Since then his career had done him more than justice. Sitting at his desk now, he relaxed; he couldn’t remember when he’d felt so much at ease with his memories. Of course there had been later disturbing incidents. One spring evening he had been sitting on a park bench with Edna, courting her, and had glanced away from the calm green sunset to see an inflated plastic bag caught among branches. The bag had seemed to pant violently in its struggles with the breeze; then it had begun to nod sluggishly. He’d run across the lawn in panic, but before he reached the bag it had been snatched away, to retreat nodding into the darkness between the trees. For a moment, vaguely amid his panic, it had made him think of the unidentified boy who had appeared beside him in a class photograph, face blurred into a grey blob. Edna had asked him no questions, and he’d been grateful to forget the incident. But the panic still lay in his memory, now he looked.
It was like the panic he’d felt while awaiting Peter’s birth. That had been late in the marriage; there might have been complications. Clarke had waited, trying to slow his breath, holding himself back; panic had been waiting just ahead. If there were any justice, Edna at least would survive. He’d heard someone approaching swiftly beyond the bend in the hospital corridor: a purposeful crackling rustle—a nurse. He had felt pinned down by panic; he’d known that the sound was bearing death towards him. But the nurse must have turned aside beyond the bend. Instead, a doctor had appeared to call him in to see his wife and son. For the only time in his life, Clarke had rushed away to be sick with relief.
As if he had vomited out what haunted him, the panic had never seized him again. But Derek remained deep in his mind, waiting. Each time his thoughts brushed the memory they shrank away; each time it seemed more shameful and horrible. He had never been able to look at it directly.
But why not? He had looked at all these memories without flinching. He had dealt with Peter, later he would deal with Elland. He felt unassailably right, incapable of wrong. He would not be doing himself justice if he did not take this chance.
He sat forward, as if to interview his memory. He coaxed his mind towards it, trying to relax, reassuring himself. There was nothing to fear, he was wholly secure. He must trust his sense of innate rightness; not to remember would be to betray it. He braced himself, closing his eyes. At the age of ten, he had killed another boy.
He and Derek had been playing at the end of the street, near the disused railway line. They weren’t supposed to be there, but their parents rarely checked. The summer sun had been trying to shake off trails of soot that rose from the factory chimneys. The boys had been playing at spacemen, inspired by the cover of a magazine crumpled among the rubble. They’d found a plastic bag.
Clarke had worn it first. It had hung against his ears like blankets when he breathed; his ears had been full of his breathing, the bag had grown stuffily hot and misty at once, clinging to his face. Then Derek had snatched it for himself.
Clarke hadn’t liked him really, hadn’t counted him as much of a friend. Derek was sly, he grabbed other people’s toys, he played vindictive tricks on others, then whined if they turned on him. When he did wrong he tried to pass the blame to someone else—but that day Clarke had had nobody else to play with. They’d wanted to play spacemen chasing Martians over the waste ground of the moon, but Derek’s helmet had kept flying off. Clarke had pulled it tight at the back of Derek’s neck, to tie a careful knot.
They ran until Derek fell down. He’d lain kicking on the rubble, pulling at the bag, at his neck. The bag had ballooned, then had fastened on his face like grey skin, again and again. His fingernails had squeaked faintly on the plastic; he’d sounded as though he were trying to cough. When Clarke had stooped to help him he’d kicked out blindly and viciously. Dismayed by the sight, infuriated by the rebuff, Clarke had run away. Realising that he didn’t know where he was running to, he’d panicked and had hidden in the outside toilet for hours, long after the woman’s screams had gone by, and the ambulance.
Though nobody had known he and Derek had been together—since Derek’s sister and her boyfriend were supposed to have kept the boy with them in the park—Clarke had waited, on the edge of panic, for Derek’s father to knock at the front door. But the next day his mother had told him Derek had had an accident; he’d been warned never to play with plastic bags, and that was all. It wasn’t enough, he’d decided years later while watching a fight; too many of his classmates’ parents weren’t enough for their children; he’d known then what his career was to be. By then he had been able to relax, except for the depths of his mind.
