“You don’t want to do this. This isn’t you.”
“Wrong. I’m really a monster. I’m getting more pleasure out of this than you know. Say it or don’t, my battle has nothing to do with your pain and everything to do with not fucking your brains out while I’m inflicting it.”
I blinked past the words, hating how I became wet. I should have despised him for his brutal honesty, for his treatment, but I loved him despite what he was doing. And the pain …something about the intensity was releasing that need within me. The one that relied on the cutting.
“Keep your dick away from me.”
“No promises. You ready to say what I want to hear or are we going to continue?”
“You can’t hurt me any worse than life already has, but go ahead and try. Start this new chapter out like all the rest. Fucking regret.”
He growled, moving closer. “You’re bringing this on yourself. It could so easily end if you wanted it to. That only tells me you don’t want me to stop. Is that the real truth? Perhaps I didn’t go hard enough last time we were here?” His voice lowered to a whisper and I held my breath as he tugged at my earlobe with his teeth. “I think you’re enjoying this punishment. Maybe I should see.”
Jaime’s fingers dug into my hip. Where I expected him to dip between my legs to check for himself, he didn’t move. The rejection sparked inside of me again and I hated that I even wanted him to. His behavior was deplorable, but hadn’t I seen this side of him before? Something was definitely not right.
“Tell me, how wet are you? Are you dying for me to touch your pussy? I bet you are. I bet you’re internally begging for me to fuck you.”
“I wouldn’t consent if you got on your knees and begged me for forgiveness.”
His chuckle shook my body, making the tears reappear through the aggravation.
“I think you would consent in a heartbeat. Do you know what else I think?” I sniffled, staring ahead while he slid his hand to my lower stomach. “I think I could have you screaming out Master in no time if I only gave you what you really wanted.”
“Get off of me and get to work. Don’t you have some torturing to do?”
“Sweet torture, slave. You love this.” His other arm hooked over my opposite shoulder while he hugged himself to me. “Do you know what else I think you love?”
“Freedom?”
“No. Me.”
Defensiveness had me trying to buck him off. Was I so easy to read? “You think I could love someone like you? Take a long, hard look at what an ass you’re being. At what you’ve done to me. I don’t love you. I could never love someone like you!”
Silence.
“Smart girl. Maybe if you ever make it out of here, you can find someone that will make you happy. Us, we were nothing but a tragedy in the making. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Wetness finally gave way to race down my cheeks. Everything had been a lie. Jaime never felt anything for me. There was no emotion. No hint of anything to convince me that he wasn’t telling the truth. For that, I was done. All I wanted was to leave this mansion. To be free of the one man who’d managed to crush me more than life itself.
“Master, I wish to do my lessons now.”
Chapter 26
Jaime
I’m going to be sick.
The thought repeated in my head, increasing in accuracy with each second I stared at the monitor. This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t be destroying the one person I loved. But I was. And I’d continue to do it if it meant Lydia would find the strength to live a life that didn’t involve me. At least for a while. But it wasn’t just temporary. She’d never forgive me after this. She would never forget the cruel things I had said to her in the basement or in her bedroom before and after our blow up only hours ago. Fuck … I was definitely going to be sick.
Bile burned into my throat. The only plausible thing to do was toss back another shot of Scotch. Anything to make those haunting cries leave me. I could still hear them—feel them as she sobbed in my arms. I was breaking her heart. My slave loved me, I knew she did. And here I was, ripping her to shreds when she didn’t deserve anymore pain or grief. Dammit, she was right. I was a bastard—an asshole—the scum of the fucking earth.
“I’m done.”
Lydia’s monotone voice carried through the opened adjoining door. She didn’t rise from the desk where I’d tasked her the assignment of writing a paper on the person she viewed herself as. She didn’t even look toward my room or camera. It was her reflection she stared at.
“Finally.” I stood, wiping my hands over my face. The unrelenting Master slid into place and I forced myself to believe I wasn’t going to screw it up by truly getting sick in her presence. Where the hell was my sadist or sociopathic side? Where was the numbness I once hated so much? It was gone concerning Lydia. She made me feel and I couldn’t escape that.
I stalked through the opened door, expecting her to turn to face me. She didn’t. Slowly, she stood, walking to the center of the room to kneel. The action made it impossible to continue forward.
“Did I tell you to kneel? Bring me the paper.”
Obedience, if not with a slight attitude. That made me feel better. Her spirit was still there, even if hidden away from me to see.
“More than four pages, like you asked.”
Lydia extended her hand, keeping her eyes down. Before I could think, I latched onto her wrist, pulling her body into mine. Blue eyes shot up, clouded with tears. It was enough to snap me out of my need to put an end to this. And hadn’t that been what I was about to do? Kiss her? Tell her this was too much and that I loved her? To pack her shit so we could go? Three days weren’t going to come fast enough. Three days until the dinner with Sevastian and Diane where he’d assess her. The weeks or months that followed, I couldn’t even think about. By the time I left here, she was going hate me.
“Shower time. I’ll read your paper while you’re in there.”
Lydia went to step around me to head in the direction of my room when I threw up my hand and pointed at the main door. “You don’t get to use my bathroom anymore. You have your own.”
