Andy started going over logistics again while I tried to figure him out. He was apparently a doctor, a doctor that had given his life to God and missionary service. And yet he knew how to handle all of the territory leaders in this part of Mexico well enough to stay alive and keep his family alive. He had basically a storehouse of weapons and Molotov cocktails were a specialty of his.
My dad’s cousin had been a missionary too, but I had a hard time picturing the meek, mild-mannered children’s pastor wielding guns and declaring revolution.
Then again, I had never pictured myself as the gun-toting, Zombie assassin I turned out to be either.
Hendrix suddenly jumped to his feet and left the room. I stopped breathing as his tension and frustration seemed to swell around me, suppressing the air and slinging his emotional chaos everywhere. The backdoor opened and then slammed with a force strong enough to rattle the house.
We fell silent after his violent exit. Nobody knew what to say or exactly what was wrong with him. I was afraid to move, even though he was no longer near me.
My entire side felt void of heat. I shivered against the coldness his absence brought next.
“Reagan,” Vaughan called, shaking me out of my frozen state. “Will you go talk to him?”
“Me?” I squeaked. My hand fluttered to my neck and I tried to swallow against a sudden onslaught of nervous energy.
Vaughan gave me a tender smile. “Yes, you. Reassure him that you’re still alive. Make out with him. Jump his bones. Do something to help him get rid of that gigantic, pain-in-the-ass chip on his shoulder.” His words were teasing, but his blue eyes were dangerously serious. “Please?” He threw in at the end, but I knew better.
Vaughan wasn’t asking. Vaughan was commanding me.
“I’m not going to make out with him,” I growled, even while my heart rate picked up pace and my hands started to shake. “But I can find out what’s wrong.”
I straightened my spine and tried to leave the room with dignity. When Harrison threw out, “Everyone should note that jumping his bones is still on the table,” I couldn’t help but give them all the middle finger.
I felt a little guilty because I really didn’t want Joy and Andy to think that I was the worst person on the planet, but oh, well. At least I wasn’t turning people into slaves or eating brains.
The cool desert night pricked at my skin. Earlier it had felt refreshing, but now it added to my discomfort.
The moon shined brightly overhead, unobstructed by clouds. A fire crackled invitingly nearby, Hendrix’s figure silhouetted by the flicker light. I inhaled deeply and enjoyed the scent of smoke and ash mingled with a big pot of stew Joy was whipping up for us.
It was really amazing how simply, but brilliantly Joy and Andy lived. Their house wasn’t located in the stark desert and so they had resources available to them I could never dream of mastering.
They lived on a plot of land capable of growing a garden. I couldn’t see it very well in the darkness, but it spread across their backyard and held all shapes and sizes of plants. A wire fence wrapped around its perimeter and several scarecrow-looking things dotted the middle.
The fire pit was closer to the house, but sectioned off to keep everyone safe. Plastic chairs sat around it as if sometimes Andy and Joy came out to enjoy it. Tall grasses swayed in the breeze and outlined the border of their property. They brushed against each other, making a soft symphony of sound when joined with the other nighttime noises.
Mexico was weird at night, not at all what we were used to. In America we had learned to be afraid of the dark, to hide ourselves away and keep out of sight. But here, the Zombies, for the most part, were locked up. Their masters kept them caged, making the night a safer place.
Not that Mexico was any safer than America. Obviously not. But we didn’t have to cower inside after sunset and that was mostly a foreign concept for me.
I walked over to Hendrix, but kept my distance. For a long time I just let the silence wrap around us. His eyes flickered to mine through the orange flames, but he didn’t start conversation and I didn’t know where to begin.
When the breeze picked up and smoke billowed in my face, I shielded my mouth and stepped next to him. His unfaltering gaze tracked my movements and his shoulders stiffened the closer I got to him.
“Are you okay?” The words burst out of me. I couldn’t stand him watching me like that and not knowing what it meant. My skin itched and tingled; my stomach swirled with nerves. I needed him to say something. I needed him to diffuse this building tension between us.
“What makes you think I’m not okay?” His gruff reply made me take a step back.
I shrugged one shoulder and tried to hide my smile, “A hunch?”
He let out a deep sigh and then ran both of his hands through his damp hair. “I’m that obvious?”
“Slamming the door didn’t help.”
“I can’t stand waiting,” he admitted. “Page is out there. Alone. And I can’t do anything to help her until tomorrow. I want to go now. I want to tear this country apart until I find her. I want to destroy every single person that stands in my way and I want to do it with my bare hands.”
I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and tried to think of something to say that would help ease his tension. Instead, I said, “I want to do the same thing.” He looked at me fully then, surprise clearly written across his face. I met his intense gaze and said, “I want to hurt every single person that took her away from us. Hurt them until they stop breathing.”
He tore his gaze away from me and turned back to the fire. “I didn’t expect you to understand.”
“Why not? We’re all desperate to get her back. We’re all tired of this country and these hardships and all of these people that keep trying to kill us. You’re not alone. Don’t ever think you’re alone.”