He’d allowed himself to forget; yet today he was hounding a boy for a lesser crime.
No. It wasn’t the same. Whoever had played that trick on Peter must have known what he was doing. But Clarke, at ten years old, hadn’t known what he was doing to Derek. He had never needed to feel guilt at all.
Secure in that knowledge, he remembered at last why he had. He’d sat on the outside toilet, hearing the screams. Very gradually, a sly grin had spread across his mouth. It served Derek right. Someone had played a trick on him for a change. He wouldn’t be able to pass it back. Clarke had hugged himself, rocking on the seat, giggling silently, starting guiltily when a soft unidentified thumping at the door had threatened him.
He gazed at the memory. It no longer made him writhe; after all, he had been only a child. He would be able to tell Edna at last. That was what had disturbed him most that evening in the park: it hadn’t seemed right that he couldn’t tell her. That injustice had lurked deep within their marriage. He smiled broadly. “I didn’t know what I was doing,” he told himself again, aloud.
“But you know now,” said a muffled voice behind him.
He sprang to his feet. He had been dozing. Behind him, of course, there was only the window and the unhurried mist. He glanced at his watch. He was to talk to his sixth-form class about ethics: he felt he would enjoy the subject even more than usual. As he closed his door he glimpsed something moving in the indistinct depths of the trees beyond the playing field, like a fading trace of a memory: a tree, no doubt.
When the class had sat down again he waited for a moment, hoping they might question the ethics of the detention he’d ordered. They should be men enough to ask him. But they only gazed, and he began to discuss the relationship between laws and morality. A Christian country. The individual’s debt to society. Our common duty to help the law. The administration of justice. Justice.
He’d waxed passionate, striding the aisles, when he happened to look out of the window. A man dressed in drab shapeless clothes was standing at the edge of the trees. In the almost burnt-out sunlight his face shone dully, featurelessly. Shadows or mist made the grey mass of his face seem to flutter.
The janitor was skulking distantly in the bottom corner of the pane, like a detail squeezed in by a painter. He was pretending to weed the flower-beds. “Who is that man?” Clarke called angrily. “He has no right to be here.” But there was nobody except the janitor in sight.
Clarke groped for his interrupted theme. The age of culpability: one of the class must have asked about that—he remembered having heard a voice. The age of legal responsibility. Must not be used as an excuse. Conscience cannot be silenced for ever. The law cannot absolve. One does not feel guilt without being guilty. Someone was standing outside the window.
As Clarke whirled to look, something, perhaps the tic that was plucking at his eye, made the man’s face seem the colour of mist, and quaking. But when he looked there was nothing but the field and the mist and the twilight, running together darkly like a drowned painting. “Who was that?” Clarke demanded. “Did anyone see?”
“A man,” said Paul Hammond, a sensitive boy. “He looked as if he was going to have a fit.” Nobody else had seen anything.
“Do your job properly,” Clarke shouted at the janitor. “Keep your eyes open. He’s gone round there, round the corner.” The afternoon had crept surreptitiously by; he had almost reached the end of school.
He searched for a phrase to sum up the lesson. “Remember, you cannot call yourself a man unless you face your conscience.” On the last words he had to outshout the bell.
He strode to Elland’s classroom, his gown rising and sailing behind him. The man was chatting to a group of his boys: “Will you come to my office when you’ve finished, please,” Clarke said, leaning in.
Waiting in his office, he felt calm as the plane of mist before him. It reminded him of a still pool; a pool whose opaque stillness hid its depths; an unnaturally still and opaque pool; a pool from whose depths a figure was rising, about to shatter the surface. It must be the janitor, searching behind the mist. Clarke shook himself angrily and turned as Elland came in.
“Have you been questioning my authority in front of your class?”
“Not exactly, no. I answered a question.”
“Don’t quibble. You are perfectly aware of what I mean. I will not have the discipline of my school undermined in this way.”
