by Laura Martin
‘A few weeks, as soon as we can organise it.’
‘And then...?’
‘What do you mean?’ He saw the flicker of concern on her face and wondered what Priscilla was worrying about. She worried a lot, quietly and secretly, but sometimes he could see flashes of it in her expressions and her actions.
‘Will you return to India?’
He sighed. He’d been meaning to talk to the girls about this.
‘I think I’m going to have to,’ he said, watching Priscilla’s expression. ‘I have my business over there, a lot invested in it. I need to at the very least go over for a few months to hand the reins over more permanently to someone else.’
She nodded as if she understood.
‘Miss Salinger and I wanted to discuss this with you girls. We thought you might like to make the voyage with us. It would be a long time at sea and then perhaps six months in India before the trip home.’ He watched her face to try to gauge her reaction.
‘You wouldn’t leave us behind?’
‘No, definitely not. Not if you wanted to come with us.’ He smiled at her softly. ‘If you both really did not wish to go, then Miss Salinger would stay here with you—we would never leave you alone.’
The idea of having to leave Selina behind for what would probably be nearly two years almost ripped him in two, but they had both agreed the girls couldn’t lose them both at the same time. Hopefully Priscilla and Theodosia would want to join them on the trip, but if not he knew Selina would have to stay, even if they both would suffer every minute they were apart.
‘What do you think?’ he prompted her softly. It was so hard to fathom what was going on behind her blue eyes.
‘We’d get to see the world, to see India. Of course we’d rather that than staying here.’
He smiled, wanting to lean over and hug his niece, but knowing the movement could unbalance her.
‘Good.’
Matthew was about to call ahead to tell Theodosia the plan when he noticed she had got a little further away that she should have.
‘I’m going to ride up and get your sister,’ he said. ‘Wait here, I’ll be back soon.’
Urging his horse into a canter, he made up the ground quickly, slowing a few paces before he got level with his younger niece to ensure he did not surprise her horse.
‘Time to go back, Theodosia,’ he said, showing her how to pull on the reins gently to guide the horse round to face the other way. As they started back he saw Priscilla up ahead turn her horse around and slowly begin to head in the opposite direction.
‘Wait for me, Priscilla,’ Theodosia called, never liking to be left behind. She urged her horse forward, pressing her heels in just a little too hard and making the mare spring into a canter. Matthew called out, speeding to catch her up, all the time having visions of her slipping from the saddle and falling to the floor.
‘Pull on the reins,’ he shouted. ‘Nice and firmly, but no sudden movements.’
He didn’t know if Theodosia had heard him, but there was no slowing of her horse. Quickly he caught up with her and saw in her surprise at the change of speed she’d dropped her hold on the reins and was now fumbling to pick them up. He placed them into her hands and watched as she pulled firmly on them, immediately slowing to a much more sedate pace.
‘Well done,’ he said, trying not to let on how his heart was hammering away in his chest. ‘You handled that well.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, looking over at him and giving him a beaming smile. Matthew looked back, checking Priscilla was not in any trouble. His eyes widened as he saw her hurtling towards them at high speed, her hair flying loose behind her and a mask of panic on her face. Before he could react Priscilla’s horse had raced passed them and in doing so Priscilla’s leg had caught Theodosia’s. Theodosia was wrenched from the saddle and thrown to the ground with such force Matthew heard a sickening crack and saw her little body bounce and shudder at the impact. In an instant he’d dismounted and was crouching down by her side, praying that she would open her eyes and give him one of her beautiful smiles.
There was nothing, no reaction, no movement, and he felt his whole body tense as he picked up his hand and rested it on her chest, petrified he wouldn’t feel the steady thump of her heart. Matthew felt the relief seep through him as he detected her heartbeat and saw the steady rise and fall of her chest with her breathing. Still there was no response to his touch and when he gently opened her eyelid he saw only the whites.
He knew there wasn’t much he could do for her out here, so he quickly scooped her up into his arms and laid her gently over the front of his horse. Vaulting up behind her, he picked her up and cradled her as he urged his horse forward, all the time aware he also needed to check Priscilla was unharmed.
Matthew rode as fast as he dared, his mind filled with terrible thoughts and a huge sense of guilt. Theodosia was his responsibility and now she was hurt. Hugging her to him, he almost cried out with relief as he spotted Priscilla, now dismounted and leading her horse at a much more sedate pace. She looked unharmed.
‘What’s happened to Thea?’ There was panic lacing her voice and a raw fear in her eyes.
‘She fell. I need to get her back to the house.’
Priscilla nodded, her eyes roaming over Theodosia’s limp body.
‘I’ll send out someone to come and accompany you home,’ he said. He hated leaving her here like this, but he knew the most important thing was getting Theodosia back to the house. Priscilla was in the grounds, she would be safe, and one of the grooms would be with her in a matter of minutes.
Spurring his horse on, he made the mistake of looking back at Priscilla’s drawn face. She’d lost nearly everyone dear to her and now Theodosia was seriously hurt, too. It was exactly the same look he’d seen on Theodosia’s face when Priscilla had been lying in bed delirious with fever and it was a stark reminder of how close the two little girls were, how they relied on one another for love and comfort.
