by Talbot Mundy
Andrew laughed dryly: “Mu-ni Gam-po is wiser than I am! Go ahead. Tell me about the afflicted Venus. Crucify her!”
“I’ve done it, Andrew, but I didn’t think it was that at the time. Tom married me secretly in England, in a spirit of scrupulous fair play. I was so in love with the idea of not being a grub any longer — of getting away from England and all that smug mediocrity, and credulous skepticism, and stupid, stuffy pretense of being something that you’re not — I was so excited by the thought of traveling in India and being really useful — that I would have done whatever Tom asked me to do. It was his idea, our getting married.”
Andrew grinned — glanced at her.
“It was Tom’s idea! I never dreamed of it until he suggested it. He had a double motive.”
“Yes. Tom’s ambidextrous. He lets his left hand know what his right hand’s doing. But lets nobody else know.”
“Tom wanted to protect me, in case anything should happen to him. He also wanted me to have the right to open his strongbox in the bank vault. Those were his motives.”
“Let’s leave that lay. Tom and you got married secretly. And you weren’t in love with each other. Then what?”
“I fell in love with Tom. This is the part that isn’t easy to tell.”
“Remember! I haven’t asked you to tell it.”
“No, Andrew. But I must tell someone. Mu-ni Gam-po won’t listen.
“I guess he knows it without being told. He’s wise. The more he knows, the less he says. But why not try Nancy Strong at the Mission School? Nancy is a hard-bitten old soldier with a heart like Mary Magdalene’s and the guts of a grenadier. She’d even have a good cry with you, if that’s how you feel. Then she’d tell you something worse out of her own experience, and you’d have a good laugh and feel better.”
“She’s a woman, Andrew. No woman could understand. She’d only see my side of it; and I can see that too well already. I want you to listen because you’ll see Tom’s side of it.”
“Didn’t Tom see his side of it?”
“Of course he did. But, Andrew, did you ever try to get Tom to complain, or to blame anyone else for what happened to him, or to cry over spilt milk, or to lock a door after the horse has bolted — or to do any of those wishy-washy things that ordinary people do? Tom is—”
“You’re right there. Tom isn’t ordinary. He’s ornery, if you know what that means. Nancy Strong should have married him.”
That changed Elsa’s mood for a moment. She couldn’t help laughing. Nancy Strong was old enough to be Tom Grayne’s mother. Not even Tom Grayne would have a chance against her in a tussle of wills. Even Government fears Nancy.
“It will come easier now you’re laughing,” said Andrew. “Tell the funny part first. Go ahead.”
“It’s no joke, Andrew. It’s all disillusionment and anticlimax. Even being kidnapped and carried off, and being cold and hungry in the mountains and in danger of being killed — and not knowing what had happened to Tom, but just hoping he would turn up — and then seeing him suddenly — and all the fighting at the Thunder Dragon Gate — every least tiny bit of it was wonderful and clean and good. It was life. It felt like being blown on a big wind, and something new every minute. After Tom had helped Lobsang Pun to seize control of the monastery, it was even fun when that old despot turned us out to go and shift for ourselves. Lobsang Pun washed his hands of us. And Tom took the trail of the Japanese secret agents, taking me with him because there was nothing else he could do about it. Those were hard times, but they were utterly wonderful. We crossed the border of Sinkiang; and we were in touch with the exiled Tashi Lama twice before they poisoned him.”
“They’ll poison Tom one of these days,” said Andrew. “He’ll find out just one thing too many. Then he’ll begin to wonder what disagreed with him.”
“I did all the cooking,” said Elsa.
“That’s nothing. They poison the meat before it’s killed. If you don’t eat meat, they poison the salt and tea and sugar. They put poison in the dust that blows into your cup. Tibetans are real nice people, but they don’t like you to know more than’s good for their peace of mind. That’s what Tibetans are after — peace of mind.”
“I wish I had some! Andrew, listen to me. I betrayed Tom. Not he me. I betrayed him.”
“Tell it if you must. But don’t say I asked for it. I’ll believe it or not, as I see fit.”
“Ours was an absolutely hard and fast agreement. We hadn’t pretended to be in love with each other. I was to be Tom’s assistant, and to obey orders. Tom made the stipulation, and I agreed to it instantly, that there was to be no love-making and no man and wife stuff. Ours was simply a temporary arrangement for business purposes. Either of us was to be free to divorce the other as soon as there was no longer any reason for being married.”
