“So, your parents wouldn’t let you marry him?”
“Intercaste marriages are more common these days. Mine would probably favor the union, but I doubt his parents would. He’s a higher caste.” I started laughing. It was true, not really a joke, but I wanted to make him smile.
“Why does it matter so much?”
I took a deep breath. “I guess to keep the bloodlines pure.” There was an inflection in the statement, which made it sound like a question.
Ethan’s jaw dropped, and he just stared at me with awe. “Shit, did I set my watch for a different century?”
“I understand it’s a hard concept for you to grasp.”
“It’s a crazy concept for anyone living outside of a Dickens novel.”
“It’s the way this works, Ethan. You’re being a bit ethnocentric, don’t you think?”
He arched his brow. “Let me get this straight—you’re talking about purity of bloodlines and accusing me of being ethnocentric?”
“Yes, I am. This is the way things are done.”
I moved to get up, but he embraced me and crushed his lips against mine. His mouth was unrelenting, passionate, and demanding. I surrendered to it as I had to every moment with Ethan. The kiss communicated both apology and challenge. I stared at him, breathless and surprised by his gesture. Ethan smiled, but there was little humor in it.
“Sunshine, your pool of applicants is so small I doubt you’ll get married at all.” There was something hopeful in his voice, and I wanted to encourage it, but I stopped myself.
“You know what’s small? Your luggage limitations. How are you going to fit all your surfing gear?”
“I’m a math guy. I’ll make it fit, but first, we’ll walk to the park and visit Suzanne and Isaac.”
Chapter 21
I MISSED ETHAN TERRIBLY that whole week¸ even though he texted and called every night. Rachael practically moved in, but I still longed for him. I slept in one of his T-shirts on his side of the bed. Rachael slept on the couch. Even though I offered her my side, I was glad she refused.
It was Friday, and Ethan would be home Sunday. Rachael and I sat on the couch, watching some sappy, modern-day version of Romeo and Juliet, a tale that seemed overly done but never out of style. We painted each other’s toes wild colors.
“You and Ethan remind me of this movie,” Rachael said, pouring us both some more wine as the credits started rolling. Her voice was a little choked like she was trying to hold back a sob. Crying was a very rare thing for Rachael.
“It’s a redo of Romeo and Juliet.”
“That’s why I said it.”
I laughed. “You realize how that turned out, right?”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot. It was a bad metaphor.”
“I guess it’s like you and Alex too, huh?”
“Not really. We’re dating. I like him a lot, but I don’t know where this is going to go. I have so much I want to do, and he’s a junior so he’ll be here for another year. The timing is all wrong.”
“Time is a system for distinguishing events, not an accurate method for judging them,” I said, surprised that Ethan’s words had come so naturally off my tongue.
“Look at you, a regular Plato,” Rachael said, impressed with me, but her expression turned sad. “I’ve never felt this way, Meena, and I know I told you to do this thing with Ethan like it was casual, but I see how you guys are together. It doesn’t take a Mensa membership, which I happen to have, to know you’re good for each other.”
I regarded her skeptically. Rachael had changed so much this year, and I had a feeling it was more than just because of Alex. “Rachael, what’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve changed your views about so many things. Not just Ethan and me, but you’re in a committed relationship, which I’ve never witnessed. You’re more sentimental and softer. It’s not a bad thing at all, but why the shift?”
She slammed back her wine, as if to give herself courage. “I had an epiphany of sorts over Thanksgiving break.” She was quiet for a moment, touching up her toes.
“Are you going to tell me, or should I leave this alone?”
“Do you remember Jonathon Hall?”
The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. “Did we go to school with him?” It wouldn’t be surprising if I didn’t know him. Our high school was small, but I pretty much kept to myself after Vijay’s death.
“We did. In fact, we both had class with him.”
“I don’t remember him.”
Rachael sighed. “Mr. Hall.”