* * *
‘Help me,’ Matthew commanded as he reached the stable yard at the back of the house. Two of the grooms immediately came to his side, lifting down Theodosia while he dismounted. ‘Priscilla is out near the dead oak tree, take a horse and go get her as quickly as you can. Brooks, ride for Dr Barrington, ask him to come immediately.’
Gently he took Theodosia back into his arms and headed for the house.
‘What’s happened?’ Selina asked as soon as he walked through the front door. She was by his side immediately, stroking Theodosia’s head with concern.
‘She fell from her horse,’ he said stiffly. It was his fault, his responsibility, and he couldn’t bring himself to look Selina in the eye.
‘Has she said anything?’
‘Nothing. She was knocked unconscious by the fall and hasn’t woken. I’ll take her up to her bed.’
Selina nodded, following closely behind. Together they manoeuvred the little girl into her bed, with Selina pulling back the sheets before he set her down. When she was lying with her head on the pillow he stepped back, willing Theodosia to open her eyes and feeling his dread deepen when she stayed completely still.
‘I’ve sent for the doctor,’ he said, watching all the time for any little sign of movement.
‘Thea, darling, open your eyes for me. We’re terribly worried.’ There was no response, not even a flicker of an eyelid. ‘Squeeze my hand if you can, my angel,’ Selina said, taking the little girl’s limp hand in her own.
Matthew took a step back and then another. It felt as though the walls of the room were moving slowly inwards, slowly coming to crush him. His shirt felt tight at his throat and the muscles of his neck seemed to thicken, making it hard for him to breathe.
‘Thea, darling, we’re right here with you,’ Selina said.
With an effort he pushed away the panic. Right now Theodosia needed him. Lat
er there would be time for recriminations and self-blame, but now he needed to focus on doing whatever he could to help his niece recover.
Slowly he came back across the room to the bed, sitting down beside Selina and reaching out to smooth Theodosia’s blonde curls from her forehead. Carefully he ran his fingers across her scalp, probing softly until he found what he was looking for: a large lump, growing by the second, in the hair just below her right temple.
‘What happened?’ There were tears in her eyes as she turned to him.
‘Theodosia lost control so I went after her and helped her slow down, but then Priscilla’s horse was frightened and raced away. Theodosia’s leg was caught and it unbalanced her and she tumbled to the ground.’ As he spoke he realised how inadequate his supervision had been. Both girls had been inexperienced riders and he should have taken a groom with him to help in a situation such as this.
He looked again at her deadly still form in the bed, having to watch carefully to check for the rise and fall of her chest that showed she was still breathing.
‘She’ll wake up soon,’ Selina said with more conviction than he was sure she felt. ‘She has to.’
‘Thea,’ Priscilla shouted, running into the room. ‘Is she awake?’
Matthew felt his heart squeeze as the little girl flung herself towards her unconscious sister, kissing her pale cheeks and lacing their fingers together in a firm grip.
‘Wake up, Thea,’ Priscilla begged, the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. ‘Please wake up.’
Selina made space for Priscilla beside her, allowing the little girl to be cradled in her arms while still holding on tightly to Theodosia.
‘The doctor is on his way,’ Selina reassured her.
‘I’m sorry, Thea. It’s all my fault.’ Priscilla spoke so quietly Matthew barely heard her and it took a moment for the words to register.
When they did he stood and moved around so he was in front of Priscilla, then knelt down before her. ‘It is not your fault,’ he said firmly. ‘Don’t ever think that.’
‘I lost control of my horse.’
‘It was my fault,’ Matthew admitted. ‘Neither of you was experienced enough to go out with just me. I lost control of the situation. You did absolutely nothing wrong.’
‘But I...’
‘Absolutely nothing wrong,’ he reiterated, waiting for Priscilla to nod before he rose.
They sat in silence for a long time, the minutes ticking past, all mesmerised by the rise and fall of Theodosia’s chest, no one daring to look away in case the movement stopped.
* * *
Selina glanced at Matthew’s drawn face and wished she could reach out and embrace him. Theodosia was being checked over by the doctor, a sombre man whose expressions did not give anything away. Matthew looked full of guilt and pain and every moment that passed without Theodosia waking up he was withdrawing further and further into himself.
‘Nothing is broken, nothing is outwardly wrong,’ Dr Barrington said eventually, straightening up and turning to address Matthew. ‘Most of the time with injuries to the head such as this the patient just wakes up.’
‘Most of the time?’
Doctor Barrington shrugged. ‘Sometimes they don’t...’ he held up his hands ‘...but in this case there are no worrying signs, no seizures, no abnormal movements, no differences in her pupils.’
‘When will she wake up?’ Selina asked, refusing to believe Theodosia wouldn’t come back to them.
‘It could be a matter of hours or it could be days. Unfortunately all we can do is wait.’
‘There is nothing you can do? Nothing we can do?’
‘No.’ The doctor picked up his bag and walked towards the door. ‘If nothing changes, I will come back tomorrow and see her again. If you have any concerns in the meantime, send someone for me.’
‘Thank you,’ Matthew said, his voice flat.
