by Anna Scott
"You were - Amber, you were pregnant?" my dad croaked, the words sounding rough and foreign, torturously ripped from his throat.
I disappointed him, I had failed my parent. I got pregnant outside of wedlock, with a man they hadn't even known about at the time. Dropping my head, I allowed my long hair to curtain my face and to shield myself from their looks of unhappiness.
"Yes sir, she was pregnant. Unfortunately, we didn't find out about it until it was already too late," Trent answered my father for me. He had removed his hand from mine and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me deeper into his chest.
"Sweetheart," my father began, "Please, honey, look at me. I'm upset, I'm sad - not angry." My dad's voice had softened, sympathy and compassion now laced his every word.
My face still lowered, eyes closed tight, I only nodded that I'd heard him and that I understood.
"I had a miscarriage before your father, and I married too. It was probably one of the most difficult times of my life." My mom shocked me by confessing. My head lifted, and my eyes met hers. I noticed my father's hand had reached across and now held my mother's firmly. He was giving her strength in much the same way Trent did for me.
"It's true. I was so young, not even twenty. I thought my world was coming to an end. Your dad was so wonderful through it all." She paused for a minute to compose herself and accept the kiss my father offered. I was in complete shock. I didn't know why I never saw my parents as being human before. "We didn't really talk about things like that back then, but he did. Your dad was right there with me. We were both still in school. I was in college, and your dad had just begun law school. Even with the demands of his job and his studies, he was with me."
Watching the soft smile on my mom's face as she looked up at my dad, his arm wrapped around her and pulled her into his own chest, much like Trent was doing with me. I recognized maybe for the first time, what an amazing love they shared. I always knew that they loved each other, but in that moment I saw something immeasurably more than I could have understood before Trent.
Understanding what they had gone through and how much all that must have strained them. Watching them together, they were stronger than ever, they held firm in the arms of the one they loved beyond all else. I knew that what I did so long ago, pushing Trent away like I had was me. I wasn't what I learned, but what I did to protect myself and to protect him from pain. It was an immature and selfish response to grief.
Trent believed that he was the one who needed to be redeemed, to be relieved of the things that had happened. I knew he was wrong, it was me. I needed redemption from my own fears, from depression and selfishness - all of it.
"Mama, I hate to ask you, but I'm telling you all this because I need to know. Is there a reason that I had the miscarriage? Is there something genetically wrong that you know of?"
Mom's face turned white and fear flooded through my system, I couldn't imagine what she was about to tell me. This was it, I opened the door. I wanted the truth. Now I was about to get it.
"My god Amber, no, there's nothing wrong with you. I don't have any idea why you would have a miscarriage sweetheart."
"But Mom, you had -"
She interrupted me with an outstretched hand. "No, sweetheart. I had other issues, they're not genetic." She paused a moment, and I wasn't sure if she would continue. She glanced at Trent, then went on. "I had - an injury."
Her words made no sense, I didn't understand what she was trying to say, but as she looked at my father, who gave her a loving and reassuring nod. She smiled slightly and continued.
"Amber, when I was in high school, I was attacked. It resulted in some serious, permanent damage. That's why I had a hard time carrying a baby."
My entire body went rigid, "attacked?" I whispered, unsure if I wanted to know the rest. I was floored by all the revelations of the day. Did I know anything about this woman aside from the things that pertained to me personally? Had my eyes been closed to her all these years?
"Yes, it was late, after an away game. I remember arguing with my mother because I wanted to drive myself. She worried, but I had to finish a test or something after school and needed to leave late. The rest of the cheerleaders had gotten onto the bus, and I was walking to my car. Before I got there, I was grabbed."
"Mom?"
"No, honey, I'm okay. It was a long time ago. It just isn't something I think about much anymore. It was a few of the players from the other team. I'd never - it was..."
Her words trailed off as she stared out the window overlooking the back yard. I was stunned, how could she have gone through such a horrible thing and I didn't know?
My dad kissed her temple, then looked toward Trent and me. I almost forgot that he was sitting there next to me. He was holding me tight, stroking my hair. My entire body was cold and what I didn't realize was, that I was trembling. Just the thought of my own mother having to go through something like that ripped my heart out. I thought back to my own high school experience and a light dawned.
"I always thought it was because you only had me, but that was why, wasn't it?"
My voice was hoarse with unshed tears, but I knew my dad had heard me, and apparently my mom had too. They knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Yes, honey, that's why I was so overprotective. It was one of the worst nights of my entire life, the worst, maybe. When you started cheering, I was excited and even proud. Even with the happiness, I felt for you, every away game, dance, volleyball game - all of your activities were hard for me. Those away games, though, I just couldn't do it."
"I get it, mom, I'm sorry for fighting you, I had no idea."
"I know, you couldn't have. I didn't want you to go through anything like that."
"Well, thanks for driving me everywhere and for protecting me."
Thinking back over my childhood, I could see it now so much more clearly. My mom had panicked once when I was supposed to go away for a week to science camp with the school and she didn't think she would be able to go. I remembered her and dad fighting about it, but I hadn't understood why at the time. I had even gotten angry with her for treating me like a baby. She and dad rarely argued, he doted on her, was gentle and gave her pretty much anything she wanted. She was the same with him, dedicating her time to him, to his work, his activities, his comforts and then to me as well.