Hendrix was silent for a few minutes before he admitted, “Sometimes my violent thoughts scare me.”
I took a step towards him and wrapped a trembling hand around his bicep. “Mine too. This world has changed me. I can’t even recognize myself anymore.” I hated the agony that broke my voice and the telling waver that preceded tears.
Hendrix immediately pulled me to his chest. His strong arms circled my waist and one of his hands cradled the back of my head. I took a deep breath and let the tears fall.
“I recognize you,” he whispered against my hair. “I see you and know exactly who you are.”
My heart squeezed in my chest and I felt something warm and solid wrap around me. “I see you too,” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t sure if he could hear me.
Of, course he did. He pulled back just enough to stare down at me. His eyes glittered in the darkness, their intensity searing through me. His full lips pressed down into a frown and the hand he held against my head shook just barely.
“I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve expected you to die. It is slowly killing me.” His voice was low and rumbly and made me shiver in his arms. “I will not survive without you.”
I splayed my hand over his heart and felt the corded muscle beneath my palm. “Don’t let me die. Don’t let me leave you.”
He looked pained when he said, “I can’t, Reagan. I tried to let you leave. I am not a strong enough man to let you go.”
My stomach flipped and hope began to bloom in my chest. “I need you to know that-”
He didn’t let me finish my apology; his hands slid up my body and clutched my face as he crashed his lips to mine.
I sucked in a surprised gasp and he did not hesitate to deepen the kiss. His tongue swept over mine just before he pulled back to bite down on my bottom lip. He continued to kiss me roughly… desperately… deeply.
I clutched as his shoulders, needing something to hold on to. Sensing my dizziness, one of his hands dropped from my face and he circled my waist with his arm.
I felt tiny in his hold. He towered over me and dominated this kiss so fiercely that I would have felt delicate exce
pt for his lips that were anything but gentle.
His bare chest pebbled beneath my hands from the cool night sky, but he solved the chill by pressing our bodies closer together. I dragged my hands over his shoulders and wrapped my arms around his neck.
My skin tingled everywhere and my chest ached almost painfully. This was what I had been missing for so long. This was the one thing that I could not live without.
Flashes of Kane flipped through my mind, but I shoved them down and buried them deep. I had cared for Kane; that was true.
Part of me even loved him.
But nothing I felt for Kane Allen came close to my feelings for Hendrix.
His kiss was wildfire in my blood and over my skin. I couldn’t help but be completely consumed by him. My lips moved hungrily with his and I drank him in, his scent, his taste… his soul.
Emotion pushed at my closed eyelids. I couldn’t believe I had been without this for so long. I couldn’t believe that I had ever given this up.
He made a needy sound in the back of his throat and I hugged him tighter, kissed him longer. He had missed me too.
That might have been the hardest part to understand.
I had messed up with him so colossally and yet he still wanted me.
He still needed me.
His hand slid from my jaw, down my neck to rest on my ribs. His large palm splayed over the thin bones and I felt his handprint like a brand against my skin.
He slowed our kiss from a ferocious hunger to a seductive, slow build. His mouth moved over mine like he was savoring me, savoring every moment of this intimate contact.
I softened my death grip around his neck and let him carry me away with his delicious kisses. I cherished each brush of his lips, each taste of his tongue. I let the feel of his body overwhelm me, and the sensation of him dissolve whatever was left of me.
In this moment we weren’t trapped in despair and desolation.
It was only us.
And with us were hope and light and goodness. Fate and life and forever.
My hands shook as I threaded them through his hair. I never wanted this to end. I wanted to stay here, in this moment, worshipping his mouth and apologizing with my soul. I wanted to never leave him or his body.
I wanted to erase every stupid thing I had ever done and be with him again. In every way.
I realized then, as his lips trailed a sensual path over my jaw and down my neck, his teeth nibbling and provoking with each kiss, that I hadn’t just been depressed since we ended things… I had been lost.
I had been wandering and confused and without a home.
Hendrix was that place for me. He was my safe place, my haven from this never-ending storm… he was my light in this unbreakable darkness.
And without him I had faded away.
He paused at the hollow of my throat, his lips resting against my erratic pulse. My fingers rubbed a soothing path through his hair and I leaned down to press a kiss against the top of his head.
He groaned suddenly and it sounded like agony.
I closed my eyes and anticipated his words. I knew he had to have felt the same way that I did. I knew that he missed me and couldn’t wait to be with me again.
And this time it would be different. This time I wouldn’t accidentally fall in love with someone else or leave him or do anything else but stay with him.
He was it for me.
I hated that it took me this long to realize that, but it was permanent now. We were forever.
His arm dropped from around my waist and he practically jumped away from me. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled behind hands that now covered his face.
“For what?”
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
I took a step forward and wrapped my hand around his wrist. He took another step back, away from me. My hand dropped to my side.
He rubbed his hands over his face roughly, “It’s just… sometimes… okay, all of the time, it’s like I can’t think around you.”
I swallowed thickly and tried not to cry. “I’m sorry?”
