by Nick James
He turned to them and nodded. ‘Sam and I played being a target earlier this year,’ Mike said and pulled out his phone. ‘Any chance of a selfie? Work will love it,’ he added, with mischief playing across his face.
If only it was one picture. Oh no, there were several forced pictures, including Mike smiling over my shoulder as the police looked scary and mean. Best one for me was both the girls kissing me on the cheeks. Worst was Mike and I handcuffed and lying on the ground with Sharon’s boot on my arse, pushing me into the floor, for her own perverse pleasure. It was like a reel montage from an Eighties film deal. Who knew Sharon was playful? But I was thankful for small mercies: and for the new flat, as that the lift had music and the lack of piss on the floor.
Who knows how many people passed us as they flaunted their authority, but I finally made it home.
Bunny opened the door with a crooked smile. ‘What did you do?’
‘You wound me, Bun, I am innocent of all things,’ I said and thought a bit while gazing into the air theatrically. ‘Of most things, anyway,’ I added before having the cuffs taken off and being pushed into the flat. ‘Stoney is a bit pissed off,’ I explained and gave my darling a kiss on the cheek before going to put the kettle on.
The girls all hugged and followed me in and settled at the dining table as I did my typical outnumbered man duty and made tea for them all.
‘Nope, not pissed off anymore,’ Stoney admitted. ‘Chasing your lover boy and taking him down was surprisingly therapeutic,’ which made them all giggle like schoolgirls.
I looked at the only other possible male in the room for help, but got nothing. ‘Fuck you, Fred.’ Bunny had decided that the clownfish was a male after she found out they had a very short memory – as she put it, ‘like a typical male’. So cutting.
I sat with them as they gossiped about all things female while my mind just wandered into different male fantasies about who we were going to end up in bed with, and then declaring me ‘Sam, the God of Sex’, obviously. All hail Sam!!
They brought me out of my musings when Stoney took off her tactical vest and got on her hands and knees to look at my DVDs for her to borrow. That didn’t help my situation at all, but I managed to drag my eyes away from her swaying, firm…errrrmm…yes, well…
I looked on the table and saw that her taser was within touching distance. My fingers gently caressed the hand grip of the bringer of pain and obedience. But I couldn’t help it, my eyes were moving from Mr Taser to the swaying bottom of WPC Sharon Andrews.
Still now I can feel the roughness of the moulded plastic on the grip. What I didn’t know was that I had an audience. Bunny and Beth told me later that they were just smiling at me, watching the inner turmoil wracking my mind, and face.
Beth admitted she would have stopped me if I’d tried. But in the end, I chose the path of the righteous, and the less painful. Especially as Bunny may still scoop my eyes out with a melon baller for staring at Sharon’s arse for a full five minutes straight while stroking a taser. But I did argue that it could have been a lot worse, if I was stoking something else, but it landed on deaf ears.
In the end, the cops left happily with armfuls of my much-loved films. Bitches. But I was partially forgiven for handing over all the information I had procured from my place of employment. Or, as normal people say, I stole memory porn of a tall, ginger bloke rogering his nanny. And there was other stuff, too, but who cares about that anyway. And with those thoughts rattling through my head, I watched as Bunny scanned the info on her laptop.
‘Sammy, you are a god,’ she announced.
I smiled; I’d nailed it.
Chapter 21
Tony (Tiger) Thompson
‘I don’t fucking care, he’s a dead man!’ I spat angrily while pacing around the flat. Peanut was just looking at some photos on his phone that he had taken of his workmate downstairs.
He looked at me with sad eyes. ‘I know what he did, mate, but you’re not a killer,’ Mike said quietly, not wanting the world to know what I was planning. ‘I miss Suzie, too, but you’re a copper. Yes, you’ve broken some rules, but never murder.’
I stormed out of the lounge and into my bedroom. I put on dark jeans, a black leather jacket and slipped on some boots. Good enough to give a certain somebody a right good kicking. I locked eyes with my long-time friend. ‘This isn’t murder, mate, he’s an animal; I’m putting him down.’ Without another word, I walked out of the flat. Within a few angry minutes I was out on the street.
