by Pamela Ann
My palms stroked my bare stomach. My throat caught as I tried to speak. “I barely just found out about you… and a couple of hours after learning of your existence, I had to make drastic decisions. I’m so sorry, but your father needs you to sleep… forever. Forgive me.” I cried harder as the realization crushed me again. “I’ll sleep in the dark with you, my love… I’ll stay by your side. You’ll always have me there… with you.”
Sleep eluded me that night. I ended up curling up in my bed, staring at the clock, until it was time for me to get ready. I wasn’t wholly baffled with Harry’s attitude. One thing that truly mattered to him was his inheritance. He was the first - born son, and he stood to get more compared to his brother Harold, who hated his brother with a passion The feeling was mutual, brotherly love was non-existent between the two. I’d met Harold a few times and, let me just say, that the man was quite vocal about what he really felt about his brother. I never quite got why those two didn’t really get along, though.
Thinking about all the consequences that could unfold made me sick with dread, but what really gutted me was the unavoidable truth. I would be the one to face all of them, to be castigated and surely carry my family’s scorn and loathing, if the affair ever got out. My pregnancy would definitely cause another string of explosions along the way. It would be like walking through a field of landmines. One explosion would lead to another, a never - ending chain of devastation. The damage would be severe… and I would have to wear the scars. Forever.
Even if the scars that I carried were only emotional, I would certainly be shrouded almost completely by them. It would surely tear me apart. Frayed, that’s how this is going to leave me.
As promised, a hired, black-tinted Audi showed up promptly at seven-forty five in the morning. The driver greeted me, but I barely gave him a ghost of a smile.
I was dressed rather odd compared to my normal summer clothes. I needed something warm and comfy, so I chose loose sweatpants even though it’s nearly June. I had a soft sweater and the largest sunglasses I could find on, too. I wanted to crawl and hide somewhere dark and cold, locking myself in until this could all just blow over.
I was simply scared, shitless.
A small part of me hoped that Harry was waiting for me inside the car, but that hope was immediately squashed as I peered into the depths of the car. I was going to have to do this all on my own. True, I could’ve had Lindsey with me, to be there and hold my hand, but I wasn’t ready for anyone to know.
For the past few days, I endlessly thought of everything—the outcome and all the ugly scenarios my imagination could come up with. Although I knew I was without a doubt pregnant, I still hadn’t wrapped my mind around it completely. Everything seemed surreal for me. From Harry’s intensely crass treatment, to his brash indifference, to this journey to the abortion clinic—it all felt like a bad nightmare—and a major part of me wished I was going to wake up soon.
Fairytales were made for people with rose-tinted glasses, though. Indeed, I never considered myself to be one of those. Granted, I may have deluded myself into believing I could be that kind of person when I realized I was completely and irreversibly in love with Harry. That surely didn’t last long, however. I knew sooner or later, we would have to end. What I didn’t expect was how short of a time we had because I simply wasn’t ready to let him go. Even after how he treated me, I still loved that twit of a man.
I hadn’t realized that we had arrived until the driver killed the engine and got out of the car to open the door for me. The private clinic screamed exclusive and expensive from their heavily tinted windows, to the fast approaching, well-dressed, aged man striding towards me in a charcoal suit. This place must’ve cost Harry a good penny. I guess fucking Harry was really going to play the scared little boy, running away with his balls between his legs.
The man introduced himself and held out his hand. I absently shook it, but didn’t return his cheerful greeting. I just nodded and sent off a bitchy attitude. Hell, there was nothing to be happy about. I’m already mourning the loss of my unborn baby, and I suppose I was always going to, there was no need for me to pretend that it was all okay , too.
The nameless man, since I was too uninterested to listen to his yapping and didn’t catch his name, ushered me inside the tinted building. After a quick elevator ride, and a couple of doors, I was introduced to a female nurse. The sympathetic Latina woman, didn’t have to say anything, I knew she understood and was empathetic about my situation from the slight touches she gave me. It was somewhere in between… Be strong, no one is judging you… and you’re not alone, I’m here if you need to talk about your fears… Of course, I never uttered a word, but it was comforting to know all the same.
