“The stars.” Her throat tightened for the beautiful words of a man who had dreams so beyond a life of a warrior. She walked over to a window and peered out. The cars were but specks on the street. They were so far up that no one would be able to get in the windows. Total security with the illusion of freedom and endless miles of room to run, locked down behind walls he could never get through.
Her big, tough Calydon warrior lived in fear. Not of bad guys or rogue Calydons, or even Ezekiel. For a long time, before he’d gone over the edge so recently, he’d clearly lived in fear of himself, of the demons that had been chasing him for so long. Her throat tightened as she rested her forehead against the thick panes of glass. “Is this bulletproof?”
“Yeah. And then some.”
She palmed the cool glass. It was hard and unforgiving against her hand. Nearly invisible, and yet far more impenetrable than even the hardest steel. “It would be extremely difficult to kill you with bullets.”
“I know.”
But he’d had it installed anyway. Forty-two stories up, and he’d installed glass that would keep out the world.
She thought of the fishing shack Dante had owned. A little building in the woods. No security or even doors. Just a mattress and a woodstove and a doorway in the front to allow access. Dante hadn’t been afraid of anything. Why should he have been? Nothing would have been enough to kill him.
Except her and Nate.
Elijah hadn’t moved to follow her. “You don’t like it.” He sounded restless, unsure of himself. Uncomfortable.
Ana turned to look at him. His shoulders were so wide, taking up such space even in the vast room. His jaw was covered in dark whiskers, and there was blood covering his clothes, though his body was fully healed. His feet were braced, and his hands were fisted at his sides, a warrior ready to spring. He wasn’t relaxed even in his own house, with protections everywhere.
There was a vulnerability in his eyes that surprised her, as if he was suddenly realizing how much of himself was revealed in his home. “No one ever comes here?”
He shook his head. “I like my privacy.”
“You like your secrets.”
His eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “What does that mean?”
Ana walked across the room to him and slid her arms around his waist, his body rigid and stiff against her. Even in this refuge he’d created for himself, he couldn’t relax. She sighed and rested her cheek against his chest. “It means,” she said, “I appreciate that you brought me here. I like it. It’s you, and that makes me feel good.”
His body relaxed slightly, and his hands went to her waist, finally accepting her presence in his home. “Okay, then.”
She was touched by the fact that Elijah had trusted her enough to bring her here, that he’d broken his rule of no visitors for her. This was his sanctuary, and he’d invited her in. She wondered what he would think of her home, of its imperfect, unsecure chaos. Would he see it as beautiful like she did?
Elijah kissed the top of her head, and Ana raised her face to his, expecting him to kiss her, but all he did was squeeze her waist and drop his hands. “Come on.” He headed across the room, leaving her to follow.
Well, okay then. Ana cleared her throat, willing away the sense of loss at his abrupt departure after the moment she’d thought was so intimate. He was tense and edgy, which she supposed was to be expected, given everything that was going on, but still. She’d gotten used to the constant touching, his need for her, and she missed it. She liked being needed by him. Quite honestly, no one had ever needed much from her before, and it was a good feeling.
But he didn’t need to touch her anymore, and he had stopped. Was all that physical intimacy between them gone, now that he wasn’t forced to touch her? Isolation rippled through her, and she feared she had begun to rely too much on their physical connection. She’d long ago stopped thinking of it as a requirement for his sanity. Instead, it had simply become natural, the way she wanted it to be when touching him.
Was that all gone? Had it all been an illusion?
Elijah paused at another doorway, waiting for her. “You coming?”
“Yes.” She straightened her shoulders and crossed the floor, her sneaker squeaking on the clean tile, while her cast made the familiar thumping noises. “Do you even have a cleaning person?”
“No. I don’t let anyone in here. Ever.” His gaze grew hooded. “Except you.”
Her heart started to race at the sudden heat in his eyes, and suddenly the distance between them seemed to disappear, sucked away by a connection so intense it leapt across the divide between them.
