by Nick James
‘Spill it!’ I said, making the office go quiet. Emily smirked at Mark’s discomfort. ‘Is it just the four of us? If so, we may survive.’ I saw his head dip. ‘Damn.’
Mark looked up. Not only did he have beads of sweat on his lotion-smeared head, yes, he is part woman, but I swore I could see tears building in his eyes. ‘Well, it started off that you were just coming round for dinner, but then…’ He gave an audible groan. ‘They got overexcited, and the fact that you’re a local hero, so Karen had some ideas, and Bunny agreed.’
I noticed that he had pushed his chair away from the desk and angled his body towards the office door. ‘Okay, my friend, when did all this get discussed and finalised?’
Mark chewed his lip. ‘Last few weeks. And finalised? Errrrr…ten minutes ago,’ he muttered, looking ready to run.
I looked at Emily whose body was now shaking with repressed laughter. I closed my eyes. ‘Okay, it wouldn’t be the same crowd as the last BBQ?’ I asked, remembering getting stabbed with a skewer and seeing Bunny hitting a woman with a leg of Moroccan lamb.
‘Some of them. Others still have injunctions against you and Bunny, so we didn’t invite them,’ Mark admitted.
I’d forgotten about the injunctions. Bunny was livid when she heard. And it was only the involvement of her company’s lawyers that stopped us getting sued after she headbutted a model. My darling girlfriend declared it was an accident, but that defence was ruled out when evidence came to light that she had used a chair to launch herself at the six-foot model.
My chair creaked as I leaned back. ‘Okay, is that all?’
‘It’s fancy dress, vicar and tarts,’ Mark muttered.
That did pique my interest. All of Karen’s workmates dressed as tarts – it had the potential to be a major perv fest. Thank God for camera phones. ‘Well, doesn’t sound too bad, I guess. Shall invite my cop friends? Better safe than sorry,’ I added.
‘Think Bunny already did. Can your mum come? I’d like to meet her finally,’ my workmate asked, making me shoot him a look.
‘What? You want to see my mum dressed as a tart, mate?’ I said coldly while squinting in my best Clint Eastwood impression.
Mark shook his head so quickly I could’ve sworn that I heard a filling come loose and rebound against teeth. ‘No, oh God no. I didn’t mean that,’ he said rapidly.
I do like to mess with Mark. Although he does seem a lot more on edge since the shooting – don’t know why, as he was safely up here. ‘It’s okay, buddy. Mum phoned Bunny to tell her she’s become a wet nurse for a young Saudi prince,’ I said, and once again the room stilled. ‘Or, she’s on holiday in Tenerife, I don’t remember.’ I went back to work and started to sign Mark up for a medical research project on colonoscopies.
Mark was on edge for the rest of the day, which made my day fun. Especially as the rest of the team joined in taunting him when we stopped off at The Slop Bucket and were served by the pierced ale-bringing woman. One day we will have to ask her name and not just call her Metal Nips.
The tube lacked its usual noise but was still busy. Which allowed me to listen to the tunes of Sir Elton John, not normally my thing but I was too lazy to fast forward. Mental note: don’t allow Mark to put a playlist on my iPod again.
As I entered our lovely flat, there stood my lotus flower. ‘Hey, Bunny, had a good day?’ I purred in my ‘get your kit off’ tones as I embraced her lithe form.
She smiled a bright smile. Not the ‘I’m going to hurt you’ one. Or the ‘you’ve forgotten something that I asked you to do, so I’m going to smile at you like a psycho till you remember’. This was one of joy and happiness… Is she having an affair?
Her eyes were bright. ‘Well, my love, we have a party to go to next weekend, and we get to dress up.’ She giggled knowing I loved it when she dressed up; although, I didn’t like an audience.
‘Really, a posh do, is it? Or is it fancy dress?’ I played along happily and tried to keep my evil thoughts in my head…for once.
The shapely Bunny skipped away to the kitchen to make her man a cup of tea. ‘Themed, baby – your favourite,’ she stated and boiled the kettle, which she could’ve done earlier, but who am I to judge her laziness and lack of forethought. Shut up, Sam.
