by Whit Burnett
wanted to have a word with him, so I went up and held out my
hand. The moment the Archduke saw me he burst into a roar of
laughter. I was deeply affronted. I looked him up and down
sternly, but he only laughed the more. I was about to speak to
him rather sharply, when there was a sudden hush, and I realized that the King and Queen had come. Turning my back on the Archduke, I stepped forward, and then, quite suddenly, I
noticed that I hadn't got any trousers on. I was in short silk
drawers, and I wore scarlet sock suspenders. No wonder Lady
Connemara had giggled; no wonder the Archduke had laughed!
I can't tell you what that moment was. An agony of shame. I
awoke in a cold sweat. Oh, you don't know the relief I felt to
find it was only a dream."
"It's the kind of dream that's not so very uncommon," said
Dr. Audlin.
"I daresay not. But an odd thing happened next day. I was in
the lobby of the House of Commons, when that fellow Griffiths walked slowly past me. He deliberately looked down at my legs, and then he looked me full in the face, and I was almost
certain he winked. A ridiculous thought came to me. He'd been
there the night before and seen me make that ghastly exhibition
of myself and was enjoying the joke. But of course I knew that
was impossible because it was only a dream. I gave him an icy
glare, and he walked on. But he was grinning his head off."
Lord Mountdrago took his handkerchief out of his pocket
and wiped the palms of his hands. He was making no attempt
now to conceal his perturbation. Dr. Audlin never took his
eyes off him.
"Tell me another dream."
"It was the night after, and it was even more absurd than the
first one. I dreamt that I was in the House. There was a debate
52 • Nineteen Tales of Terror
on foreign affairs which not only the country, but the world,
had been looking forward to with the gravest concern. The
government had decided on a change in their policy which vitally affected the future of the Empire. The occasion was historic. Of course the House was crowded. All the ambassadors were there. The galleries were packed. It fell to me to make the
important speech of the evening. I had prepared it carefully. A
man like me has enemies-there are a lot of people who resent
my having achieved the position I have at an age when even the
cleverest men are content with situations of relative obscurity
-and I was determined that my speech should not only be
worthy of the occasion, but should silence my detractors. It excited me to think that the whole world was hanging on my lips.
I rose to my feet. If you've ever been in the House you'll know
how members chat to one another during a debate, rustle papers and turn over reports. The silence was the silence of the grave when I began to speak. Suddenly I caught sight of that
odious little bounder on one of the benches opposite, Griffiths,
the Welsh member; he put out his tongue at me. I don't know
if you've ever beard a vulgar music-hall song called 'A Bicycle
Made for Two.' It was very popular a great many years ago.
To show Griffiths how completely I despised him I began to
sing it. I sang the first verse right through. There was a moment's surprise, and when I finished they cried 'Hear, hear,' on the opposite benches. I put up my hand to silence them and
sang the second verse. The House listened to me in stony silence
and I felt the song wasn't going down very well. I was vexed,
for I have a good baritone voice, and I was determined that
they should do me justice. When I started the third verse the
members began to laugh; in an instant the laughter spread; the
ambassadors, the strangers in the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, the ladies in the Ladies' Gallery, the reporters, they shook, they bellowed, they held their sides, they rolled in their seats;
everyone was overcome with laughter except the ministers on
the Front Bench immediately behind me. In that incredible, in
that unprecedented , uproar they sat petrified. I gave them a
glance, and suddenly the enormity of what I had done fell upon
me. I had made myself the laughing-stock of the whole world.
With misery I realized that I should have to resign. I woke and
knew it was only a dream."
Lord Mountdrago's grand manner had deserted him as he
narrated this, and now having finished he was pale and trembling. But with an effort he pulled himself together. He forced a laugh to his shaking lips.
"The whole thing was so fantastic that I couldn't help being
amused. I didn't give it another thought, and when I went into
the House on the following afternoon I was feeling in very
Lord Mountdrago • 53
good form. The debate was dull, but I had to be there, and 1
read some documents that required my attention. For some
reason I chanced to look up, and I saw that Griffiths was speaking. He has an unpleasant Welsh accent and an unprepossessing appearance. I couldn't imagine that he had anything to say that
it was worth my while to listen to, and I was about to return to
my papers when he quoted two lines from 'A Bicycle Made for
Two.' I couldn't help glancing at him, and I saw that his eyes
were fixed on me with a grin of bitter mockery. I faintly
shrugged my shoulders. It was comic that a scrubby little Welsh
member should look at me like that. It was an odd coincidence
that he should quote two lines from that disastrous song that
I'd sung all through in my dream. I began to read my papers
again, but I don't mind telling you that I found it difficult to
concentrate on them. I was a little puzzled. Owen Griffiths had
been in my first dream, the one at Connemara House, and I'd
received a very definite impression afterwards that he knew the
sorry figu.re I'd cut. Was it a mere coincidence that he had just
quoted those two lines? I asked myself if it was possible that he
was dreaming the same dreams as I was. But of course the idea
was preposterous, and I determined not to give it a second
thought."