“In here.” He disappeared through the door and a light flicked on in whatever room he had entered.
She followed him inside, then stopped.
They were in his bedroom.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Ana had no doubt this was Elijah’s bedroom, and not a guest suite. The room smelled like him, the rich scent curling through her body and easing her tension. She stepped inside, feeling utterly and instantly at ease, and she knew it was because of the intensity of his presence permeating the space.
The top dresser drawer was open, and she could see some tee shirts and jeans in it, as well as a hint of something metal shining in the pile. A chain? One pair of jeans was on the floor, as were a pair of muddy boots. And a half-full glass of water sat on the dresser next to a rumpled towel that looked like it had been tossed there after a shower. The chaos was so unlike the perfect cleanliness of the rest of the condo. It didn’t feel like a comfortable chaos, it felt rocky and out of place, and she had a sudden feeling that she was looking at something terrible.
She realized then that this had to have been the first time Elijah had been home since he’d gone rogue under Frank’s torment. How long had it been since he’d been back?
There was an enormous bed with a simple navy comforter on it and at least eight pillows. It was unmade, showing clean white sheets. She could see from the lay of the covers exactly where he’d slept when he’d last been there, and she had a brief flash of that muscular body stretched out at an angle across the bed.
“You should sleep before we head on further. You can crash here. I’ll stay awake and watch out for you.” Elijah walked over to the windows and yanked open the blue plaid curtains accented with a soft beige that matched the warm earth tones of the room’s paint.
The entire wall was windows, with a slider opening to a small deck. More windows. More security.
Elijah hesitated, then punched in an alarm code and opened the door. He walked out on the deck and braced his hands on the railing. His back expanded as he inhaled the fresh air, gripping the wrought iron so tightly that the tendons were rigid in his forearms.
He didn’t move.
Ana glanced at the bed, suddenly feeling the depths of her exhaustion. She hadn’t gotten enough sleep before Ezekiel had burst in, and now that the adrenaline was fading, the need to sleep was almost overwhelming.
She looked back out to the deck. Elijah hadn’t moved, and his body was tense. Something was wrong with him. He needed her.
Ignoring the temptation of sleep, Ana kicked off her sneaker and padded out after him with her one bare foot and her cast, trying not to clunk as she walked.
Elijah’s shoulders tightened as she stepped out onto the deck. She started to put her arms around him, then hesitated, no longer certain whether the intimacy would be welcome now that he didn’t need it. Instead, she walked up beside him and leaned on the rail next to him, staring out at the beautiful view. “What’s wrong?”
She didn’t expect an answer, not with the way he’d physically withdrawn from her since they’d arrived.
But he surprised her with a reply. “The last time I was here, I had the worst nightmares I’d ever had. I dreamed I was murdering Gideon and Quinn and relishing every blow I sank into their bodies. I woke up in the middle of the night, absolutely certain I’d be covered in their blood. But I wasn’t. It was a dre
am, but I couldn’t imagine how it wasn’t real. It felt so real.” His voice was low and controlled, but she felt the intensity of his emotions vibrating beneath the surface.
Her guess had been right about the bedroom, and Elijah was facing that night for the first time. “I’m sorry.” She wanted to touch his hand, but she wasn’t sure if he’d welcome that or not.
“I had to get the blood off, so I got in the shower, but about halfway through, I realized that…” He swore softly and said nothing else.
“You realized what?” she urged gently.
His fingers tightened on the railing. “I had this sudden moment of awakening, this vision in my head as if I suddenly understood everything that mattered.”
Empathy filled her for the torment in his voice, for the damage that had been done to him so ruthlessly. “An illusion?”
Elijah nodded. “It was Frank messing with me, but I didn’t know that at the time. I suddenly was absolutely positive that everything that had gone wrong in my life was Quinn’s fault. That he was my enemy. That he’d arranged for me to kill Ian’s sheva because he knew it would screw me up. That he’d done the blood bond with me five hundred years ago so he could control me.”
