No I’m so sorry. No That’s horrible. You shouldn’t have had to go through that. And in this moment, I am so grateful for her. You get tired of hearing that after a while. Like, why are you sorry? You did nothing. I understand its meaning, but it’s still a song I’d rather not hear. We sit down on a cushioned bench by the sidewalk, and I lean back and stretch my legs out.
“It’s a shame their death insurance money is paying for all of this,” I say with a wave of my hand. “I could be spending it on college tuition or some shit like that.”
“Do you want to go to college?” Ellie asks.
I smirk. “No, I don’t think so,” I reply regrettably.
“Did they ever find the men who did it?”
“Yeah, they were two druggies looking for quick cash,” I respond, sighing and realizing I'm tired. “Can we talk some more tomorrow?”
“Of course, Maddie. You did well today. I’m proud of you,” Ellie tells me.
“Thanks, I’m going to take a nap,” I say before I get up and make the short walk back to my room. I slip my shoes off and crawl into my bed. Sliding my hands up under my cool pillow and closing my eyes, I let sleep take over and dream of my parents.
Bubbles spill out of the washing machine, and Dad looks over at me, wide-eyed. I give him that same look as I hear the front door open. It’s Mom, and she is going to kill both of us.
“Quick, B. Go stall her while I try to figure out what to do with this,” he says, gesturing to the mess of bubbles that has now made it to the floor.
“Okay!” I say and walk out of the laundry room. “Hey, Mom,” I greet her with a little too high tone. Arms filled with grocery bags, she smiles at me and puts them down onto the counter.
“Hey, baby girl.” She unloads the bags, and I see she bought detergent.
“I’ll put that up,” I say, grabbing the bottle.
“Thanks.” She opens the fridge and puts the milk inside. I walk toward the laundry room and see Dad hasn’t done much. Actually, it’s worse, and he has bubbles in his hair. I giggle as he tries to reach behind the washer, and I guess unplug it.
“It’s gone mad, B!” he says. “I can’t reach the plug!” He is high-pitch whispering, making me laugh even more.
“B, you forgot the fabric…” Mom stops in her tracks as she takes in the disaster that comes from dad and daughter trying to help with the laundry. Dad turns around slowly, and I look between them. Oh, crap. I’m waiting for the time bomb to go off. I’m waiting for Mom to get that wrinkle between her eyes when she gets mad at Dad, but it doesn’t happen. She bites her lip, and white bubbles fall out of Dad’s hair. I hear a smirk, and when I look over, my mom has covered her mouth with her hand, and I see the shake in her shoulders as she tries to hold in her laughter. The washing machine makes a crazy sound, and more bubbles shoot out. That’s all it takes, and my mom is laughing hysterically. Eyes watering, hand on stomach, good laughing, which in turn, causes Dad and me to laugh.
I wake myself with the sounds coming out of me, and I realize I was laughing in my sleep. I let out another laugh as I think about my dream. A few more laughs slip from my lips as I remember Dad trying to clean up all those bubbles. They were impossible to clean up. I’m laughing, and then I start to cry. It feels so good that I keep it up. I cry because I miss my parents. I cry because I remember them so well, and I haven’t remembered them in a long time. I remember my dad’s smell––cigarettes and morning time coffee. I remember how I felt when my mom hugged me. The comfort of her arms around me and the small kisses she sprinkled in my hair. I remember it all, and I let those tears fall because I haven’t cried like this for them in years. I feel it when some of the weight breaks from my chest, and it feels amazing.
***
White, puffy clouds move slowly above me as I lie on my blanket in the grass. My hands rest behind my head, and my ankles are crossed. Ellie leans back against my new favorite tree waiting for me to start. My brain races with memories. It’s incredible how much you forget you remembered when your mind is clear.
“I was in the system for two years before I met Frankie Carson. Two years of ‘Don’t use my stuff,’ and never feeling like part of the family because I was always left with the neighbors when they went on family vacations,” I tell Ellie as she sits, and I lie under the old oak tree. I don’t know why, but it’s easier to talk to her outside. “It was hard getting moved from house to house because I was told I had an attitude problem. I don’t think my attitude was the problem. I think it was some of those smart-ass kids I had to deal with.” I pluck a piece of grass from the ground and twirl it in my hand.
“So, you don’t think your attitude had anything to do with it?” Ellie asks, and I look over at her as she lifts a questionable brow.
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I didn’t know what to think about Frankie at first. Average-sized man who loved white T-shirts and beer. He drove an old pickup that backfired sometimes and had a rusted out floorboard. He worked a lot when we were growing up, managed his own construction crew. He was good to us kids, but he didn’t put up with bullshit, still doesn’t. Rough around the edges and can hurt your feelings in a heartbeat—it wasn’t always easy, but it made us tougher and taught us to not take things to heart so easily. He loves fresh honey,” I tell her. “He gets it from a bee farm outside of Crystal Bay, says it’s good for what ails you. Maybe it is.” I smile. “Most people don’t question Frankie.