I shouldn’t have taken a sip of my wine just then because I choked so hard Rachael had to smack me on the back. “Our AP English teacher? Rachael, you didn’t!”
“I didn’t plan it or anything. I was with some friends at a bar, and he was there. We waved to each other. After my friends left, he walked over. We had a few drinks and talked about school. You know, he’s only ten years older than us. Besides, I reasoned with myself that I wasn’t in high school anymore so there was nothing wrong with it.”
“So, you slept with him?”
She nodded. I cringed. “The sex was really good. The man can quote Keats for God’s sake.”
“Well, he is an English teacher,” I replied dryly.
“I know, but it was romantic and sweet. I almost wondered about a relationship with him.”
“What happened?” I debated if I really wanted to know.
“Afterward, I turned to him and said in my sexiest voice, ‘You know, I always had a crush on you in high school.’”
She was quiet for a moment, but my patience was strained so I asked, “And?”
“He said, ‘Me too.’”
“Gross.” It was skeezy to me. There was nothing romantic about a grown man being attracted to a sixteen-year-old.
“Yeah, it freaked me out too, but not as much as what he said after that. He talked about how he knew I wanted him back then. How I’d wear those short skirts to his class, and he imagined I was an easy lay. He called me Lolita, for fuck’s sake.”
“That’s awful, Rach.”
“It was a good thing.”
I stared at her, bewildered how she could consider it a positive experience.
“Mr. Hall taught me more that night than he ever did in his classroom. I realized I’d always played the slut. I was so worried my father’s profession defined me that I went out of my way to be the opposite of everything I’d been taught. I reasoned I could seek forgiveness later. After all, Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene. Surely, he would do the same for me. But, it occurred to me that night with Mr. Hall—crap, that sounds weird—with Jonathon, that my choices were not because it was who I wanted to be, but who I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the goody-goody preacher’s daughter who was never invited to parties or asked out by boys. Does that make sense?”
“It makes perfect sense, Rach. You were being someone that you weren’t. You were living a lie.”
“Yes, that’s it. I was living a lie. And now, with Alex, there are times when I can see us together forever, but other times when I question what kind of girl I really am. Is there something wrong with me?”
I hugged her. “You don’t have to justify your feelings. Figuring it out is not a product, but a process. You’re still…processing.” It was weird how I’d adopted so many of Ethan’s philosophies. I wondered how different my reaction would have been to this story before Ethan.
“Your boyfriend has good taste,” she said, patting my back.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“I meant the wine.”
Rachael and I fell asleep on the couch. I dreamed I was floating, but I wasn’t scared. I was safe and surrounded by the most delicious scent. “Shh. Sorry, Sunshine. I’m just putting you to bed.” How I longed for that deep, raspy voice.
“Why are you home early?”
“I missed you.”
“Where’s Rachael?”
“She’s fine
. I got her a blanket. You’re drunk, huh?” There was a hint of amusement in the question.
“I don’t think I’ll hurl this time.”
He chuckled. “That’s a relief.”
“You should have left me on the couch. I’ll probably snore or something.”
He laid me on the bed and pulled the sheet over me.
“You snore every night.”
“Do not.”
“Do too. Actually, it’s more like a purr. It’s cute. You sound like a kitten.” He bent down and whispered next to my ear, “There’s no way you’re not sleeping next to me. I really need to hold you.”
“No complaints here,” I replied sleepily as my lips curved into a smile. A few minutes later, he slid in next to me, embracing me, and I asked, “Did you have fun?”
“No,” he said.
“Why not?”
He didn’t answer for a long time. I thought he’d fallen asleep until his voice punctuated the quiet. “No Sunshine.”
Chapter 22
I SAT ON THE BED with my notebook, trying to concentrate on Abouabdillah’s antichains, but it was proving difficult with Meena doing yoga on the floor. Each pose turned me on more than the last—it was fucking exponential. Her long legs, firm ass, and flexible body mesmerized me. I liked watching her do everything, but I loved it when she got out the purple mat and put on those tight yoga shorts. I silently thanked the man who invented them—pretty sure it had to be a guy.
