‘He’s been talking about some sort of hymns in there’, she resumed, ‘about the cross he has to carry, about some sort of duty; I remember Ivan Fyodorovich talking a lot about that—and if you could have heard how he talked,’ Katya exclaimed suddenly, with unrestrained emotion, ‘if you could have seen how much he loved the poor man at that moment, as he was telling me about him, how much, at the same time as he hated him perhaps! And I, oh, at that time I listened to his story and observed his tears with a disdainful smile! Talk of being rotten! It’s I who’s been the snake in the grass, I! It was I who caused his fever! And the other one, the one who’s been sentenced, can you see him as a martyr?’ Katya concluded angrily. ‘He doesn’t know the meaning of the word. His kind don’t martyr themselves!’
A kind of hatred and scornful revulsion had crept into these words. And yet it was she who had betrayed him. ‘Well, perhaps it’s because she feels so guilty about him that she hates him at times,’ Alyosha thought to himself. He wanted it to be only ‘at times’. He had recognized a challenge in Katya’s words, but he did not rise to it.
‘That’s why I asked you to come today, to get you to promise me that you’d persuade him. Or do you think running away would be wrong, not heroic enough, or, as they say… not the Christian thing?’ she added even more challengingly.
‘No, it’s all right. I’ll tell him everything,’ Alyosha muttered. ‘He wants you to go and see him today,’ he added suddenly, looking her straight in the eyes. She shook all over, and recoiled slightly from him as they sat on the sofa.
‘Me… is it really possible?’
‘It is possible and you must!’ Alyosha began determinedly, enthusiastically. ‘He needs you very much, especially now. I wouldn’t have brought this up and caused you premature suffering, if it weren’t unavoidable. He’s ill, he’s like a madman, and he keeps asking for you. He’s not asking you to come for a reconciliation, just to come and appear at the door. He’s changed a lot since the trial. He understands how grievously he’s wronged you. He doesn’t ask your forgiveness. He says himself, “I can’t be forgiven,” but he just wants you to come to the door…’
‘Suddenly you…’, stammered Katya, ‘I’ve had a feeling for days you’d come and ask me that… I knew he’d send for me!.. It’s impossible!’
‘It may be impossible, but go. Remember, he has just realized for the first time how deeply he has offended you; he never fully understood it before! He says that if you refuse to come, he’ll be unhappy for the rest of his life. You hear that; a man condemned to twenty years’ hard labour still dreams of being happy—doesn’t that make you pity him? Remember,’ Alyosha burst out, challenging her, ‘you’ll be visiting a convicted man who is innocent. His hands are clean, there is no blood on them! Think of the endless suffering he will have to endure, and go and visit him now! Go to him, give him the strength to face the dark… stand in the doorway and just… Really, you have to do this, you must!’ Alyosha concluded, putting particular stress on the word ‘must’.
‘I must, but… I can’t,’ Katya almost groaned, ‘he’ll look at me… I can’t do it.’
‘You have to look him in the eyes. How are you going to live the rest of your life if you don’t make up your mind to do this now?’
‘I’d rather suffer all my life.’
‘You have to go, you must,’ Alyosha insisted again, implacably.
‘But why today, why now?.. I can’t leave my patient…’
‘You can for a minute. It won’t take long. If you don’t go, he’ll work himself up into such a state by tonight. I’m not lying to you. Have pity!’
‘You should have pity on me,’ Katya reproached him bitterly, and burst into tears.
‘So you’ll go!’ said Alyosha, unmoved by her tears. ‘I’ll go and tell him you’re coming.’
‘No, whatever you do, don’t tell him!’ Katya cried, horrified. ‘I’ll go, but don’t tell him I’m coming; I’ll definitely go, but perhaps I won’t go in… I just don’t know…’
Her voice broke. She was breathing heavily. Alyosha got up to leave.
‘But what if someone’s there?’ she said quietly, suddenly going very pale again.
‘That’s why you must go at once, so that you won’t meet anyone there. No one will be there, I assure you. We’ll be expecting you,’ he concluded emphatically, and left the room.
