by LK Collins
The only thing connecting us are the blades of grass. I grip them, tearing them from the ground, and it only makes me cry harder.
The back and forth inside my head is exhausting. As I sit here searching for answers, I just want to know that everything is going to be okay, the way it used to be. But that’s not my life anymore. Nothing will ever be the same, not without Ben.
I’d hoped after over a year of grieving; I was learning how to go on…especially when I met Thane. But I’m not ready…and I don’t know how to be.
19
Thane
“Come on, buddy, we gotta get going to school,” I tell Jack, doing my best to pretend that nothing is bothering me. That I’m okay with everything, even though inside my chest is a huge gaping hole as I’m trying to learn how to be without Faye. Even though what we had wasn’t long, it was still the best.
“Can I take Braxley’s walkie-talkie to school today and give it to him?”
“I don’t think Mrs. Leeper would like that.”
“Come on, I miss him, Daddy.”
“I know you do, bud, but you’ll get to see him all day today.”
“It’s not the same,” he grumbles and hops off the stool at the breakfast bar, walking into the garage, upset. I hate that what Faye and I are going through is affecting him. Grabbing his backpack, I take the walkie-talkie with me, I’ve gotta do something. I can’t have him upset, like this.
As I follow Jack, he’s already strapped up in the car and even at six years old, I can tell he’s pissed at me.
I show him the walkie-talkie, and he grins from ear to ear. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“Of course. I’m not gonna let you take it into school, though,” I tell him as I back out of my driveway. “I’ll take it to Faye, and if she’s okay with him having it, then you guys can talk.”
“Why wouldn’t she be?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I just want to make sure. She’s his mom.”
He looks out his window on the drive, and I keep glancing at him through the rearview mirror. If only I could be six again.
After we make the short trip to his school, I pull into the lot and even after a week, I still find myself looking for Faye. She must be dropping Braxley off really early because I haven’t seen her.
“All right, buddy, we’re here,” I tell Jack and he unstraps, then gets out, and I help him with his backpack.
As we walk across the lot, he asks me, “Are you going to take the walkie-talkie over to Braxley’s now?”
“Sure will. Have a good day, okay?” I give him a hug and kiss. Then his little feet guide him along, and I watch him run into school all the way until he’s gone.
Taking out my phone on the walk back to my car, I’m tempted to call or text Faye, but I know she’ll just ignore me.
So I get into my car and just drive to her house. I hate that she won’t answer or return my calls. She’s gone completely silent, and it’s driving me nuts.
Out of all the people in the world, I’d think that Faye would turn to me. I understand her and want to help her. But she’s just pushing me away and running from something that’s so good.
I know I haven’t been through exactly what she has, but I care for her so much that I’ll do anything to help her and to make her happy.
Pulling up to her house, everything is quiet. She’s probably not even here, but I still have to try. With the radio in my hand, I walk up to her front door and take in a deep breath of air before I knock. Each smack of my knuckles against the wood sends a twinge of anxiety coursing through me.
Nervously, I look around, listening for any noises inside. But I don’t hear a thing. She must not be home. Letting out the breath, I turn my back and go to my car.
I shouldn’t have come here.
Tossing the radio aside, it stares at me, and I hate to let Jack down. Searching around my car for a pen and paper, I finally find them to write her a note. As I tap the pen on the paper, I’m not sure what else to write, even though I have so much to say, and then suddenly, it flows out.
I don’t hold back, saying everything I feel I need to. I’ve got nothing more to lose after all.
Folding the piece of paper in half. I stick it beneath the clip on the radio and walk it up to Faye’s front door, placing it inside her mailbox. I hope it helps, but I fear it won’t, and that makes my heart hurt.
Starting the engine to my car, I drive off wishing that she’d been home. I really believe if she’d just hear me out, that she’d understand where I’m coming from and let me back in.
My phone rings on the drive, and I glance at it to see my attorney calling. Reluctantly I answer it, and he says to me, “If you’re gonna start blowing off court dates, then there is no way the judge is going to give you full custody or let you keep primary custody.”
Sonofabitch! Is it the eighth already?
“I…I’m not feeling well.”
“Don’t try to play me, Thane. I’m on your side here. I just covered for your ass. If anyone asks you had to take an emergency flight to New York, okay?”
“Absolutely. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how I spaced it.”
“Me neither and I really wish you hadn’t.”
“Why?” I ask him, concerned that he’d say that.
“Because Charlene was more than prepared and came out guns blazin’. You know she’s hired a financial advisor?”
“How can she do that, with my money?” I yell at him.
“It’s within her monthly budget. Apparently she’s really not shopping.”
“Dammit.”
“Yup, she even has a sponsor for her shopping addiction that she brought to court today to vouch for her.”