One would have thought I slapped her for the damage it clearly caused. Damn those sad eyes. Did she even know how much emotion she threw off with those things?
“Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking, Master. Would you like to pick out my clothes or should I take care of that?”
“Do I ever let you pick out your clothes? Go, you have fifteen minutes to take care of your needs and shower. Don’t think of doing anything stupid. I think you’ve had your fill of basement-time for today.”
Lydia didn’t say a word as she left the room. She didn’t even look back. It had me cursing myself all the way to her door so I could make sure she entered the bathroom instead of sneaking downstairs to try to hurt herself or escape. I waited a good minute before I headed back to her room. The top drawer was filled with multiple shifts. I grabbed a white one, walking to my room to check the cameras. And I was glad that I did.
My slave was inside, standing nude before the mirror. Tears streaked her face, but she didn’t appear to be crying anymore. Just … staring. Her lips moved, but not enough for me to decipher what she was saying. Or maybe she wasn’t speaking at all. Were her lips just trembling?
I leaned in closer to the screen but it was too late. As if she knew she wasn’t alone anymore, Lydia turned and headed for the water that was already going. I stepped away from the desk, stopping as the vibrations of my phone hummed in my pocket. I didn’t have to look down before I answered. I knew who it was.
“Boss.”
“From your tone, I’m going to guess you haven’t had a very good day.”
“You’d guess correct. Worst fucking day of my life so far, if you want me to be honest.”
“That bad?” Sevastian paused before continuing. “You’re breaking away, then?”
“Breaking away? Try breaking her. Talk about fucking whiplash. I feel sick treat
ing her this way. I can’t stand it. She doesn’t deserve this, and before you say something like I should have thought about that before—don’t. I’m quite aware of the disaster I’ve caused.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything. You’re not an idiot, Jaime. I’m just glad you’re taking the steps to right this. She’s going to be better for it. And I hope when this is all over with that she can forgive you and the two of you can move forward. You deserve happiness. I hope you can find it with Lydia. I truly do.”
I nodded, regardless that Sevastian couldn’t see me. I was too occupied turning back to scan the monitor displaying the bathroom. Lydia was in the shower now, facing away from me and washing her hair. The longing to join her, to shower her like I had so many times when we were together was a knife in my soul.
“Jaime, you there?”
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Are you going to be okay? I can come right now if you need me to. All you have to do is say the word. I know how hard this is for you.”
I clutched to the shift, torn on my answer. I was on the edge. The closer it got to Sevastian coming to take my place, the more the Master in me wanted to be free. Lydia was mine. I told her she was and I believed her to belong to me. Why was it so hard to face that I was in over my head?
“I’m good. Two more days.”
“That’s right. Two more. And Jaime …”
“Yeah?”
“It’s all going to be okay. I promise.”
“Yeah. I’ve got to go. Shower time is up.”
“Alright. See you soon.”
The line disconnected and I shoved the phone back in my pocket. I didn’t think I’d ever walked to another room so fast in my life. I had to be close to her. Our time was running out and knowing Sevastian, there was no telling how long it would take before he deemed her stable enough.
The soft silk from the shift slid through my fingers as I dropped it on the counter, but I hardly noticed. I couldn’t stop myself from staring ahead and soaking in every curve of my slave’s body through the fogged glass. Beautiful, soft, I knew the feel and taste of every inch. Just being as close as I was, my cock was aching to be inside of her.
“I forgive you, you know.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I forgive you for the way you’re acting. I can suddenly think and I have to say, you played it off well, but I’m not an idiot. This isn’t you. You wouldn’t hurt me like this unless you thought it was in my best interest. So then I questioned what that could possibly be. Why would you act so harsh when only yesterday we spoke of a future? And now it makes sense.”
“What makes sense?”
I stepped closer to the shower. Relief that she didn’t find me a complete monster, mixed with panic.
“You’re afraid of commitment. It makes sense. You have a bad history; I have a bad history. I’m sick and there’s no telling if I’ll ever lead a normal life. You said those things yesterday and you slept on it. Reality dawned and now you’re pushing me away. I understand. You can stop being mean about it. I’m not going to fall apart because you’ve changed your mind. Trying to get me to hate you is unnecessary. I’m a big girl. All you have to do is tell me that you can’t risk being with me and I’ll understand. It’s okay, Master. Really, it is. I’ll be fine.”
“You’re too calm.” My pulse was roaring and flaring with every beat. Something was wrong. I felt it through every ounce of my being as I surged through the shower door.
Lydia’s stood there, curiosity drawing in her features. “What are you doing?”
“Let me see you.”
I didn’t think as my hands began to explore her body. Warm water soaked through my clothes, but I didn’t care. Alarms were exploding within me. I pulled her legs apart, searching her inner thighs for blood. For scratching or … something.
“Turn.”
But I was already spinning her.
Nothing.
“Pick up your feet.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Do it.”
Lydia’s eyes rolled as she lifted each one. The lack of blood or welts had me rising, baffled. Even her tone had been different. And then I knew. I wasn’t sure how, but my instincts were rarely wrong and if anyone knew her behavior, it was me.