The nurse handed me papers to read through and sign. Afterwards, she instructed me to pee in one of those plastic cups and bring it back to her. I reluctantly did as she requested, handing her the half-pint size container with my fluids when I was done.
“Thank you, Trista. I will be sending this to the lab. I will be back quickly. Feel free to make yourself comfortable. We will get to your blood work once I get back.” She gave me an easy smile before she left me alone in the room.
After ten minutes or so, she was back. She then prepped me to get four vials of blood out of my weak arm. I hated needles, but I didn’t even wince when the big thick needle pricked me. I was beyond the point of numbness. If someone would ha ’ ve slapped me right now, I wouldn’t even have felt it.
“All done, Hon’. I will be back after we get the results. It shouldn’t be long now and then we can get started.” The nurse gave me another warm smile before she exited the room.
The room was like any other gynecologist’s exam room except it was painted in a nude tone with a mural on one wall of the San Diego coast. Soft sounds of Debussy filtered through the room. I knew that every single time I heard his music from now on, I would associate it with this memory. I would never enjoy his masterpieces like I used to.
I dug out my phone when I heard it vibrate.
Emma, it said.
Lately, she’d been calling constantly, and I knew I would have to pick up soon before she started calling Lindsey to check on me.
Out of the four of us, Emma was the lucky one. Why? Because she was not n’t a fuck up like the rest of us. Lindsey was rattled by her parents’ death at a young age, and from time to time, she would channel her frustration and sadness into lashing out at men—men like Brody or Cooper, usually. Amber had the most screwed up childhood, though. Her parents completely ignored her. I clearly remembered Amber’s rebellion strategy, thinking that it would get her attention and the love that she craved so much, but it simply didn’t work. Nothing did, it seemed, when it came to Mr. and Mrs. Harrison’s only child; they remained blissfully unattached.
Emma was the easiest to talk to, compared to Lindsey and Amber. Emma had that kind of personality where it’s easy to unload all of your skeletons because you knew she wouldn’t breathe a word about it, and wouldn’t dream of judging you over it, either. All good girls have an Achilles heel though, and hers was Carter Mason. Hopefully that stupid, lovey-dovey haze she was in was lifted off now that she knew what kind of man he was to her and she was starting to move on with Bass. Girlfriend deserved better than hotshot, cheating-ass Carter.
When my phone vibrated again, I wasn’t a bit surprised that it was Emma again. I finally relented and took the call. “Hey, Doll. What’s up?” I greeted her in a flat, cheerless tone. My voice mirrored what I felt, and what I was going through; I didn’t have the energy to hide it.
“What’s wrong? You sound horrible. You okay?” Emma was obviously worried, nothing new there, though hearing her familiar voice gave me strength.
“Not really. I’m just going through some difficult stuff. I know you’re going to ask what, but I’m not ready to talk about it.” My voice wobbled and the last few words came out in a whisper.
“Oh no, let me go call Linds. She’ll be there quic
k—” Emma sounded like she was trying to help, but seeing Lindsey was definitely not one of the brightest ideas.
I panicked at her suggestion and cut her off before she got any more ideas. “No, please don’t do that. I love that woman to death, but I want to be alone. I will catch up with you guys once we get there in a few weeks okay? I’m sorry I’m being rude, Em. It’s just tough right now.”
She gave a helpless sigh. “Fine, I respect that. Make sure you get on that plane, okay? This island will heal you of whatever demons you’re going through. Trust me on this. Just get on that damn plane then we can weed through one problem at a time when you get here, comprende?” I smiled when she said comprende. It was a Lindsey thing, and hearing Emma say it made me miss her even more.
I doubt there was a place on earth that could heal me, yet I didn’t tell Emma that. Worrying her was the last thing I needed to do. “Even if I want to miss the flight, I don’t think Lindsey will allow me. Three weeks will be here before we know it and I will be there, enjoying the Grecian sun with you.” The picture I painted out did sound quite inviting, and being around my friends would surely lift my spirits up, whatever was left of them.
