by Miranda Hart
MIRANDA: I’ll come down. (TO STEVIE) Pass my pashmina.
STEVIE: (SHAKING HER HEAD) No.
MIRANDA: It’s my chic look!
Stevie passes it but we reveal Mr Butternut was underneath it.
MIKE: What? What’s that?
MIRANDA: That is Stevie’s.
STEVIE: Yeah, it’s mine well it’s my friend’s. I’m looking after it whilst she’s away, she didn’t want to leave him in a kennel.
Miranda stares at Stevie. Mike looks confused.
INT. SHOP
Stevie is working. Miranda snaps toy in Stevie’s face.
STEVIE: Ow!
MIRANDA: Do you want to play a game?
STEVIE: I’m working.
Miranda snatches pen.
MIRANDA: Oh come on, we could play ‘What cereal am I?’ Or ‘Can we fit Stevie in a pillowcase?’
Miranda moves awkwardly arranging her pants.
Oh sorry, oh. My pants have gone (MOUTHS) northwards. Specifically north-north-east. Sorry. (TO CAMERA) Sorry.
Miranda walks weirdly and pulls pants out of bottom.
STEVIE: Urh, this is a public space!
MIRANDA: Sorry but I washed this last pair of pants in the dishwasher, and it sort of melted them. (OFF STEVIE’S LOOK) It was resourceful! Oh dear, no. It’s getting really uncomfortable now actually.
A male customer walks in.
I’m going to have to take my pants off. (TO CUSTOMER) Sorry sir, I didn’t see you and immediately think I must take my pants off. I’m not being lewd. Do excuse me. (TO CAMERA) Excuse me.
She goes to the kitchen area to change.
(OOV) Oh! No, I’m not sure about this going commando business. Oh no, that feels wrong.
Stevie serves the customer.
STEVIE: I’m so sorry.
Miranda comes out.
MIRANDA: I’m a culotte incident away from moonery. (TO CUSTOMER) Careful!
Customer exits.
STEVIE: How you think you’re fit for the adult world of relationships is beyond me.
MIRANDA: For that statement I find myself begging your pardon.
STEVIE: You’re pretending to be someone you’re not when you’re with Mike, then one night without him, you’re a child again and the notion of not wearing pants is hilarious. Just popping your maturity on the end of my flagpole.
MIRANDA: You’re just jealous Miss Singletepots! I’m a functioning adult in a mature relationship.
Penny enters carrying linen.
PENNY: Darling, I’ve got your bed sheets. I ironed the Knight Rider duvet because David Hasselhoff was looking peculiar.
STEVIE: All Penny does is sort out your life.
PENNY: Excuse me Little Miss Oompa Loompa. I have a very busy life. I’m having work done on my kitchen. There are lunches, rotas. This week I’m on the rota for Rotary. I only did these because Miranda has to find a new plumber.
INT. FLAT (FLASHBACK)
Miranda lets a plumber in.
MIRANDA: It’s just down ’ere guvnor, mate, me friend, alright? D’you want a brew? Jestive?
Plumber looks under the sink showing his crack.
PLUMBER: OK love, well let’s just quickly seal this crack shall we.
Miranda takes tape out of his bag and gaffers his crack.
INT. SHOP
MIRANDA: Right, I’m to have a mature adult day about town, fully commando.
Zips up top pointedly.
Actually I’m beginning to enjoy the freedom now.
PENNY: (GOING) Oh it’s fabulous! I’ve been pantless since…
MIRANDA: Don’t say this…
PENNY: I skinny dipped with Christopher Plummer-ed-me-thrice.
Such fun!
Penny exits.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) I’ll never recover. (OPENS DOOR) Ooh! (COMES BACK IN) That’s breezy! How do you negotiate the frozen food aisles? (GIGGLES) Serious woman. (GRABS PASHMINA; EXITS) (OOV) Oooh! (GIGGLES)
INT. RESTAURANT
Gary is working. Chris and Alison are with a buggy, stressing about their toddler. Miranda strides in.
MIRANDA: (TO A DINER) I’m not wearing any pants. Enjoy your meatballs. Hi Gary. Hi Rose.
GARY: Hey.
ALISON: (ANGRILY) Where did you put the muslins Papa Bear?
MIRANDA: What’s going on?
GARY: I was meant to be babysitting for Chris and Alison but I’ve got this urgent loan application I’ve got to fill out.
ROSE: Tell her. He’s buying the restaurant!
