He stopped what he was doing and just looked at me before laughing. “Did you just smack my dick?”
I started washing off. “He won’t stop poking me,” I mumbled, and even I knew how stupid I sounded.
“You don’t usually have a problem with him ‘poking’ you.”
I rolled my eyes and took another look at his hair. “Here, turn around and I’ll wash your hair.”
He did as I told him. I filled my palm full of shampoo before leaning into his back and washing his hair. I enjoyed my body resting against his. My nipples were too as they slid across his back. He tilted his head back and groaned. “This is nice,” he murmured, and that alone made me happy.
For fifteen minutes, we fought over the water and took turns washing each other up, and even though he was hard the entire time, we didn’t jump each other. It was new and refreshing. When I stepped out, he asked, “Are you hungry?”
And I replied with, “Always.”
We ventured into the kitchen and furthered our conversation. He made us hot ham and cheese sandwiches as I found the chips and drinks. I planted myself on the floor against the kitchen wall with my food, and he looked down at me with a smirk. “You know there’s a table, right?” But he sat down on the floor next to me nonetheless.
“I don’t know why I sat down here,” I told him with a playful shrug, placing the bag of chips between us as I crossed my legs Indian style.
“Who knows with you.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“See.” He pointed at me. “You get riled up so easily.”
I sighed. “Don’t even start. You’re Fear. You’re the one that takes everything too far.” He grinned wickedly and I rolled my eyes. “About Fear…” He watched me curiously. “Is he, ya know?” I brought my arms out.
“Present?” he offered and I nodded. “Like he’s going to disappear when you’re around.” I arched my eyebrow and he continued, “He’s obsessed with you.”
I straightened my back and studied his expression. “I don’t think that’s what it is.”
He nodded. “It is. He’s quite into you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so instead, I asked, “Don’t you need to go kill something… ya know go cause something pain and scare the shit out of them?”
He laughed. “I’m okay, for now.” He took a drink of his Pepsi. “But yeah, I’ll have to eventually, just not at this moment. I’m strangely… good.”
“Okay.” I smiled. “Am I gonna be one of those that you go after?” I couldn’t help but ask.
He cocked a brow. “Most likely.”
I tugged my wet hair behind my ear before taking a bite of my sandwich. The heat pooled between my legs at the thought of him hunting me before it turning into something else, something better. I needed to think about something else before he called me out on what my body was doing on its own. “Don’t you want to leave now and spend time with your sister before she moves on?” I asked.
“I don’t even know what I’m going to say when I do see her again.”
“I’m sure she’ll have a lot to say when she sees you.”
He laughed, looking down at the floor before nodding. “I’d say you’re right.”
I didn’t notice at first because I was busy eating but Ryan’s eyes were on my body. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if it weren’t for the fact that he’d been staring at my chest for minutes now. Had he zoned out? I had on a white spaghetti shirt, and my nipples were poking through the longer he stared. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and asked, “What is it?”
He lifted his gaze and seemed to snap out of it. He shook his head and straightened his back. “I was just thinking… there isn’t a need for so many marks on your body.”
My heart skidded. Suddenly I feared he was done with me already. “What do you mean?” I whispered quickly.
He placed his chin on his knee and kept staring at me. “I only need one mark, don’t I, Molly?”
“Huh?” I was frustrated and scared that he might want to get rid of me so soon.
“Because you won’t leave even if there’s none.”
Slowly, I was becoming exposed to him.
But I couldn’t make myself care.
Chapter Eighteen
Ryan
Molly slept like the dead. She never stirred when I carried her to my bedroom after she fell asleep watching a movie on the couch. We had showered and ate on the floor of the kitchen the night before that. She never stirred when I slipped my hand underneath her shirt, wanting to take her body one more time before succumbing to sleep. Even when morning came, she never stirred when I tried again, or when I sat over her shoulder and watched the vulnerability and peace in her expression as she slumbered. She never stirred when I climbed out of bed either.
Even though I adored something about her being so relaxed, another part—the darker part of me—wondered what hell had she been through before getting stuck here to sleep with a monster like she was perfectly safe. The ugly in me was growing, I felt it, and soon it would consume me if I didn’t get relief soon. It didn’t help that I had to face my sister today who would know the truth of what I’ve become, and it didn’t help that I was keeping Molly here, treating her nice and making her comfortable when it was only a matter of time before I broke her. She was scaring the shit out of me because I wanted her to stay.
So did Fear.
Together, we didn’t make a right—we made a very messed up fucker. I was good when I could be good, but when I was bad, I was very bad. How could I keep someone like Molly around when she was so accepting and willing to take me inside her any and all the time—except for the moments she fell dead to hibernation. I don’t know, the way she looked at me, the way she smiled, and waited and cried out for my attention made it feel like I was the only thing she wanted.
It felt good. No, it felt damn great.
She no longer looked at me with hatred and uncertainty… even Fear was weird. We were all weird, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
You should wake her up before you leave, Fear filtered through my head.
“I’ve tried once last night and again this morning,” I grumbled as I grabbed the portal chip off the counter in the kitchen. “Believe me, when she sleeps, she sleeps.”