“Damn straight girly! I look forward to seeing both of my Dollfaces,” Emma said with excitement, but she immediately paused. “Uh, I have something else to tell you… Carter’s been emailing me on a daily basis. I haven’t replied to any of it, but he stills sends them. These emails are mostly about how his day went and what not… do you think I should respond to any of them?”
The hellish fucker, when would he ever stop with Emma? “Listen up, Em… You’re not obligated to reply to those emails. Ignore them and pretend they’re not there. You will not open any of those emails and read them. You do get that this will fuck things up with Bass, right? I know you mentioned that you two aren’t official—that you’re in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase—but you should know better! Unless you’re not into Bass, that is. Then go right ahead and read them.” It’s only been a few months since Carter and Emma broke up. It’s clearly normal for her to still have a wee bit of affection towards her ex, but come on! Bass Cole was hot and heavy for her. I didn’t want my friend to mess that up. Bass was the solid deal. Anyone with eyes would know that he was serious with Emma. That’s just a simple fact.
“Seriously, I’m stupidly crazy about Bass. We’ve been inseparable. You’re right; I will go on and ignore them. I’ve got to go. We have a bonfire going with some of the crew out on the beach. See you very soon, Babe. I love you and I’m only a phone call away.” Emma spoke with utmost sincerity . , I i t simply made me tear up.
I mumbled my thanks and told her that I loved her too before I hung up. It was a good thing that I decided to pick up when Emma called. As short as the phone call was, it had alleviated a tiny fraction of the dark shroud that blanketed me.
The door burst open and the nurse entered. She went to one of the cabinets and handed me a hospital gown. “Trista? Here’s the gown for you to change in. I’ll be taking you to the surgery room afterwards.”
I took the gown away from her hands and stood up. “Okay,” I murmured quietly, before I went inside the bathroom. I changed into my hospital garb on autopilot. When I emerged from the bathroom, the nurse was still there, patiently waiting for me.
“You can leave your things here. Everything is secure, so you don’t have to worry about your items being stolen.” She held the door open for me and I stepped out of the room.
The well-lit hallway reminded me of being in a movie where the person was heading for a death penalty execution, sterile and cold. A few more turns and a corridor later, I finally arrived in the surgery room. Positioned in the middle of the bright room was the “execution” table. The medical staff met me cordially before a female doctor greeted me and from then on, things happened quickly.
I was instructed to get on the daunting surgical table while they started preparing everything. As soon as I laid down, I immediately closed my eyes and tried to drown out the sound of everyone. Only opening them when the doctor addressed me, “Trista? This procedure will be very quick. It’s going to be over before you know it. How are you feeling?” The doctor’s kind eyes probed into me.
I blinked back a few times before I responded to her question. “I’ve been better.” If I really had a choice, I would’ve stayed mum and ignored her completely, but heck, she was my doctor, I was obligated to respond.
A nurse tapped my arm and searched for a vein to prick a needle into. “We’re going to give you something to sedate you.” The doctor smiled down at me before she nodded towards the nurse, which I took as a signal to start injecting me with the sedative.
“How are we feeling? Still good?” the doctor asked me again after the nurse finished with my arm. I gave her a small nod, deciding to not really talk if I didn’t need to.
I saw her nod her head again and I heard some stuff being carted towards us. The doctor then started shooting questions at me. I suppose it was a strategy to distract me from what’s really going on around me. What did you major in? What do you want to be? Do you like the beach? Do you like Sea World? I mumbled my replies to all of her mild, pseudo-interrogation, questions. She kept on going until I thought I couldn’t stand it anymore, then everything started to get blurry. Her voice had begun to sound like she was speaking through a glass wall as my senses started to decline quickly. The noisy background heightened before my lids drooped low and shut completely, the noise fading right along with my consciousness. Darkness swallowed me whole. Silence filled me.