MIRANDA: Wow, that’s so exciting, Gary!
ROSE: Congrats babe.
GARY: Thanks darling (KISSES ROSE).
ROSE: See you later. (EXITS)
ALISON: You’re sure you can’t help us, Gary?
MIRANDA: Well hello? Babysitter.
GARY: Well hello, responsibility.
MIRANDA: Hello, rude.
CHRIS: We’re, we’re having a little bosom leakage.
MIRANDA: Oh, still breastfeeding?
CHRIS: Well nothing beats mother’s latte.
Miranda does a puke face.
GARY: So, good news – Miranda’s offered to babysit.
ALISON: Oh. Well. We’re desperate. It’s only a couple of hours. It’s a hospital appointment.
CHRIS: She’s got to have a scrape.
MIRANDA: Oh, right, OK, now that’s the kind of word you should mouth, alright? (SHE DEMONSTRATES) ‘Scrape’.
CHRIS: We want to try for another.
ALISON: We might try for another. Only I can speak for my vagina.
MIRANDA: Why? Why? (THEY STARE AT HER)
(SINGS) Why Delilah? Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!
ALISON: (TO CHILD) You’re going to have fun with Auntie Miranda. (TO MIRANDA) We’ve booked a music session at the soft play centre. So, nappies, wipes, spare wipes, Mr Boo Boo. (HANDS A TEDDY OVER)
CHRIS: Now come on, dumpling! (THEY LEAVE)
GARY: Thank you. You’re a lifesaver.
Goes to kiss Miranda on the cheek, they miss and nearly go for lips.
MIRANDA: Ooh, nearly snogged there!
They laugh. A moment.
MIRANDA: Right, OK. Sophisticated lady coming through.
Miranda’s pashmina gets caught in the buggy wheels and she’s brought to ground.
My pashmina’s got stuck in… I think it’s stuck…
She crawls towards the door.
INT. SOFT PLAY CENTRE
In the corner is a music session. The teacher is an over-the-top musical theatre type and sings even when she’d normally be speaking.
PLAYGROUP: (SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm… E-I-E-I-O…
TEACHER: (SINGS) It’s nearly time to finish up, so on to the final round…
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) (SINGING) She sings everything, it’s totally brilliant!
TEACHER: (SINGS) And on that farm he had a…
She turns to Miranda.
MIRANDA: My turn? Err, Dolphin! Out of the box. With a… (MAKES A WEIRD NOISE) here and a (CLICKS) there, here a (NOISE), there are (NOISE) everywhere a (NOISES).
TEACHER: Right, I think we’ll end it there!
INT. SOFT PLAY AREA
Miranda running around the soft play centre. Ventures into the climbing tunnel.
MIRANDA: (SHOUTING AT KIDS) Move up, move up!
She gets stuck. We see children stuck behind her, piling up in the tunnel.
MIRANDA: Oh, oh me back’s gone. Kids backing up. Oh you stink!
The teacher has crawled up and faces her.
TEACHER: (SINGING BRIGHTLY) Somebody looks a bit stuck.
They are both sitting at the top of a bumpy slide
TEACHER: This is the only way down.
MIRANDA: But my back. I can’t and I’m scared. I’m sorry I just…
The teacher suddenly pushes Miranda who slides down screaming. The toddlers all follow. Miranda lands in the ball pool.
Oh, I can’t – ooh! Oh my back! Get me out of here…
INT. OSTEOPATH TREATMENT ROOM
The osteo room is formal, with massage table with roll of paper on it. There is a lit candle, calming pictures and a large standing skeleton. The osteo (Valerie – a man) is standing behind Miranda looking and feeling her lower back. He is 60s, confident, high status, got a slight London accent, and is wearing a toupee.
VALERIE: Yes, yes, I – yes I think we ought to be able to ease that. So if you’d like to get down to your bra, bra and vest and pants, then I’ll pop back in a moment.
He exits. Miranda goes behind screen.
She takes off her shirt so is in slip and bra. She takes off trousers and then realises…
MIRANDA: (GASPS)No pants!
VALERIE: (OOV) Yes, twenty milligrams of Voltarol should do the trick.
Miranda grabs the paper from the couch.
(OOV) And tell her that I’ll speak to her when I’ve seen my patient.
MIRANDA: Oh my!
Valerie re-enters.
VALERIE: Right.
Turns to miranda. We reveal Miranda in the paper pants. Valerie gets another roll of paper to put on his couch.