Out of all days for me to miss, why today? Why when Char completely catches me off guard with a fastball right down the middle? I should’ve seen it coming. I should’ve been there to do something.
“What’s this mean for me?” I ask him.
“I think she has a good shot at getting joint custody.”
“Are you serious? After a few weeks of her charade?!”
“I’m sorry, Thane, I really am. I’ll have my assistant call you when we have the next court date.”
I hang up the phone, extremely angry. I can see right through Charlene’s bullshit. She’s not gonna keep this up, I know she’ll break, she always does. And the courts will see that, I’ll make sure of it before they put my son at risk by letting her have joint custody. It’s hard enough for me to let him stay with her a night every now and again, a fifty-fifty split might actually push me over the edge.
20
Faye
Pulling up to my house after another morning at the cemetery, I’m exhausted—from not only lack of sleep, but searching for the right thing to do. I just want the pain to go away. All of it.
But I don’t know how to make it stop, and I fear I never will. I press the button to my garage door and am reminded of Thane. Like I am by so many other things in my life.
Even though I don’t have the history with him that I shared with Ben, losing him still hurts. But I hold on to my choice; I have to. We aren’t together because of me. I grab the mail before going in, and when I see the walkie-talkie inside my mailbox, my heart falters.
Hesitantly, I pull it out, holding it in the palm of my hand, like it’s a bomb that might go off. Any wrong move could send me into a tailspin of turmoil.
On the back of it is a piece of paper and I head back into the garage. Looking around to see if he’s watching me. But my street is quiet; everything is still.
Once I’m inside, I can’t stop myself from opening the note, his handwriting bleeding off the white paper, and I don’t know if I can read his words. I really don’t know if I can, but I also know I can’t ignore the letter. As hard as it is to hear from him, I need to know what he has to say.
Faye,
Please give this to Braxley. It would mean a lot to Jack and me.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through; y
ou don’t deserve this kind of pain. You deserve nothing but happiness, and that’s what I always tried to give you. I wish you’d see that and realize it’s okay to be happy, to let the pain go. There’s no harm in doing that; it means you’re healing. I’m always here for you, and I never want you to forget what you and Ben shared. You said so yourself that Ben would want you to move on. He was an amazing, brave man, who will always live in your heart. Like you will always live in mine.
Yours, Thane
Setting the note down, his words are a hard blow deep inside my soul. I…I feel lost, suddenly so unsure about everything and I don’t know what to do.
Then the walkie-talkie in front of me rings, and I about jump out of my skin, so caught off guard by it. Hesitantly, I touch it and then without thinking, I answer him.
“Thane?” I ask to be sure it’s him.
“Hi Faye,” his voice is deep, rough, and it crackles with each word. “How are you?”
I look around my messy house that I haven’t given two shits about lately and search for the answer. “I’ve been better,” I tell him followed by a long sigh.
“Can I see you?” he asks, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that or if my heart can handle him.
“Can we just talk?” I ask.
“Of course. Did you read my note?”
“I did. I…I appreciate your openness and honesty.”
“I meant every word I said, Faye. No matter what, I never want you to forget Ben…ever.”
“I appreciate that Thane, but right now…I still need space.”
“Okay,” he agrees with me, and I guess I didn’t expect him to.
The line is silent, and I stare at the radio, still wanting to talk to him, but can’t bring myself to speak any words.
I’ve tried to remind myself of what Ben said, to not stand still in time, but I can’t help it. Some days are better than others, and I really thought I was doing better, until this setback.
“Thank you for seeing me, Dr. Brinkman,” I tell my therapist as I sit across from her. My palms are damp, my nerves are high today, especially after Thane and I talked.
“Of course, Faye. How can I help you?”
“I don’t even know where to start,” I tell her and almost laugh.
“Okay, let’s start where we left off in our last session. You told me you’d met someone.” She scans her notes and says, “Thane?”
“Yeah, that’s him.”
“How are things going between the two of you?”
I reach into my purse and remove the note Thane left me. Pulling it out, I hand it to her. After she reads it, she asks me, “How does this note make you feel?”
“Lost and confused…” I trail off, and she asks me, “Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess because I hear his words and the logical side of my brain tells me to listen to him and trust in him. But then there’s this weight of regret weighing down around me, and it’s telling me that I can’t be with him. That it’s wrong, even though I know what he’s saying is true. And I’m miserable without him.”
Tears fill my eyes and I…I place my face in the palm of my hands. “Faye, I want you to take a step back for a moment. Can you do that?” Her voice pulls me from the depths of the shadows that are surrounding me, and I focus on my breathing. The same way I did when we first started to meet after Ben had passed. It took us quite a few sessions for me to even be able to talk about things.
“Remember what’s real? Remember what Ben told you.”