“Landon Davis was someone I never expected to know,and what you would call a pretty boy. Dark hair, eyes the color of the sky just before dawn. Sun-kissed skin, tall, and total beach bum. He wore a black hat turned backward and a white T-shirt with some writing on the front about beaches and surfing when he came down Frankie’s stairs. We took to each other as quickly as he took to the waves on a beautiful summer day. Landon’s mom decided she wanted drugs more than she wanted to be a parent. He found her lying on the floor one night with a needle in her arm. She had overdosed, and the government decided he no longer needed to be around her. She agreed and signed away her rights when she got out of the hospital. His dad passed away when he was too young to know any different, so he got a social security check every month like me, and with it he bought his first surfboard.”
“So, Frankie adopted you two?” Ellie asks me.
“No, never did adopt us, but never let us go anywhere else either, and he never took in any more children besides the three of us.”
“Three?” she questions.
“Yeah,” I say on a deep breath. I run my hands through my hair and pop my knuckles.
“Maddie,” Ellie says. I look over at her and see concern on her face.
“This one is hard,” I reply, looking away.
“That’s okay. Take your time,” she tells me. Memories of him pass through my mind, and I close my eyes briefly as I try to think of where to start.
“River Dawson was the bad kid.” I shake my head as I think about all the things that boy got into. “Dirty blond hair that needed a trim, green eyes like summertime grass, and dimples you couldn’t help but smile at—he was the definition of trouble,” I say as I sit upright and pull my legs up to my chest. I hug my calves and rest my chin on top of my knees. “We fought a lot the first few years I lived at Frankie’s, but hell, River fought a lot with everyone. He would pick on me about something stupid, but then turn around and beat some kid’s face in for doing the same thing. Frankie was always on his ass. With good reason, though.” I kind of laugh. “Growing up, River did everything you could think of to get under Frankie’s skin and mine and Landon’s,” I say with an eye roll. “He would hide under my bed and scare the shit out of me after I just finished watching a horror film. He broke into Frankie’s garage when he was thirteen and stole his truck. Frankie found out because it was on empty when he returned it. River begged me to give him my savings out of my piggy bank to fill the tank, but he forgot it was also empty. The week before he took it to play cards and lost it all. I was pissed about that for a
while. He swore he could double my money, and, of course, I believed him because it was River.” I take the hair tie from my wrist and grab my hair to get it off my neck.
“But over time, we grew closer. The picking didn’t fully stop, but it became different. I stopped looking at him as though he was an annoying boy I had to share a house with to something else. I grew up riding his handlebars and camping out with him and Landon by the beach. River and I shared secrets, and no matter how bad everyone thought he was, I knew better. I knew he was a good person, and I told him everything,” I say, looking down at my feet. “But time changes, doesn’t it?” I ask, looking back up at Ellie.
“Yes,” she agrees. “Sometimes for the better and sometimes not so much. How did River end up at Frankie’s?”
“His dad was in prison for doing some shady shit with some bad people in town. I would find out who those bad people were, but that would come later,” I say. “Anyway, everyone swore River would follow in his footsteps.” I grow quiet as I remember his last words to me, and that familiar sting forms in my chest.
“I need you to move on, B. Don’t come back.”
I shake that feeling off and continue. “It was a crazy ride,” I tell her. “And the year I turned seventeen is when things really got interesting.” I pause. “You said to understand a person’s present, you have to go back to their past, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, let’s go back then,” I say, exhaling.
Chapter Four
Pieces of the Past
Windblown hair and whiskey on my lips, I grab my hair tie and pull my dark strands up. The black pavement below our feet is still wet from the rain we had earlier, and the light from the overhead street lamps gives it a shiny glow. Taking a sip from the cheap bottle of whiskey he stole, River lifts his hat and leaves it sitting lazily on his head. We three are already well on our way to being drunk, and I laugh when Landon trips over his shoelace and stumbles onto someone’s yard. He falls on his back, and River walks over to help him up.
“Come on, Landon.” Whiskey thief grins. Smiling up at River, loose shoelace boy takes his hand.
“You two gonna make out, or are we going to this party?” I ask with a lift of my lip.
“Shut up, B. No one’s making out,” River says. “Unless it’s you and me, that is.” He winks, pulling Landon up. The thought sort of makes my stomach flip, and I don’t know why. This is River. “Relax, B. I was joking.” He smiles, showing me all dimples.
“You relax,” I say, jerking the bottle from his hand and taking a swig. I wince when it goes down, because fuck, this shit is nasty.