“Boys of that age can see straight through hypocrisy, you know,” the teacher said, interrupting the opening remarks of Clarke’s lecture. “I was asked what I thought. I’m not a convincing liar, and I shouldn’t have thought you’d want me to be. I’m sure they would have found my lying more disturbing than the truth. And that wouldn’t have helped the discipline, now would it?”
“Don’t interrogate me. Don’t you realise what you said in front of my son? Does that mean nothing to you?”
“It was your son who asked me what I thought.”
Clarke stared at him, hoping for signs of a lie. But at last he had to dismiss him. “I’ll speak to you more tomorrow,” he said vaguely. The man had been telling the truth; he had clearly been surprised even to have to tell it. But that meant Peter had lied to his father.
Clarke threw the draft of the letter into his briefcase. There was no time to be lost. He must follow Peter home immediately and set the boy back on the right path. A boy who was capable of one lie was capable of many.
Far down the corridor boys shouted, the wooden echoes of their footsteps fading. At the door to the mist Clarke hesitated. Perhaps Peter found it difficult to talk to him at school. He would ask him about the incident again at home, to give him a last chance. Perhaps it was partly Clarke’s fault, for not making it clear how the boy should address him at school. He must make sure Edna didn’t intervene, gently, anxiously. He would insist that she leave them alone.
The fog pretended to defer to him as he strode. It was fog now: trees developed from it, black and glistening, then dissolved again. One tree rustled as he passed. But surely it had no leaves? He hadn’t time to go back and look. The sound must have been the rattling of the tree’s wire cage, muffled and distorted by the fog.
Home was half a mile away, along three main roads. Peter would already have arrived there, with a group of friends; Clarke hoped he hadn’t invited them in. No matter; they would certainly leave when they saw their headmaster.
Buses groped along the dual carriageway, their engines subdued and hoarse. The sketch of a lamp post bobbed up from the fog, filling out and darkening; another, another. On the central reservation, beyond the fog, a faint persistent rustling seemed to be pacing Clarke. This was always an untidy street. But there was no wind to stir the litter, no wind to cause the sound that was creeping patiently and purposefully along just behind him, coming abreast of him as he halted, growing louder. He flinched from the dark shape that swam up beside him, but it was a car. And of course it must have been disturbing the litter on the road. He let the car pass, and the rustling faded ahead.
As he neared the second road the white glare of mercury-vapour lamps was gradually mixed with the warmer orange of sodium, contradicted by the chill of the fog. Cars passed like stealthy hearses. The fog sopped up the sodium glow; the orange fog hung thickly around him, like a billowing sack. He felt suffocated. Of course he did, for heaven’s sake. The fog was clogging his lungs. He would soon be home.
He strode into the third road, where home was. The orange sack glided with him, over the whitening pavement. The fog seemed too thick, almost a liquid from which lamp posts sailed up slowly, trailing orange streaks. Striding through the suppressed quiet, he realised he had encountered nobody on the roads. All at once he was glad: he could see a figure surfacing darkly before him, fog streaming from it, its blank face looming forward to meet him. He could see nothing of the kind. He was home.
As he fumbled for his keys, the nearby streetlamp blazed through a passing rift in the fog. The lamp was dazzling; its light penetrated the thickset curtains Edna had hung in the front rooms; and it showed a man standing at its root. He was dressed like a tramp, in ancient clothes, and his face gleamed dully in the orange light, like bronze. As Clarke glanced away to help his hands find his elusive keys he realised that the man seemed to have no face, only the gleaming almost immobile surface. He glared back at the pavement, but there was nobody. The fog, which must have obscured the man’s face, closed again.
One room was lit: the kitchen, at the far end of the hall. Edna and Peter must be in there. Since the house was silent, the boy could not have invited in his friends. Clarke closed the front door, glad to see the last of the fog, and hurried down the hall. He had taken three steps when something slithered beneath his feet. He peered at it, on the faint edge of light from the kitchen. It was a plastic bag.