Oh, God, how could Frank have messed with a friendship that was such a critical part of Elijah’s well-being? The cruelty of that was beyond words, to take away those he loved. “That’s not true. I’ve seen the affection between you—”
“I know now, but in that moment, the truth looked very different.” Elijah’s voice was hard. “I was in that shower, with soap in my hair and suddenly I was filled with such vile hatred for him. I knew he didn’t deserve to live, and that I was the only one fast enough to kill him. I was consumed by a need to destroy him. Right then. Nothing else mattered, other than killing my own blood brother. I didn’t even rinse off. I just jumped out of the shower, yanked on my clothes and went out to his place and murdered him.” His voice grew brittle. “And all those trainees. I killed them all. For a while, I thought maybe it wasn’t real, that I hadn’t really done it, but I know now that I did. I slaughtered them for no reason other than that I was fucking losing my mind.”
Elijah’s voice was cold, his body rigid, but Ana could feel such incredible torment pulsing deep inside him that she couldn’t stop herself. She wedged herself between the railing and his body, wrapped her arms around his waist, and pressed her cheek to his chest.
His muscular arms went around her immediately, and he held her tight, his heart thudding so loudly.
“You were under an illusion,” she said. “That’s what Frank specialized in. He was able to create illusions of emotions inside people to drive them to do what he wanted. He made you hate Quinn so badly that you killed him…fortunately, Quinn revived.” She didn’t dare add that Frank had taught her to do the same kind of illusion. She was certain it would be more than Elijah could accept in her, and she couldn’t take it if he rejected her. He was the first being since her parents who’d needed her, who stuck by her, who she knew she could count on. She didn’t even know how to trust anyone…but she trusted him.
“Quinn’s my best friend. I’m blood bonded with him, but I was so weak I couldn’t stop myself from killing him.” A raw edge was starting to take over Elijah’s voice. “No wonder Frank picked me. He knew I was vulnerable. A weak spot in the Order.”
Elijah weak? There was no chance of that! “Or maybe he picked you because you were the strongest link, and you were the one he needed to control,” Ana said. “After all, you’re the one destined to take down Ezekiel, right? He picked you for your strength, but to control you, he had to beat you down.”
Elijah said nothing, but she could feel him weighing her words.
“Didn’t you say you’d been struggling ever since you’d killed Ian’s sheva?” she continued. “Maybe he’d been working on you for a long, long time, and it was only that night that he finally got to you and broke down your barriers?”
Elijah’s jaw worked where he was resting his chin on her hair. “It is possible,” he admitted.
She knew Elijah wouldn’t accept sympathy or false accolades. No warrior would. He’d respond to logic, though. Despite all he’d been through, Elijah was too tough to get hung up on self-pity and refuse to see the facts when they were there. “Maybe you were Frank’s test case. Frank didn’t dare free Ezekiel until he knew he was strong enough to control you, knowing that if he couldn’t manage you, he’d never be able to handle Ezekiel. He was a smart man, Elijah, and I’m sure he did his research. He knew about your past, and he knew exactly what to do to prey on your vulnerabilities. And he was powerful. Powerful enough to believe he could control Ezekiel through the same methods he controlled you.”
“Even if that were so, I’m still weak—”
“He got Zach to turn on the Order with hardly any effort. It took him months, maybe years, to turn you.” She recalled Frank’s office walls, which had been covered with pictures of her dating all the way back to when she was a child. “Frank had been planning this for more than twenty years, Elijah. He could easily have been working on you for that long. You’re not weak, Elijah. The exact opposite, in fact.”
He pulled back to look at her, his eyes dark. “Regardless of how long it took Frank to break me, he still did it. And now it’s no stretch for me to go after those I care about.”
She bit her lip. “All it takes is one of my memories to trigger you.”
He nodded. “Which I am now extremely privy to. Look at me, Ana. Look at me and tell me I’m not on the edge of snapping.”
