by LK Collins
It’s a little after eight in the morning, and I could get used to waking up like this every day. As I will myself to get out of bed, my thoughts are taken back to last night. To how amazing Faye was with Char. She was so nice and caring and settled what ultimately would’ve been a huge blow-up.
The laughter from the other room is too much to handle. I have to see what’s going on. Getting out of bed, I toss a t-shirt on, and as I round the corner, I can see Faye holding a huge pancake over her face.
It’s got chocolate chip eyes and a chocolate chip mouth, and she’s pretending to talk as it. The boys are laughing so hard, that their little arms are covering their stomachs as they kneel on the stools at the breakfast bar.
Faye pulls the pancake down, and right away her eyes lock with mine. Her face blushes and I push myself off the wall I’m leaning on walking right into the kitchen.
“Do it again!” Jack hollers, and she says, “I can’t—I’ve gotta cook the rest of the pancake family.”
“Please,” Braxley begs, and I hug then kiss both boys on the top of their hair.
“Morning, baby,” I say to Faye and kiss her red cheeks as she concentrates on cooking.
She smiles, and I lift the pancake to my face, looking at her then the boys as I say to her again, “Mr. Pancakeface said good morning.” I peer around the food, and she pecks her lips towards me. Then I lean on the counter top, facing the boys. They clap as I prepare to give them my best pancakeface reenactment.
34
Faye
You can do this, Faye. You can do this; I repeat to myself as I stand in my closet and look at all Ben’s clothes.
Anxiety creeps up the back of my throat, and I feel how close I am to losing it. Glancing at Thane as he’s holding an empty box, I tell him, “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can, baby.” His eyes are so reassuring as I snuffle back the tears. Taking my hand, I slowly reach for one of Ben’s t-shirts, it trembles, scared to touch the material, and I close my eyes, a vision of Ben wearing the yellow t-shirt clouding my thoughts.
“I…I can’t,” I stutter and pull my hand down, but Thane pushes it back up.
“You can do this.”
With his hand guiding mine, I grasp the fabric in between my fingertips, pulling it downward. Then I drop it into the box, reaching up, I take another and another shirt, yanking them all down frantically. I just want to get this over with. I need to.
These clothes do not represent Ben. His memories and the time we shared together are who he was. Every shirt I pull is freeing. My breathing is hasty, hangers are flying, and as I take the last shirt, I gently set it on the pile pouring from the box Thane is holding. Tears are in his eyes as he looks at me.
“You are so fucking strong.”
I don’t feel strong; I feel weak. I feel like I rushed through that, to get it over with, to save myself the pain of having to remember. But I know however I did it, it had to be done. In order for me to move on and keep on the positive path of my future, this is what I needed. Thane backs out of the closet and closes the top of the cardboard flaps over the clothing, wiping his eyes dry on his shoulder. My stomach churns watching Ben’s clothing disappear. It’s the last time I’ll ever see his clothes, and suddenly I feel light-headed. I rush into the restroom, getting sick.
“Faye?” Thane hollers out and finds me kneeling and gagging.
“What’s the matter?” he asks me.
“I can’t get rid of his stuff.” I rest my head on my forearm, and he says to me, “Then we’ll keep it.” I process his words, and they thankfully settle my fears. “We don’t have to get rid of anything. Braxley might want them one day.”
I nod and let him pull me onto his lap. His warmth and tight hold is so reassuring. “I’m sorry. I thought I was ready to do this.”
“Don’t apologize. This is hard what you’re doing. If I lost you, I couldn’t do it.”
I rest my head against his chest, breathing him in and closing my eyes. I couldn’t imagine losing Thane either. I’d be so lost, a wreck without him.
“Come on, let’s go grab some lunch,” he offers, and I reach for the toilet, flushing it.
“I don’t think I can eat.”
“Coffee?”
“Coffee,” I agree, and together we leave. As I look back in my bedroom, the lonely box rests on the floor in front of my nightstand and the spot I keep my necklace at with our rings on.
Knowing that I don’t have to get rid of Ben’s things makes me feel so much better. We leave my house, and Thane helps me into his SUV and then holds on to my hand as we drive.
“You okay?” he asks me.
“Yeah.”
“What are you thinking?”
“About the future, about us moving in together.”
“I like hearing that,” he says, and I nod feeling so comfortable and settled from where we began. When I met Thane, I never imagined a relationship or falling in love. Now, being with him, I can’t fathom what my life would be like without him, and I pray to God I never have to find out.
35
Faye
As the boys help me unpack the groceries, Thane comes in from a long day of flying, still wearing his captain’s uniform, and I don’t think I’ve noticed until now just how sexy he is in it.