Andrew put all the malice he could into a slowly broadening grin. “I’ve heard of lots of folks,” he said, “who believed they were stronger than sex. I’ve even fallen for that presumption once or twice myself. You’re not the first — not by a long way. It’s disillusioning, but human. I’ve never spoken to Tom about women. And of course everybody knows he’s an iron-willed man. But I’d have betted all I’ve got. I’d have laid odds.”
“Laid what odds?”
“Tom Grayne and you — or any other eligible woman—”
“What do you mean by eligible woman?”
“I mean any woman worth going overboard for. Tom and she, alone together, week after week, month after month, sharing the same tough time, growing more and more into each other’s confidence — hell, I don’t care what the previous agreement might be. She’d fall for Tom. She’d have to.”
“Well, Andrew, you’re wrong. Tom fell for me. I did it — five nights after we camped in that cave where you found us.”
“That means a couple of months before I got there.”
“Yes. You stopped it.”
“Me? What had I to do with it? It was none of my business.”
“No. But your arrival brought Tom to his senses. And me, too. Me especially. What I want you to understand is—”
“Sure, you’ve said that. I’m not mentally deaf.”
“Before you came, Tom was depressed by a sense of failure. Everything seemed to have gone wrong. Our Tibetans were behaving badly. Some deserted. Others brought in false reports and were getting insolent. Tom and I weren’t hitting it off the way we had done, because my clairvoyance wasn’t as clear as usual. It was all about Europe instead of Tibet. What I did see about Tibet, Tom didn’t believe. When spies came in and talked to him I couldn’t get any clear picture of what they were thinking about. That made Tom irritable. It seemed to me we were drifting apart, and that Tom was sorry he had brought me with him. I made up my mind to change that by putting things on a more human basis.”
“There’s nothing new about that,” Andrew remarked. “That’s old stuff. Everybody does it.”
“Does what?”
“Camouflages natural behavior under a lot of phony excuses.”
“Andrew, please don’t try to tell me I couldn’t have helped it. I know better. I don’t want to be pitied. I want advice. I knew what Tom needed, or I thought I did. He was lonely and worried and more nearly afraid than I’ve ever seen him. So that night, after the Tibetans had gone into the other cave, I crept into Tom’s bed and made him believe it was I who needed him. I seduced him.”
“And is that what Tom doesn’t know?”
“Of course Tom doesn’t know it. He thinks I was just a weak woman who yielded to his natural physical yearning for a mate. At times like that things happen. It’s super-physical and super-mental. The physical act is irresistible. But it never entered Tom’s head that it wasn’t his fault.”
“And of course it never entered your head,” said Andrew, “that every time a Tibetan woman has made overtures to Tom he has compared her with you and sent a mental SOS in your direction that you responded to without knowing it.”
; “I did know it. My eyes were wide open. I knew Tom would lose his job if he were ever suspected of woman weakness. He’s like a priest in that respect. He’s trusted because—”
“Oh boloney!” Andrew interrupted. “That’s just Tom’s alibi. He kids himself. He made that up. He’s scrupulous and sentimental about his job. The job comes first. It suits him to believe that getting tangled with a woman — any woman — would destroy his efficiency. So he invented that hokum about Spartan celibacy. He has read a lot of tripe, too, about sublimation of sex.”
“‘Why do you say tripe? Andrew, there are hundreds of thousands of people who have no sex life, and don’t want it, and are better off without it — priests, monks, nuns — there was Newton, who invented calculus — and my uncle, Professor Mayor — and the Lama Lobsang Pun — and there’s Mu-ni Gam-po and all the monks in this monastery — and all the saints since history began—”
“Tom Grayne is no saint,” said Andrew. “He’s strong. He has energy and an iron will. He’s on the level in the sense that he would stay bought if anyone could buy him, but nobody can. That’s a number one rating. But he’s no genuine ascetic. He trains himself to live hard and to abstain from tobacco and drink and women for the same reason that a professional athlete does. It pays dividends — not cash, but something he likes far better. That isn’t asceticism. If Tom thought that the opposite of chastity would improve his intelligence he’d turn whore-master, scrupulously, without the slightest moral twinge. He might hate it. But he’d do it.”
