I was shocked when I had to swallow the emotion clogging my throat. My little brother had not only grown up, he’d turned into a stand-up guy any woman would be proud to call her husband. “Mom would be proud of you, you know,” I said, curling my hand around his neck as I brought his head closer to mine.
He was only eight when we lost our mom, and sometimes I feared he would forget her. That’s why we always worked so hard to keep her memory alive through stories and photos, because we never wanted to forget.
“You think she’d be proud of the way you’re treating Riley?”
Leave it to one of my brothers to kick me when I’m down.
“Ryker’s always telling us that Mom wanted us to treat women with respect because the old man never treated her right.”
“What’s your point, kid?” Though I knew the point he was trying to make. “I’m nothing like the old man, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“Aren’t you?” Nex asked, his eyes narrowing. “If there’s one thing I do remember, it’s that he used to lose his whole paycheck in those weekly card games. Mom would cry herself to sleep ‘cause she didn’t know how we were going to pay the rent or buy groceries.”
I didn’t like to think about my father playing cards. It reminded me there were some similarities between us. Maybe too many. But there was one fundamental difference: he’d lost his shirt playing poker while I struck it rich.
“I hear what you’re saying.”
“Do you?” Nex stared at me, daring me to be the one to break eye contact. “I realize your future may not be with Riley, for reasons I’ll never understand, but don’t you owe it to her and yourself to honor what you had?”
God, he was right. I was acting like a jerk, lashing out at her because I wasn’t ready to let go of her. I didn’t want her to move on without me, but that didn’t mean I had the right to make her life miserable. Not after all the years she’d spent making me happier than I’d ever been.
I raised my right hand. “I’ll be on my best behavior from now on. I swear.”
Nex smiled slowly before curling his arm around my neck and walking me toward the plane. “You better. ‘Cause I will kick your ass, you know.”
I laughed, elbowing him in the stomach. “Yeah, good luck with that, little brother.”
Chapter Three
Riley
I stood by Jaci’s side as she oohed and awed over the venue. I’d suggested the place because I’d arranged a wedding there for a couple last year, and it was so breathtaking I’d decided if I ever had to plan another destination wedding over the holidays, this would be my go-to spot.
“I’m so glad you like it,” I said, putting my arm around Jaci. Everyone else was getting settled into their rooms, but Jaci couldn’t wait for me to show her around the property.
“I love it!” Jaci spun in a slow circle, taking in the high ceilings, natural wood, and wall-to-wall windows of the small building where they would exchange their wedding vows in a few days. “Pictures and video really don’t do this place justice.”
“I know. I was blown away the first time I saw it.” It made me think about a non-traditional destination wedding for myself, when that day came.
I glanced up at the altar, trying to picture myself exchanging vows with Stephan, but his face was quickly replaced with Brody’s, and I closed my eyes, trying to block it out.
“Hey, are you okay?” Jaci asked.
I swallowed as I walked up the few steps to the elevated altar. Looking out one of two windows bordering the sacred space, I admired the breathtaking, snow-capped mountains in the distance.
“I’m fine,” I lied. Planning the wedding of someone else’s dreams was getting harder every year, even though my life revolved around my business.
“I’m sorry for the way Brody acted on the plane.”
I turned to her, forcing a smile. She was the bride. It was my job to make this as stress-free as possible for her. The last thing she should be thinking about was my interactions with my ex-boyfriend. “It’s okay, I’m used to it.”
“Did he treat you that way when you were together?”
I wrapped my arms around my mid-section as I walked down the aisle, imagining the long red carpet laid out. “No, he treated me like…” It was still difficult to reconcile the man he’d been with the man he was now. He’d been so happy then. Now he seemed bitter and angry at the world. “His princess. My parents couldn’t understand what I saw in him, but they didn’t know him the way I did. They didn’t see the way he treated me, how much he loved me.”
That’s why it was so hard for me to let go of what we had, because I couldn’t imagine another man treating me the way he had. He’d acted like it was his mission to make all of my dreams come true. If my eyes wandered to a pretty bracelet or dress in a store window when we were walking by, he would gift it to me days later. Even when he was pumping gas for a living, he found ways to spoil me, to let me know how much he valued me and our relationship.
“Does Stephan treat you that way?” Jaci asked, looking up at me as she sat in one of the polished wood pews.
“It’s funny, my sister just asked me that question yesterday.”
“And? What did you tell her?”
“That what Stephan and I have is different.” I’d been trying to convince myself it was a mature love between two adults, not the kind of intense, passionate love only teenagers can experience, where you believe the world will end without the other person in your life. “We’re not kids anymore. How can I expect what I have with him to be like what I had with Brody? Brody and I were kids when we started dating.”
I laughed at the memory of our first date. “I wasn’t even allowed to date the first time I snuck out my bedroom window to be with him. We were too young to drive, but he took Ryker’s truck anyhow. We held hands and kissed and it was…” I closed my eyes, gripping the edge of a pew. “It was wonderful.”
“You must have a lot of good memories after so many years together?”