Once the doctor had left Selina crossed the room to Matthew and took one of his hands in her own.
‘She will wake up,’ she said, ‘She’s so strong.’
He nodded, but Selina could see the doubt and self-recrimination in his eyes.
‘I’ll bring up some chairs so we can sit with her. I don’t want her waking up alone.’
Matthew was only gone for a few minutes before he returned with a couple of footmen in tow, each carrying one of the comfortable armchairs from the library. Priscilla was lying down on the bed next to her sister, stroking her hair and arms, murmuring words that were too quiet for them to hear. Selina marvelled at the bond between the two girls. For a long time they’d only had each other and now she knew nothing would induce Priscilla to move away from her little sister’s side.
They sat, each lost in their own thoughts as the light outside faded and the evening drew in. Mrs Fellows appeared to bring them first some tea and then a selection of sandwiches, but the food lay untouched on the tray. Even the sour old housekeeper looked worried and popped into the little bedroom more than was strictly necessary, Selina suspected, to check if anything had changed.
* * *
‘Get some rest,’ Matthew said softly as the evening crept into night. Priscilla had fallen asleep an hour ago, still cradling her little sister, and Selina’s eyes had begun to droop as even the candles weren’t enough to save the room from darkness. ‘I’ll sit up with her.’
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Selina said. She glanced across at the man she loved and reached out for his hand. ‘This isn’t your fault,’ she said softly.
‘It is. I shouldn’t have pushed them so hard, shouldn’t have expected so much of them. They were inexperienced, but I thought I could handle both of them and now Theodosia is paying the price.’
‘It was an unfortunate accident, nothing more. There was no malice, no neglect, it could have happened to anyone.’
‘But it didn’t.’
Selina knew what he was thinking, she could see it written across his face. It had been the first time he’d taken the girls out alone and Theodosia had been seriously injured. He was doubting his ability to care for them, doubting his suitability as their guardian.
She was about to say something more when there was a little sigh from the bed and immediately both of their heads snapped around. Theodosia was shifting a little, her eyes still closed and the same peaceful expression on her face, but she had rolled over on to her side and curled up as she always did when she was sleeping.
‘Thea,’ Selina said softly, rising and going to her side. ‘Wake up, Thea.’
She almost shouted with relief as the little girl’s eyes flickered open and focused on her for a second before closing again.
‘She’s awake,’ Selina said, pulling Matthew over so he could see for himself.
‘Thea, open your eyes for me.’
The little girl frowned, wriggling on to her back and screwing up her nose. ‘Don’t want to,’ she muttered.
Selina kissed her on her forehead and cheeks, making her squirm even more. Matthew let out a huge exhalation and Selina saw a little of the tension seep from his shoulders.
‘My head hurts,’ Theodosia said as she allowed her eyes to open.
‘You had an accident,’ Selina explained. ‘You fell from your horse and hit your head. I’m sure it’ll feel better in the morning.’
Theodosia nodded sleepily and snuggled in to her sister’s warm body, promptly closing her eyes and falling back asleep.
Selina turned to Matthew and buried herself in his arms, breathing deeply, feeling her body begin to shake. While Theodosia had been unconscious she had held all of the worry in a tight ball inside her. Now that worry was spilling out. She felt the tears of relief flood her eyes and spill on to her cheeks and wrapped her arms tighter around Matthew as he placed a kiss on her head and began to murmur reassuringly to her.
‘She’s fine,’ she manag
ed to splutter through her tears. ‘She’s absolutely fine.’
A headache was unpleasant, but was hardly the worst that could have happened and Selina had spent the last few hours imagining the worst.
Matthew nodded, his body still stiff, and Selina knew he would find it hard to forgive himself even now Theodosia had woken up. He’d withdrawn into himself a little, his eyes had become shuttered, any sentences he was forced to say more abrupt than usual.
‘Go and rest,’ he said insistently when Selina took a step back. ‘She’s going to need us to look after her these next few days. I’ll sit with her for now, you can take over when you’re rested.’
His words made sense, but Selina didn’t want to leave him alone. She knew he would be sitting here in the dark, mulling over all the ways he had failed his nieces.
Already he had turned away, sitting back in the armchair and focusing his eyes on Theodosia’s sleeping form.
Selina hesitated and then slipped out the door. Tomorrow he would see Theodosia was back to normal and there was no lasting damage. Perhaps then he could begin to forgive himself.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Matthew prowled around his study picking up sheets of paper and books of invoices and flicking through them, but not seeing the figures on the pages. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything for days, not since Theodosia’s accident. She had bounced back to her normal self quickly once she’d woken up. For a day she’d complained of headaches, but after that it had been almost as if the accident hadn’t happened. At least to the little girl. In Matthew’s mind it was happening over and over again.
He knew he was being distant with Selina and the girls, knew he was pushing them away when he needed them the most, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. He was caught up in a cycle of self-recrimination and self-doubt. He felt like a failure, the only time he’d looked after the girls on his own and Theodosia had got badly hurt. All the fears and worries from his younger life were resurfacing and once again he was beginning to doubt if he was fit to be entrusted with the care of other people. Perhaps his decision-making abilities were innately flawed.