The foot traffic was busy, but being brought up on these streets I knew that I would be difficult to track.
As I entered the tube station to head back to my old stomping ground, I checked to see if I was being followed by looking into reflected surfaces. There was a little booth for sunglasses, so I tried on a pair and checked behind me in the little mirror. I texted my friend, who, according to her, I still owe a pair of shoes.
Adrianna, is the date still on for tonight?
Yes, dinner, then back to his. I’ve strung him along as much as I could, but he wants to leave the UK, soon.
Thank you, I appreciate what you’re doing for me. I have 2k for you after job is done. Tiger xx.
Wonderful, I’ll let you ruin another pair. Luv, Adrianna xx.
I knew the hotel the gobshite was staying at. It wasn’t too far from the Limping Dragon casino. It was an old building that looked like it had seen better days and two world wars. It had CCTV cameras front and back, but that was it, as they tended to rent some of their cheaper rooms by the hour for the ladies on the street, helping to continue one of the oldest professions in the world.
Once I arrived at Barking station, the sun was starting to go down, turning the world into darkness. And this night I would cause it to go darker. I jumped in a taxi and headed to the Upney Lane allotments where an uncle, of which I have many, but none that share my blood, kept a patch of ground along with a shed, which for a score a month (£20) he kindly allowed me to store certain frowned upon items, which as a law enforcement professional (don’t laugh) I shouldn’t have.
My toys were still there. I donned some rubber gloves and started to wipe them all down with bleach, removing all prints and DNA from both my uncle and I. I couldn’t have this coming back to me or my family. I slipped them into a carrier bag, then into my rucksack, which had some more rubber gloves and other sundries, just in case.
Once again, I was in a taxi heading back to the target location. As I’m known to the working girls professionally and otherwise, they had arranged for the cameras at the hotel to go on the fritz for the night. All I had to do was hand £100 to the reception worker who would hand me a key for a room on the same floor as the animal.
I paid the driver double to forget me and to wipe the camera footage of our journey. Being a local really helps, as I either know them or their families; in the end, we all help each other out.
The girls were already on the streets. I saw one I had worked with before, cough cough. I walked up to her, a tall, leggy blonde with a chest that you could bounce a fifty-pence piece off. A cheap boob job, but if you don’t mind them, it’s a winner.
She smiled a gapped-tooth grin at me: two years ago her pimp attacked her with a hammer. I was called along with my partner – the late, great Three Chins – to save her, off the books of course. Let’s just say that I took her to the hospital and Three Chins made sure the pimp could only communicate by flicking his eyelids.
‘Hello, Tiger, you’re looking well. Wanna quick tug down the alley?’ Hannah the Hose asked me. Trust me, I don’t know where these names come from – well, I know how she got hers, but that’s for me to know and you to guess.
We embraced and I gave her a kiss on her cheek. ‘Not right now, love. How are you?’ I asked as she kept up the hug, which did bring strange looks from the new girls and johns alike.
‘I’m good thanks. I’m on methadone now and my bloods are clean. Looking to do some Web work, saves freezing my tits off in the winter,
’ she said with a cackle as she moved her arm around my neck and pecked me on the cheek. ‘Sorry to hear about Chins. He was a kind man.’ That would make the fat bastard laugh himself to death in hell itself at those comments. ‘What do you want then, hon? Mamma need to work?’
I gave her a smile. ‘No questions, and a possible alibi?’ I asked.
‘How long?’ Her eyes roamed around making sure no one was close enough to listen.
‘All night, hon. A comfy bed and a nice hot shower,’ I explained, seeing her mind working. ‘And a bucket of chicken, to keep you entertained,’ I added, knowing she was a sucker for KFC, no pun intended.
‘I’ll marry you just for the chicken. How much?’ she asked and linked arms with me as we made our way to the front of the hotel.
Although I knew she would’ve done it just for the chicken, and our friendship, I slipped her £500, which made sure she was mine for the night, in many different ways if she was willing. I am only human after all, despite whatever Peanut told me.
