Taking a deep breath, I began my trek, peering at the ground below. We were probably only six or seven stories high—a height I could deal with. All good, Cori, all good.
Brad turned to face me, gesturing I remove my headphones. “How’s it going back there?”
“So far so good. Can’t say I’ll say the same when we go much higher though?”
He winked, so I gave him the thumbs up.
Before I could put my headphones back on again, Josh spoke into my ear. “You afraid of heights or something?”
I glared at him to step back and out of my personal space before securing my headphones, not bothering to answer his question. I didn’t owe him jack shit.
“Okay, I’ve just switched your headsets on. Can you all hear me? Raise your hand,” Ian asked.
We all raised our hands in response.
“Excellent! Let’s start our very informative tour then. This is a bridge. One we are about to climb. Did you know that?” He smiled facetiously.
“No shit!” I heard Lucas say through my earpiece.
“Right you are, young man,” Ian acknowledged. “And yes, we can all hear you just as you can hear me.”
“Sorry,” Lucas mumbled.
“No need to apologise. Okay, moving on. Construction of the bridge officially began in 1923 and finished in 1932. So all in all, it took nine years to build. That’s not bad, considering the era and depression during that time.”
We continued to walk along the horizontal path beneath the bridge’s deck, the noise from the traffic on the roadway directly above us quite noisy. So much so that at times, when a truck passed by, Ian’s words were lost. I also discovered the ground below had at some point become the water of Sydney Harbour. The change of scenery triggered a minor tingling in my stomach, but I ignored it and focussed all of my attention on trying to listen to Ian. He was informative, and learning was a good distraction.
“Does anyone know how many deaths occurred during construction?”
I take that back. Learning is evil. I do not need to learn about deaths on a bridge I’m about to climb.
We all shook our heads.
“No? Any guesses?”
“Sixty-nine,” Noah offered.
I rolled my eyes. Please say none. Please say none.
“Not quite. It was sixteen. And you might be surprised to know that only two of those were the result of falling, which is quite a feat, considering the conditions the men worked in.”
That last piece of information did surprise me. And I’m not going to lie … I found it to be a relief. Yes, it was sad, of course, but considering none of the men had any safety gear while they worked, two deaths from falling during a nine-year construction period was astonishing.
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is the point we begin our climb.”
Crap! Can’t I just stay here … under the roadway? I’ve seen enough.
Looking at the steel staircase and ladders before me, I froze, which resulted in Josh bumping into me. I stumbled forward, but he grabbed my shoulders so that I didn’t fall—falling, the absolute last thing I wanted to do on a bridge. I didn’t want to add to the tally I’d just been informed of. Regardless, the whole mishap frightened the hell out of me.
“Watch where you’re fucking going,” I snapped at him.
He raised his hands in a show of surrender. “Hey! You stopped in front of me, sweetheart.”
“Well, if you weren’t practically stuck to my back like a leech, you wouldn’t have bumped into me.” I was breathing rapidly and my heart was pounding aggressively.
“Everything all right back there?” Ian asked.
Josh and I looked toward him, both of us realising at the same moment that our argument had been voiced to everyone via headset. Shit!
“All good,” I said, waving my hand at Ian. “I just stumbled.”
“Bugs, stop trying to feel up Elmer. Stick to your own species.”
“Shut up, Slick. I wasn’t trying to feel her up.”
“And stop calling me Elmer,” I added.
“Rightio, let’s continue.” Ian began to climb the steps and disappeared from sight.
Turning back to Josh, I removed the headpiece and covered the microphone with my hand. “Just back off and give me some space. Being up here and out in the open like this is hard enough for me as it is.”
He nodded and took a step back, his brows pulled closely together. “Then why are you here?”
“Because sometimes there are things in life that scare the absolute hell out of us, amazing things, extraordinary things … once-in-a-lifetime things. And we would never know just how wonderful they were if we didn’t get over the initial fear holding us back. Sometimes, we just need to do, not think. Just. Do.”