I rarely allowed myself to think about the best days I’d spent with Brody. It was easier to think about the worst. The bitter fights and harsh words I knew neither of us could ever forget. “There’s a reason we’re not together anymore, Jaci. I can’t let myself forget that.”
Someone cleared their throat, and my cheeks burned when I looked up to find Brody standing there watching me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I was hoping we could talk?”
I wasn’t used to seeing a humble, uncertain Brody. It made me question whether he’d been coerced into coming to see me by his well-meaning family.
“I think that’s a great idea,” Jaci said, jumping up. “I have to check in with everyone anyhow, make sure they’re all getting settled in. We’re going to meet for dinner in a couple of hours, right?” Jaci asked, consulting her watch.
I nodded, unable to take my eyes off Brody. “I think our reservation is for six.”
“Great.” Jaci squeezed Brody’s arm as she passed him. “I’ll see you guys then.”
There was a beat of silence before he sighed, sticking his hands in the pockets of his black dress pants. Brody always dressed to impress these days, not like the teenager whose uniform was jeans, T-shirts, running shoes, and baseball caps worn backward.
“About what happened on the plane…”
My first impulse was to tell him to forget it because I had, but I wanted to hear what he had to say. “What about it?”
“I was out of line. I’m sorry.”
It had been a long time since I’d heard him utter those two little words, and hearing them somehow made it a little easier to breathe. I wasn’t foolish enough to think we could ever be friends again, but I didn’t want to be his enemy either. Not after everything we’d meant to each other. “I understand.”
“Do you?”
His eyes caught mine, and the anguish I saw in his made my heart ache. I’d never wanted to hurt him, yet I had. “I’
m sorry too, Brody. I never imagined things going down this way.”
“Seeing you with him like that…” He shook his head as he closed his eyes. “It was just too much. I couldn’t handle it. I know I had no right to react the way I did. You weren’t my girlfriend anymore, hadn’t been in a long time. Not really. But I guess I just always took solace in the fact that you’d never shared yourself with anyone else, so that had to mean you still belonged to me.”
I knew it wasn’t easy for Brody to talk about his feelings, so I was hanging on his every word, praying he wouldn’t stop talking until he’d said everything that was in his heart.
“I couldn’t pretend anymore, not after I saw you with him… like that.”
He bit his lip as he glanced out the window. The scenery, with powdery snow stretching out as far as the eye could see and sparkly ice clinging to the tree branches, was striking, but I doubted he could even see it. He was somewhere else, lost in a memory.
“I’d convinced myself that you were mine,” he said, finally forcing himself to glance my way again. “Until that day, I still believed it. But seeing you with him, half-dressed, knowing you’d just made love to him, I couldn’t pretend you were mine anymore. You’re his now.”
I drew a shaky breath, preparing to argue that I was my own person, that I didn’t belong to anyone. But that lie died on my lips. I’d belonged to him once, just as he’d belonged to me. “We both knew we’d have to move on eventually,” I said, trying to cushion the blow in a way I hadn’t been able to when we broke up because he was too hurt and angry to listen to reason. “We want different things out of life, Brody. You want to be on the road, doing what you do. And I want to stay close to home. I want a family.”
“A family?”
He swallowed, his eyes slowly drifting over my body in the most intimate way, reminding me that he knew every single inch of me in a way no one else ever would. He’d helped me discover my sexuality, taught me what I liked and didn’t like. Showed me how to push the boundaries to find untold pleasure.
“Yeah, I guess that’s the next logical step for you, isn’t it?” This time there was no bitterness in his voice, only quiet resignation. “I just want you to know, all those times we talked about having a family together, I wasn’t lying or pretending, leading you to believe I could when I knew I couldn’t. I really thought…” He shook his head. “Well, if it had been anyone, it would have been with you. You have to know that.”
“I do.”
I licked my lips, wondering how much I should say. Part of me wanted to let him go now, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. This may be our last chance to say the things we should have said years ago. The word closure echoed in my ears and I knew that’s what this was.
Closure.
“People change,” I said, wanting him to know I understood, that I didn’t hold it against him anymore. “You changed.” I didn’t want it to sound like a criticism, just a statement of fact. “I guess I did too.”
“No, you didn’t change. You’re still the same kind, sweet girl I fell in love with, Ri.”
Ri. He was the only person who called me that, and just hearing him say it reminded me how much I missed my best friend, the one person who knew me better than anyone else.
“I want you to be happy. I know we’ve both said some nasty, hateful things to each other, but I do want you to be happy. It’s important to me that you know that, that you believe it.”
He seemed speechless before he finally found his voice. “How the hell am I supposed to do that without you?” He held up two fingers. “For me, Riley and happiness have always been synonymous. I can’t have one without the other.”
My heart swelled with emotion, with the love and adoration I still felt for this man, the appreciation I felt for his raw honesty, knowing how hard it was for him to put it all out there the way he was now.
“You can. You have to. I can’t be happy if I think you’re miserable.”
“Are you happy?” he whispered. “Are you really happy with him?”
