by Lili Valente
Colette: Well, considering I prefer romance novels and Zack’s a music history buff, I think we’d have a difficult time deciding on book club material.
As for the other…
* * *
Theodora: Oh my God, I knew it! You’re banging like bunnies! I’m so excited for you! You and Zack are going to make the cutest babies in the entire world! *happy dance emoji* Do you think you’re pregnant yet? Are you craving weird foods? Feeling swollen and cranky? Barfing your adorable guts out? Tell me everything!
* * *
Colette: LOL. Stop! You’re going to jinx it. And no, I’m not due to ovulate for another day or two, so I’m sure I’m not pregnant. Yet. But maybe soon. I have all my fingers and toes crossed.
* * *
Theodora: Wow… So you guys are jumping in and going for it hard-core with the fertility tracking and everything, huh? What’s Zack think about that?
* * *
Colette: He’s on board. Very on board, actually.
* * *
Theodora: Wow. That’s…
* * *
Colette: Crazy?
* * *
Theodora: No! It’s wonderful!
* * *
Colette: And a little crazy.
* * *
Theodora: Okay, maybe a little crazy, but in the best way. And you know, love is like that sometimes.
* * *
Colette: Sex is like that, you mean.
* * *
Theodora: Right. Because both you and Zack are the kind of people who can decide to have baby-making sex without any feelings involved. Tell me another one, cupcake. You forget that I’ve known you both forever. You have feelings for him. Admit it!
* * *
Colette: Of course, there are feelings. I like him a lot. So much. But it’s not romantic. We don’t have a future together, Theo. I mean, if we do make a baby, we’re going to raise him or her as co-parents, but that’s it. Our lives aren’t compatible long term.
* * *
Theodora: What the heck are you talking about? Of course they are! You are two lovely, kind, evolved, passionate people. If you two can’t find a way to make things work long-distance, then no one can. I mean, look at my life—Cutter and I are making it work just fine, and we’re much harder to get along with than you or Zack.
* * *
Colette: You and Cutter are both workaholics. When you don’t have each other, you have demanding careers to keep you distracted from how much you’re missing each other. I’m hoping to find a job I’m passionate about, but I’m never going to live for work, Theo. I live for love and, hopefully, someday, a family. You know my relationships have always been the most important things in my life.
* * *
Theodora: I know, but Zack’s like that, too. Seriously. He texts and emails me all the time when he’s on the road, and I’m just his friend. If you were his significant other, I’m sure he’d be calling and video chatting with you all the time. It would be like he was right there in the room with you every night.
* * *
Colette: Except it wouldn’t, and you know it. Do I need to remind you about July?
* * *
Theodora: No. We don’t speak of July.
Or how much “missing my boyfriend” ice cream I ate.
* * *
Colette: But we have to speak of it, sister. I’m done burying my head in the sand and hoping the man in my life will magically become what I need him to be. It didn’t work with Fernando or any of my other boyfriends, and it won’t work with Zack. I have to look for someone who is truly compatible with me from the get-go.
* * *
Theodora: I think Zack is that guy! Really and truly. The more I think about it, the more you two seem made for each other. Talk to him about your concerns. You never know, he might surprise you.
* * *
Colette: No. I can’t, and I won’t. And don’t you dare say anything to him, either. I mean it!
* * *
Theodora: Jeez, okay, I won’t, but I don’t understand why you’re so anti-communication all of a sudden. Zack is the easiest person to talk to in the world.
* * *
Colette: He’s also insanely talented. I’ve only heard a few bars of the songs he’s working on up here, but they’re magical, Theo. He has something so special, a gift he has to share with the world. I would never want to take that away from him. Or everyone else.
* * *
Theodora: So you… You think…
If you tell him how you feel and what you want, you’re afraid he might give it to you? Is that what I’m hearing?
* * *
Colette: Maybe. If there’s even a chance, I can’t risk it. He was put on earth to write soulful music and travel the world, making people think and feel in a way they never have before. And I was put here to make a lovely nest for as many desperately loved kids as the universe will entrust into my care. Both are important and beautiful things to do. But they don’t fit together very well, and trying to force them to fit would only make both of us miserable in the end.
* * *
Theodora: I hear you. And I get it, I do. But it still makes me sad. *crying face emoji* I want love to win. Love should always win.
* * *
Colette: Love will win. It’s just…a different kind of love.
* * *
Theodora: Loving yourself enough to honor what you need to be happy.