Turning back around, I took in a deep breath and listened to my own advice, hoping that Josh would do the same … one day. Despite him screwing me over, I really did hope he’d find happiness, eventually. Why? Because I believed in ‘happy’, and I wasn’t about to let him change that.
“Okay, are we all up here at road level?” Ian asked, performing another quick headcount while peering down the ladder from which we just came. “Yes, excellent! Now, before we start up these steps on the lower arch of the bridge, do you see these two massive pylons?” He pointed to two huge, stone-bricked towers. “There’s another two at the opposite end of the bridge.”
We all answered ‘yes’.
“Just so you know, they’re useless to the structure and were not originally part of the design. They were added solely for ‘cosmetic’ purposes.”
Lucas sheltered the sun’s ray from his eyes as he scrutinised the pylon. “So they’re not holding the bridge up?”
“Nope.”
“What is?” he asked, now dubiously peering over the balustrade, as if the bridge would all of a sudden collapse. His actions and nerves did nothing for my own.
“A few things, actually. Abutments at the base of the pylons, together with six million hand-driven rivets.”
“Hand driven?” I asked, reaching out to lightly graze one of the many, many visible rivets.
Ian smiled and nodded. “Yes.”
“Wow!”
“Okay, chop chop. Time is of the essence. Up, up, up we go.”
Heat rushed through my body at the sound of the word ‘up’. I didn’t like hearing it and I didn’t like the steps ahead that would take me there. They all of a sudden depicted hellish things—horrid, hellish things. I swallowed heavily, my throat constricting, and then I did the worst thing I possibly could’ve—looked directly up to the top of the arch, knowing that was where I was headed. Oh Good God. My body swayed with vertigo, and I gripped the railing tightly.
The headpiece I was wearing was all of a sudden lifted from my ear, Josh’s voice replacing it. “I’m here, right behind you. You’re safe, sweetheart. I won’t let anything happen to you. Go on. One step at a time.”
I closed my eyes, breathed deep, and nodded, whispering thanks before taking those initial steps.
***
“I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Holy fuck! How far down is that? What if this cable snaps? What if a big gust of wind blows me right off the bridge? I can’t fly you know. I’m not a bird. I wasn’t fortunate enough to be born with wings. Oh God, I’m young. Only twenty-four. I want kids. Two of them, maybe three. And a dog, a rabbit and a catfish. I’ve always wanted a catfish. Do you think that if I fell into the water I’d live and see a catfish? I—”
“Corinne, just breathe,” Josh said calmly, his hand soothing my back with its firm, deep strokes. It was nice, but not nice enough to distract me from the fact I was standing on steel-grated—SEE-THROUGH—steps, approximately one hundred and thirty-four metres above sea level.
“Yes. Breathe. Trying. So difficult.”
The speed and pressure of his rubbing increased. “In through the nose and out through the mouth.”
“Is everything all right here?” Instructor Ian asked
. I opened my eyes a peek, which was a bad thing to do, so I closed them again.
I’m not here. I’m not really here. If I can’t see that I’m here then I’m not, right?
Yes … right.
“She’s just having a moment.”
“What’s your name again, love?”
I kept my eyes closed and kept a firm grip on the railing. “Cori. Name is Cori. Or Corinne. Or Sweetheart.”
I heard Josh laugh. It wasn’t funny. So not funny.
“Well, Cori, this whole experience will be better for you, and everyone else, if you open your eyes. I know that sounds scary, but if you allow your eyes to adjust to what lies before them, your mind will process the information and help you calm down.”
I nodded quickly, then nodded again. Then I nodded once more. Nodding worked right now.
“Okay, when you’re ready,” Ian encouraged me, his voice friendly but not entirely masking an undertone of impatience. :And don’t forget to put your headphones back on.”
Fucker, you WILL wait. You will wait until I’m good and ready to pry my eyelids apart. This could be now, today, tomorrow or NEVER.