We walked into the hotel and saw a silver-haired man in his sixties. By the look of his teeth and skin, he had smoked every day of his life.
Hannah leaned forward, resting her firm globes on the desk. ‘Hey, Davey, can we have a room for the night?’ she stated and nudged me. ‘He likes to work me hard,’ and gave a cackle.
I pushed over the money.
He nodded and pushed a key back. ‘All done as asked, Tiger. Your room is number forty-six,’ he said gruffly while putting the money straight into his faded jeans pocket.
I nodded. ‘Cheers, Dave. Any chance you could pick up Han a bucket of chicken, and get yourself something, too?’ I said and threw another £40 on the stained wooden desk. And yes, being a dodgy copper pays well, as long as you don’t get caught.
His nicotine-stained teeth had their second outing for the day. ‘Cheers, Tiger, always said you were a good boy. I’ll give you a bell when it’s here.’ He picked up the once white telephone to get a helper to pick up the food.
We took the lift to the fourth floor. Even the walls looked like Dave’s teeth, but at least I could play with Hanna’s arse as we walked. Nice of her to wear a yellow mini dress and white heels – pure class.
On the way to our room I saw the target room, right by the fire exit, perfect for a getaway. Not this time, fucker.
Hannah ran in and kicked off her heels, followed by the dress and red underwear. ‘Just taking a shower,’ she said, giggling like a schoolgirl.
I laughed, put my bag down and settled in listening to the water running.
‘Wanna wash my back for me…or my front?’ Again, a cackle.
I looked to the dirty ceiling and prayed, but received no answer. ‘Fine,’ I mumbled and stripped off and joined Hannah for some soapy fun. She was a good, careful girl, tested regular. And only ever smoked the brown, never needles; she hated needles.
I did feel for Dave when he brought up the food instead of phoning. He saw me with a smile in just a towel, and the true blonde drying her hair and leaving everything else to air naturally, which must be permanently imprinted in his mind. Although I was here for vengeance, a hot twenty-something and a bucket of chicken was a hell of a cover.
So, Hannah and I sat around naked eating deep-fried chicken. She did allow me to claim any bits that dropped onto her body. After a while she was doing it just for fun – hers and mine. Then my phone beeped: Ten minutes, Adrianna xxx.
I gave Hannah a greasy kiss, making her giggle. I put on a new pair of workmen overalls and pulled on my boots. ‘Dare I ask, Tiger? You know I won’t tell.’
I let out a sad sigh. ‘I know my Suzie was murdered, and the fucker who did it is staying here.’
I saw her gasp holding her mouth with one hand and a drumstick in the other. She sat there silent for a minute, then carried on eating. ‘Fuck him up, Tony. I got your back,’ Hannah said and went back to watching EastEnders.
I do love these girls. ‘And I got yours, and your front.’ I winked at her, making her giggle and thrust out her balloon-like breasts before licking a bit of mayo off one of them. ‘Jesus,’ I moaned and shook my head to focus. I put on some new rubber gloves and headed out.
The good thing about Davey’s key was that it was a master which opened everything. I checked the target’s door frame for anything that would indicate he had been visited. It was clean. I opened the door and pushed it inwards, once again checking to see if anything fell like a matchstick or a card – real James Bond-type shit – but he must have been comfortable in his surroundings or careless as there was nothing.
The room was shit just like mine, but that was good because it wasn’t going to get any better. From the door, the bathroom was to the right, and then it opened out into the room, so I could hide just past the bathroom where it opened up, then he wouldn’t see me until it was too late, hopefully.
I put down my bag and waited with my lead sap in hand – another thing a copper isn’t allowed to have. Well, sod that, a little tap with a lead-filled piece of leather did wonders. The plan was to let him come in first, then Adrianna would turn him around to kiss him and walk him backwards into the room. What could go wrong?
I settled down and waited for them to return to the room and to see how my well-thought-out plans would come to fruition.
Five minutes later: ‘Well, fuck.’ I stood there with two prone bodies at my feet. I rolled the shapely and soft-handed barmaid off the target, one Freddie Loo. I manhandled him onto a chair and cable tied his arms and legs to said chair. I then shoved a well-used ball gag that I had found somewhere in my bag. Must be Peanut’s, I mused.