She met his gaze and opened her mind to his. She was startled at the strength of his demons. They were clawing at his shields, trying to get through. Illusions, memories, they were all the same to him now, but they were all dark, they were all hell, and they were trying to take over his mind.
His face was grim. “You’re in danger around me.”
Yeah, she could see why he would think that. “So?”
He stared at her for a second, then his eyebrows went up. “So? That’s your only response?”
“What do you want me to say? I’m your sheva. In certain ways, that has made you a danger to me from the first minute we met. Quite honestly, I don’t really care.” She leaned back against the railing.
His hands went to either side of her hips, locking her in.
Ana realized she wanted Elijah to understand how she saw him. She wanted him to see how magnificent he really was. “Before Nate got to me, I lived in my own little world, Elijah. I was lonely, sure. My parents were dead, and Grace kept secrets from me. We were always on the move, trying to stay one step ahead of social services. I’ve never had a job for longer than a year. I don’t even have plants because I’m afraid to put down roots. All I wanted was a home and family, and I couldn’t have it. The only constant in my life were my illusions, my happy illusions. So I did my illusions and lost myself in a world of fantasy and ignored everything else. My illusions made me smile. I thought they made me happy.”
His green eyes were intent on hers, listening the way no one had ever listened to her before, making her throat tighten. You deserve to be happy, Ana. I wish I could do that for you.
She shook her head, needing to finish, needing him to understand exactly how important he was to her. “I hated being alone, so I did illusions all the time to hide from my world. And then Nate kidnapped me.” She couldn’t keep from sinking her fingers into the waistband of his jeans, needing to touch him as the memories came back. “He beat me so badly, Elijah.” Her voice cracked slightly, and a muscle ticked in Elijah’s cheek. “He beat the good illusions out of me until there was nothing left but darkness. As you know, he used me to murder a dozen Calydons, including you. He’d toss me into my cell at night covered in blood, both mine and that of the males who’d been alive before I’d showed up.”
The fucker should burn in hell. Fire burned in Elijah’s eyes, the heat of outrage and protection, and she wanted to crumble into his body and forg
et about it all.
But she couldn’t forget, because it would always be a part of her. But suddenly she wanted to purge it from her soul, share it with the one man who mattered. “I would lie in my cell, wondering if my body was going to recover or if I was going to die right then. I would stare up at the cracks in the ceiling, flinching at every noise, wondering when Nate was going to come back for me. Whether this time he’d stop beating me or cutting me in time to keep me alive, or whether this would be the time he lost control and killed me. I heard the screams of those warriors in my head as I brought them down with my illusions. Their terror, their pain, and their death.”
Shit, Ana. I’m so sorry. Elijah’s hands slid off the railing to her waist, his fingers digging into her hips. His eyes were brimming with empathy for her, his concern so evident in the way he widened his stance and tucked her into the shield of his body, as if he could protect her from the past, from the memories.
She met his gaze. “But the worst of all was your death. It haunted me. It still does.” She released his waist with her right hand to press her palm over his mark on her arm. “But I would sit there at night, huddled against the wall, and I would look at your brand on my forearm. It was the mark of a warrior, of a male who’d given his life to protect me, and I felt your strength. I drew on it, and that’s how I kept going. I wanted to live, and I wanted to be free, and I wanted to be worthy of your mark. You might not believe it, but you are my hero, Elijah, in every way.”
His hand closed over hers, where she was holding it to her forearm, his palm warm and comforting. I bleed for you, Ana.
Tears filled her eyes at the anguish in his voice. “Nate changed me, Elijah. He taught me that there are things worth fearing: him, Frank, Ezekiel and myself.” She looked up at him. “But you, of all things, don’t scare me. You’re the only thing I have to hang onto. Yes, you might kill me, but honestly? If I’m going to die, and I’m beginning to think I will, it’s at your hands that I want to go.”
Darkness Surrendered (Primal Heat Trilogy #3) (Order of the Blade) Page 26