2
FOR A MOMENT A LIE BECOMES THE TRUTH
ALYOSHA hurried to the hospital where Mitya had been admitted. Two days after the end of the trial he had fallen ill with nervous exhaustion and had been admitted to the prison ward in our town hospital. But in response to a request from Alyosha and many others, including Mrs Khokhlakova and Lise, Dr Varvinsky had not put him with the other prisoners, but in the same side ward where Smerdyakov had lain. A guard stood at the end of the corridor and the window was barred, so Varvinsky did not lose any sleep over breaking the prison rules. He was a kind and sympathetic young man, and he understood how hard it would be for someone like Mitya to be thrust into the company of murderers and criminals, and that he would need time to adjust. Both doctors and guards—and even the chief of police—turned a blind eye to visits from relatives and friends. But during these days only Alyosha and Grushenka had visited Mitya. Rakitin had tried to see him twice, but Mitya had asked Dr Varvinsky not to admit him.
Alyosha found him sitting on his bed in a hospital dressing-gown, with a slight fever and with a towel soaked in vinegar and water wrapped round his head. He looked at Alyosha vaguely, but somehow there was a brief hint of fear in his glance.
Since the trial he had generally become very morose. He would sometimes remain silent for up to half an hour, apparently turning some weighty and distressing matter over in his mind, and quite oblivious of his surroundings. If he did emerge from his stupor and begin to speak, he talked disjointedly and with absolutely no reference to things that were really important. Sometimes he looked miserably at his brother. He seemed to find it easier to be in Grushenka’s company than with Alyosha. It is true that he never talked to her, but as soon as she came in his whole face was suffused with joy. Alyosha sat down next to him on the bed and said nothing. He had been waiting anxiously for Alyosha this time, but he did not dare to ask anything. He could not imagine that Katya would agree to visit him, and yet he felt that if she did not come life would be quite unbearable. Alyosha understood how he felt.
‘They say’, Mitya began, playing for time, ‘that Trifon Borisych has totally demolished his inn; he’s taken up the floorboards, ripped the panels off the walls, they say he’s taken the whole gallery apart—he keeps looking for the treasure, that money, the one thousand five hundred that the prosecutor said I’d hidden there. Ever since he got back he’s been behaving like a madman. Serves the crook right! The guard here told me about it; he comes from there.’
‘Listen,’ said Alyosha, ‘she’s coming, but I don’t know when, maybe today, maybe in a day or two, I don’t know, but she’s coming, that’s for sure.’
Mitya shuddered, started to say something, but then fell silent. The news had a terrible effect upon him. He obviously desperately wanted to find out in detail about the conversation, but he was afraid to ask now; anything cruel and scornful from Katya would have been like a knife in his heart at that moment.
‘By the way, she told me to be sure to put your mind at rest about escaping. If Ivan isn’t better in time, she’ll see to it herself.’
‘You’ve already told me that,’ said Mitya thoughtfully.
‘And you’ve already told Grusha,’ commented Alyosha.
‘Yes,’ Mitya admitted. ‘She isn’t coming this morning,’ he looked nervously at his brother. ‘She isn’t coming till this evening. When I told her yesterday that Katya was arranging things she didn’t say anything, but simply made a face. She just whispered, “Not her again!” She understood that it was important. I didn’t dare pursue it any further. Anyway, she seems to understand now that Katya loves Iva
n, not me, doesn’t she?’
‘Is that true?’ Alyosha burst out.
‘Perhaps not. Anyway, she isn’t coming this morning,’ Mitya repeated quickly. ‘I’ve asked her to do something… Listen, Ivan’s going to come out of this better than us. He’s the one who’ll survive, not us. He’ll recover.’
‘You know, Katya has been terribly worried about him, but she too is almost certain he’s going to recover,’ said Alyosha.
‘That means she’s convinced he’s going to die. It’s just fear that makes her think he’s getting better.’
‘Ivan’s got a strong constitution. I too hope he’ll get better,’ Alyosha remarked in troubled tones.
‘Yes, he’ll get better, but that one is convinced he’s going to die. She’s really unhappy…’
Silence fell. Something very important was gnawing away at Mitya.
‘Alyosha, I love Grushenka terribly,’ he said suddenly, in a voice that shook with sobs.