“Ethan, are you watching me?” she asked from her downward dog position.
“Hell, yes. You think I could look at anything else?”
She laughed. “Should I leave so I don’t distract you?”
“Don’t even think about it.” I was getting hard, looking at her round, plump ass, just waiting for me. “How long do you think you can stay in that position?”
“A long time probably. Why?”
“Could you stay like that if say, there was forceful pressure against you?”
“What kind of pressure?”
“Me.”
I couldn’t see her face, but I knew she was biting that lower lip. “We can always experiment.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, but you should hurry.” She didn’t have to tell me twice. I threw down the notebook and practically ripped off my clothes with one hand, while rubbing her ass with my other. It was so perfectly voluptuous that I felt the urge to smack it, and then I did.
“Did you just spank me?”
“Yes.” I hoped she wouldn’t freak out, but I just couldn’t help it.
“Do it again,” she said excitedly.
I grunted in excitement and complied with her command, slapping her a little harder and then rubbing the area gently. It was turning me on something fierce. She hardly moved, though I had a protective hand under her waist in case she fell. I expected her to be struggling in the pose since she’d told me to hurry.
“You should stand and stretch first.”
“I don’t need to.” She was being cocky, and I loved it, but there was no way I was going to make it uncomfortable for her.
“Meena, you told me to hurry, remember?”
“I didn’t tell you to hurry because I’m afraid I’ll fall.”
“Then why?”
“I’m very wet, and you should take care of it since it’s your fault.”
I laughed, rolling her shorts and panties down. My fingers penetrated her and confirmed she was soaked. She took off her sports bra, still maintaining position. This girl was nothing short of amazing. My hands cupped her breasts, fondling them while my thumbs flicked her nipples. I bent over her, punctuating my kisses with gentle bites. Her moans told me she liked it. I traced her spine with my tongue and spread her legs. I entered slowly, but once I was inside her moist, tight, delicate walls, I couldn’t stop from pounding into her. She screamed in a mixture of pain and pleasure.
“Are you okay, baby?”
“Don’t stop,” she commanded.
I didn’t. This was I’m-going-to-fuck-you-hard sex, and both of us were all in.
After a few minutes, her legs started to wobble. “Ethan, I can’t,” she panted.
“Hands on the bed,” I said, lifting her so she could reach without breaking our connection.
I slowed down the tempo, caressing her back and ass with my hand. “Ethan,” she moaned, causing me to jerk harder. My name on her lips like this, well…it was just too much for any mortal man.
“Sunshine, please…tell. Close.” I couldn’t even form a complete sentence.
“Close,” she said with great urgency, obviously having the same problem, but understanding what I was asking.
“Get there,” I commanded.
And then she did. Just like that. I only moved inside of her once more before my own release. We were both panting. I leaned my head against her back, freshly slick from sex. I loved it.
I loved her.
It was the first time I’d acknowledged it, but I had known for a while.
I moved out slowly and massaged her legs, trying to work out any kinks. I lifted her to the bed and got in beside her. I lay down, moving her against my chest where I could hear her heartbeat and she could feel mine. I removed the clip in her hair, fanning it out. We were both quiet as our breathing returned to normal. I wanted to express what she meant to me. I wanted to have the conversation we’d avoided for so long.
“Choose me,” I said simply, regretting the word selection instantly. It didn’t convey what I was really feeling. It was an instruction, not a true explanation of how deeply I needed her.
“Choose you for what?”
I tightened my arms around her, pissed at myself for not being clearer and irritated with her for not understanding. “For a tennis partner. What the fuck do you think?”
“Ethan—”
I shifted so I could look into her eyes. “Meena, stop this. I make you happy. Don’t throw your life away because you feel guilty about something that isn’t your fault.”