A cry tore from my throat before I could contain it, forcing me to cover my mouth with a trembling hand. When he took a step toward me, presumably to comfort me, I shook my head, taking a step back.
“If not him, then who? I can’t have you, Brody. Not the way I want you, and I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. So if not him, then who?”
When he couldn’t answer me, I ran past him, knowing it wouldn’t matter if he saw my tears now. He already knew the truth: I wasn’t over him.
Chapter Four
Jaci
“I feel so guilty for putting Riley and Brody through this,” I said to Nex, his brothers, and Mac as we all gathered for a drink before dinner. My family was still in their rooms. Since they’d flown commercial from Georgia, they claimed they needed a nap before we all met in the dining room for dinner. “Maybe a destination wedding was a bad idea.”
Ryker shook his head. “Trust me, Jaci. You did those two a favor bringing them together like this. They needed to air their grievances. Brody’s been on a slippery slope, headed for self-destruction ever since he found out about Riley and the doc.”
I wanted to believe my future brother-in-law was right, that I was doing the right thing bringing them back together, but I feared they’d both end up hating me for subjecting them to this by the time it was over.
“They were in the chapel talking a little while ago,” I said. “Has anyone seen them?”
“Yeah, I saw Brody in the hall when I was coming out of my room,” Gabe said. “He said he was gonna grab a shower and change before dinner.”
“Enough about them,” Mackenzie said, smiling at me. “This is about the two of you. This place is spectacular, don’t you think?”
I burrowed further into my fiancé’s arms, watching the flames dance in the stone fireplace we were all crowded around. The lobby consisted of a large lounge with high ceilings, warm wood trim, stone accents, and leather furniture. The perfect place to stretch out and relax while enjoying a drink.
“It’s perfect,” I said, feeling happier than I could ever remember being. “Riley was right about this place.” Looking around at the group, I said, “I can’t thank you enough for braving the cold and snow for us.”
“Are you kidding?” Kane said, laughing. “Snow at Christmas? What could be better? I’m thinking maybe we should come here every year for Christmas. We could celebrate your anniversary at the same time.”
“I am not celebrating my anniversary with you guys,” Nex said emphatically. “It’s bad enough Jaci made me invite you to the wedding.”
I slapped Nex’s leg amidst a few chuckles. I was used to their banter by now. Even though they were forever giving each other a hard time, their love for each other was obvious. I knew it was a sore subject, but it had to be on everyone’s mind. “I suggested inviting your dad to the wedding, but Nex wouldn’t hear of it.”
“Smart man,” Seb said, raising his beer bottle in a toast to his brother. “That deadbeat would ruin your wedding just like he ruined our lives growing up.”
I knew they still harbored a lot of resentment toward their father, rightly so, based on the stories Nex had told me. But a lot of years had passed since they’d seen him and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was still the same man they all remembered. “You guys don’t even know if he’s still alive. Aren’t you at all curious about what happened to him?”
Clenching his teeth, Nex said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if someone knocked him off over a gambling debt he couldn’t pay.”
“Gambling.” The irony wasn’t lost on me that Brody had chosen a profession that seemed to have been his father’s downfall. “Brody was old enough to remember your dad’s problem with gambling, so why would he have chosen to get into that line of work?”
“I don’t think it was a choice,” Ryker said, taking a long pull of his beer. “He started playing poker in college and realized he was really good at it. I mean,
he was cleaning up every weekend. Bringing in thousands of dollars a month.”
“Weren’t you guys concerned?” I asked, my eyes moving around the circle. “I mean, you’d seen what happened to your father, what the gambling did to him. Weren’t you worried it would end up being Brody’s downfall too?”
“I think it has been,” Seb said, glancing at his brothers. “Look at what it’s already cost him. Anyone can see he’s miserable.”
“He thought making a lot of money would make him happy,” Ryker said. “Then he thought earning the distinction as the best in the world would do it, but it hasn’t. He’s still chasing something; I just don’t think he knows what that is.”
“If you ask me, he’s afraid to give it up,” Kane said. “I mean, without that, who is he? What does he have? It’s been his passion for so long, his reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Without that, he probably thinks his life wouldn’t have any purpose.”
I understood that, but what about the woman he loved and the family she wanted to have with him? Couldn’t that be enough to make him happy for the rest of his life? “But Brody has enough money now to do anything he wants,” I argued. “Why doesn’t he just do something else?”
“What?” Nex asked. “That’s the problem. We all know there are a lot of options out there, but if you’re not compelled to follow any one path, it’s a mystery, right?”
“He’s right,” Kane said, looking at me. “My job’s dangerous as hell. There’ve been plenty of times when I’ve come home, literally shaking with adrenaline, wondering what the hell I’m doing by putting myself in the path of some madman’s gun for a paycheck. What woman would want to sign on for that, right? But if I didn’t do that, what would I do with my life?”
I couldn’t imagine kissing Nex good-bye in the morning, not knowing whether he’d come home at night, so I could understand why Kane would question why someone would want to sign on for a life of uncertainty with him.
Steele Brothers Christmas Page 3
