‘Timothy would not let us travel home to be near you. He insists on staying in the city, although it is unbearably hot, and everyone of fashion is leaving.’
‘Go to Bath, then. Somewhere that suits you.’
She sighed. ‘I did not want Bath. I longed for the comforts of home. If he does not wish to follow, I cannot very well force him. He may stay in the city with the children for all I care.’
‘You left your husband and your children as well.’ Adam shook his head in disgust.
She shifted, allowing her robe to fall open, so that there could be no mistake of her plans for the next hour. ‘I am totally alone, if you still fear discovery. My servants know better than to talk. And your wife spends most days poring over her books, does she not? No one will be the wiser.’
‘I thought I made it clear that there would be nothing more between us.’
‘On the contrary. You think that by saying nothing, and running away from me, you can end what we had together. If you truly wanted to end it, you would have told me so, outright. But I think you are afraid to speak to me. You are still not sure what you will say to me, Adam, when we are alone. And I have your letters, you know. I read them often. I know the contents of your heart.’
He felt a wave of humiliation, remembering the things he had written to her. Words he wished he’d have saved for the woman who deserved them. ‘That is all in the past, Clare. If you must hear me speak the truth plainly, before you believe it, then listen now. Anything that there was between us is at an end. I will not come crawling back to you like a whipped dog. I have a wife now.’
‘Why should it matter? I have always had a husband, and it did not seem to bother you.’
The mention of Tim cut at his heart. ‘It bothered me a great deal, Clarissa. He is my friend.’
‘And I am your lover.’
‘Do not dignify what we did by calling it love. There was no higher feeling involved than lust. I disgusted myself with my behaviour.’
She laughed. ‘You did not seem so disgusted at the time, as I remember it.’
‘I betrayed Tim. That was why you were so eager to snare me, was it not? You enjoyed our liaisons all the more, for knowing how it would hurt your husband.’
‘I viewed it as a challenge,’ she admitted. ‘To see if my charms were strong enough to break your fragile sense of honour. And it snapped like a twig. Now you think silence, distance and a hasty marriage is all it will take to gain your freedom.
‘Do you not remember trying this trick before with me? The cold silence. You lasted for six months. And when you came back, I made you beg before I would let you share my bed.’ She tipped her head to the side and smiled in remembrance. ‘It was really quite amusing. I wonder what I shall make you do this time, once you grow bored with your shop clerk and you want me again.’
He heard the words and, for the first time in months, everything came clear. Suddenly, as if a bond had been cut, he felt truly free of her. And it was his turn to laugh. ‘You trapped me well, with your sly affections and your subtle advances. You came to me when I was most vulnerable, when I was troubled, or lonely, or too drunk to care what I was doing. You used my weaknesses against me and took what you wanted. And afterwards, you left me broken. Cursed by my actions, ashamed of what I had become.
‘But when Penny found me in that state, she gave herself to me until I was healed. She has made me, in a few short weeks, into the man I wished I was. I can never give her what she truly deserves, for nothing I have is equal to her casual generosity towards me.
‘I love her, Clarissa. And I never loved you.’
She laughed back at him. Long and hard and unladylike. ‘Never mind, then. For she appears to have made you into the very thing I abhor. The virtuous prig that you never were, before you met her. Your head is full of romantic nonsense. What you mistake for sincerity is emotional claptrap. I wash my hands of you.’
He felt a flood of relief. And then he saw her smile, which was sly and catlike, and knew that there was no chance in the world that he would escape so easily.
She continued. ‘Since your love for her is true, I assume that you have her heart as well. So she will stand by you, head held high, while I reveal the particulars of our relationship to the world. You detailed in writing what we had done, and what you wished to do. I could send the letters to your wife, as a belated wedding gift. Or shall I leave them for Timothy some morning, mixed up with the mail? Or I could take them to our friends in London, to read aloud. Everyone will find it most diverting, I am sure.’
The idea of it turned his stomach. There was so much shame to be had in his past behaviour. Heaps of disgrace for all concerned. Timothy would no longer be able to feign ignorance, and must be moved to act. He would meet his best friend at dawn with a weapon in his hand, and attempt to defend himself for an indefensible action.
Will would shake his head in pity, as he had at the news of the marriage, and at all the other stupid things Adam had done in his life. Perhaps Adam was destined to be an eternal source of disappointment, and a terrible example to his brother.
But Penny. If Penny found out, it would be worst of all. Would she be more hurt by a full revelation from Clare, or would the ton throw the information back in her face some night, when she least expected it? Either way, it did not seem likely that she would wish to make love to him in the library, once she knew all the sordid details of his affair. She might return to her study and never venture forth again.
And the worst of it was that the truth could leave him relatively untouched. What did it matter what people said of him? For no matter how shocked the world might be, he was Bellston until he died.
But it would wound the people most dear to his heart.
What were the alternatives? He could return to Clarissa, to buy her silence for a time, and hope that she would grow bored enough to let him go. It would hurt the same people just as much, if not more. For how could he claim that his infidelity was meant to lessen the damage? There was no easy answer. But the choice between right and wrong was clear. Better to bear the agony, lance the wound, and allow the poison to drain, than to leave things as they were, dying from within.