‘They won’t let her be with you there,’ Alyosha interjected.
‘And there’s something else I wanted to say to you,’ Mitya went on in a voice that was suddenly vibrant, ‘if anyone tries to assault me on the way or when I’m out there, I shan’t let him, I’ll kill him, and they’ll shoot me. And I’ll get twenty years, you know! Even here they don’t show me any respect. The guards never address me properly. All last night I lay there taking stock; I’m not ready for it! I can’t accept it! I was ready to sing my “hymn”, and besides, I can’t stand the guards’ familiarity! For Grusha I’d have put up with anything, anything… except, perhaps, a beating… but they won’t let her go there.’
Alyosha smiled gently.
‘Listen, Mitya,’ he said, ‘I’ll tell you what I think about this once and for all. And you know I wouldn’t lie to you. Just listen: you’re not ready to carry such a cross. And, what’s more, there’s no need for you, unprepared as you are, to carry such a heavy cross. If you had killed father, I should regret your refusal to take up your cross. But you’re innocent, and such a cross is far too heavy for you. You wanted through your suffering to resurrect another man within yourself; just think of that other man all your life, wherever you may have to go—and in my view that’ll be enough. The fact that you refused to carry that heavy cross will serve simply to arouse an even greater feeling of responsibility in you, and from then on, all your life, that feeling will help to resurrect your soul even more—more, perhaps, than if you had actually gone there. Because you wouldn’t last out there, you’d rail against it, and in the end perhaps you’d say “I give up.” The lawyer was quite right. It’s not given to everyone to bear the heaviest burden; for some it’s impossible… That’s my opinion for what it’s worth. If others—officers, soldiers—had to answer for your escape, I should not “give you permission” to escape,’ said Alyosha with a smile. ‘But they assure me (the route commander himself told Ivan) that if we go about it the right way it won’t cause too much fuss and those involved will get off lightly. Of course, bribery is dishonourable, even in these circumstances, but I’m in no position to judge on this point because, to tell the truth, if Ivan and Katya were to ask me for example to fix it for you, I know that I would go and bribe whoever I had to; I must be honest. And that’s why I shan’t judge you, ever. Remember, I shall never condemn you. And anyway, that’s inconceivable; how could I be your judge in this matter? Well, I think I’ve covered everything.’
‘But I will be my own judge!’ exclaimed Mitya. ‘I shall make a break for it—that was already decided, without you; they can’t keep Mitka Karamazov down, can they? But I shall condemn myself nevertheless, and I shall spend the rest of my life atoning for my sins! Isn’t that the way the Jesuits talk—the way we’re talking now?’
‘Yes,’ Alyosha smiled gently.
‘I love you because you always tell the whole truth and never hide anything!’ exclaimed Mitya, laughing joyfully. ‘So there is a Jesuit lurking in my Alyosha after all! I should give you a kiss for that! Well now, listen to the rest, I’ll reveal the other half of my soul to you. I’ve thought it out and this is what I’ve decided: if I escape, even with money and a passport, even if I get to America, I shall be reassured by the thought that I’m escaping not to find joy or happiness, but in truth to another kind of punishment, just as harsh as here! Just as harsh, I tell you honestly, Aleksei, just as harsh! I know America, to hell with it, and I hate it before I’ve even been there. Grusha can come with me, but look at her: could she be American? She’s Russian, Russian to the core, she’ll pine for her homeland, and every hour of the day I’ll have to watch and know that it’s because of me she’s unhappy, because of me she’s taken up such a cross—what has she done to deserve it? And I’m afraid that those cowboys over there will prove to be too much for me, even though every last one of them is perhaps better than me! I hate America already! They may have the most incredible engineers, but to hell with them, they’re not my sort of people, not kindred spirits! It’s Russia I love, Aleksei, I love the Russian God, although I’m a scoundrel! Yes, I shall give up the ghost there!’ he exclaimed, his eyes suddenly flashing. His voice shook with emotions.