MIRANDA: Oh right! You do need the paper on the couch. I presumed it was there for origami. Hence origami pants slash nappy. Has anyone ever done you a swan or…?
VALERIE: No you’re the first patient who’s done origami.
MIRANDA: Well it’s a happy day for us both then isn’t it?
VALERIE: (LOOKS BLANK) So if you’d like to lie face up on the couch please.
MIRANDA: As the osteo said to the patient! No? OK.
He begins to manipulate Miranda’s back and gets quite close.
Ooh! Hello! Intimate isn’t it? We’ll have to become engaged after this sir.
Suddenly sees his wig slipping.
MIRANDA: Wig! (TO CAMERA) Wig!
Miranda kind of blows at the wig to try and push it back up. He sees. She turns it into pout and kind of blows kisses.
VALERIE: And if you’d like to lie on your side please?
He leans on her and does a crunch in a compromising position.
MIRANDA: Oooh did we just consummate our engagement?
VALERIE: And on to your back. One final stretch, OK.
Valerie pushes her knees down on to chest. She does a big fart and blows out the candle.
Miranda clocks camera.
INT. SHOP
Miranda comes downstairs wearing her ‘Where’s Miranda?’ outfit.
STEVIE: Oh, good day to you. 1. Why are you wearing your Where’s Miranda? outfit? And b) How was your mature day about town?
MIRANDA: 1. I only have this left to wear, the washing machine is still broken. And b) I got stuck in a tunnel in a soft play centre, did my back in, went pantless to an osteopath where I farted and blew out a candle.
STEVIE: (STARES) I don’t…
MIRANDA: I know. I know. And instead of getting over it all like a normal thirty-something with a glass of red and a leaf through Tatler, last night I got a felt tip pen and decorated my breasts as Jedward. Mike is going to realise I’m a nonsense and dump me.
STEVIE: Then sire, I throw down the ‘It’s Time To Grow Up And Do Without Mummy’ gauntlet.
MIRANDA: Well sire, I pick up your gauntlet. With such verve and vigour, I smash it about your little tiny face.
Mike enters.
MIKE: Hey Quirky!
MIRANDA: Hi!
They kiss.
MIKE: Listen, about tonight I just had a call from Dad, he’s really down so I said I’d go out with him.
MIRANDA: No worries.
MIKE: Well actually he asked about finally meeting you.
MIRANDA: Ooh, that’s a step I’m not sure if…
STEVIE: (SUDDENLY SHOUTS) Gauntlet!
MIRANDA: Gauntlet! Sorry. Yes, good, no I would like to meet my boyfriend’s father. Bring him round, I’ll cook.
Nods to Stevie. Stevie positive reaction.
MIKE: Great. Bit nervous. With previous girlfriends there’s always been a bit of a culling.
MIRANDA: Culling?
MIKE: He’s, he’s particular.
MIRANDA: Is he? Good. (TO CAMERA) Help.
Penny walks in.
PENNY: I’ve stitched your bra.
Miranda pushes Penny over.
MIRANDA: Bra, bra, bra, bra, bra bra-bar-ran. Is how excited I am about tonight. (KISSES MIKE) See you later.
Mike exits. Miranda picks Penny up.
Sorry, Mother, sorry it’s just I am with gauntlet and from now on I take all adult tasks on. For tonight I cook for my boyfriend’s father.
MIRANDA & STEVIE: Sire!
PENNY: It’s for Mike’s father? Err, no that’s fine, that’s fine. Very happy not to get involved, sire. Bye Miranda, live well.
They hug.
(WHISPERS TO MIRANDA) Wine glasses not tumblers and use the crockery your aunt left you.
STEVIE: Penny! Go!
She separates them.
MIRANDA: Which one’s that?
PENNY: The flowery one.
MIRANDA: No, which one’s crockery? Plates or spoons?
PENNY: Oh help us all! Bye, darling.
Exits.
MIRANDA: Bye, Mummy.
STEVIE: Oh, it’s for your own good.
Stevie goes into the kitchen. Penny pops back in.
PENNY: Red wine meat, white wine fish and if in doubt, Delia.
STEVIE: (COMING BACK FROM THE KITCHEN) Oi! (TO MIRANDA) I knew you’d never do it ‘mature relationship’.