“Not a problem, Cori. I didn’t mean to rush you.”
“What? Shit! Did I just say that out loud?”
“Yes, sweetheart. You’re saying everything out loud,” Josh replied.
I let out a painful groan. “I’m sorry. I’m trying. Really, I am. I feel like such a baby.”
Brad’s voice entered our conversation. “Cori, what’s up?”
“Just taking a moment to appreciate the view,” I explained, laughing sarcastically.
“Really? You may wanna try opening your eyes for that.”
“Surfer. Not now, Dude,” Josh said, his tone angered.
“Since when do you know what she needs and when she needs it?” he snapped back.
Josh’s hand stopped its circular motion on my back, and I could’ve cried—the loss heightened my unease.
“Don’t stop,” I whispered. “Please don’t stop.” After those words left my mouth, I remembered they were the same words I’d last said to him before he screwed me over in the gym. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”
His rubbing continued almost instantly. “You have no idea how much I enjoy hearing you say that to me. No fucking idea,” he whispered back.
So much confusion.
So much head-fuckery.
So much what-the-fuck?
Maybe I should just jump over the edge. Surely that would be better than what I was currently experiencing.
“Brad, I’m all good. You go ahead and enjoy the climb. I won’t be far behind you. Promise,” I said reassuringly.
“Okay. But maybe if you sing this in your head, it may help.”
Scrunching my brow, I listened, smiling when I heard him hum the tune of the Oompa Loompas. I laughed, loudly, and opened my eyes, blinking as I let them adjust to the light. Then, turning to face him, I mouthed the word thank you and proceeded to hum the song myself.
“You good?” Brad asked.
“Yeah. I will be. Go. I’ll see you at the very top.”
Brad winked and glared triumphantly at Josh and, again, Josh’s hand stilled on my back.
“Please. Don’t stop. You’re helping too,” I said quietly.
“You sure ’bout that?”
“Are you both right to continue?” Ian asked, interrupting us. “Because if you are, I’ll leave you to it and wait at the next landing. I need to keep an eye on the others as well.”
“Yes. Sorry to be such a pain. I’m fine. We’ll catch up in a minute.”
He nodded and followed after Brad, which was when I turned to face Josh. “Yes, I’m sure that you’re helping. As much as I hate to admit it after what happened this morning, I couldn’t do this if you weren’t here with me now.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that, sweetheart. Surfer seems to know how to help you as well. Why? Did he make you come too?”
I slapped him across the face. Hard. “You’re just a fucking arsehole, Josh Adams. No he didn’t, and he won’t. I’m not a slut, like you are.”
I went to turn and climb the final staircase to the summit, but he grabbed my chin and tilted it toward him. “Good,” he said, his eyes piercing me with purpose. “Because if he does, I’ll fucking kill him.”
“How dare you? Who do you think you are?”
“Joshua Aaron Adams,” he said, stubbornly.
I was stunned stupid. I had no words, just fury, building and bubbling in the fiery pit of my stomach. I stared him down, my eyes narrowing, nostrils flaring, and teeth gritting. A cool gust of wind blew by us, its force nearly dislodging the hat from my head. But I didn’t waiver from my purpose of letting Josh know, with my heated stare, that his bullying tactics meant fuck all to me.
“You have no right, Josh, no right where I’m concerned. What I do, say or whom I talk to or fuck, is none of your goddamn business.”
He stepped closer, nose-to-nose, his breath touching my cheek. “You’re wrong, sweetheart. I’m making it my business.”
“Fuck yo—”
Warm, soft lips stole the words from my mouth, swallowing them whole as his passionate kiss consumed me. All of my anger dissipated, leaving nothing but a strong, definitive and sweet presence in its place. It was completely unforeseen and knocked all the equilibrium from me.
Pulling away, my chest pounding from the relentless beat of my heart, I shook my head and rested my fingers on my lips, bewildered and a little annoyed. “You can’t do that, Josh.”