* * *
I woke up disoriented and slightly drugged as I took in my surroundings. I might’ve grunted a bit since a nurse immediately had begun seeing to me.
“How are you feeling, dear? When you’re feeling a little stronger, we have tea and crackers for you to nibble on. Do you need some water?” the nurse checked on my vitals as she went along asking questions.
“No, I’m okay.” I spoke with a dry mouth and explicit tightness in my chest. It was done… no more… pregnancy.
“Sleep some more. You did great, Trista. I will be back to check on you shortly.” The nurse gave me a pleasant smile before she took hold of my hand for some type of affection. It was a comforting gesture that I appreciated greatly.
Even in my drugged stupor, sleep didn’t come again. I laid in the silence of the room, my mind taking stock of the minute that slipped away. It took the nurse exactly an hour until she came by again with the promised tea and crackers.
“Thank you,” I murmured as my hand reached out for the tea. It shook slightly as I brought it to my lips. The nurse sat next to me as I finished the snack she had brought, silently giving me comfort with her presence. I had the impression it was mandatory to eat them since we were barred from eating anything the night before and because of the blood loss from the procedure.
Before I checked-out of the private clinic, the nurse gave me a year’s supply of birth control pills, condoms and was told to get myself checked three weeks later to make sure my uterus was intact and not scarred from the procedure. I bravely bid her goodbye before I left the place.
The driver helped me to get inside the car, once I was comfortably seated, I heard him clear his throat. “Ms. Stevens, I was told to give you this.” The driver handed me a letter.
I dared not to open it until I reached my place. I knew what it was, though. It was Harry’s goodbye. The idiot wasn’t brave enough to come and see me through this ordeal. He wasn’t courageous enough to face me in person to end our affair, either. The letter was the best he could muster.
After the three-hour jaunt, I was finally back at my place. My fingers were fumbling as I tried to open the small piece of paper that held my life, my love. My eyes scanned the letter, but all I could see were the words, I’m sorry to do this, but this has to end.
My fears were right. I knew it was coming and yet I couldn’t bring myself to really believe it. Now here it was, in bold lettering. With
shaky legs and in a trancelike state, I sought the toilet. Something recoiled in my stomach and I tried to wretch all of it out, but nothing came. I sadly laughed about it as tears flowed. “I’m not even granted some release from the pain.” Torture me some more, karma. Give me all you’ve got until all the fight’s left me.
Chapter 4
Present
Trista
We arrived in Aspasia mid-afternoon on a Tuesday. Lindsey look well rested since she slept most of the flight from LA to London, and another few more hours from London to Athens. I was glad she was wide - awake during our short Cessna flight from Athens to Aspasia. I didn’t sleep a wink on either flight since , it had been impossible. I was left alone with my thoughts, which liberally played havoc with my sanity, so having Lindsey final awake during the last leg of our journey had been a relief.
I heard Lindsey make an excited squeal. “Man, Emma wasn’t kidding about these pimped out golf carts.” I saw her greet the driver and shake his hand. The young Greek male looked enthralled but a bit shy about it. I walked over to the cart and hopped inside.
Lindsey was busy talking to the man. How long have you worked here? How old are you? Do you watch when they start filming? She kept going on and on about everything. That’s Lindsey for you.
Okay, I admit that the island was absolutely gorgeous, and that I am a wee bit excited to be spending a month here. The beautiful Aegean Sea was breathtaking to look at. The soft clean breeze that went along with the view helped ease some of my tension.
From the looks of it, this private island was well equipped with everything. The lavish design and architecture showed understated elegance. It was modern-meets-old-school-Mediterranean-style.
When the driver stopped at the very last cottage on the lane, Linds and I immediately hopped out. “Your belongings will be delivered shortly. Miss Emma is still out filming, but someone is here to welcome you. Enjoy your stay in Aspasia. More importantly, have a lot of fun in Greece. You have never seen true beauty until you’ve seen Greece.” The young man grinned at us and gave us a nod before he left.