‘Harry Potter? Bagsy I’m a Death Eater,’ I teased, and then thought about convincing her to wear a blonde wig and do her French accent again. What a night that was, I thought with a pleasurable shudder.
‘No, dickhead!’ she snapped, shattering the image. ‘It’s a vicars and tarts party.’
Even though I knew this I tried to articulate, without getting hot water thrown at me, you would look good as a tart, but every connotation I came up with ended in my pain. ‘Have you got any tart clothes?’ Good one, Sam.
Once again, the room stilled as quiet as the Antarctic on a Friday night. Bunny turned and narrowed her eyes. ‘And why would I be the tart…my love?’
That tone turned my blood to ice. Luckily, I can think on my feet. SHUT UP! ‘Well, tarts are women; and, well, vicars are generally men,’ I said. Good job, again.
I saw my tea being poured down the sink.
‘Obviously it’s not what I think, but I’m not going to wear a dress,’ I said and watched Bunny walk past slowly, never once leaving eye contact with me. She even turned around and walked backwards into the bedroom before slamming the door.
This does sound like a joke, but a week later two vicars went to a party.
Karen and Mark met us at the door. As the girls walked off, Mark stopped me. ‘Did you bring your phone? This party is awesome.’ Then there were some crude hand gestures that I would never condone, as I am a grown-up, sir.
‘No, Bunny said I had to leave it at home,’ I admitted, and then saw Mark check over his shoulder and mouth, why? ‘She said I looked way too excited to be trusted – she has her phone.’
Mark rolled his eyes and showed me his phone. ‘I got ya back, buddy,’ and headed off into the crime scene, I mean garden – talk about flashback. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a model suffering with a possible eating condition getting knocked on her arse with a leg of lamb. But luckily, that person wasn’t there.
Things were going well. Bunny, my little fire starter, was getting along fine. I saw Bethany and Stoney chatting to Kate. Stoney just shot me a barbed look, but Beth came over looking like a high-quality tart. Bless her.
‘Hey, Beth, what’s with Stoney?’ I asked as we embraced with our usual affection.
‘Let’s just say she didn’t appreciate the costumes you suggested,’ Beth said, making me frown.
‘I don’t know why; I thought she was proud of being a police officer.’ I waved at Stoney, who waved her finger back.
Beth rolled her eyes and looked at her work colleague who was wearing an old serving wench’s costume, whereas hers was just a tube dress that showed the world way too many things for her liking. But it was a party. ‘We are, Sam, but sexy police outfits isn’t our thing.’
I shrugged. ‘What can I say? I just tried to help,’ I offered before taking a beer from Mark.
We then talked about our relevant works, even probed about any new information about my shooting, but nothing. We were all getting on to a point, and then Stoney came over and joined in along with Bunny.
What surprised us all was that there were no fights or arguments at all. We were breaking virgin ground, people. I will admit to having eye strain after the party. It went downhill when Emily and Hicks from work turned up. She had truly embraced her inner tart – so much flesh on show, yet no peanuts anywhere.
It wasn’t until Monday morning that we found out about some fallout from the party. The phone rang, and Bunny picked it up.
‘Hey, Beth, what’s up?’ she asked. ‘Well, I’m trying to get the man-child to work on time… Okay.’ Bunny looked up at me. ‘The girls want me to put it on speakerphone. What have you done?’
I shrugged. ‘Nothing that I know of, love – promise.’ I heard the girl
s laughing. ‘Hey, coppers, what’s going on?’
There were more giggles from Bunny’s phone, which made us both frown. ‘We’ve just heard of a complaint made over the weekend,’ Stoney said before dissolving into laughter.
Bunny and I just looked vacant.
Beth took up the story. ‘Errrrr, some old dear phoned in a complaint to the police and the local church about a pair of vicars, walking down the street drunk, before having sex against the wall of the local Tesco’s.’ She then decayed into sobs of laughter.
Bunny slumped forward and banged her head off the table.
I just grinned. ‘BUSTED!’ I chuckled.
Chapter 16
Michael McAllister
Things had been strange since Mai’s leaving; my Chinese handlers were asking all the time if she had been in contact. And now they were asking if my friend Tony had been in contact. Well, yes, he’s staying in the work’s flat that was in the same block as the Blades. We used it for some clean adult fun, cough cough, but I wasn’t going to tell them that.