There was a great sadness in those chocolate-colored eyes. “I’m not trying to hurt you. This isn’t a choice for me. It’s something I have to do.”
“You’re wrong, Sunshine. I see couples like us all the time. It’s not uncommon.”
“In my family, it is.”
“This is why religion is evil,” I yelled, exasperated.
“It’s not just religion. It’s a cultural expectation. It’s my promise to my parents. It’s my promise to myself never to hurt them again.”
“So, you’ll just settle for hurting me, then?”
She winced, and I instantly felt guilty. This wasn’t easy for Meena. She had experienced so much pain, and my vow was to take it away, not add to it.
“What do you want from me, Ethan?” she asked in a sad whisper.
I was quiet for a moment, although I knew the answer.
“A future.”
She shook her head, and I saw the tears start to form. I went to wipe them away, but she slapped my hand. “Don’t.” She flipped off the bed, quickly putting on her bra, shorts, and a T-shirt.
“Meena—”
“Just stop,” she said, holding out her hand like she was trying to hold me back. “I was honest with you. I told you we couldn’t be anything more. You promised me you accepted that. Don’t make me feel guilty about it now.”
“Where are you going?” I asked as she headed out the door.
“For a run. You interrupted my workout,” she said, slamming the door.
Meena
My loose hair whipped around my face while my feet pounded the sidewalk. It wasn’t helping because what I really wanted to do was run away from what he’d said. I hated hurting him. He had to see that. He had to know that. So, why did he throw it in my face? Didn’t he know I was hurting myself just as much, probably more?
It wasn’t long until he reached me. Ethan was fast, and although he was breathing hard, he could outpace me. I slowed and then stopped, bending down to catch m
y breath. I placed my hands on my knees choking back the sobs. I felt his hand rubbing my back, but I didn’t want the comfort right now. I wanted the pain. I started walking briskly, and he kept pace beside me.
He held out a bottle of water. A rubber band was around the base. I took it and quickly tied up my hair, grateful and mad at the same time. I chugged the water, cursing him for being so damn thoughtful all the time. I slowed down some more. He did too, matching his footsteps to mine, until his pinky curled around mine.
“Where are we going?” he asked softly.
“I’m going for a walk. I have no idea what you’re doing.” I was a hot, sweaty mess, and my voice betrayed me by cracking.
“Obviously, I’m going with you.”
“I don’t recall inviting you,” I said, stopping and turning my head to him.
He stared at me for a few seconds before smiling softly and shrugging. “It’s a free country.”
I sighed and continued my walk, but I didn’t disengage our fingers. I had no destination in mind when I started, but we ended up in the right place anyway. We headed straight for the lake where our swans lived. He sat next to me, but he didn’t say anything.
I spotted Isaac and Suzanne first and pointed to them. He nodded. We sat. We contemplated. We watched. “Suzanne looks sick,” I finally said.
“Swan flu?” he replied.
“Funny.” I let out a cynical laugh. “What are we doing?”
“Watching our swans,” he said, gesturing to the lake.
“I mean with each other.”
“I thought we were solving for C.”
“There is no solution, Ethan.” My hands shook. He took them in his, pulling me gently so I would meet his gaze.
“Do you know how I feel about you?”
“Yes.”
“So, you understand that I lo—”
“Don’t!” I screamed before he finished the sentence. I tousled his hair and said more gently, “Don’t say it, please.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s a wasted sentiment.”
“So, you don’t care.”
“It’s because I care that I don’t want you to say it. It won’t change my mind. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Maybe if my brother hadn’t died, things could be different.” Ethan opened his mouth, but I pressed my hand to his lips to stop him. “I’m not telling you that so you can talk me out of it. I’m telling you because it’s a fact for me. I’m so sorry, but I can’t be the girl you need—the one you deserve that’s strong and loves you with an open heart. This is not a choice for me, but you have a choice, and I promise I’ll respect it.”
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