“Don’t you believe I corrupted him?”
Andrew laughed. His eyes narrowed. His grin widened. He clasped his hands and laid his elbows on his thighs and looked at Elsa with amusement that hid neither from him nor from her the fact that anger lay near the surface now, banked up, growing strong under restraint. Suddenly it broke loose. He stood up.
“Elsa, don’t be a damned fool. You corrupted Tom about as much as champagne could corrupt carbolic acid. The way a bird corrupts quicklime — or a rose corrupts the northeast wind.”
“You’re talking as if Tom were your enemy. Don’t you like him?”
“You bet I like him. But he doesn’t fool me. Neither do you.”
“I don’t want to fool you. I betrayed Tom.”
“Now you’ve said it, are you going to cover up? Or will you answer questions?”
“I want to tell you the truth, Andrew, so that you will answer my questions.”
“Okay. Answer this one first. Did Tom ever say he loved you?”
“Yes. But don’t you know the difference between loving and being in love?”
Andrew sat down again. “When did it happen? I mean, when did Tom say it?”
“It happened — I mean Tom said it at the Thunder Dragon Gate, before Lobsang Pun sent us away.”
“And what did you say?”
“I don’t remember what I said. I was utterly happy. I didn’t care where we went nor what we did — until I suddenly remembered the bargain. I knew Tom would remember it too. So I spoke of it first, because I didn’t want to embarrass him by speaking of it when it might be almost too late.”
“What did Tom say?”
“He was relieved. I knew he would be. And he was.”
“Yeah, I don’t doubt it. All Tibet to wander around in. No immediate impulse, and plenty of time. About three quarters of Tom’s method is to start things moving and then wait and see.”
“Please, Andrew! It’s so difficult to tell, and I do so want you to believe me.”
“I know what you want me to believe.”
Andrew enjoyed the luxury at last of letting violence flow up the veins of his neck and along his forearms. There was just a hint of hardening muscle beneath the candle shadow on his cheek. Unknown to himself he looked ready to kill what he hated. Elsa noticed it.
“Andrew, you hate me for being the problem I am, and I don’t blame you one bit. But be generous. Try to understand me. And then give me good advice, don’t Pollyanna me. I want you to help me to face the music.”
“What are you trying to be? A she-dictator staging an election? I vote the way I’m told to, and eat crow if you’re wrong? Is that it?”
“No, Andrew. But the facts are plain and I want you to know them before you give me advice. I seduced Tom. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did. As a result I became pregnant, in a cave, in Tibet, nearly a thousand miles away from any possible help. No woman has a right to do that to a man. If you hadn’t turned up, Tom would have been in a much worse dilemma than he is in now. And it’s bad enough now. Perhaps I ought to have just let myself die. I could have done that, because I was very close to death several times. It would have saved trouble for everybody.”
“Stay in your own bracket and don’t try to talk like a beaten drab,” said Andrew. “You can’t play coward well enough to convince yourself, let alone me.”
“It isn’t easy to play coward — one can only think about it, with people like Tom and you doing things,” she retorted. “Who else in the world but you would have said yes without a second’s hesitation when Tom asked you to take me to Darjeeling — nearly a thousand miles, and winter coming on — and not your business!”
“Any man would have done it.”
“You think too highly of men! The point is that you did it, Andrew. And my baby was born in the snow. And you fought the blizzard and death and made miracles and stood by like a great big angry angel, and did what couldn’t be done, and saved the baby and me, and brought both of us alive to Darjeeling. It wasn’t your fault that the baby died — here, in the monastery.”
“Nor your fault either. That was bad luck.”
“It was Tom’s baby.”
“Seems to me it was your baby.”
“It was Tom’s one possible excuse to forgive me for what I’d done to him. And the baby is dead. Now what? Tell me, Andrew. What now?”
“You’re overrating Tom’s cussedness,” he answered. “Tom isn’t as hard as all that.”
“Andrew, if the baby had lived there would have been no mystery about what to do. Tom’s baby and mine. Quite simple. I’d have been the mother of Tom’s baby. But now what am I? Nothing but a liability — a millstone fastened secretly to Tom’s neck — a danger to him. A handicap — a nuisance — an expense — an obstacle.”