“Daddy!” Jack yells and gives him a hug. Braxley hugs him too. He still calls him Thane, and I think that’s okay. Ben is his dad, and I always want it to stay that way in his memory. But Thane holds a spot inside of him too, I can see it through the connection that the two share.
“Baby,” he says and kisses me on the corner of the mouth.
“How was your day?” I ask.
“It was good.” He reaches into the fridge and cracks a beer then asks, “How was my boys’ day?”
“It was so fun, one of our chicks hatched in class today.”
“No way, that’s awesome. Did you guys see it happen?”
“Yeah,” Braxley says his face lighting up as he recalls the events from earlier and I love watching my guys together.
“What did you name it?”
“Harry!”
“Well, that’s suiting.”
Jack is still helping me with the groceries. He’s such a good helper anytime I need it.
“Here, bud,” I tell him passing him some more fresh vegetables to put into the fridge.
He puts them in the drawer and then goes through another bag. “What’s this, Faye?” he asks me, holding up the pregnancy test that I bought today. Shit, how did I forget about that? I must be pregnant.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” I tell him and toss it on top of the fridge. Thane being nosy, peeks at the top of the fridge and then takes down the box, holding it in his hand.
“Yeah, what is this?” he asks me, and I blush, staying busy with the groceries.
“It’s nothing,” I tell him.
“Doesn’t look like nothing,” he says reading the box and sipping on his beer. I yank it out of his hand and throw it on top of the fridge again.
“Do you have something to tell me?” he asks pulling me towards him by the hips. I stand in front of him, the boys are at either side of him, and I shake my head.
“What is it?” Braxley asks, and Thane says, “It’s a pregnancy test.”
“What’s it do?”
“It can tell if you’re pregnant or not.”
“Oh, I wanna use it,” Jack says, and we all laugh at him.
“No, buddy, it’s not for boys. Only girls can have babies.”
“But a girl and a boy make a baby.”
Thane swallows awkwardly, and I have no clue how he knows that.
“So why don’t you take the test, Mommy?” Braxley asks me.
“Oh, I’ll do it later.”
“No, you won’t!” Thane snatches it down, and tears open the box handing me the stick.
“Are you sure?” I ask, and he coolly sips his beer waiting for me to take the test out of his hand.
As I wal
k off with it in my hand going into the restroom down the hall, I can hear the guys talking. This was not the way I envisioned this going. I thought Thane and I would talk about it first and take the test together. Now, here I am alone in an empty bathroom.
“You done yet?” Braxley bangs on the door.
And I about jump out of my skin, or maybe it’d be better if I just jumped out of the window. “Just a sec,” I holler, and I can hear the three of them laughing in the hallway.
Lifting my dress up, I pull my underwear down and remove the cap. But I can’t pee. Of course, I can’t.
“Done yet?”
“NO!” I bellow and then they start knocking repeatedly on the door.
I shake my head, the hugest smile on my face, and finally, I pee, soaking the tip of the stick. Placing the cap back on it, I wipe and wait for the results, but the boys will not stop banging, so I open the door, and Thane asks me, “What’s it say?”
“It’s not done yet.” He yanks the test out of my hand, and I stand frozen.
The boys chase him, trying to get to it and he runs off into the living room. I follow, nervous as hell, knowing in the next few moments my life could forever change. Whether it’s positive or not, we’re gonna have to talk about starting a family, and I told him before I didn’t think I wanted more kids.
“Let me see, let me see!” the boys clamor and Thane says, “Calm down, let’s all look at it together.” They sit on the couch as still as they can. But I can’t sit, I just pace—waiting.
“Be patient,” he says as their little legs rock back and forth. Braxley is on one side of him, and Jack is on the other. All of them are staring—looking down—waiting to see if our future will have another child in it. A child of mine and Thane’s.
The waiting feels like forever, and I find myself chewing on a fingernail.
Then a smile bigger than ever comes across Thane’s face, and I take in one final breath.
Epilogue
Thane
“I love it here,” Faye says to me, walking out into the huge backyard of our new home.
We moved in about a month ago, and it’s been a lot of work getting settled: with the new baby, and a spur of the moment wedding, and moving the five of us into one house, but having my family now all in a place of our own has been worth the wait.
“I love it, too,” I tell her and flip the meat on the grill.
She holds me from behind, her arms shrouding around me as she pulls me into a tight embrace. I take a swig of my beer, and she takes it from my hand, taking a drink herself.
“Oh shit, you drinking tonight?” I ask her, and she nods, glancing inside at Benjamin, our three-month-old son laying calmly on the floor.