In a moment, during which his head seemed to clench and grow lightless as he hastily straightened up, he realised that it was one of the bags Edna used to protect food. Several were scattered along the hall. She must have dropped them out of the packet, she mustn’t have noticed. He ran along the hall towards the light, towards the silent kitchen. The kitchen was empty.
He began to call to Edna and to Peter as he ran back through the house, slipping on the scattered bags, bruising his shoulder against the wall. He pulled open the dining-room door, but although the china was chiming from his footsteps, there was nobody within. He ran on, skidding, and wrenched open the door of the living-room. The faintest of orange glows had managed to gather in the room. He was groping distractedly for the light switch when he made out Edna and Peter, sitting waiting for him in the dark. Their heads gleamed faintly.
After a very long time he switched on the light.
He switched it off at once. He had seen enough; he had seen their gaping mouths stuffed full of sucked-in plastic. His mind had refused to let him see their eyes. He stood in the orange dark, gazing at the still figures. When he made a sound, it resounded through the house.
At last he stumbled into the hall. He had nowhere else to go. He knew the moment was right. The blur in the lighted kitchen doorway was a figure: a man, vague as fog and very thin. Its stiff arms rose jerkily, perhaps hampered by pain, perhaps savouring the moment. Grey blotches peered from its face. He heard the rustling as it uncovered its head.
Conversion
You’re in sight of home when you know something’s wrong. Moonlight shivers gently on the stream beyond the cottage, and trees stand around you like intricate spikes of the darkness mounting within the forest. The cottage is dark, but it isn’t that. You emerge into the glade, trying to sense what’s troubling you.
You know you shouldn’t have stayed out so late, talking to your friend. Your wife must have been worried, perhaps frightened by the night as well. You’ve never left her alone at night before. But his talk was so engrossing: you feel that in less than a night you’ve changed from being wary of him to understanding him completely. And his wine was so good, and his open-throated brightly streaming fire so warming, that you can now remember little except a timeless sense of comfortable companionship, of communion that no longer needed words. But you shouldn’t have left your wife alone in the forest at night, even behind a barred door. The woodcutter’s cottage is nearby; at least you could have had his wife stay with yours. You feel disloyal.
Perhaps that’s what has been disturbing you. Always before when you’ve returned home, light has
been pouring from the windows, mellowing the surrounding trunks and including them like a wall around your cottage. Now the cottage reminds you of winter nights long ago in your childhood, when you lay listening to a wolf’s cry like the slow plummeting of ice into a gorge, and felt the mountains and forests huge around you, raked by the wind. The cottage feels like that: cold and hollow and unwelcoming. For a moment you wonder if you’re simply anticipating your wife’s blame, but you’re sure it’s more than that.
In any case you’ll have to knock and awaken her. First you go to the window and look in. She’s lying in bed, her face open as if to the sky. Moonlight eases darkness from her face, but leaves her throat and the rest of her in shadow. Tears have gathered in her eyes, sparkling. No doubt she has been crying in memory of her sister, a sketch of whom gazes across the bed from beside a glass of water. As you look in you’re reminded of your childhood fancy that angels watched over you at night, not at the end of the bed but outside the window; for a second you feel like your wife’s angel. But as you gaze in, discomfort grows in your throat and stomach. You remember how your fancy somehow turned into a terror of glimpsing a white face peering in. You draw back quickly in case you should frighten her.
But you have to knock. You don’t understand why you’ve been delaying. You stride to the door and your fist halts in mid-air, as if impaled by lightning. Suddenly the vague threats and unease you’ve been feeling seem to rush together and gather on the other side of the door. You know that beyond the door something is waiting for you, ready to pounce.
You feel as if terror has pinned you through your stomach, helpless. You’re almost ready to flee into the woods, to free yourself from the skewer of your panic. Sweat pricks you like red-hot ash scattered on your skin. But you can’t leave your wife in there with it, whatever nightmare it is, rising out of the tales you’ve heard told of the forest. You force yourself to be still if not calm, and listen for some hint of what it might be.
Dark Companions Page 26