In the end, she rearranged some things and had been able to take me to camp. In retrospect, I could see it. I better understood the state of absolute fear she must have lived in. Even in high school when I began to drive, she would take me to away games. Mom attended any activity I did after school. When I rode with the team on the bus, she followed. She walked me to the bus and made sure I was on safely. Then she'd trail that old bus home. My friends teased me about it, and I remembered being embarrassed, by her relentlessness. She gave me everything. Her dedication and willingness to give up her own time and money to save me from a similar fate showed me what a truly amazing mother she was. My mom had a real life understanding of how something like that would change my life, and she had done everything she possibly could to prevent it.
I moved to her, tears streaming down my face and embraced her. Holding her tight in my arms, we cried together as I thanked her and apologized over and over again. Maybe nothing like that would have happened to me, but one thing I knew, she was there to make sure it never did.
After our tears had been spent, we all went back out to enjoy the day. We ate, swam and played in the sun. We were talking, laughing and thoroughly enjoying the day when Trent's special ringtone went off. After quick hug and kiss to my parents, I gathered our things as he listened and was ready, waiting by the door with everything by the time he ended his call.
"I'm sorry, sweetness." He blinked at me a couple of times, seemingly surprised that I had everything done.
A cheery smile and a quick shrug, I handed over the swim bag and towels and followed him out. Sure, I was disappointed, but I wasn't about to pitch a fit over it. He was nee
ded, and I needed to support him in that.
"It is what it is, at least they waited until the end of the day."
As we got back to the house, Trent jumped in and took the quickest shower in history. Glad he had just finished a full meal, I pulled together some snacks for him to take. I'd gotten pretty adept at this over the past few months. he didn't get called out a lot, but often enough that I came up with a system.
Often times when SWAT was called out, they rushed to the scene, would get briefed and then stand around waiting for hours. I started keeping some dried fruits, nuts, seeds, and Cliff bars on hand. They were all things I could grab and toss in a bag while he got ready. Since those snacks were pretty healthy and not messy, he was able to toss a bite or two in his mouth from time to time. Of course, I always made him coffee, since inevitably, call outs happened late in the day or in the middle of the night. A call could take as few as a couple of hours, up to the longest I'd heard of was twenty-three.
"You know, you're the perfect cop's wife, right?" Trent asked as he grabbed the bag, pecked my lips and hustled down the sidewalk toward his car. The word "wife" sent goosebumps down my spine. I didn't respond to it, just called out that I loved him and to be safe, same as always. I had to wonder, was I becoming superstitious, like so many of the professional ball players I heard about?
Shrugging it off, I turned, tripped over my cat and mentally rearranged my evening.
Two weeks passed since our talk with my parents. Mom called me every day, asking me if I was okay and generally just checking in with me. Now that I understood her better, I didn't allow myself to get annoyed with her over-protective ways.
With our normally busy life, I hadn't taken the time to talk to Trent about the miscarriage. I did consider the possibility of another pregnancy sometime far into the future. Now that I understood that my mother's issues weren't genetic, the fear had lessened - though it hadn't totally gone, I was still anxious after my last pregnancy, unsure I'd be able to deal with another heartbreak like that.
Trent's schedule had been unusually hectic, or more so than normal. Something was going on at work, so he and Gavin both had been called in or needed to stay late almost every day. Finally on our first day off together, and we were going to spend it with his family.
Trent's sister Natalie was hilarious. She was fiery, opinionated and blunt. All things I loved about her and all things her brother found exasperating. Nat was independent and wouldn't accept help with anything.
Pulling up in front of his mom's house, Trent's body tensed. He scanned the front of her property, so I followed suit. Not seeing anything that stood out, I asked him.
"What is it?"
"The roses." That was it, that was all he said. I looked at the cluster of rose bushes in front of the large picture window. Looking over each one, I didn't notice anything.
"What about the roses?"
Nodding toward the largest bush, he explained. "The yellow one, it's really old. Mom split it from my gram's yard when I was little. She dug it up and moved it here when she sold our old house and bought this place."
Scanning it again, I noticed that among her perfectly tended bushes one had some branches broken. Branches that were now lying on the otherwise pristinely neat ground. Aside from those, there wasn't so much as a stone or leaf out of place.
Before any more could be said the front door swung open, and Trina's springer spaniel Daisy bounded out. Her tongue lolled to the left, tail wagging excitedly as she ran toward my side of the truck. As I opened my door, she jumped up and put her front paws on the door frame before I even had a chance to swing down.
"Daisy, come here," Trina called, though Daisy wasn't listening. I'd been there before, and the dog was sweet but not obedient. I spent a long time playing with her before, and apparently, she remembered me.
Swinging my legs down I carefully slid out, making sure not to kick the dog on my way to the ground. As my green gingham espadrilles hit the ground, Daisy transferred her paws to my bare legs, hitting me just below the cuff of my hemline. My green halter neck top sundress was loose around the middle, thankfully, since when I bent to pet the dog and remove her little claws from my thighs, it didn't pull tight or ride up. I'd be mortified if I flashed Trent's mother.
Trina was the epitome of a fifty-something woman. She was a mom for sure. Her petite frame was still rather fit, and though I'd only ever seen her casually dressed, her version of casual was much different from my own. Trina wore a pair of gray linen Capris with a perfect crease ironed on the front. Her complimenting pink linen three-quarter length top, with small gray and white flowers, matched her pink ballet flats almost perfectly. Since she had been divorced for almost fifteen years, she no longer wore a wedding ring, only a small silver watch, and pearl earrings adorned her now. Her blonde shoulder-length hair was styled beautifully, with soft waves that framed her delicate face. She wore little makeup and appeared to be allowing her hair to show her age. It was beginning to gray slightly, though mostly whiten. It looked beautiful on her. Trina Harris wasn't trying to look younger than she was, she wasn't flashy, but classically beautiful.
"Amber, sweetheart, so good to see you."
As Trina reached me on the sidewalk, I straightened from Daisy and accepted Trina's warm hug. She kissed my cheek lightly, and I returned the gesture.
"Mama," Trent greeted as he made it to our side. He wrapped the tiny woman in his long arms and embraced her with a deep and abiding love. He respected and appreciated the woman she was, and all the things she'd endured. Though she hadn't been able to keep Natalie and Trent completely safe, she had done her best. It was easy on this end of things to argue that she should have left her husband and filed for divorce early on, but as I understood it, her parents had been aging, and ill. Joseph had threatened her relentlessly, stating that he would take custody of the children.
Trina hadn't believed that he could get full custody, but she was terrified at the thought that he would even get unsupervised visitation. Joseph had beaten her down for so long that she believed him and had been terribly frightened. Regardless, she did her absolute best, and I knew that she had always been a quiet and unassuming but a loving and kind mother.
Unlike our last visit with my family, this visit was completely without heart-wrenching revelations, much to my relief. Trent's jovial relationship with his sister was amusing, and it was obvious that their mother thought so too. Natalie teased Trent constantly. She called him dude, which he professed to hate - though I thought that he secretly liked it. She confided to me that she called him that because he looked like a surfer.
Once when they were younger, the family went on vacation to Hawaii. Trent took surfing lessons and had been terrible. The surfing instructor had called out "Duuuude," every time Trent bit it, the nickname stuck. I couldn't imagine Trent being bad at anything, he was so strong, his body movements graceful. The image of him falling off a surfboard caused an uncontrollable giggle to rise up in my throat. Once I started laughing, I couldn't stop, and Natalie joined in. Trent glared at the two of us, knowing that we were up to no good.
"So, who's this guy you're seeing?" Trent asked his sister. I noticed his mom tense as if she thought he was asking her an off-limits question. I wondered just who was in her life and if she would ever tell Trent about it. Natalie shrugged and looked away, but didn't answer.
"Do I know him?" He pressed, not letting it go. I could see that he was morphing into big-brother protective mode, and I didn't think Natalie would go for it.
"No, and don't worry about it, it isn't serious." Trina's lips tightened as she looked at her daughter and I wondered what the story was there. It was obvious that Trina knew something, but she wasn't sharing.
As we gathered our things to say goodbye, Trent pulled his mother aside and spoke to her in hushed tones, so neither Natalie nor I could hear. When he climbed up into the truck, I gave Daisy one last scratch behind her ears and hugged Trina. Her arms were warm and kind, and at that moment.
I felt it. She was welcoming me as a part of her family.
Once we were underway, I looked over and noticed that Trent's jaw was tense.
"Something wrong?"
"The roses," was all he said. I didn't understand what he was upset about, but I could guess. His dad had been quiet for a while, but I knew that Trent was still worried about what he'd do next. After what he shared with me so many weeks ago, about the things his father had done I figured he was right - his dad was unpredictable and evil.
As we lay in my bed later that night, he asked, "Do you have a realtor we should use or do you want me to find one?"
We had already made love, so I was completely relaxed and lying naked in his arms. Snowball, who become acutely aware when activities were heating up, hadn't returned to the bed yet, likely unsure if we were about to go for round two. He was a smart cat. Trent played with my hair as I thought about what he just said. Sure, we had talked about what we wanted in a home but hadn't set a time frame. I guessed he was doing that now.
After mentally assessing my readiness to move forward, I realized that now, there was nothing holding me back.
"I'll call Cali tomorrow, when do you want to start looking?"
He gave me a quick squeeze, seemingly relieved by my answer. "When is your day off this week?"
"Thursday and Friday."
"Good, let's try for Friday morning. Call her tomorrow and give her our list. We can go over it again in the morning if you want. That way we can make sure we have all the important stuff."
Instead of answering, I turned my head and kissed his jaw. I couldn't wait to find the perfect house, just for us.
"Are you going to sell the condo?" I asked, unsure of his answer. We talked about it some, but we both liked having it. It was paid for, and when his mom's cousins or old Marine Corps buddies came to visit, he offered it up.