There was a silence. Dr. Audlin looked at Lord Mountdrago
and Lord Mountdrago looked at Dr. Audlin.
"Other people's dreams are very boring. My wife used to
dream occasionally and insist on telling me her dreams next
day with circumstantial detail. I found it maddening."
Dr. Audlin faintly smiled.
"You're not boring me."
"I'll tell you one more dream I had a few days later. I
dreamt that I went into a public house at Limehouse. I've never
been to Limehouse in my life and I don't think I've ever been
in a public house since I was at Oxford, and yet I saw the
street and the place I went into as exactly as if I were at home
there. I went into a room-I don't know whether they call it
the saloon bar or the private bar; there was a fireplace and a
large leather armchair on one side of it, and on the other a small
sofa; a bar ran the whole length of the room, and over it you
could see into the public bar. Near the door was a round
marble-topped table and two armchairs beside it. It was a Saturday night, and the place was packed. It was brightly lit, but the smoke was so thick that it made my eyes smart. I was
dressed like a rough, with a cap on my head and a handkerchief round my neck. It seemed to me that most of the people there were drunk. I thought it rather amusing. There was a
gramophone going, or the radio, I don't know which, and in
front of the fireplace two women were doing a grotesque dance.
54 • Nlneteea Tales of Terror
There was a little crowd around them, laughing, cheering and
singing. I went up to have a look, and some man said to me:
' 'Ave a drink, Bill.' There were glasses on the table full of a
dark liquid which I understand is called brown ale. He gave me
a glass, and not wishing to be conspicuous I drank it. One of
the women who were dancing broke away {rom the other and
took hold of the glass. ' 'Ere, what's the idea?' she said. 'That's
my beer you're putting away.' 'Oh, I'm sorry,' I said, 'this
gentleman offered it to me, and I very naturally thought it was
his to offer.' 'All right, mate,' she said, 'I don't mind. You come
an' 'ave a dance with me.' Before I could protest she'd caught
hold of me and we were dancing together. And then I found
myself sitting in the armchair with the woman on my lap and
we were sharing a glass of beer. I should tell you that sex has
never played any great part in my life. I married young because
in my position it was desirable that I should marry, but also in
order to settle once and for all the question of sex. I bad the
two sons I made up my mind to have, and then I put the whole
matter on one side. I've always been too busy to give much
thought to that kind of thing, and living so much in the public
eye as I do, it would have been madness to do anything that
might give rise to a scandal. The greatest asset a politician can
have is a blameless record as far as women are concerned. I
have no patience with the men who smash up their careers for
women. I only despise them. The woman I bad on my knees
was drunk; she wasn't pretty and she wasn't young : in fact she
· was just a blowsy old prostitute. She filled me with disgust, and
yet when she put her mouth to mine and kissed me, though her
breath stank of beer and her teeth were decayed, though I
loathed myself, I wanted her-1 wanted her with all my soul.
Suddenly I beard a voice : 'That's right, old boy, have a good
time.' I looked up, and there was Owen Griffiths. I tried to
spring out of the chair, but that horrible woman wouldn't let
me. 'Don't you pay no attention to 'im,' she said, 'e's only one
of them nosy parkers.' 'You go to it,' he said. 'I know Moll.
She'll give you your money's worth all right.' You know, I
wasn't so much annoyed at his seeing me in that absurd situation as angry that be should address me as old boy. I pushed the woman aside and stood up and faced him. 'I don't know
you, and I don't want to know you,' I said. 'I know you all
right,' he said. 'And my advice to you, Molly, is, see that you
get your money, he'll bilk you if he can.' There was a bottle of
beer standing on the table close by. Without a word I seized it
by the neck and hit him over the head with it as hard as I
could. I made such a violent gesture that it woke me up.''
"A dream of that sort is not incomprehensible," said Dr.
Lord Mountdraco • 55
Audlin. "It is the revenge nature takes on persons of unimpeachable character."
"The story's idotic. I haven't told it you for its own sake. I've
told it you for what happened the next day. I wanted to look
up something in a hurry, and I went into the library of the
House. I got the book and began reading. I hadn't noticed
when I sat down that Griffiths was sitting in a chair close by me.
Another of the Labour Members came in and went up to him.
'Hullo, Owen,' he said to him, 'you're looking pretty dicky today.' 'I've got an awful headache,' he answered, 'I feel as if I'd been cracked over the head with a bottle.' "
Now Lord Mountdrago's face was grey with anguish.