“What? Kiss you? Yes, I can.”
“No, you can’t.” Turning away from him, I placed both hands on the railing and embraced the view before me, drawing whatever form of semblance I could from it. It was terrifying, but facing my fear of heights seemed a better alternative to facing Josh in that moment. “You can’t want me one second and toss me aside the next. You confound me. I don’t know what to do or how to think when I’m around you.”
“I haven’t stopped wanting you, Corinne. From that very first moment I saw you watching me fuck that chick backstage, to this point now, I’ve wanted and still want you.”
“Then what happened this morning?”
“Brain glitch.”
I scoffed and began to climb the steps. “Nice try, Josh. When you figure out why you felt the need to break down my wall only to build it right back up again, then we’ll talk.”
“I told you, I don’t do commitment, don’t do relationships.”
Continuing to climb, I didn’t look back. “Maybe next time, try ‘not doing them’ without being the world’s biggest cunt.”
When I reached the top of the stairs, the achievement was overwhelming, tears of relief filling my eyes. Yet I had no doubt those tears were also a result of the emotional head-fuck Josh seemed to be, together with me realising what I’d just called him. Holy shit! I just called him a cunt. The C word. The c before the unt. Who are you, and what have you done with the real Cori?
“You made it!” Brad said, throwing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side. “It was the Oompa Loompas, wasn’t it? They gave you the courage you needed, didn’t they? It’s what the Ooompa Loompa doompadee do,” he said, singing the last line and making me laugh.
I wiped my eyes. “You goof.”
Brad glanced over his shoulder then lowered his voice. “Everything all right back there?”
“Yeah, of course. Josh is just Josh.”
He narrowed his gaze. “Okay. I just know how … how should I put this? Um … how fucked up he can be toward women. You’re a nice girl, Cori. I don’t want you falling into his trap.”
I shrugged off Brad’s arm and walked to the very centre of the bridge’s arch. “I’m not a girl, Brad. I’m a grown woman, and I can look after myself. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I know that. Shit, I didn’t mean it like that. I just don’t want you treated the way he treats all the others. And by the looks o
f things this morning, that’s already start—”
I turned to face him, my expression firm but kind. “Don’t assume anything when it comes to me. If you want to be my friend, don’t do that. Don’t assume.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. I’ll stay out of it. But I will tell you this—he hurts you, I’ll hurt him.” Brad tapped the tip of my nose with his finger then caught up to the rest of the group, who were now crossing to the other side of the arch, Noah adjusting his crotch and looking slightly uncomfortable. My guess was he needed to take that piss he’d opted to hold on to.
Standing there alone, tethered to the very top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, I felt outright awful—my exhilaration from moments ago gone. The last thing I needed or wanted was to be the centre of a Wild Nights Revue cockfight. Driving a wedge in an otherwise harmonious group of guys was definitely not my thing. Just the thought of being responsible for any of them coming to blows made me sick to my stomach.
Fighting the trembling of my bottom lip, I looked down, blinking away the tears … and that’s when I nearly died. DIED, as in cardiac arrest because my heart had just shat itself. One hundred-plus metres directly below my feet—feet, which were now frozen in place—were cars, trucks, taxis and trains, travelling in both directions. It was dreadful, dreadful and not going away. Close your eyes again, Cori. It will all disappear. Listening to my smart self, I descended into darkness as my lids fell shut.
“I’m a cunt. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.” Josh’s voice sounded from behind me, but I didn’t move, instead staying as still as a statue with my eyes pressed firmly together. I wasn’t really there. No. I was on a tropical beach somewhere, ground level and safe.
When I didn’t answer, he continued, “The thing is, I don’t want to be a cunt anymore, especially to you.”
“That’s great, really great. I guess we’ll see how you go with that,” I said quickly, wanting him to shut up and stop interrupting my tropical paradise.
“You’re freaking out again, aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
“You want to get off this bridge now, don’t you?”
Revue Page 12