He was quiet for a second. Did you make her like that?
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
Calm… quiet. Rested and content.
Fear was way strange lately. I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Considering she told us about being locked up over the centuries, I can imagine this place is nice compared to what she’s been through.”
If you keep her that way… does that mean she’ll stay?
Seconds from pressing the portal chip, I stopped at Fear’s words. It was as I thought. Molly was bringing the monster to his knees, and she wasn’t even doing anything. He wanted to keep her. I wanted to keep her.
“Yes, normally when you treat a woman right and woo her, she’ll stay,” I told him.
Woo her? he muttered, confused.
“It means we go after her with charm and interests other than what’s between her legs so that she knows she’s wanted.”
Then you woo her, he said, so I can keep her.
I dropped my head and clenched my teeth. “I can’t keep her, and neither can you.”
Why? You can’t stop me—
“Because I’m you, and you’re you.” I gripped the portal chip. “You don’t even know how to care for someone. The only thing you know is pain, and now that’s all that can keep my interest in the long run.”
______
“You ready?” Melanie asked for the hundredth time since I got here twenty minutes ago.
“I’m ready,” I muttered, lifting myself off the couch. “You’re the one that seems nervous.” Which was true, I breathed it in all around her. I didn’t know if she was nervous to see Tess again or if her nervousness was for me me
eting Tess after all these years. It was only a lifetime for Tess but for me, it’d been several.
I raked my fingers into my scalp and took a deep, silent breath to calm my own nerves. Honestly, I wasn’t okay. I was on the verge of running. I broke into a cold sweat, clammy hands and all. I was good at hiding it from Melanie though, or at least I thought so. Killian, on the other hand, probably sensed it all but didn’t say anything.
“Let’s go,” I finally said. “I wanna get this over with before—”
“It eats you alive?” She smiled softly and all I could do was nod.
There was another scent in the room that I couldn’t ignore either, and although it was something I could always smell on every other male or female, it was the first time smelling it from Killian. Melanie, she was always heavy with the scent of being fertile but Killian, he kept his closed off. Until now. As Fear, it was something even I could control so that I wouldn’t impregnate someone and the fact that he wasn’t controlling it anymore told me all I needed to know. They wanted a family. I couldn’t congratulate them or bring it up until they did. I was left with the awkwardness of knowing but keeping quiet until they wanted to share the news with me. Which would probably be after she became pregnant.
I was happy for them, honestly. But I couldn’t change the fact that being around two people so happy and in love, and about to start a family reminded me of what I’d never have. I had once wanted those things with Melanie. Growing up, I had pathetic dreams about our future together. One that never came to pass, and although I was over that hurdle and was happy for her and Killian, it didn’t mean I forgot how much I wanted a family. Kids. I couldn’t believe how much of a family guy I dreamed of being until I realized, sadly, I still was one underneath all the layers of darkness.
And it was another thing I could never have as Fear. Molly’s face filtered through my thoughts and I knew why. But even that possibility was shut down. Molly was infertile. It wasn’t something I wanted to sense in people. I didn’t want to know if they could make babies or not but I could. A monster could sense a lot of things.
I didn’t even know why I thought of her in that moment of reminiscence.
She’ll stay, Fear started up again since he knew my thoughts and knew I was thinking about her. If you make her want to.
Why don’t you just force her to stay? I snapped back in my thoughts. When have you ever asked me to do anything, including asking someone to stay next to you knowing you’re poison. You take what you want, even if I tell you Molly deserves a chance to run from us. I’m sure you’ll bring her back. I mean, that’s why you marked her, to begin with, right? So, she’d never get away? I’m done playing with her. I don’t want to fucking hurt her, and I don’t want to hurt when one of us finally do hurt her.
“Are you okay?” Killian’s hand gripped my shoulder and I escaped my mind to focus on his hard stare.
“I’m fine,” I reassured him with a grin. “He’s not coming out if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He sighed in relief and dropped his hand. “Good, I was worried he might mess this up for you.”
Why are you buddies with him again? Fear growled. And why the fuck did I let you live so close to these two is beyond—
“Fear’s been preoccupied lately,” I said quickly to shut Fear up. It was irritating as fuck trying to have a conversation with Fear blaring in your skull. “Freaking the hell out of me as well,” I added, and Fear made a grab for my body in response. I tensed up, worried that maybe he was going to force himself out, and me in. But he didn’t. It was only to worry me after talking about him.
Melanie’s head lifted at my words and she walked over. “Is that right?” she asked, curiosity and worry slipping out of her. “So,” she exhaled, crossing her arms nonchalantly. “How’s it going with your new houseguest?”
I smiled. “Ah, it’s interesting,” I gave a bit.
She wanted more. “Oh?”
“Yeah, Fear might have delivered her into my arms, but it’s me that she wants.” I slid my hand against my chest and just knew I should keep my mouth shut. Fear and I have never gotten along, but with Molly, we came to an agreement then to disagreement again. Point was, things were strained between us and I didn’t need to go poking the monster, but it was the only thing that relieved me of the fear of seeing my sister again. “She won’t even let him touch her.” I doubled over, grabbing my stomach as Fear did something to me from the inside.