He opened his eyes and stared at Clarissa. ‘Do your worst, then. I should have expected no less from you, for you are wicked to the bone. Bring down the ruin upon my head. It is just as I have deserved, and I have known for a long time that there was no preventing it. What will happen will happen. But do not think that you can control me any longer with the fear of revelation. Whatever may occur, I am through with you, Clarissa.’
And he turned and left the room, feeling lighter than he had, despite the sense of impending doom.
Chapter Twenty
Penny sat in the library, watching the blur of sunlight through the leaded windows, as she cleaned her glasses with her handkerchief. Her husband had been right: the air was sweeter here, and the sunshine more bright than any place else on earth.
And then a shadow fell upon her table. Timothy Colton stood, blocking the light from the door.
She smiled and stood, reaching out for his hand. ‘Timothy. Whatever are you doing in Wales?’
He was leaning against the door frame, and as her vision cleared, she took note of his appearance. He was the worse for both drink and travel. His hair was wind- blown, his coat dirty, and he smelled of whisky, though it was not yet noon. ‘I live here, as does Clarissa. We are near enough to walk the distance on a clear day.’ He smiled mirthlessly. ‘Did your husband not tell you of the fact?’
She racked her brain, hoping that there had been a revelation, and that she had forgotten. ‘No.’
‘Now, why do you suppose he would forget to mention it?’
There had to be a reason. He had said that Tim was a childhood friend. And she knew that Clarissa had been there, the night of the fire. But had he told her they would be neighbours? He must have assumed she would know. ‘I am sure it was a harmless omission.’
‘Really. Th
en he did not tell you, this morning, that he has gone to my home, to be with my wife.’
‘He would not,’ she said.
‘I was there, and saw them together myself.’
‘You lie.’
‘When have I ever lied to you, Penelope, that you would distrust me now?’ His voice was colder than she’d ever heard it, but he did not avoid her gaze, as her husband had that morning at breakfast. ‘She left me in London several days ago. When I realised where she would go, I shut up the house and came after her. It is notso easy when you have children. You cannot simply hare off to Wales, and abandon them to be with your lover. Not that my wife would care.’
‘But Adam has not been with her, I would swear it.’
‘His horse is in my stables now. And as I approached the house, I could see them clearly through the windows of the sitting room.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m sure there is an innocent explanation for it.’
‘She was lying bare before him, Penny. There was nothing innocent about the scene I witnessed.’
‘Then I will ask Adam about it, when he returns.’ She would do nothing of the kind. She would do her best to pretend that it did not matter to her. Perhaps Adam had eyes only for her because she was the only one near enough to see. But she had convinced herself that there would be no worries in the future. It would always be just as it had been for the last month. Now Timothy meant to spoil it all.
‘And now I wish you to leave.’
He stepped around her, and shut the door. ‘I am not through speaking.’
‘I have nothing to say to you. If you wish to talk to anyone, it should be Adam or your wife.’
Timothy laughed. ‘And now you will pretend that your husband’s affairs do not hurt you. I think this matters more than you care to admit.’
‘What business is it of yours?’ she snapped.
‘If your husband does not wish to be faithful to you? It can be very lonely, knowing that one’s chosen mate has little interest. Now that you have had a taste of what marriage might mean, you will find it is very difficult to content yourself with solitude.’
‘On the contrary, I much prefer to be alone.’
‘If that is true, you are likely to get your wish. But Adam likes company. He is not alone this morning, any more than my wife is. Perhaps it does not matter to you, as a woman, to see your vows tossed back in your face. But I am tired of standing alone while my friend makes me a cuckold again.’
It amazed her, after all they had said to each other, after all they had done, that her husband could be so cruel. ‘Challenge him, if you care so much.’
‘Do you want us to duel?’
‘No.’
Timothy sagged against the wall. ‘Strangely, neither do I. Our friendship is over, of course. But I have pretended for so long that I did not care, that it seems foolish now to reach for a sword.’ He was staring at her with a strange light in his eyes, as he had the night of the ball.
‘Do you mean to reach for me, instead?’ she asked.
He sighed. ‘There is nothing we can do to stop them, should they wish to be together. But there is no reason for us to be alone.’
‘We will be alone,’ she responded. ‘If we feel anything for them, we will be alone.’
‘But we could be together, in shared misery.’
She shook her head. ‘I am sorry. I cannot…’
He smiled, and removed a flask from his pocket, taking a deep drink. ‘I thought not. And it is truly a shame, Penelope. For I feel I could grow most fond of you, should I allow myself to.’ His voice was low and welcoming. ‘You are a lovely woman with a quick wit and a sweet nature. You are too good for Adam, my dear. He has many admirable qualities, and has been a true friend in many things. But he is proving to have no more sense than he ever did, when it comes to women. I thought that you brought a change in him.’
‘I hoped…’ She choked on the words. ‘I did not mean to, you know. It was all to be so easy. We both had what we wanted. And then I fell in love with him.’
‘There, now.’ He reached for her and drew her into an embrace that was more brotherly than passionate. ‘Do not cry over him. He is not worth your tears.’