“I pumped earlier, so he’s set for the night.”
“Fuck yeah! Does that mean I’ll get lucky, too?” I whisper into her ear, and she nods. I grab a handful of her ass holding her close to me. Jesus Christ, I love this woman and everything about her.
“Hey, little man,” Braxley says, playing inside with his little brother as he anxiously waits for Jack to get home. Char and I settled our divorce not long after we got back from Disneyland and both agreed to joint custody.
I have to admit as much as I hate being without him, he loves his time with Char. And she’s done really great herself, somehow still not shopping, and she’s even got a good steady job. But most importantly, she’s wonderful with Jack, which is all that truly matters to me.
I turn the grill down and follow Faye inside. She asks Braxley, “Do you want to feed him?”
He nods knowing it’s not often he can feed little Benjamin with a bottle. But whenever he can, he jumps at the opportunity.
Faye lifts him off the floor, leaving the blanket of Ben’s t-shirts on the ground. I had them made into a blanket for her soon after we picked out the baby’s name. I thought it was fitting that if he was going to be named after Ben, he’d grow up with memories around him too.
I know I didn’t know Ben, but I can’t help feeling like I did, and one thing I want to be sure of is that his memory always stays alive in our home, especially for Braxley.
Faye places the baby in Braxley’s arms and comes into the kitchen to heat up a bottle. “You want wine?” I ask her.
“Is that even a question?” she says.
I smirk filling her a huge glass, just as Jack and Char walk in through the front door. Jack rushes to my side and gives me a hug. I hold him back, loving having him home.
“How are you, buddy?”
“Good, I missed you guys.” Faye rubs his hair as she walks off giving Braxley the bottle.
“How was he?” I ask Char as she sets his backpack down by the door.
“He was good, we worked on his swing this weekend at the field by my house, and he hit a home run.”
Jack is now by Braxley, adoring his brother, and I holler over to him, “You hit a home run, bud?”
“Yeah, Dad, it was so sick.”
I chuckle at the slang rolling off his tongue, and Char shrugs her shoulders, going over to see the baby too.
“You want a glass of wine?” I ask her, knowing she’ll likely stay and visit for a while.
“No, Wellington has dinner plans for us.”
“Even more of a reason to drink,” I tease her and get the evil eye. As much as I give her a hard time about her new boyfriend, I really like the guy and so does Jack. “I’m sure he’ll be taking you out for some Beef Wellington.”
“Thane!” Faye scolds me, and I hand her the glass of wine. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” I tell her before I go out to flip the food on the grill.
“Bye, Thane,” Char calls, and I give her a wave.
Closing the grill again, our food is about done. I turn to head back inside, but the sight of my family stops me. Engraving into my memory. Braxley is holding Benjamin, while Jack is sitting to his right feeding the baby his bottle, and my gorgeous Faye is taking in the sight too, sitting on the other side of Braxley. As Faye laughs at something they say, her eyes meet mine.
“I love you,” I mouth the words to her, and she says them back to me, my heart stammering from every silent syllable. I don’t care how long we’re together, I’ll never, ever, get tired of those words.
Acknowledgments
William, where do I even start? This story, oh my God, this story was so hard to write. It made me think about just how lucky I am to have you. How blessed I am to wake up every single day with you by my side. Thank you for being the most amazing man I’ve ever known. I love you more than you’ll ever know, more than my next…or final breath.
Lisa, my amazing editor, this one is so bittersweet. We’ve done fifteen books together now and this one being our last is sad, but I also know you’re following your dreams and that makes me so happy. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for molding me into the writer I am today—for believing in me—for pushing me. I love you, doll!
Leticia and Janice, my fabulous proofreaders, you two are the best. Leticia, you are and always will be my baby girl. Janice, thank you for being my mama. I love you both. You both make these stories flawless, and I’m grateful beyond words for all you do.
To my Beta Team, your feedback and support are instrumental in what I do. Especially, you, Karrie, and my sassy sisters, thank you for believing in me and making this story a work of perfection.
Crystal, my amazing Personal Assistant, thank you for pushing me to finish this story, and more importantly, for believing in it. I hope it’s everything you wanted and more. Your drive and dedication is so appreciated, I hope you know that. I love you.
Natalie, your undying friendship and support has touched my heart. I’m proud to call you a sister. I can’t wait to work with you and see where this journey takes both of us for the years to come.
Last, but absolutely not least: the readers, reviewers, bloggers, and my ARC team. I hope you all loved this story. I know it wasn’t an easy read, hell, it was hard to write, but the journey and the happily ev
er after were worth it. I did it for each and every one of you—thank you all so very, very much.
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