* * *
Colette: Yes. And hopefully… if all goes well…loving a little one.
* * *
Theodora: My fingers and toes are crossed, too, but… Even if you guys don’t get pregnant right now, you can still have a baby, Colette. I’ll help any way I can. I can even be your surrogate if you have to go ahead with the hysterectomy this fall and can’t carry the baby yourself.
* * *
Colette: Oh my God, Theo, no! I would never ask you to do that.
* * *
Theodora: I know you wouldn’t ask. That’s why I’m offering. I already talked it over with Cutter, and he’s on board.
* * *
Colette: But you don’t want to have a baby!
* * *
Theodora: I don’t want to have a baby of my own right now, no. I don’t have space in my life to raise an infant. But I do have space to carry a child and can take the time off afterward to recover from childbirth.
Believe me, I know it’s still a huge fucking deal. I’m not making this offer lightly. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and if you need me, I’m ready to move forward whenever you are.
* * *
Colette: I’m crying. Sobbing, actually. What did I do to deserve a friend like you?
* * *
Theodora: Um, be an amazing friend to me? Always? No matter what? And I would do the same for Bridget, so don’t feel too special.
* * *
Colette: Now I’m laughing. And crying. I love you so much. I’m so grateful to have you in my life.
* * *
Theodora: Same and same. So keep that in the back of your mind, okay? There are always options if baby-making with Zack doesn’t work out. Or if it does and… You know.
* * *
Colette: I know. I’ve been thinking about that, too. But my doctor said it was still safe to try as long as I let her know the moment I’m pregnant so they can monitor my progress and make sure the tumors don’t put too much stress on the baby later in the pregnancy.
* * *
Theodora: Good. Because I’d like to keep you around for as long as possible, too, you know? So promise me you’ll have the surgery when you need it, okay? Don’t put it off too long.
* * *
Colette: I won’t. If I’m not pregnant by this Christmas, then I’ll schedule the procedure. I promise.
* * *
Theodora: I’ll hold you to it. So…just asking, no pressure, but would you like me to drive up there and pick you up in a day or two? We could make a girls’ weekend out of it. Go do some wi
ne tasting in Upstate New York before we head back.
* * *
Colette: Thank you, but no. I’ll stay the full two weeks. I’m enjoying spending time with Zack.
* * *
Theodora: Really? Even though you know it’s not going to end well? Aren’t you afraid of getting more attached?
* * *
Colette: Of course I am. But I’m afraid of things all the time. I don’t let that stop me from enjoying the moments when life is beautiful. You can’t have the highs without the lows. Feelings don’t work that way. You have to be open to all of it to truly experience any of it.
* * *
Theodora: Agreed, but as the less earth-mother half of this friendship, I feel compelled to remind you that you can also step out of the crosswalk before you’re hit by a bus.
* * *
Colette: The bus should stop if you’re in a crosswalk.
* * *
Theodora: You know what I mean.
* * *
Colette: I do. And I hear you. But I want to stay. I want the memories, even if they make me melancholy later.
* * *
Theodora: All right, then, my brave, beautiful unicorn. Go frolic and have fun. I’ll be sending good vibes.
* * *
Colette: Appreciated. And sorry again for forgetting to call. I promise I’ll return to being a thoughtful friend very soon.
* * *
Theodora: No worries. Seriously. Cutter and I were in our own little world for most of the night anyway. We’re obnoxious that way.
* * *
Colette: You’re newlyweds. It’s normal. And perfect. Enjoy every second of it, and I’ll talk to you in a few days.
* * *
Theodora: Sounds good. Hang in there, lovely. My fingers will stay double-crossed for you.
Chapter Fifteen
Zack
Two days later
* * *
The chirp of my cell wakes me before dawn. My eyes creak open to see it’s five after six, and I stifle a groan as I reach for the phone and hit the silent button, not wanting to wake Colette if the noise hasn’t already.
I glance over and find her eyes still closed, and then I squint at the screen.
Chip.
At the butt crack of dawn.
This is either really great news or awful news. Either way, I’m likely to be on the phone for longer than a minute or two.
Guiding the covers off my legs, I swing my feet to the floor and pad out the bedroom door and down the hall before hitting “accept call” and lifting the phone to my ear.
“What’s up?” I whisper, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice. Chip is getting behind my solo career in a way no one else was prepared to do. He saw the potential in “that quiet, redheaded bass player,” when most of the managers I approached thought it would be madness for me to leave Lips on Fire.
