
I’m a nut for nutmeg.
He goes to bathroom.
(WHISPERS) Mum, what are you doing here?
PENNY: Sorry. I didn’t think he’d come back and your father’s changed the locks…
MIRANDA: I’m not interested. Quick, get in the bedroom.
Miranda is bustling Penny to the bedroom.
Loo flushes, and door opens, Miranda hides Penny behind the armchair.
MIRANDA: Ah hello, do you want to take a seat?
Miranda ushers him to the sofa.
Err, a drink?
DANNY: A scotch if you have one… I have to say I think I got you all wrong.
