‘It’s nothing,’ Alyosha interjected, frightened to see them in such a panic.
Yulia came running in with a bowl of water. Alyosha immersed his finger in it.
‘Mama, for goodness sake, bring some lint; some lint and that dark-coloured, stinging stuff you put on cuts, what’s it called? We have some, I know we have… Mama, you know where that bottle is, it’s in your bedroom, in the little cupboard on the right, there’s a large bottle and the lint…’
‘I’ll bring everything in a moment, Lise, only don’t shout and don’t panic. Look how brave Aleksei Fyodorovich is in spite of his accident. How did you manage to hurt yourself so badly, Aleksei Fyodorovich?’
Mrs Khokhlakova hurried out of the room. That was just what Lise had been waiting for.
‘First I want to know’, she said quickly, turning to Alyosha, ‘where on earth did this happen? After that I want to talk to you about something else. Well?’
Realizing instinctively that time was short and that her mother might return at any moment, Alyosha hurriedly gave her a condensed yet clear and precise summary of his strange encounter with the schoolboys.
When he had finished speaking, she clasped her hands in bewilderment.
‘But how could you, how could you have got involved with those schoolboys, especially dressed as you are,’ she exclaimed angrily, as though she had some authority over him. ‘It just goes to show you’re nothing but a little boy yourself, the silliest little boy you can imagine! Still, somehow you really must find out about that disgusting child and tell me everything, because there’s something strange going on. Now the next question—but first, Aleksei Fyodorovich, in spite of your finger, are you able to talk about something absolutely trivial, and talk sensibly?’
‘Of course I am, and the pain’s nearly gone.’
‘That’s because you’ve got your finger in the water. We should change the water straight away, because otherwise very soon it won’t be cold enough. Yulia, quickly, fetch a lump of ice from the cellar and another bowl of water. So. Now she’s gone, we can get down to business: my dear Aleksei Fyodorovich, would you kindly give me back the letter I sent you yesterday—immediately, because mama may come back at any moment, and I don’t want…’
‘I haven’t got it on me.’
‘That’s not true, you have got it. I knew you’d say that. It’s in your pocket. I’ve been regretting that stupid joke all night. Let me have the letter, I want it back!’
‘I’ve left it behind.’
‘You shouldn’t treat me like a child, like a little girl, just because I wrote you a letter as a silly joke! I apologize to you for the silly joke, but you must return the letter to me—if you really haven’t got it on you, make sure you bring it later today!’
‘I won’t be able to bring it today, because I’m going back to the monastery and I shan’t see you for two, three, perhaps four days, because Starets Zosima…’
‘Four days, what nonsense! Listen, did you laugh a lot at what I said?’
‘Not at all.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I took everything perfectly seriously.’
‘You’re insulting me.’
‘Not a bit. As soon as I read it, I realized that that was just how everything would turn out, because as soon as Starets Zosima dies I shall have to leave the monastery straight away. I shall then continue my studies and take an exam, and when you come of age, we’ll get married. I shall love you. Though I haven’t had a chance to think about it, it seems to me I’m not going to find a better wife than you, and the starets has instructed me to get married…’
‘But I’m a freak!’ Lise laughed, and her cheeks flushed pink. ‘I’ve got to be wheeled around in an invalid chair!’
‘I’ll wheel you around, but I’m sure you’ll get better by then.’
‘You’re mad’, Lise exclaimed excitedly, ‘to take such a silly joke so seriously!… Ah, here’s mama, very opportune, I’m sure. Mama, you’re always so slow, why did you take so long! Here’s Yulia too with the ice!’
‘Oh, Lise, stop shouting, for heaven’s sake—do stop shouting. It’s giving me a headache. What could I do if you’ve hidden the lint in another place… I looked everywhere for it… I suspect you did it deliberately.’
‘How was I to know he’d turn up with his finger half bitten off—if I’d known, then perhaps I might really have gone and hidden the lint deliberately. Mama darling, now you’re trying to be too clever.’
‘Too clever! Have it your own way, but why all this fuss, Lise, just because Aleksei Fyodorovich has hurt his finger and all the rest of it! Oh, my dear Aleksei Fyodorovich, it’s not things in isolation that upset me, not Herzenstube or the likes of him, but it’s when it all comes at once, everything together, that’s what I find unbearable.’