“Hey, man, did I wake you?” he asks, then pushes on before I can answer. “Sorry to cut into your beauty sleep. I just wanted to be sure I caught you before you headed into the studio again today.”
“Yeah, sure, no worries. What’s up?” I scrub a hand down my face and blink the sleep from my eyes, hoping I’m awake enough to assimilate feedback.
“So, here’s the thing—I’ve been up all night with my team and a couple of people I trust from the industry. We’ve been going over all the new stuff, brainstorming rewrites, riffing on promo ideas, pitches, things we could do to strap this to a narrative and sell the hell out of it.” Chips sounds wired, making me wonder what he’s been using to stay up all night.
Hopefully, he’s just been hitting the coffee hard, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were something else. Sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll is still a thing, though most of us know the dangers of drug abuse in a way they didn’t in the sixties and seventies.
“But no matter how we flip the script or twist the puzzle pieces…” He exhales into the phone, making me pull it away from my ear with a wince. “We just don’t see these songs working for the album. They’re great songs, don’t get me wrong, they’re just not solo career-launching material.”
“Why’s that?” My chest tries to lock up, but I force myself to keep taking long, easy breaths.
This isn’t the time to get angry or defensive; it’s time to listen to Chip’s concerns with a clear head and do whatever it takes to change his mind. Because these songs do belong on the album, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep them in contention for our final meeting with the record company. They’re exactly the kind of music I want to be making right now—emotional, raw, and honest in a way few of the songs I helped write for the band ever were.
“Well, like I said, I’ve been up all night, and I’m pretty fried, so I’ll give it to you straight,” Chip says. “They’re just too girly, man. Too much emotion and not nearly enough edge. We want tough, sexy, edgy music from you, even on the ballads. We need catchy, radio-friendly songs that are going to fit into the Top 40 rotation. You know most stations play six songs over and over again these days. We need to make sure your song is one of them, and that’s not going to happen with music that sounds so different from everything that’s hot right now.”
Pacing down the hall, I frown as I take that in, trying to see his side. I know he wants me to succeed—my success adds to his success, and he’s already invested a lot of time in this project. But no matter how I turn it over in my head, I can’t see how copying what’s “hot” right now is a solid strategy, even if I were capable of churning out formulaic pop on demand.
“But that doesn’t mean the work you’ve done so far is a waste of time,” Chip rushes in, apparently even more incapable of tolerating a thoughtful silence than usual. “I sent the entire package over to Kathy in LA last night, and she’s already texted this morning. She wants to license everything for an angsty, girl-power band they’re launching next spring.”
“The songs are written from a man’s point of view,” I say, frown digging deeper into my forehead. “My point of view.”
“Yeah, but that’s not a big deal,” Chip says breezily. “They’ll just swap out the pronouns and change a few words here and there. Easy breezy. Kathy says your songs are exactly the kind of deep, layered stuff she’s been looking for, and she’ll owe us a big one for sparing her the trouble of listening to anymore shitty demos.” He laughs low in his throat. “Poor thing. I don’t envy her that job. There’s so much shit out there right now. It’s a hard time for good music.”
Which is exactly why I shouldn’t be catering to current Top 40 trends. But first things first. “I’m not selling the songs. That’s not going to happen. They’re mine, and they’re important to me.”
“I know, I know,” Chip says in a soothing tone I don’t find soothing. At all. “I get it. I do. They’re close to your heart right now, but by the time they hit the airwaves in a year, they won’t be. And Kathy assures me the band is going to be launched hard and launched well. These girls are going to be stars, and their music is going to sell like crazy. You’ll be rolling in royalties for years, brother, making bank for music it only took you a few days to write while raking it in for your solo stuff at the same time. If that’s not winning big, I don’t know what is.”
“They didn’t take me a few days to write.” I stop at the window at the end of the hall, watching the sunrise turn the sky pink and yellow, wishing my inner world was as peaceful as the scene outside. But the thought of losing the “Colette songs,” as I can’t help but think of them, makes me physically ill. “Technically, yes, I wrote them in a few days,” I continue, “but that wouldn’t have been possible without a decade of working hard at my craft. And on myself.”
“Right, but—”
“No, Chip.” My hand balls into a fist at my side. “I’m not selling. I’ll take your feedback and do what I can with it, but I’m not letting that music go. It’s mine, and it’s going to stay mine. And next time, ask before you send my work out for a potential licensing deal. I�
��m not opposed to writing for other artists, but some songs are too personal.”