Then I picked up Adrianna and plopped her on the bed. Of course, being a gentleman, I had to make sure she was okay, and if she was wearing knickers… Nope…nice… Too many thoughts ran through my head. Focus always had been my problem, amongst other things of course.
I put some smelling salts under her nose, making her jump and look around. ‘Wha…? Wha’ happened?’ she stuttered, the clarity then hit her like I had just done. ‘You fucker, why you hit me?’ Spittle flying as she asked the very good question.
I tried to explain that the plan had worked perfectly: He was backing up as she kissed him, until he tripped, pulling her with him. But I was in mid swing, and she received a glancing blow. And that’s when he saw me. Then he received the lead sap between the eyes. Goodnight, prick.
The Russian barmaid jumped to her feet swearing, took her money, then – I should’ve seen this coming – she headbutted me to the floor before storming out.
This wasn’t my first rodeo. I have had many an angry woman, girl and granny pissed off with me. It’s a talent.
The killer started to groan. In his jacket I found a handgun with a suppressor. That was perfect; it saved me using mine.
I pulled out a chair opposite and waited for him to regain consciousness. When he did, he was pissed off, rocking back and forth, spit and dribble falling down his shirt. At one point a huge snot bubble appeared – now that did make me laugh.
I held up my hands. ‘Calm down, Slim.’ I waited five minutes and tried again, to which he did. ‘I guess you know of me?’ I asked.
He nodded, but with anger in his eyes.
‘And I know what you did to Suzie.’
He shrugged, but his eyes were bright and mocking.
‘I only want to know two things: was it quick and who ordered you to do it?’ Although, I was doubtful that he would say anything. Just to show I was serious, I showed him his gun in one hand and my claw hammer in the other.
His eyes never left the hammer.
‘I’m going to take the gag off. Now, make a noise and I will knock you out, then proceed to sodomise you with the hammer, and I don’t mean the handle.’ I gave him my creepiest smile; I do have a vast range, after all.
Freddie Loo sat there. The look on his face was one of pure fury. ‘You are so dead, fat man!’ he spat at me.
Well, I’ve never been told that before.
/> ‘And no, it wasn’t quick, we raped her for hours, then set her to burn. She died cursing us, and you…’ A smirk appeared on his face in victory as I let out a sob. I couldn’t help it. But the smirk disappeared along with three teeth thanks to my hammer.
‘Who ordered the hit…? Prick!’
The Chinese man spat blood over me and said something that Suzie had called me many times in anger and during love making. She was a complicated, dirty girl, and that made me smile as I slid off his expensive-looking shoes, which happened to be in Peanut’s size, so those buggers were put in my bag.
His socks came off next. I then placed a wooden shelf from the bookshelf in the far corner under his manicured toes. I then replaced the ball gag, although the little blighter put up a fight. Maybe he didn’t like what was on the TV or it was too loud, but it was either that or the other guest would get upset hearing the screams. Unknown to him, there was only us and a busty, chicken-eating prostitute on this floor. Upstairs was just the roof, and downstairs was the pay by the hour, so they were used to screams and shouts. But, I’m a caring, people person.
I showed him the hammer. ‘Have you seen a film called Payback with Mel Gibson and Lucy Liu, it was out in 1999?’ I asked.
He shook his head, but looking at him he was way too young. Way too yung! I do crack myself up, I thought with a giggle.
‘Okay, never mind. You have ten toes, and ten chances to tell me. Okay…who ordered the hit?’ With one shake of his head I was covered in blood, so sandals wouldn’t be a good look for him anymore.
It took until toe number six when he told me China.
‘Local boss? Who…? Where…?’ I demanded. If he didn’t answer, he could say goodbye to the rest of his toes, if you could call them toes.
Just then there was a knock on the door. I pulled out the gun and went over and peered through the peephole. There stood the half-naked Hannah. I opened it and said, ‘Yes, love, I’m a bit busy.’