Andrew grinned savagely. “Who filled the butchers’ shops with big green flies?”’ he quoted. “Sure. You haven’t any rights whatever.”
“Listen, Andrew, please. I know what my legal rights are. I can go to Mexico or somewhere like that and divorce Tom, just as secretly as we got married. That was part of our agreement. But I want you to tell me Tom’s side of it. Tom is all alone in Tibet and I can’t consult him. I can’t even get a message to him. I’ve tried telepathy again and again. Sometimes I can see him clairvoyantly. But I get no response. Tom isn’t clairvoyant — at any rate, not consciously he isn’t.”
“Tom has Grade A hunches,” said Andrew. “What does he think those are?”
“There you go again, trying to get me off the subject! It isn’t Tom’s hunches that trouble me. It’s Tom’s sense of duty. Tom feels he has a duty to me. I know he does. Andrew, put yourself in Tom’s place, and then tell me—”
“Can’t be done. Besides, I wouldn’t be in Tom’s place for a million.”
“What shall I do, that won’t make Tom feel cheap or guilty, and that won’t make him feel he should throw up his job and—”
She stopped speaking suddenly. Andrew was on his feet again. Anger burst through reticence. His face, in the glow from the brazier, was almost exactly as she remembered it in the blizzard-blown campfire light when the tent was torn loose in the gale and her baby was being born.
“God damn it!” he said suddenly. “Can’t you fight back!”
“You mean fight Tom?”
“I mean fight that God-damned lousy theoretical suggestion stuff that makes you blame yourself for every situation that you don’t like! The sun rises — praise the Lord
! — God’s in his heaven and all’s well with the world. But when night comes — that’s your fault! Bad weather — that’s absolute, infallible, incontrovertible proof that you’re a sinner! Damn that superstition about sin in the Garden of Eden!”
“Andrew, I’m not superstitious! I’m not! I am not!”
“Aren’t you?’And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this: upon thy belly shall thou go, and dust shall thou eat all the days of thy life.’ Do you believe that or don’t you?”
“I asked you to tell me what Tom really thinks.”
“How the hell do I know what he thinks! Damn his eyes, I’m telling you what I think! You and he are not theories, or any bilge like that. You’re not a legend. You’re human beings. If you love each other—”
“Andrew, I can’t come between Tom and his duty.”
“Duty my eye! Don’t you rate? Haven’t you a soul to call your own? Is it less than his? Haven’t you faith in your own vision? It was good enough, wasn’t it, to pull up stakes and cash your savings and pitch your future into Tom’s kit and go wandering where nine hard-gutted hellions out of ten wouldn’t dream of daring to go! And now you talk about being licked by a lousy suggestion that you’re a traitress! God! Sure. Yes. I’ll tell you the answer—”
He paused because Elsa was no longer looking at him. Her attention had become fixed on something else. A quiet cough made him turn suddenly. The old Abbot Mu-ni Gam-po had entered unheard. He stood in shadow, black-robed, frail-looking, blinking through a parchment maze of wrinkles that were probably a smile, probably kindly, but beyond any doubt whatever were a mask revealing nothing that he did not wish to reveal. He spoke in English:
“May I listen to the wonderful answer? But may I first have tea, if there is any tea left in the urn? Let us all drink. Anger and tea so seldom mingle. Wisdom sometimes fills the nest from which the bird of anger flew.”
CHAPTER 3
Andrew recovered reticence, and alertness with it. The arresting fact was that the Lord Abbot Mu-ni Gam-po had entered the room, contrary to custom, unannounced, unaccompanied. Andrew concentrated full attention on the fact. He watched the Abbot help himself to tea and drink it noisily, Tibetan fashion. The old man wasn’t likely to say what he meant; one had to spot hints, and they wouldn’t be too plain. Elsa watched Andrew, wondering whether he got the same impression she did. There was emergency in the air. The swaying shadows felt loaded with secret crisis. It was like a dream, in which unrelated things happen. A gong boomed at the far end of the corridor, muted by silence and by the thick door and the splashing of rain through the open window. Mu-ni Gam-po moved his prayer wheel with a hardly perceptible wrist motion, twirling perhaps a hundred benedictions. Then he blinked at Andrew and spoke in Tibetan:
