by Anna Scott
Never once in my life, except that one horrible night, months ago had I been out of the house in my sweats. Those had been the first ones I’d ever thrown away since I was a kid. They were my favorite set too, Trent’s old USMC hoodie and the perfect navy bottoms. I’d hoped to save the top, but it had gotten ruined too.
Once again, forcing the memories from my mind, I yanked on my new favorite clothes, a pair of super fluffy socks and walked into my bathroom, to find Snowball asleep in the sink - again. Thankfully, I had two, so my white, super fluffy baby kitty could sleep undisturbed.
I washed my face and brushed my teeth, then went through the tedious process of pulling out the nine-billion hair pins that Trinity had stuck in there. Considering my hair had been mostly down, I didn’t see the need for all the pins. Who knew, maybe she owned stock in the company. Once I was clean and unencumbered, I found my courage and walked back into the living room, to find Trent, standing at the front window, looking out over the quiet street.
Chapter 2
Trent
Looking out over the empty street, the dark night offered no escape from my tortured thoughts. Amber’s face when she turned to look at me, made me realize that I’d been pushing her too hard. The fucking mascara running down her face, contrasting against the paleness of her skin looked so severe. It was a brutal reminder of how fragile this woman was, the woman who acted so tough all the time.
Though the sky was clear, I could hear the pounding rain in my mind. From my vantage point, I could see the front stoop and the closed door. I could imagine myself standing there, then slumped there in the pelting rain. The way my hand had splayed against the door, trying to feel her, trying to connect with her any way I could. She’d locked me out of her house and out of her life. She was so broken. I thought I’d given her enough time, but after seeing her face tonight, I wondered if I had made a mistake.
Earlier, when I’d come to her side of the car, she lost it then too, but only for a moment. I knew she was thinking about the night I brought her home from the hospital and had carried her inside. She was so weak, her physical state matched her emotional one. As far as I knew, physically she was fine now, but emotionally, I just didn't know.
My mind traveled back, to eight months ago.
“Baby, you okay?” I called, standing outside the bathroom door.
“Um, yeah, I think so,” Amber called from the other side, but something in her voice made me push.
We weren’t that couple, who left the door open when we were in the bathroom. We had boundaries and respected each other’s space. The thing was, she felt like shit all day. I knew her period had come, and it wasn’t pleasant for her. Usually, they weren’t that much of an issue, but this time, for whatever reason it was really bad.
I only knew all this, because she’d had to lay down earlier in the day and had asked if we could postpone our plans to meet everyone for dinner and finally bring our relationship out of the closet.
It was beyond time, I hadn’t wanted to keep our relationship a secret in the first place, but I was finished hiding and Amber finally agreed. Of course, I understood she wasn’t well, so we’d do it later. It didn’t matter when I just didn’t want to hide it anymore. I was proud to be with her and didn't want to feel like her dirty secret anymore.
I was a worried. I didn’t know a lot about period stuff, but I did have a sister and a mother, so I had the basics down. Whatever was happening, though, didn’t seem right. She had terrible stomach pain, cramps or something and had even thrown up a couple of times. I thought it was odd, but she explained that when she was in high school, she had similar symptoms when her hormones were crazy.
Walking back into the bedroom, I slipped into running pants and my shoes. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I was going to get her something. Even if it was cookies and cream ice cream, I was going to do something to make her feel better - damn it.
When Amber finally shuffled back to the bedroom, I looked at her and instantly didn’t like the pallor of her skin. She was white, like sickly white, and she looked clammy. As she walked, she was hunched forward, like a little old lady, and she wasn’t walking normally like she couldn't pick her feet all the way up.
Moving to her, I picked her up and cradled her in my lap. My old USMC sweatshirt was huge on her, but she loved it. The fabric was perfectly worn in, so it was soft and warm. Thankfully, she was wearing a pair of her pants, because mine would just fall off her tiny frame. Of course, under normal circumstances, that would be okay, but she probably wouldn’t appreciate it today.
Pressing her head into my neck, she relaxed, and I knew she was on the verge of sleep. “Can I get you anything, baby?”
Shaking her head in the negative, she burrowed in closer and whispered, “I’m cold,” which was pretty much her usual, especially at night.
Holding her closer, I started to sit back against the headboard and pull a blanket up over her, when I felt wetness on my leg. Moving my hand down to run over the dampness, my fingers came back, slicked red with blood. Amber opened her eyes just in time to see it. I knew she was embarrassed at first, but I was freaked right the hell out.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry, I just changed, let me -” she tried to get up and move off my lap, but I didn’t let her.
“No, let me help you. Something is wrong.” I stood from the bed and carried her into the bathroom. Making sure that she was stabilized, I gave her privacy and grabbed my jacket and keys. Somehow, I’d known that I was going out.
Lifting her into my arms once again, I grabbed a couple of towels and headed straight to my truck, only stopping to grab her purse.
“Trent?” Amber called from behind me. I whirled around, turning away from the window and the painful memories of our shared past. A smile crossed my face, as I saw that she was out of her designer dress and ensconced in her comfortable loungewear.
Reaching out to her, I closed the distance between us and led her to the couch. I didn’t let go of her hands, though, keeping them tight within mine. I tried to infuse as much of my warmth and love into her as I could.
“I don’t want to push you farther than you can handle. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you, but we need to talk. We’ve got to move past this, okay?”
“Trent, I don’t know how much more I have in me. I can’t lose any more.” As Amber spoke, I stared into her beautiful, unguarded eyes and saw the truth shining through. She still loved me, I’d known it, but what I didn’t know was why she had been keeping us apart.
Shaking my head, I tried to reassure her. “No, that’s just it. I don’t want to take anything from you, but listen, we’re stronger when we’re together, don’t you see that?” My question must have surprised her, because when I cupped her chin and leaned in for a quick, chaste kiss, she didn’t stop me.
“You shut me out, threw me away. We aren't finished, Amber, and I don't think we ever will be."
"I can't do this again, Trent. I'm not good for you, I'm not strong enough for you."
"You're the strongest woman I've ever known. I see the brave face you wear for the world. You do everything you can to make the people you love and care about happy, but not me. Why is that?"
"Everything I've done has been for you!" She shouted. "I'm lost and alone, Trent. My heart is bleeding with need for you every day."
"Then why the fuck did you toss me out like a piece of trash? You shut me out when I needed you when you needed me."
"I'll never be enough for you, don't you see that? I can't stand the thought of you waking up one day and regretting staying with me."
Stunned stupid, I sat and gaped at her, eyes wide, mouth open with no idea how to even respond to that ridiculous shit.
"If that's what you think, I fucked up. You were my everything. How can you say that you're not enough?" My voice had softened with sadness and confusion as I tried to figure out how I had let her believe something so wrong all this time.
"It's what I know," Amber whispered, tu
rning her head away from me.
Keeping hold of her hands, I sat back and racked my brain trying to understand. I couldn't let go of her, couldn't lose that last connection I had with her. Somehow, I knew that if I let go, I'd never get the chance to touch her again.
"I love you, Amber. It's only you." My words were spoken so quietly, I didn't know how she could hear me, but her face turned slowly back to me, and I knew that she did.
"I love you too, that's why I had to let you go. You needed the chance to find your happiness with someone who could give you everything you ever wanted.
"You are everything I've ever wanted, everything I've dreamed of. How did you not understand that?"
She looked down at our joined hands, shook her head and sighed. Raising and dropping her shoulders, in an act of defeat, she didn’t say anything.
“No, don’t you see. Me winning doesn’t mean you losing. We were good together, great, and we will be again. Okay?” I was pleading now, and I knew it, but I had an idea now of why she'd shut me out, and I was going to push my way back in.
Amber’s head snapped up, and she looked so forlorn. Her expression almost broke my heart. What was she thinking?
“No, Trent, don’t you see? I can’t, I can’t go back to before. I’m not the same person anymore. I can’t do it, I can’t do that to you, can't that take from you, it isn’t right. Why can’t you see that and just drop this?”
“What?” I asked, completely confused. I’d admit, readily, to not understanding women more than half the time, but now I was totally lost.
“If you keep this up, keep pursuing me like this, I’ll eventually just give in, then you’ll be sorry. You’ll understand what I’ve been trying to save you from all along.”
Closing my eyes, I allowed my head to drop with the weight of what she’d said. After all, this time, I finally understood.
I remembered the way her face changed, the way everything had changed the moment the doctor came into the emergency room bay that night and informed us that Amber had been pregnant. He explained that it looked like she had been just a few weeks along, and now was in the middle of a miscarriage.
The grief hit me so strongly, I felt the tears pool in my eyes. As I kissed Amber’s forehead that night, I remembered seeing a strange look on her face. It was almost like she was devastated and yet not surprised.
In the days that followed, we stayed inside her house. She’d forced me to go to work that following Monday, but I’d found every excuse I could to drop by during my shifts. She’d called in sick all week, and stayed in bed.
It had been a week of Amber’s reluctance to eat, her constant tears, us clinging to each other in horrendous desperation. She changed the moment I whispered into her ear. It was all so clear now. I promised her that we’d try again, that we’d be okay. The next night, when I arrived after work, she had locked the interior bolt on the door and wouldn’t let me in.
I remembered hearing her cry that night. I had been trying to reassure her with my promise, but I failed her. I unknowingly nailed my own coffin shut. I knew that her mother had a couple of miscarriages, I’d fucking known that, and I told her we could try again.
Especially in the state she’d been in at the time, I couldn’t imagine that she would relish the thought of going through that horrible pain over and over like her parents had. She shut me out, had kept me from her because she was protecting me from that future.
She knew how much I wanted kids, just as I knew the same about her. We talked about it more than once. Wanting to kick myself now, for not realizing sooner what I’d done, I lifted my head once more and met her gaze.
“I’m so sorry, I seriously fucked up, didn’t I?”
Her look was puzzled, but I didn’t leave her wondering long. “We don’t have to try again, Amber, we can adopt, we can find a surrogate, we can do whatever, but honey, if it was me and you for the rest of my life, I’ll count myself as the luckiest bastard on the planet.”