I latched to Lydia’s throat, slamming her into wall and stepping in close. Surprise had her lids flying open while she stared up at me, fearfully. “Open your mouth. Now!” Tighter I squeezed, cutting off her oxygen until I knew she couldn’t have swallowed if she wanted to. Seconds went by and my heart sunk to my stomach as crimson trailed down her lip and chin. With my other hand, I pushed into cheeks, separating her jaw. A cry had Lydia fighting against me, but I didn’t ease. I wedged her mouth open, taking in the laceration along her tongue. As for the weapon, I didn’t see one, but that wasn’t teeth marks I was looking at.
“Where is it?”
I swept my finger into her mouth, feeling nauseous at the thought of her swallowing it. If it was a razorblade like I feared, the damage could be deadly.
“Where is it?!”
Coughing filled the enclosed space as I let go of her throat. Lydia gasped, still trying to swing her fists while I secured her with my palm against her chest.
“Either you start talking or I take you back to the basement right now. Where’s the razorblade?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You lie.”
“Do I? I guess it takes a liar to know when he doesn’t hear the truth.”
“Where is it? I’m not asking again. What I’ll do to you will pale in comparison to what’s going through your mind. I promise you that.”
Her silence had me scanning the surroundings. I could tell she was on the verge of talking. She was too afraid not to. The amount her body was shaking was only increasing by the second. And tears. So much regret on her face. It left the sickness in me churning even more.
“There.”
Her shaky finger pointed to the lining behind the shower head. I let go, letting my fingers slide over the small surface. When I connected against the flat medal, I growled, grabbing it and spinning to her. At my stare, Lydia’s eyes dropped and her shoulders drew in. Anxiety left her crossing her arms over her chest while she stole glances up at me.
“Where the fuck did you get this?”
“Storage closet … by the back door.”
I took a deep breath trying to calm the betrayal and rage festering. Flashbacks blinded me as we walked through the house after her first pill. Her anxiety had been so bad, I only wanted to distract her by taking her outside. But then she started asking questions about the rooms. I remembered having paused in telling her when she asked about the fucking closet.
“Of course. I should have known when you were asking that you were scheming. No wonder my new attitude isn’t such a shock to you. You were playing me the entire time. You’re good.” My head shook and the soft, shocked chuckle that left me was followed by the worst ache in my chest. I had been so sure Lydia’s feelings had been genuine. What an idiot I was.
“How could you say that? I wasn’t playing you.”
“Save it. How’d you get in? The door was locked.”
A shade of color drained from her face while she inched further away from me.
“When you were sleeping this morning. Your keys were in your pants on the floor.”
Another laugh left me and with it, another internal blow. What a fool I was in love. Lydia could be dead right now and all because I needed one more night of sleep with her. Sevastian was right, she was at risk with me. I failed and I didn’t deserve to spend another second trying to protect her. “While I slept. Best fucking sleep of my life.”
I turned, throwing the glass door open so hard that the walls of the shower shook.
“Master?”
“Don’t!” I spun, trying to control my need to go back and pin her against the wall to spank her ass or kiss her as hard as I could and
beg her for the truth. Had she really felt nothing? “Get dressed. Your new Master will be here shortly.”
“New …? What do you mean, new Master? Please!”
Lydia was battling wrapping the towel around her while she ran after me. She didn’t make it past her room before I turned, pushing her inside and locking the door. When I went through mine, she was standing at the opening that adjoined the rooms with panic lighting her face.
“I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again. I won’t lie. I won’t cut. Don’t leave.”
“Back in your room.”
“Master, please! I didn’t plan to use the razor. I just wanted it there to help with the anxiety, but then you—”
“In the room!”
The roar of my voice had her skittering back. I knew she was sorry, but it was the addict talking. The one who took comfort in what she knew—in the familiarity she’d grown to build here. It wasn’t me she was crying over. I quickly pushed away the inner voice that suggested it was.
I took one last look at Lydia, memorizing the face I’d come to love. Those big blue eyes, her thin nose and full lips. She was perfect. Perfectly broken in ways Sevastian may never be able to fix.
“I wish you the best. I really do. Have a good a life, Lydia.”
“No. Master, please. I’m sorry. I … l-love you.”
Faster the tears came and I watched as the sobs brought her crashing to her knees. For the first time in my life, my eyes burned with more than just lack of sleep. My heart was literally being ripped to pieces and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Love, yourself. You’re very loveable, I promise.” Inch by inch I watched her disappear as the barrier drew closer toward me. The click from the knob signified everything I had, and everything I had lost.
Chapter 27
Lydia
“The rules are pretty much the same as Jaime’s. I am your Master and you will address me as such. You will have lessons you will complete if you want to make it out of here. If you fail to complete them, there will be consequences. You will continue your medication and in light of your newest episode, you will be meeting with a therapist who specializes in self harm. She will be here first thing on Mondays and Fridays. For an hour you will comply with whatever she asks, and afterward she will check your body and mouth for cuts. If you do not comply, you will be dealt with accordingly. Do you understand?”
Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance Page 17