MIRANDA: Oh well, now, I have had enough of this doubting little Miss and Mrs Doubtfire. Yeah. (SNAPS HER FINGERS)
Tonight I shall have a couples’ dinner party and without your help I shall have a soiree with home-cooked fayre and good crockery (TO CAMERA) which is plates. And there shall be Bublé on the stereo and I won’t even laugh at the name Bublé. (LAUGHS) It’s got boob in it! Stevie, if you manage to get a boyfriend by tonight, do come.
She goes upstairs.
INT. FLAT, AFTERNOON
Miranda is in the kitchen. A range of ingredients neatly laid out.
MIRANDA: Right ingredients, hello to you alfalfa. I thought you were a llama but a hearty welcome. Right let’s do this, it can’t be that hard!
INT. FLAT, EVENING
A few hours later. The kitchen is in total chaos. Miranda is cross and stressed.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) It’s really hard! At one point I was told to skiffle carrots. Skiffle! Am I to play them a percussive instrument and dance for them? I confused tsp with tsbp. Trying to do a salmon terrine starter. (SHE TRIES TO WRAP CLING FILM AROUND HER RIDICULOUS LOOKING TERRINE) Who can strike clean a piece of cling film? I was going to do crepe suzette for pudding but um.
We see three burnt pancakes on the ceiling. She opens a cupboard.
Penis pasta? What’s that doing there? That’s not funny to eat in your thirties. I see only one option.
INT. SUPERMARKET
Miranda rushing around. She stumbles upon a salmon terrine.
MIRANDA: (HOLDS IT UP) All hail! A terrine. Even potatoes! Why do we bother cooking? Why?
WOMAN: I’m doing this fish pie for six and they’ll never know.
MIRANDA & OTHER WOMEN: (AS A DITTY) Praise M&S putting food on our table, (OTHER SHOPPERS JOIN THEM) coz cooking drives us crazy, we’re busy-slash-lazy. (TO CAMERA) Other upmarket food stores are available!
MIRANDA: Ladies, go. Decant in your own dishes and lie!
They disband happily.
INT. FLAT
Gary, Rose and Penny have arrived. The terrine is on a chopping board in the kitchen. Miranda is wearing a dress, has an apron around her waist. Bublé is on. Gary and Rose are babysitting Chris and Alison’s child and getting him ready for bed.
MIRANDA: Who has caused me a wonky throw?
GARY: Now are you sure you don’t mind us babysitting? I’m really sorry I just have to make it up with Chris and Alison.
MIRANDA: Of course.
ROSE: (COMING IN FROM BEDRO
OM) Can I pop the baby monitor here?
PENNY: I am not interfering, darling. If I were I would say dab that stain off your dress. I’m saying nothing.
MIRANDA: Mother, this is soap because I hand washed it and I’ve called the plumber back. I am an in-control adult with my cocktail sausages.
The doorbell rings. She spills sausages. She takes a breath and opens the door. Stevie enters with a traffic warden (Norman).
STEVIE: This is my boyfriend, Norman. We’ve come for the dinner party.
MIRANDA: You have clearly just dragged a traffic warden off the street.
STEVIE: No, no we’re seeing each other. (NORMAN GOES TO KISS HER) Get off me.
Rose comes out of the bedroom.
ROSE: Babe, come and help me settle him.
GARY: Yeah, sure.
Miranda points at Norman the traffic warden.
MIRANDA: (TO STEVIE) Get this out!
MIKE: (OOV) Yes she bought the shop four years ago.
MIRANDA: Bum bummery! They’re here. OK act normal, act normal.
They all act strangely, attempting normal.
No, more natural. More natural. Just…
They act stranger, ending in a weird pose. Mike brings in his dad.
MIKE: Miranda, this is my father.
It’s the osteopath from yesterday. Miranda stares.
Then clocks camera.
VALERIE: Well.
MIRANDA: Well.
VALERIE: Very nice to meet you, Miranda.
MIRANDA: Very nice to meet you too, Mr Jackford.
VALERIE: Call me Valerie.
MIRANDA: (LAUGHS) Yeah, good one, call me Derek!
MIKE: Dad’s name is Valerie.
Penny puts her head in her hands.
MIRANDA: What’s your mum called, Dave? (LAUGHS) Right, let me introduce you to my mother for tonight you are a Valerie Singleton if you…
MIKE: Dad, this is Penny.
MIRANDA: Stevie, osteopath, he was the osteopath!
STEVIE: No.
MIRANDA: (WHISPERING) Sir, um, could I take your coat?
She does. Valerie is flicking some keys.
Lovely, and your keys?
VALERIE: Or shall I throw them in a bowl?