It had been a tough week for my friend. His girlfriend, Suzie Q, had gone missing, and some large gentlemen with anger issues were searching all our well-known haunts for her.
And rumours were filtering from the casino that they were cleaning the house; all hired help were either going missing or fired and new guys being flown in. Luckily, Tony had plenty of holiday saved up and cash, so he was living the life of a hermit who was partial to women of negotiable affections, coke and whisky.
As I was alone again, I spent most of my night with him, in separate beds. We did amuse ourselves when the Blades had a huge row about dressing up as tarts.
I was back in work finally, and was checking all my files as usual, and muttered, ‘Bloody security,’ as once again I noticed that someone had been through my files. ‘Have to look harder than that, dickhead,’ and then shot a quick look at my wireless portable hard drive hidden in the bookcase behind me. My handlers had created a lovely computer Programme, which that showed any dream transfer from works files to my wireless hard drive, so that looked like I had used it to charge my phone and download music onto my PC. So, security can and have checked my phone. It’s clean as a whistle, apart from those videos that Tony used to send me.
There was a knock at my door. It was my new boss. ‘Ah, Mr Doo,’ I said, standing up, so he knew to come in. ‘How are you settling in?’ I asked as he sat down opposite me. I quickly turned off my toy.
‘Mike, please call me Danny,’ he said while checking out my view, which was actually just like his but lower down and without a rotting squirrel. I always wondered how it had got up here.
I smiled at him. ‘Okay, Danny, what can I do for you on this fine day?’ Or what I meant was another soul-destroying day with too much work, and no chemical or alcohol assistance to soothe my tortured mind.
He gave me a grim smile. ‘I know this is a touchy subject,’ Danny said.
Gulp.
‘I’m just going through some of Kettering’s files. It says you went to the Limping Dragon casino?’
I nodded. ‘Yes, my life went a bit wrong. I lost my wife. Same old story,’ I added, and thought about the bottle I had in my drawer that screamed consume me. It was a better class of whisky compared to Tesco’s ‘DRINK ME’ whisky. ‘But I don’t go there anymore.’ Yes, I lie and lie again.
The man with Thai origin nodded. ‘The rumour is you have a Chinese girlfriend, who has links to the casino?’
Twat… ‘Like visiting the establishment. I had a girlfriend, but she went back to China,’ I answered. What I left out was that she is a killer who had accidentally shot me and a colleague of mine, but he doesn’t need to know that. Oh, and she is a he, but we are saving up for that.
He just slowly nodded. ‘Okay, that sounds plausible enough. I have heard good things about you and your teams,’ Danny said in a monotone way. ‘But the hiring of Mr Blades is somewhat suspicious, including the whole debacle that seems to surround him and his girlfriend.’ He flicked through a pad he had slipped out of his suit jacket. ‘A one Bunny Li, who has ties to Hong Kong and China,’ he added, looking up with a quizzical expression, which for me lasted too long.
‘Yes, but he’s a good worker, and nothing has been proven about his girlfriend,’ I stated. I was really starting to get pissed off with people going after my now untouchable patsy, even though I didn’t need him anymore, but he did a fine job when he did. ‘I believe Mr Madison and Jones have told us to leave him be.’
The new man of external security smiled a false smile. ‘Indeed, I am merely checking a few facts from his files. But you are right, he is untouchable…for now,’ Danny Doo said calmly before scribbling in his notepad. He then left without a word.
I watched him walk away and knew he was going to be trouble. I wish Mai was here, even Suzie Q knew enough dodgy people to get the inside track.
Finally, it was six o’clock and all my normal minions had departed. After looking around, I put my hard drive into my briefcase. I may need to go back to a thumb drive again while Danny the Doo is sniffing around.
I popped into the security office downstairs and asked if they had seen any Chinese-looking killers about; it’s good to seem a bit paranoid after the shooting. Although they hadn’t proved it was Mai, the rumour was the top-top boss had links, and they were pissed off with him.
I headed out to the tube and made my way back to the flat to meet up with Tony. I purposely got off two stops further on and went back again to dodge being tailed. Just call me James motherfucking Bond, baby… Well, until I fell up the escalator tearing my trousers. #TWAT – yep, I’m down with the kids.