***
Fire light dances in the wind and reflects off Cali’s face. She grabbed me as soon as I hit the door, and we’ve drunk more than we needed to. She tugs my hand, and I feel something in hers.
“What is that?” I ask, loud enough for only her.
“It’s just a pill. I’ve taken mine already.”
Bad decisions are what teenagers are known for, right? I grab it from her hand and toss it back, chasing it with the beer in my cup.
***
The warm night air hits my face as I run behind Cali. We hit the sand and slow our steps, laughing and thinking about taking a swim, but I touch the water and tell her she’s crazy. She dips her hand in and slings some on me. I squeal and run. I hear her laughter and turn around to see her swaying, and she starts going in slow circles with her arms spread wide in the night sky, dancing to a secret tune in her mind. I sit down and lean back on my elbows. Sand gets all over me, but I don’t care. I take a deep breath as the waves crash against each other, and I stare out at the water. The glow of the moonlight shines down, covering everything with a soft blue.
Everyone is wasted, and I see River sitting with some girl. My eyes focus on him, and a strong feeling passes through me, but I can’t place what it is. I look away when he notices me, turning my attention back to the ocean and feeling jealous of its freedom. I want out of this town. I want more than this place.
“Up, B.” I glance up, and Cali has her hand out. Purple fingernail polish that matches her hair is chipped, and her wrist is covered in black hearts and flowers she drew herself. I grab her hand and let her pull me up. Someone has brought a radio out by the fire, and Cali spins me around until we both get dizzy and fall.
“What do you want in this life?” Cali asks me as we lie on our backs and link our fingers.
“To be free like the ocean,” I say on a smile. She leans over and kisses my cheek before she hops up. I stay down and look up at the stars that cover the sky. River blocks my view as Cali heads back toward the fire pit. Green eyes look down at me, and I lift my lip lazily. “Hey.”
“Hey, B,” he says.
“Come down here,” I tell him, feeling better than I should because of something I never should have taken. He sits down beside me, and I pull his shirt back so he is forced to fall. He chuckles and looks over at me. I study his face, his eyes, and his nose. It’s been broken more than once, but it does nothing to hurt his looks. My eyes land on his lips, and I get the strongest urge to kiss him, but I blame it on my foggy brain and look away.
“What are you thinking about?” River asks me.
“Running away,” I say, but it’s hardly a whisper, and I’m not sure who I’m talking to–– him, myself, or the night sky. The stars shine brighter, and the wind feels more intense against my skin. Everything is more vivid, and I smile when I feel his hand touch mine as he links our fingers together. It throws me off, but brings me comfort in the best way. I wish we could lie in this spot forever, with the waves crashing, the glow of the moonlight, and his hand in mine.
“I’d go with you,” he says, surprising me, but I don’t show it.
“I’d let you.” I smile, because I would.
***
“So, you’ve been using since you were sixteen?” Ellie asks me.
“Yeah.”
“Pills were your drug of choice?”
“Opiates. I started out with one or two, then before long I was popping eight at a time.”
Ellie looks at me sideways before she writes something down. “Sounds like Cali wasn’t a very good influence,” she says, looking back at me.
“I made my own choices. She didn’t force anything on me,” I reply.
She nods. “Would you say you were starting to have feelings for River?”
I laugh. “I probably always had feelings for him.” I chew on the inside of my mouth. “I realize he was drunk at the time, but when he said he would run away with me––it triggered something––call it teenage hormones if you want, but this was something…different,” I say on a sad smile.
***
Summertime brings big waves and tanned skin. Putting my sketchpad to the side, I roll over on my towel and slide my shades on. Cali is on her stomach, bent knees, while her feet move back and forth in the air. Purple toenail polish covers her nails, and pieces of sand fall from her feet as she moves them. Blue skies and sunshine are all I see until I look over when I hear Landon laughing and River talking. Shirtless and wearing black basketball shorts, River doesn’t notice me staring as he cuts up with Landon. Jesus. When did this boy grow up?
“Come play basketball with me, B,” he teases when he gets closer. He knows I suck.
“I’ll pass,” I reply. He sits down beside me and rests his elbows on his knees.
“You draw that today?” he asks.
“Yeah.” I look down at the paper. It’s an older man walking with a cane and a cigar in his mouth. I saw him walking down Pine Street a few days ago and thought he looked interesting.
“Looks good,” he says. It’s hot out, and sweat drips down his back from playing basketball. I smell the joint when Cali lights it, and before she can pass it to me, River snatches it from her.
“Hey,” I protest.
“Hey yourself,” he replies as he takes a hit. He brings his face down to mine, completely throwing me off guard. He lifts hi
s brow as if saying open up, and my bottom lip goes limp. He blows smoke into my mouth, but all I can think about is how close his face is to mine and how much I like it. I blow his smoke from my lungs and look out at the ocean, dazed and confused.
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