‘So, this is what I’ve decided, Alyosha, listen!’ he resumed, having overcome his emotion. ‘Grusha and I will go there—and we’ll plough the land, we’ll work by ourselves among the wild bears, in some distant part. There must be some deserted corner over there! They say there are still some redskins somewhere, in the back of beyond—that’s where we’ll go, to the land of the last of the Mohicans. And we’ll start learning the language straight away, Grusha and I. Nothing but work and grammar for at least three years. In three years we’ll have learnt to speak English like real English people. And as soon as we’ve learnt it—that’ll be the end of America for us! We’ll come back here to Russia, as American citizens. Don’t worry, we won’t show our faces here. We’ll go into hiding somewhere in the far north or down south. I’ll have changed by that time, and so will she; I’ll get a doctor over there in America to fix me up with a wart—they’re full of tricks over there. Or else I’ll poke out one of my eyes and grow a grey beard down to my waist (I’ll go grey from homesickness), and hope no one will recognize me. And if I’m recognized, they can send me to the salt-mines—so what, it doesn’t matter! Here too we’ll plough the land somewhere in the back of beyond, and I’ll pass myself off as an American for the rest of my life. At least we’ll die in our native land. That’s my plan and I won’t change it. Do you approve?’
‘Yes,’ said Alyosha, not wanting to contradict him. Mitya was silent for a moment, and then he said suddenly:
‘They really had it in for me at the trial, didn’t they? They really did the dirty on me!’
‘Even if they hadn’t rigged it, you’d have been found guilty,’ sighed Alyosha.
‘Yes, the people here have had enough of me! Anyway, who cares about them, but it’s hard all the same!’ Mitya groaned miserably.
They fell silent again for a while.
‘Alyosha, put me out of my misery here and now!’ Mitya burst out. ‘Tell me, is she coming today or not? What did she say? And how did she sound?’
‘She said she’d come, but I don’t know if it’ll be today. It’s not easy for her, you know,’ Alyosha looked apprehensively at his brother.
‘Of course it isn’t, how could it be easy. Alyosha, this will drive me mad. Grusha keeps looking at me. She understands. Oh, Lord God, make me humble; what am I asking for? I’m asking for Katya! Do I know what I’m asking? This wretched Karamazov impetuosity! No, I’m incapable of accepting suffering! I’m a scoundrel, and there’s nothing more to be said!’
‘Here she is!’ said Alyosha.
At that instant Katya appeared in the doorway. She stood there gazing at Mitya for a moment in a kind of bewilderment. He leapt to his feet in a flash, his face paled and he looked terrified, but at once a timid, pleading smile flitted across his lips and, suddenly, impetuously, he stretched both hands out to Kat
ya. When she saw that, she rushed to him. She seized his hands, pushed him almost forcibly on to the bed, and sat down next to him, still holding his hands and squeezing them convulsively. They both attempted to speak several times, but stopped and went on gazing silently at each other, smiling strangely, as though transfixed; about two minutes passed.
‘Have you forgiven me or not?’ Mitya muttered at last, and the very next moment, turning to Alyosha, his face contorted with joy, he cried out:
‘You heard what I asked, you heard!’
‘That’s why I loved you, because you always had a generous heart!’ Katya burst out suddenly. ‘And you don’t need my forgiveness, it is I who need yours; but it doesn’t matter whether you forgive me or not, you will be a festering sore in my soul all my life, and I in yours—that’s how it has to be,’ she stopped for breath.
‘Why did I come?’ she began again, frantically and hurriedly. ‘To kiss your feet, to squeeze your hands, like this, till it hurts; do you remember how I used to squeeze them in Moscow, telling you again that you were a god to me, that you were my joy, that I loved you hopelessly?’ she groaned miserably, and suddenly pressed her lips to Mitya’s hand hungrily. Tears flooded from her eyes.
Alyosha stood silent and embarrassed; in no way had he expected what he was now witnessing.
‘Love has passed, Mitya,’ Katya began again, ‘but that which has been is still so dear it hurts me. Remember that for ever. But now, for one brief moment, let’s pretend what might have been,’ she murmured with a crooked smile, gazing joyfully into his eyes once more. ‘You love another now, and so do I, but I shall always love you all the same, and you me; did you know that? Listen, you must love me, love me all your life!’ she cried, her voice trembling almost threateningly.
The Karamazov Brothers Page 115