‘That’ll do, mama, forget about poor Herzenstube,’ Lise said, laughing joyfully. ‘Let’s have the lint quickly, mama, and that stuff. I’ve remembered the name, Aleksei Fyodorovich, it’s Goulard’s extract,* it’s very good. Mama, just imagine, he got into a fight with some boys on the way here and one of them bit him in the finger, well, isn’t that just childish, he’s nothing but a child himself, and how after all this, mama, can he be allowed to get married, can you imagine, mama, he wants to get married! Can you picture him married, it’s simply ridiculous, it doesn’t bear thinking about!’
And Lise continued giggling nervously to herself as she eyed Alyosha slyly.
‘What do you mean, getting married, Lise; why on earth should he, you really shouldn’t…! Besides, that boy could have had rabies.’
‘Really, mama! Can boys really have rabies?’
‘Why not, Lise, you’d think that I’d said something stupid. Supposing that boy had been bitten by a rabid dog, and then he in turn became rabid and went and bit somebody else. Hasn’t she applied that dressing well, Aleksei Fyodorovich, I’d never have been able to do it as well as that. Do you still feel any pain?’
‘Hardly any.’
‘You don’t feel frightened of water by any chance?’ asked Lise.
‘That’ll do, Lise; perhaps I went too far, saying the boy could have had rabies, but there’s no need for you to laugh. As soon as Katerina Ivanovna found out that you were here, Aleksei Fyodorovich, she wouldn’t give me any peace; she wants to see you, she really wants to see you.’
‘Oh, mama! Why don’t you talk to her yourself, he can’t see her now, he’s in too much pain.’
‘No, I’m not,’ said Alyosha, ‘I can easily talk to her…’
‘What! You’re going to leave me? How can you?’
‘Why not? As soon as I’ve seen her, I’ll come back and we can continue chatting as long as you like. But I really would like to see Katerina Ivanovna without delay because, whatever happens, I’d like to get back to the monastery as soon as possible this very day.’
‘Mama, get rid of him at once! Aleksei Fyodorovich, don’t bother to come back after you’ve seen Katerina Ivanovna, go straight to your monastery, and good riddance! I want to sleep, I haven’t slept all night.’
‘Oh Lise,’ exclaimed Mrs Khokhlakova, ‘is this another one of your jokes? Unless, perhaps, you really should go and have a good sleep!’
‘I don’t know that I…’, Alyosha mumbled. ‘I’ll stay another three minutes, even five, if you wish.’
‘Even five! Show him the door at once, mama, he’s a monster!’
‘Are you out of your mind, Lise? Let’s go, Aleksei Fyodorovich, she’s so capricious today, I don’t want to excite her too much. A temperamental woman can be so trying, Aleksei Fyodorovich! Come to think of it, she really may want to sleep. It must have been something you did that made her feel so sleepy while you were here, well done!’
‘Oh mama, you say such kind things, I want to kiss you for it, dear mama.’
‘Me too, Lise. Listen, Aleksei Fyodorovich,’ Mrs Khokhlakova began in a rapid conspiratorial whisper as she left the room with Alyosha, ‘I don’t wa
nt to influence you or deliberately reveal what’s going on, but see for yourself what the situation is, it’s simply awful, it’s the most incredible comedy. Even though she loves your brother Ivan Fyodorovich, she’s trying to convince herself that she loves your brother Dmitry Fyodorovich instead. It’s awful! I’ll accompany you, and if I’m not thrown out I’ll stay and see how it all ends.’