I swallow searching within myself for his words, but I can’t find them. I think I’ve suppressed everything so far back. Then she reads them out loud, and each one sparks a reminder of what I promised him. “Faye, promise me one thing…” I look up at her knowing just what I said to him. She patiently waits for me to answer and when I do, I can feel Ben beside me. His hand on my thigh, his reassurance pushing me forward. “I promise I’ll move on and be happy.”
21
Thane
“Mr. Stovich, could you carry the lunches to the bus for me?” Jack’s teacher, Mrs. Leeper, asks me as we prepare to head out on a class field trip.
“Sure, “ I tell her and lift the huge round tub full of all the children’s lunches. “Should I take them now?”
“Yeah, the bus is out front. We’ll meet you out there.”
“Okay.”
Heading out of the school, I can’t help but feel disappointed that Faye is not here today. She was supposed to attend this field trip too. We’d talked about it weeks ago, but after everything, I guess she’s changed her mind.
As I exit the school, I knock on the door to the bus, and when the driver opens it, I tell him, “I have lunches for Mrs. Leeper’s class.”
“Just set them on either first row of seats.”
“Thanks,” I tell him and head back towards the school.
I hear someone walking behind me, and when I look to see Faye as gorgeous as ever coming towards me, I couldn’t be happier.
“You made it,” I tell her.
“I did, I needed to go and see Ben this morning. That’s why I’m running late.”
“Oh, okay,” I respond, not sure what I should say. I can’t ask how he is or anything like that. So I go with, “You look good. Really good.”
“So do you,” she says, and I want to touch her lips, her soft plump lips, but then the door to the school opens and out files the class.
“Mommy,” Braxley yells and runs over to her, giving her a hug. “I thought you weren’t gonna make it.”
“Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
He hugs her again and runs back to Jack, getting in line as they file onto the bus.
“Thanks for handling the lunches,” the teacher says, and I give her a wave. “No problem, I’ll meet you there.”
Reaching into my pocket for my car keys, I look at Faye and give her a friendly hug, then say, “I should probably get going.”
“Yeah, me too.”
We walk across the lot together, our hands brushing against each other’s. As we both walk up to our cars, I ask her, “Do you want to ride with me?”
“Okay,” she agrees, and I unlock the doors, so surprised that she is actually coming with me. As we get into my car, the bus drives off and the other parents file out of the lot, following as well. I start the engine and back up as Faye says to me, “I owe you an apology.”
I glance over at her, wondering where this is all coming from.
“You really don’t. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did, Thane, I pushed you away, when all you were doing was helping me, and for that, I’ll always be sorry.”
“I get where you were coming from; I’d probably have done the same thing. But it’s all good.”
“No, it’s not,” she says, and part of me feels like she wants to argue with me or something.
“I’m not sure what you want from me, Faye.”
“I want us to start over, a clean slate.”
“Why? What’s changed?”
She turns in her seat, her body towards mine. Pulling my eyes off the road, she’s tempting and provoking me. Looking away, I grip the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white as I hold it tightly.
“I’ve done a lot of soul searching and thinking and looking within myself for what I want.” Her words ring loud and clear inside me, and I hope what she is saying is really true, but part of me doesn’t believe it.
She’s pushed me so far away and has been so cold, that I’m hesitant to open myself up to her again. But she rubs my arm, and her simple touch alone puts my cock at twelve o’clock.
“What do you think?” she asks me.
I go with my gut. Even if things end the way they did last time, it’ll be worth the pain to be with her again. “Can we have dinner, tonight, alone?”
“I’ll have to see if my mother–in-law will watch Braxley, but I should be able to.”
I don’t say anything else to her. I lea
ve things as they are, hoping this is truly the beginning of us again, but also knowing rejection is very possible.
22
Faye
What’s the likelihood that Thane and I would we been paired up on this field trip together? I’m guessing it’s because Mrs. Leeper can see how close the boys are and she wants the groups to be easy for the parents to manage. We also have two girls with us, they are friends too, and the four kids are fun and easy to be around.
“It’s lunchtime, are you guys done with your checklists?” I ask the kids and they all nod. Even Thane and I can’t help but laugh as we cross the field to meet the class at the pavilion.
“When did Jack get his bandage off?”
“A couple of days ago. Thankfully everything healed well.”
“I noticed as he was holding his clipboard it looked really good.”
“Yeah, thank God.” The kids race each other and Thane asks me, “What did you bring for lunch?”
“Shit, I totally forgot it in my car.”
“Damn, that sucks.”
“I know, oh well.”
“I’ll split mine with you,” he tells me and wraps his fingers around mine, holding my hand tightly. I look down at our hands, loving the feeling of his hand around mine. It feels so good. And considering I’m not sure where we stand, I need this.
“Where are we going for dinner?” I ask him, and he gnaws his bottom lip, pondering my question.
“I thought you had to see if your mother-in-law could watch Braxley?”
“She will,” I tell him.