His moved his hands to cross his arms defiantly over his chest. “No, please don’t apologize. It’s me. I should be the one apologizing. God, Reagan, I just…”
I couldn’t take it anymore. He caught me off guard, but I wasn’t weak and I wasn’t insecure. I didn’t understand what the problem was. “Hendrix for what? What do you think that you did wrong?”
His gaze narrowed and he took me in with that intensity I knew was only his. “We broke up. I just kissed you.”
I made a growly sound in the back of my throat. “Did I act like I didn’t want to be kissed? Did I push you away or demand that you stop? Sure, we broke up, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay broken up. That doesn’t mean I don’t still have feelings for you and want to be with you again.”
He swallowed loud enough for me to hear him. I watched his Adam’s apple bob and I wanted nothing more than to press a kiss against it and pick up exactly where we’d left off.
“Hendrix, I made mistakes. Lots of mistakes. But letting you go was my biggest one.”
His eyes darkened and a shiver made his chest jerk. I didn’t know if it was from the cool air or my words. “We’ve been through a lot over the last few weeks. More so than usual. Page is missing and I can’t get ahold of my emotions. I’m all over the place. I’m sure you are too.”
“What does that mean?” I didn’t mean to bite out the words, but I was getting obnoxiously frustrated.
He took a deep breath and held my gaze. “It means that we’re probably both making emotional decisions right now… decisions we might regret in the morning.”
Hot, searing anger flashed through me. “I’m not making a decision I’ll regret! I regret how we ended! And I will regret not trying to make this work with you! Do you really think your feelings for me are based on pressure or… or… tragedy?”
His jaw ticked dangerously and I was surprised when his teeth didn’t shatter. “I know my emotions aren’t based on circumstances, Reagan. I know that. I’ve had to live with them for far too long now for me to be anything but certain of them. It’s your feelings I can’t predict! It’s your feelings that change! It’s you that can’t make up your mind!”
His words were like a slap to my face. I stumbled back a step and gasped for air. Hot tears pricked in the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.
We stood there staring at each other for long, silent moments. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. I couldn’t think of an explanation or an excuse or an insult. I just stared at him and willed him to apologize.
I wanted his words erased from my memory. I wanted to never remember them. But I couldn’t stop them from pinging around my head and stabbing me in the heart.
He didn’t trust me.
He didn’t trust that I still loved him and he didn’t trust that I would continue to love him.
This conversation mingled with the mistakes of my past, making me feel wrong… making me feel regret.
Those were hard feelings to feel. They tasted bitter and acidic and I couldn’t manage to swallow them.
I hated being wrong. I hated being the person in the wrong. But with Hendrix? It was multiplied endlessly.
I didn’t just make a mistake, I made the worst mistake. And I didn’t just lose something important, I lost the most important thing.
“I should go,” he mumbled with a softer tone. I could tell he felt bad for yelling at me and probably worse for kissing me and starting this whole mess, but I couldn’t offer words to comfort him.
He had left me speechless. In the worst way possible.
I didn’t move as he walked by me. I felt the wind of his movement and inhaled him one last time, but then he was gone. The door to the house opened and closed, finalizing the end of… whatever this was.
An ugly sound clawed its way out of my chest. It sounded like death and grieving. I pressed my hand to my heart as hard as I could, concaving my shoulde
rs as if I could protect myself from the damage.
I stumbled to the fire and stood as close as I could before I collapsed into sitting. I needed the heat or I would turn to ice and shatter into a million fragments.
Tears fell and my breathing became short. God, what an asshole!
No.
That wasn’t true.
I forced myself to see this from his perspective. Now I wanted him. Now, after months of nothing and mourning for Kane. I wanted him after one of the most traumatic weeks of my life where I had faced death way too many times. I wanted him while his sister was missing and we had just barely escaped hell alive.
I closed my eyes and forced my spirit to agree with him.
I looked insincere and fickle. I had opened up to him lately, but we hadn’t even talked in days. I knew that he cared about me and he would have to be a complete idiot not to know that I cared for him too, but did that mean we should be together again?
What if we couldn’t make it? What if he never got over our past and I never convinced him we had a future?
I didn’t want to spend the end of the world in an endless cycle of nasty breakups.
I also didn’t want to spend it without him.
The door opened again and I looked over my shoulder hoping it would be him.
It wasn’t.
Tyler wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and walked over to me. She saw me sitting on the ground and pressed her lips together.
I turned back to the fire. I didn’t want her pity.
The blanket landed around my shoulders and she sat down next to me in the dirt. She cuddled closely so we could share the warmth.
“He’s a jackass,” she declared.
I blanched with a new fear, “Did he tell everyone what happened?”
“No, of course not. But Harrison started to give him a hard time and I thought Hendrix might snap his skinny neck. What happened?”
I groaned, not wanting to relive my humiliation. “He kissed me.”
I felt Tyler’s shock as her body froze. She tried to play it off and joke, but I had to wonder if I was the densest person in the world for thinking I still had a chance with Hendrix. “I get that pissed too whenever Vaughan kisses me. I can relate.”
Love and Decay, Volume Seven (Episodes 5-8, Season Three) Page 6