5
CRISIS IN THE DRAWING-ROOM
THE conversation in the drawing-room was already coming to an end, however; although Katerina Ivanovna appeared resolute, she was extremely agitated. As Alyosha and Mrs Khokhlakova came into the room, Ivan Fyodorovich had already got up, ready to leave. His face was rather pale, and Alyosha glanced at him apprehensively. The fact was that an uncertainty, an enigma which had been worrying Alyosha for some time was about to be cleared up. For about a month now various people had been telling him that his brother Ivan was in love with Katerina Ivanovna and, what is more, was prepared to ‘steal’ her from Mitya. Until very recently this had seemed monstrous to Alyosha, and had caused him a great deal of anxiety. He loved both his brothers and was horrified by the thought of such rivalry between them. The day before, however, Dmitry Fyodorovich had suddenly announced to him that he himself was even glad of Ivan’s rivalry, and that it could be of considerable help to him. But in what way? To marry Grushenka? Alyosha regarded this as a desperate last measure. Quite apart from all this, until the previous night Alyosha had been firmly convinced that Katerina Ivanovna herself was deeply and passionately in love with Dmitry—but this belief had lasted only until the previous evening. On top of everything, he could not help feeling that she was incapable of loving someone like Ivan, but that she loved his brother Dmitry deeply and passionately just as he was, however preposterous that might seem. The previous night, however, after the scene with Grushenka, another idea had occurred to him. The word ‘disaster’ which Mrs Khokhlakova had just used almost made him shudder, because he had woken at dawn that very morning and, while still half asleep and probably in response to a dream, had suddenly burst out, ‘Disaster, disaster!’ All night long he had in fact been dreaming of this scene at Katerina Ivanovna’s. And now, when Alyosha considered Mrs Khokhlakova’s direct and insistent assertion that Katerina Ivanovna loved Ivan but that, as a result of a deep emotional crisis and a peculiar sense of gratitude, she continued in some kind of bizarre game perversely to delude and torture herself with a fanciful love for Dmitry, he was completely taken aback: ‘Yes, perhaps that really is the truth of the matter! So where does that leave Ivan?’ Alyosha instinctively felt that a woman such as Katerina Ivanovna had an overwhelming need to dominate, but that she could only dominate someone like Dmitry and never someone like Ivan. For although Dmitry might in the long run submit himself to her, for his own happiness of course (which Alyosha could even have wished for), Ivan would never submit to her, nor could such a submission possibly bring him happiness. Alyosha somehow could not help thinking this way about Ivan. All these doubts and considerations flashed through his mind now, as he entered the drawing-room. There was also another thought that went through his mind suddenly and irresistibly: what if she didn’t love either of them? I must point out that Alyosha blamed himself for such thoughts, and had been ashamed whenever he had entertained them during the past month. ‘What do I know of love and of women,’ he reproached himself every time he thought or surmised in that way, ‘and how can I draw such conclusions?’ And yet he could not rid himself of such thoughts. He instinctively understood that now, for instance, this question of rivalry was of profound importance in the life of his brothers, and that much would depend on it. ‘Let dog eat dog’ his brother Ivan had said angrily yesterday, speaking of their brother Dmitry and their father. So, in Ivan’s eyes, Dmitry was that proverbial dog, and perhaps had been so for a long time. Ever since, perhaps, Ivan had got to know Katerina Ivanovna? Of course, Ivan had let slip the words involuntarily, but that made them all the more significant. If that was so, how could there be talk of peace? On the contrary, did this not provide new grounds for enmity and hatred within their family? But above all, which one of them should he, Alyosha, pity? What words of encouragement could he offer either of them? He loved them both, but what could he say to them in the face of such contradictions? It was easy to become totally lost in all this confusion, but Alyosha’s heart could not tolerate uncertainty, because his love was always of an active kind. He could not love passively; once he began to love he immediately had to offer help. But to do this he had to set a goal, he had to establish firmly what would be in the best interests of each and what exactly they both needed, and then, having assured himself of the validity of this goal, he would have to help each of them individually. But instead of a definite goal there was only confusion and uncertainty at every turn. The word ‘disaster’ had been spoken! But what could he possibly understand of this disaster? Right from the word go, everything he came across in this confusion defied his understanding!
When Katerina Ivanovna caught sight of Alyosha she turned joyfully to Ivan Fyodorovich, who had already got to his feet and was about to leave.
‘Don’t go straightaway,’ she said, ‘stay just one more moment. I want to hear the opinion of this gentleman, whom I trust with all my heart. Katerina Osipovna,’ she added, turning to Mrs Khokhlakova, ‘why don’t you stay too.’ She bade Alyosha sit down next to her, while Mrs Khokhlakova took the seat opposite, next to Ivan Fyodorovich.