‘Oh, really?’ Her husband’s voice from the doorway was cold.
She sprang back from Timothy’s grasp, and hastily wiped at her face with her sleeve.
‘It was nothing, Adam,’ Penny murmured.
‘Other than that you are making this poor woman miserable with your careless philanderings,’ Timothy supplied.
‘Hush.’ Penny cringed at the description of her feelings, hauled out into the light for all to see. ‘I was overwrought. It was nothing.’
‘Nothing?’ Adam stared at her. ‘When I find you in the arms of another man, it is not “nothing”, madam.’
‘She was crying over you,’ Tim goaded. ‘I could not very well leave her, could I? Although you seemed to have no problem with it.’
‘And I suppose, when it comes to comforting my wife, you are worth two of me?’ Adam glared at his friend.
‘Much as you are, when it comes to my wife.’ Timothy glared back. ‘Of course, you would have to be as good as two men, for you seem intent on keeping both women. It is hardly fair, old man.’ Timothy grinned, but the smile was cold and mirthless.
‘I do not want your wife.’
‘That was not how it appeared this morning, Adam. After you swore that it was over and you would not be alone with her again.’
Adam made to speak, but hesitated.
Timothy nodded. ‘You cannot look me in the eye and deny it, can you?’
‘I was with her,’ Adam admitted grudgingly. ‘But it was nothing. I swear it, Tim.’
The tears rose in her throat as her husband declared his innocence to his friend. But not to her. Never to her, for she did not deserve it. She had sold the rights to his fidelity for a pile of books.
‘Do you take me for a fool? I saw you plain, through the window. She was naked before you, in broad daylight.’
‘It was not as it appears.’
‘It never is,’ Timothy responded drily. ‘I believe you said that the night of the fire, as well. And I heard the whole thing clearly, although I did not see. Can you not, for once, favour me with the truth? I will at least admit that, given a little more time and the co-operation of your wife, the scene you witnessed, which was truly nothing, would have been exactly what it appeared.’
‘How dare you.’ Adam’s fury was cold. He appeared ready to strike and Penny rushed to his side to take his arm.
‘Adam, nothing happened. And no one knows of any of this. Please.’
Tim laughed, ‘So what are we to do, then? Do you wish to challenge me, or should I challenge you?’ And then he muttered something in Welsh that she did not understand, and spat upon the floor.
She might not have understood the words, but Adam clearly had, for he broke free of her and struck his friend, knocking him to the ground. Tim staggered to his feet with blood in his eye, ready to fight.
And at last, Penny snapped. ‘You may do as you please, the both of you. And Clarissa as well. But whatever you do, you can do it without my help.’
‘Penny, go to your room.’ Adam barely looked at her.
‘That is how it is to be, is it? You will be brother and guardian to me, and banish me to my quarters, so that you can do as you please? Take my money, then. I offered it to you freely, in exchange for peace and freedom. And I have scant little of either. But the money was not enough for you. You wanted my affection when it suited you, so that I did not embarrass you in public. And then, you needed my body to be a mother to your children. And now you expect my loyalty, while you lie with another man’s wife.
‘I want none of it, Adam. No more than I ever did. I want to be alone. And I would sooner see my children raised by jackals than by you or your twisted friends. I am leaving you.’
‘You cannot. I will not permit it.’ Her husband had turned away from his
friend, no longer caring for the fight before him.
‘And you cannot stop me. The bargain between us is irretrievably broken. If you thwart me today, I will try again tomorrow. Sooner or later, I will succeed in escaping you. If you wish, you may drag me back to your home by the hair, and lock me in my room. The Duke of Bellston, charming, handsome, lecherous and debauched, will need to keep his wife, and her fortune, by force. And then we will see what people say of you and your precious reputation.’
And she swept from the room.
Chapter Twenty-One
Adam thought, all things considered, that he should feel much worse. But he felt nothing. She had left the room, and taken his anger with her.
He had turned back to Tim, who must have been more than a little drunk, for he had collapsed back on to the floor, and absently offered him a hand.
Tim had ignored it and struggled to his feet, wiping blood from his mouth and on to his shirt cuff. ‘There. Are you satisfied now?’
He stared back at Tim. ‘Are you?’
‘I think I am. For you finally look the way I feel. All these months you have spent, wallowing in ecstasy, or lust or guilt.’ Tim made a bitter face. ‘Never content unless you were torn by some emotion or other, and convinced that no one felt more deeply than you. Now, she will go. And you are all hollowed out.’
Adam nodded. He could feel the growing emptiness as she withdrew from him. A space that needed filling.
Tim smiled. ‘Now imagine her with someone else.’
The pain of the thought was exquisite, for there was nothing to dull it. It was untouchable, like the phantom pains that soldiers claimed, in a limb that was no longer there. ‘And this is how you feel?’
Tim nodded. ‘Clarissa knows it, and she works all the harder to make me hurt. And yet I cannot leave her. She says, if I do, she will take the children, even though she cares little for them. They are innocents. They do not deserve such a mother.’
‘She does not deserve to live. And if I cannot find a way to mend this?’ Adam smiled. ‘Then I will send her back to hell from whence she came.’
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