“Ryan!” Melanie panicked then it was over.
I lifted back up and smiled. “It’s fine. He’s a little sore about it.”
Killian smirked and Melanie shook her head like I’d lost it. “I think maybe you shouldn’t go making it worse,” she scolded me. “Fear has the power to take you from us, Ryan.” I stopped smiling, the truth of her words I already knew. “I’m worried there will come a day when he never lets you come back out.” Her words, face, and emotions reached out. She was sincere about the worry.
But it didn’t matter because I was starting to think I should have died when I was supposed to. I didn’t care how weak that made me sound to Fear. I didn’t understand why he chose me.
Maybe just like Molly had told me about her chance at peace, I should have tried harder to fight the link that drawn me into Fear. I should have tried harder for my own peace. Or died as nothing.
Now I’d never find peace or death unless Fear decided to give me one or the other.
_____
We stood outside her bedroom door to wait for her death. I wouldn’t cross over into her bedroom where she was lying peacefully next to her husband. I didn’t want to witness the pain that took her life. Her death already fogged the air around us to the point that it was stifling. We should have waited until it was already over.
I looked over at Grim and Melanie and wondered if this was what it always felt like for them. Two beings that carried death everywhere they went—waiting on it, trusting it, guiding it. Suddenly, I wasn’t so envious of them anymore. This dark cloud floating around in the air—Grim, more like it—was suffocating. And now he was here for my sister.
Then I stumbled away from the door when I heard it—yes, I fucking heard the huge gasp of air she sucked in. It filled the quiet room, the empty house. It was just her and her husband, now that their kids were grown. And the gasp came, but the exhale never came after. It was a constant wheezing sound. Grim slipped into the room. Melanie stared at the door, conflicted before turning to me. “There’ll be no more pain for her after this,” she said it like it made this part better. But she knew it didn’t. She experienced this all herself so she knew exactly what it felt like.
I heard the sound of someone flipping the light switch—her husband started panicking, “Tessa! Tessa!” I imagined him placing his hands on her body somewhere, maybe shaking her—checking her somehow since he was a doctor. Even through the fear, I could sense the love tumbling off his body for her. It made me smile, only for a moment. But she kept gasping, gasping—
“Come on, we can’t be there for him, but we can be there for her,” Melanie said right before taking my hand and walking me through the door with her. The worst part was already over—her pain, I meant. As for husband and family, theirs had just begun.
Penny kept me updated with pictures of everyone while she was alive, and when Melanie came back, she started giving me pictures of them instead. I would occasionally go see her or my niece and nephew from afar, but only for a few seconds before I’d cave and port away.
But looking at my old and frail sister rise from her body as a ghost, something in me regretted all those years I wasted because of my own fear. Her husband had already dialed 9-1-1 even when he knew it was too late. He just sat there crying with her in his arms, waiting, knowing he would have to call up his kids soon.
My heart twisted, and I was full of regret. She noticed Grim at first, and since I was a ghost before I knew that you automatically knew of Reapers the moment you died—it just planted itself in
your brain to know so you’re prepared for what’s to come.
She nodded toward Grim then her eyes landed on us. “Melanie,” she gasped, her voice raspy and aged. Tess had aged. She wasn’t the girl I left behind, she was an old lady I was saying goodbye to. Her wrinkled face looked even more shocked as she locked eyes with me. “Ryan.” She cupped her mouth then brought her hands to her ears, confused. “What—”
“I’ve missed you,” Melanie choked out as she tugged at my hand before stepping in front of my sister and wrapping her into a hug. Tess went from shocked to a happy, warm smile as she closed her eyes and hugged her back. “And, I’m going to miss you even more with our last goodbye.” Melanie’s words brought me back to why we were here.
I brought my hands up to my eyes and gently covered them. My throat was clogged, full of all these emotions I wanted to run from.
“I don’t understand,” Tess looked back and forth between us. “How are you young again, Melanie? And Ryan…” She smiled big. “Are we going to finally be together again?”
That was more than I could take. I broke with a smile. “Didn’t think you’d see me again?” I asked through unleashed tears.
Tess stepped away from Melanie and came to me. She brought her hands up to my cheeks. “No, on the contrary, I’ve been waiting to see my twin since the moment I lost him,” she said with a smile. She dropped her hands. I sucked in a shaky breath as she looked to her husband. “This is very sad, isn’t it?” She looked back at me and Melanie. “Saying goodbye to people you don’t want to leave behind.” This Tess I didn’t know. Her gaze was conflicted with sadness and worry, so aged and understanding. “I’m not sure I was ready to leave them just yet… I’m happy to see you, Ryan, truly. I’ve waited so long to see you again, but—” Her voice clogged up and I stood stiffly. “He’s hurting. And my babies, they’re gonna miss me.”
I brought my hands up to her shoulders and gripped her ghostly body tight. “You’ll see them again one day,” I told her, hoping it were true. I had no real clue what Heaven was like or how it worked.
Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4) Page 15