‘You are my friends, the only ones I have in the whole world, my dear friends,’ she began in a voice shaking with emotion. She was on the verge of tears, which made Alyosha’s heart go out to her again in sympathy. ‘Yesterday, Aleksei Fyodorovich, you witnessed that… scene, and you saw the state I was in. Ivan Fyodorovich, you didn’t see it; he did. What he must have thought of me yesterday, I don’t know, but I do know that if the same thing happened today, at this very moment, I would say exactly the same as I did yesterday—the same sentiments, the same words, the same gestures. You remember, Aleksei Fyodorovich, what I did, because you yourself restrained me at one point…’ As she said this, blood rushed to her face and her eyes flashed. ‘You might as well know, Aleksei Fyodorovich, that I cannot reconcile myself to anything. Listen, Aleksei Fyodorovich, I don’t even know whether I love him now. To me, he’s just pathetic, and that’s no basis for love. If I loved him, if I continued to love him, I probably wouldn’t pity him, I’d hate him instead…’
Her voice faltered, and tear-drops glistened on her eyelashes. Alyosha shuddered inwardly: ‘This young woman’, he thought, ‘is sincere and she is telling the truth, and… and she no longer loves Dmitry!’
‘Yes! That’s right!’ exclaimed Mrs Khokhlakova.
‘Wait, my dear Katerina Osipovna, I haven’t come to my main point yet, I haven’t told you what I finally decided during the night. I appreciate that my decision will perhaps spell disaster for me, but I know that as long as I live I’ll never, never alter it, I shan’t change my mind. My kind, my good, my ever-constant and noble counsellor and great diviner of human hearts, the only friend I have in the world, Ivan Fyodorovich, supports me in everything and agrees with my decision… He knows what it is.’
‘Yes,’ said Ivan Fyodorovich quietly but firmly, ‘I agree with it.’
‘But I wish that Alyosha too (oh, Aleksei Fyodorovich, forgive me for calling you simply Alyosha), I wish that Aleksei Fyodorovich would also tell me, in front of my two friends, whether I am right or not? I feel instinctively that you, Alyosha, dear brother (because you are a dear brother to me),’ she repeated rapturously, clasping his cold hand in her warm fingers, ‘I feel that your decision, your approval, will bring me peace in spite of all my suffering, because after you have spoken I shall not say another word and shall accept my fate—I feel sure of this!’
‘I don’t know what it is you’re going to ask me,’ Alyosha said, blushing, ‘I only know that I love you and wish you more happiness now than I could possibly wish for myself!… But I rea
lly don’t know anything at all about these matters…’, he added, for some reason hurriedly.
‘In these matters, Aleksei Fyodorovich,’ she began solemnly, ‘in these matters, the most important thing now is honour and duty, and I don’t know what else, perhaps something higher, higher even than duty itself. In my heart of hearts I feel there is an even higher sentiment which urges me on relentlessly. To put it very simply, in a couple of words, I’ve already made up my mind, even if he does marry that… creature, whom I shall never be able to forgive, I shall never leave him! From now on I shall never, never leave him!’ she said, her voice quivering in barely concealed anguish. ‘What I mean to say is that I’m not going to chase after him, or irritate him constantly by my presence, or be a burden to him—oh no, I shall go and live in another town, no matter where, but all my life long I shall keep track of him whatever happens. And when he becomes unhappy with her, which he is bound to, then let him come to me, and he will find a friend, a sister… Only a sister, of course, and nothing more, but he will discover at long last that there is someone who really is a true sister to him, who loves him and has sacrificed her whole life for him. I shall not relent, I shall persist until finally he begins to understand me and learns to confide in me without any inhibition!’ She spoke in a kind of frenzy. ‘I’ll be the god to whom he will pray—and that is the least he can do for having betrayed me, and for what I had to go through for his sake yesterday. And let him see, as long as he lives, that I shall remain faithful to him till I die, and shall remain true to my word in spite of his infidelity and betrayal. I’ll… I’ll simply be the means by which he attains his happiness, or, how shall I put it, the instrument, the vehicle for his happiness, and this I shall be for life, his whole life, and he should not lose sight of this as long as he lives! That’s my decision! Ivan Fyodorovich supports me completely.’
The Karamazov Brothers Page 30