"I knew then that the idea I'd had and dismissed as preposterous was true. I knew that Griffiths was dreaming my dreams and that he remembered them as well as I did.''
"It may also have been a coincidence."
"When he spoke he didn't speak to his friend, he deliberately
spoke to me. He looked at me with sullen resentment."
"Can you offer any suggestion why this same man should
come into your dreams?"
"None."
Dr. Audlin's eyes had not left his patient's face and he saw
that he lied. He had a pencil in his hand, and he drew a straggling line or two on his blotting paper. It often took a long time to get people to tell the truth, and yet they knew that unless
they told it he could do nothing for them.
"The dream you've just described to me took place just over
three weeks ago. Have you had any since?"
"Every night."
"And does this man Griffiths come into them all?"
"Yes."
The doctor drew more lines on his blotting paper. He wanted
the silence, the drabness, the dull light of that little room to
have its effect on Lord Mountdrago's sensibility. Lord Mountdrago threw himself back in his chair and turned his head away so that he should not see the other's grave eyes.
"Dr. Audlin, you must do something for me. I'm at the end
of my tether. I shall go mad if this goes on. I'm afraid to go to
sleep. Two or three nights I haven't. I've sat up reading and
when I felt drowsy put on my coat and walked till I was exhausted. But I must have sleep. With all the work I have to do I must be at concert pitch; I must be in complete control of all
my faculties. I need rest; sleep brings me none. I no sooner fall
asleep than my dreams begin, and he's always there, that vulgar
little cad, grinning at me, mocking me, despising me. It's a
monstrous persecution. I tell you, Doctor, I'm not the man of
56 • Nineteen Tales of Terror
my dreams; it's not fair to judge me by them. Ask anyone you
like. I'm an honest, upright, decent man. No one can say anything against my moral character either private or public. My whole ambition is to serve my country and maintain its greatness. I have money, I have rank, I'm not exposed to many of the temptations of lesser men, so that it's no credit to me to be
incorruptible; but this I can claim, that no honour, no personal
advantage, no thought of self would induce me to swerve by a
hairsbreadth from my duty. I've sacrificed everything to become the man I am. Greatness is my aim. Greatness is within my reach, and I'm losing my nerve. I'm not that mean, despicable, cowardly, lewd creature that horrible little man sees. I've told you three of my dreams; they're nothing; that man has
seen me do things that are so beastly, so horrible, so shameful,
that even if my life depended on it I wouldn't tell them. And he
remembers them. I can hardly meet the derision and disgust
I see in his eyes, and I even hesitate to speak because I know
my words can seem to him nothing but utter humbug. He's seen
me do things that no man with any self-respect would do, things
for which men are driven out of the society of their fellows
and sentenced to long terms of imprisonment; he's heard the
foulness of my speech; he's seen me not only ridiculous, but
revolting. He despises me and he no longer pretends
to conceal
it. I tell ydu that if you can't do something to help me I shall
either kill myself or kill him."
"I wouldn't kill him if I were you," said Dr. Audlin coolly,
in that soothing voice of his. "In this country the consequences
of killing a fellow creature are awkward."
"I shouldn't be hanged for it, if that's what you mean. Who
would know that I'd killed him? That dream of mine has shown
me how. I told you, the day after I'd hit him over the head with
a beer bottle he had such a headache that he couldn't see
straight. He said so himself. That shows that he can feel with
his waking body what happens to his body asleep. It's not with
a bottle I shall hit him next time. One night, when I'm dreaming, I shall find myself with a knife in my hand or a revolver in my pocket-1 must because I want to so intensely-and then
I shall seize my opportunity. I'll stick him like a pig; I'll shoot
him like a dog. In the heart. And then I shall be free of this
fiendish persecution."
Some people might have thought that Lord Mountdrago was
mad; after all the years during which Dr. Audlin had been
treating the diseased souls of men he knew how thin a line divides those whom we call sane from those whom we call insane.
He knew how often in men who to all appearance were healthy
and normal, who were seemingly devoid of imagination, and
who fulfilled the duties of common life with credit to them-
Lord Mountdraco • 51
selves and with benefit to their fellows, when you gained their
conDdence, when you tore away the mask they wore to the
world, you found not only hideous abnormality, but kinks so
strange, mental extravagances so fantastic, that in that respect
you could only call them lunatic. If you put them in an asylum
not all the asylums in the world would be large enough. Any:
how, a man was not certifiable because he had strange dreams
and they had shattered his nerve. The case was singular, but it
was only an exaggeration of others that had come under Dr.
Audlin's observation; be was doubtful, however, whether the
methods of treatment that he had so often found efficacious
would here avail.
"Have you consulted any other member of my profession?"