The rest of my limping journey was okay, and I never met the Blades in the apartment block. As I opened the door to the flat, it was the smell that hit me first. ‘Crack a window, bloody arse of death!’ I shouted, and then I saw him watching TV in just his boxers. It wasn’t the best sight I’d ever seen. ‘And get dressed, you slob.’
Tiger turned to look at me. ‘Oi, I’m in hiding, Peanut,’ Tony shot back, ‘so don’t be a prick.’
‘Mate, trust me, you’re not hiding all that much,’ I admitted and tried to shield my eyes from the amount of flesh on view. ‘Even the space station has changed orbit so it doesn’t have to see your fat arse.’
He placed his hand over his over large heart. ‘Dude, you wound me, sir. I will concede that my beauty is not to everybody’s taste, but I shall adorn myself in your mortal-like covering,’ Tiger said in his poshest voice. He then screamed as I kicked him in the shin.
I chuckled as the fat sod limped away; he always did make me laugh. And not just me. He could kill someone, yet the family would send him a friend request. Finally, he came back holding several takeout menus. ‘Pick a menu, Peanut, my treat,’ he said happily.
‘Is there a vegetarian restaurant there?’ I could swear I heard his heart shatter into a million engorged pieces.
Tears formed in his bloodshot eyes. ‘Dude, really?’ He pushed out his bottom lip like a toddler.
‘Oh, don’t cry, mate, dealer’s choice,’ I said and saw him do the truffle shuffle. (God damn you, Blades, and your film-a-day email.) I then watched him drop them all before picking up his favourite. It was the Chinese he and Suzie Q always had, which made me smile. He was a drunken whoremonger, but he did love that woman. I felt for him…until now.
PHWWWWWARRRRAPPPPPPPPPP!
‘You foul-arsed bastard!’ I spat as I ran over to open the window, hearing him chuckling in the background.
‘Breathe it in, buddy. There’s vitamins in the air, Peanut,’ he barked and laughed himself silly as he phoned the ‘waving cat’ takeaway. It took a few minutes for him to order, and then he waltzed back with a bottle of scotch and two glasses. ‘Have you heard from Mai recently?’
I took the proffered drink and knocked it back in one. Thank you, God of all malt whiskys. I watched the upsettingly empty glass being refilled. ‘Just a brief one about her parent
s, and that they would all pay,’ I said sadly and knocked the next one back.
Tiger nodded. ‘I pity them, but not too much,’ he said and joined me downing our drinks. His look turned steely. ‘But I’ll get those fuckers for killing Suzie, you see if I don’t,’ he added, sporting a feral grin.
I leaned forward and clinked our glasses together. ‘Here’s to Suzie and Mai.’ We toasted and sat in silence and watched the London skyline over the balcony. ‘Do you know who did it yet?’
Tony nodded slowly. ‘A few of the girls from the Dragon have given me some names. It has to be them, as the usual muscle have disappeared, these are straight off the plane,’ he said coldly, locking eyes with me. ‘I’ll pay them a visit soon.’
‘Don’t do anything stupid, mate. You’re a copper.’
A big grin appeared on his face. ‘Exactly, so I know how not to get caught,’ he said. Once again there was silence. The only noise was his laboured breathing and the whisky hitting the glass.
Then the doorbell went. Like a giggly teen, the big man ran to the door shouting, ‘Yay, food!’
I watched my best mate and realised I was worried for him. Losing Suzie Q might just push him over the edge. Deep down he loved that woman, and that had changed him into a caring human being.
I watched him close the door and turn around with the bag of food, beaming. ‘Oi, Peanut, want a lick of my pork balls,’ he said with a guffaw while grabbing his crotch and jiggling his baby-makers before waddling off into the kitchen.
I rolled my eyes. I don’t think I know anything anymore. Tiger is plainly still a dick!
Chapter 17
Freddie Loo
Finally, I got to relax. It had been a tough time getting the new boys from the home country up to speed. The work was quite easy: punch him, kill him, take this parcel here – oh, and don’t get caught or fuck up. My job was nearly done. Anybody involved with the Shimmering Dreams hit was to disappear, even if they just carried a bag, they were to get hit. All except the boss.