Shaking her head, the tears began to fall in earnest. “You’ll regret it, and I’d hate that. Can’t you understand? Someday, you’d look at me with remorse in your eyes, knowing that you could have done better. You could have had everything you ever wanted.”
“Trust me, have I ever lied to you?”
“No, but you don’t know what you’ll feel in ten years either.”
“Neither do you. Sweetness, please stop this. I can’t keep this up. No matter what else happens, I need you. I gave you time because I thought that was what you needed, then Nolan’s suicide and we were all so wrapped up in that. It’s just been one thing after another. But honey, this is our time. Okay? Don’t shut me out, not ever again.”
“I think you’re making a mistake,” she protested, her lips pressed tight together as she valiantly tried and failed to keep her tears at bay.
“I don’t,” I promised, leaning in and resting my forehead on hers. Staring deep into her eyes, I kissed the tip of her pert nose, and down to her lips. I kept it light, no fondling, no groping, no tongues, as difficult as that was for me.
I wanted her, needed her like nothing else before. It had been months, and I hadn’t so much as looked at another woman. I knew, this time, I had to take it slow. There was no doubt in my mind that we’d get there, but it would definitely take some time. She had to feel secure in us again.
Unfortunately for my dick, Amber didn’t see it that way. Within thirty seconds of our lips touching, she was in my lap. Her long, slender legs wrapped tight around my back and she pressed her fleece covered center right into the part of me that wanted her the most. My tuxedo pants were no match for the erection pressing up against them. My dick was so hard that I was certain no blood remained anywhere else in my entire body. Gripping her hips tightly, I wasn’t sure if I was trying to push her away or pull her closer. Giving in, for the moment, I wrapped an arm around her back, anchoring her to me and deepened the kiss.
It had taken five full minutes before I was able to get my body back under control and pull away from Amber’s delectable lips. The hint of sweetened cinnamon that always clung to her enticed me to move in again, but I knew just where this would go if I didn’t put a stop to it now. Her lips were swollen, her eyes glazed and after a moment, she furrowed her brow and looked at me questioningly.
“You stopped,” she pouted, narrowing her eyes even more.
“I did, sweetness. I had to, or I wouldn’t have stopped until I had you naked in that bed and you know I’d keep you there for days.” I warned her with a smirk.
Shrugging her shoulder, she waved her hand in the air, and confessed, “I wouldn’t have protested.”
Devilish little minx, was she trying to kill me?
“Baby, please,” fucking shit, her face turned ghostly white as soon as I called her baby. A few days after she’d lost our child, I’d called her that, which had been a normal endearment for me before. She’d started crying, so hard, I’d worried about her making herself sick. She begged me not to call her that anymore, and I’d just forgotten and done it anyway.
“Shit, sorry, sweetness,” lowering my head, I pressed my cheek into hers and buried my face in her hair. It was going to take a long time for me to feel secure and confident with her again, it would be a learning curve for both of us, finding our way together. We were the same as before, but we'd changed too. It was an odd mix, and I had a feeling the road ahead would be full of landmines and pitfalls.
Hands firm, she pushed back on my chest so that she could meet my gaze. Shaking her head, she told me, “You can’t be second-guessing yourself all the time. This is what I’m saying. I’m such a basket case. Still, it’s been over eight months since, and I can’t talk about it. I don’t know that I’m ready, maybe-”
“No,” I said, cutting off her next sentence. “Hell no, I’ve got you back in my arms. There is no way I’m going to let you go again. I don’t care how many mountains we have to climb, we’ll do it together.” My look was fiercely determined, I knew it
. There was no way I was going to get this far and slip backward.
“Trent, I’m afraid. I'm so scared that I'll go through that again and terrified not to try again. All I've ever wanted was a family, and I know it's the same for you. I don't think I can give you what you want. My mom had five miscarriages. Can you imagine doing that five times?” She asked, imploring me to, what? Agree with her? No idea, but I wouldn’t do that.
“Listen, if it happens again, we’ll weather it together. Together, not you shoving me out the door and dealing with the grief alone.” I told her sternly, lifting an eyebrow.
“Honey, if you don’t want to try again if you don’t think you can handle it again, then we won’t, okay? We can be the best aunt and uncle on the planet to all of our friends’ kids or if my sister ever has kids. We can adopt, we have options.” God, I prayed she was listening to me, no way could I hold up another eight months without her, the last had been horrible.
Waking every night, feeling like part of me was missing had been terrible. Knowing that it was Amber that I needed to feel whole, and I couldn’t have her, not until I wore her down had been almost too much to take. I didn’t want to feel that way ever again.
I watched her for a few minutes, assessing her, looking for any more damage I was doing. She looked okay like she was thinking about everything I’d said.
“One thing that I won’t budge on, though, is holding you in my arms tonight and every night from here on out.” A ghost of a smile crossed her beautiful face before she laid her head on my shoulder and began to trace lazy patterns around the buttons on my suit shirt.
