“You hungry?” Derek asked.
She hadn’t realized how quiet it was until he’d spoken. Lindsey shrugged. “Not really.”
“You’ll feel better if you eat. It’s dinnertime.”
She didn’t respond, only looked out her window at the Kansas City skyline as they crossed over the Missouri River. He’d insisted on taking her home. Also insisted on letting him deal with her car, which was still at Anne’s. Absolutely maddening.
After a while she realized he was pulling into a shopping center parking lot. “What are we doing?”
He pulled into a spot and put the truck in park. “I’ll be back,” he said.
Lindsey sighed when he got out, happy to finally have a few minutes alone. Her head had begun to pound along with her wrist. The sound of the heater blowing lulled her into a drowsy trance and she let her eyes close once more.
The sound of the driver’s door opening startled Lindsey awake and she turned to see Derek getting back into his seat with two bags. The scent of greasy food entered with him and suddenly her mouth watered.
“Sit up,” he commanded. She did, wiping at her eyes. The sun was already setting, making it feel a lot later then it really was. He messed with some things in his seat and then faced her.
“First this.” Derek passed her a pill. She took it and then he held out a bottle of water. “Now this. Eat.”
He held out a paper wrapper opened up to reveal a cheeseburger and French fries. Lindsey took it, laid it in her lap, and automatically lifted the top of the bun. Cheese and pickles. Nothing else. The exact way she’d eaten cheeseburgers her entire life. The way she’d ordered them at the Grill counter at the campus food court. They’d eaten there so many times together.
“Everything okay?” Derek asked. He’d already taken a bite of his own burger.
“Yeah. Thank you.” Lindsey’s stomach growled then. “Guess I was hungrier than I thought.”
“Figured. I knew I was hungry as hell after sitting in that hospital all afternoon.”
“You didn’t have to do it,” she snapped.
Derek let out a sigh. “Well, I wanted to, Lindsey. Got it? There was nowhere else I wanted to be.”
Lindsey looked down on the center console at the second bag between them. He’d taken her prescription in and gotten it filled. Why was he being this guy? The one that did all the right things? It was overwhelming, and this show of chivalry was starting to make her feel like a complete bitch. Which wasn’t at all fair. He was the one in the wrong and today’s developments made that even more apparent.
Suddenly the reality of his son was too much for Lindsey to bear. She was strong, damn it, and she could handle knowing everything. Needed to know everything. He owed her that.
“You knew that day. Didn’t you?” she asked. For a long moment the only sound was the city noises from outside the truck and the warm air blowing on her legs. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Finally Derek took a deep breath and let it out through his nose.
“I don’t know, Lindsey. At that time … I was ashamed.”
“Ashamed?”
Lindsey turned to look at him. He stared out the windshield, the lights of the store beyond highlighting his chiseled face. His lips worked back and forth.
“I didn’t want you to know the truth. It was easier if I just ended things between us. Lisa was pregnant—which shocked the hell out of me. And my father…”
She’d never really known much about his family. The truth was, their relationship had been all surface. All emotions, passion, and excitement. They’d never even said the word “love”—although she’d felt it and assumed it would come in due time. It had never reached that stage where you show each other your vulnerabilities, and she suddenly wondered if there was more Derek had kept from her. Not because they’d not got around to it, but on purpose.
“What about your father?”
He shook his head. “Nothing. I had to do what I did, Lindsey. Were there other options? Yeah, of course. But at that time, I had to be with Lisa. I had to be my son’s father.” Finally he turned to look at her. “But what I want you to know is that I was in fucking hell losing you.”
Lindsey swallowed hard. She bit down on her bottom lip to keep any unwanted emotion from slipping past. She breathed deeply once. Twice. There were so many questions floating through her mind, but she couldn’t speak. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted the answers.
“I didn’t cheat on you, Linds,” he said. Why did he always seem to know what she was thinking? “Lisa and I had split as soon as I knew that I was attracted to you. Her pregnancy was completely unexpected.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She was my girlfriend through high school. Then college. We’d started to grow apart and I knew we’d break up, we didn’t go through with it. We both just kept … God. We continued to have sex. We shouldn’t have, but we did. During that time I first saw you … and God, I was so attracted to you.”
Lindsey looked away, unable to focus on the intensity of his eyes.
“I broke up with her the day before I left you that first note. We didn’t know then that she was pregnant. But she was.”
Things became a little clearer now. The way their breakup had come out of nowhere. How he’d closed his feelings off from her so suddenly her head had spun. It had all been so confusing and painful. But none of what he was saying changed the past. He’d made his choice. There really wasn’t much more to say.
“You told me you loved someone else,” she said quietly.
“I lied, Linds. I was stupid as hell. I thought … I don’t know what I thought. That it was what I should be thinking. If I was going to stay with Lisa, surely I should have loved her. But I didn’t. I didn’t want you to love me back because then I’d want to stay with you. Maybe I wanted the whole world to be as miserable as I was. But I had to let you know it was over.”
Lindsey let out a bitter laugh. “I knew it all right.” Suddenly the truck felt like it was closing in on her. “Can you please take me home now?” she said quietly.
Derek stared at her for a long moment but she couldn’t look him in the eye any longer. Finally he shifted in his seat, put the truck in drive, and pulled out of the parking lot with one hand on the wheel and one on his dinner.
It was possible she might get to a place where she could accept what had happened. Maybe she could even try and understand. Even forgive. But she would never forget, which meant there was no way they could ever be romantically involved again. Friends?
Maybe.
* * *
Derek headed down the road chewing on the last bite of his burger. He wasn’t even tasting it any longer because he was just sick over every single thing that had happened today.
Sitting in a parking lot with a wounded Lindsey was not the way he’d always imagined having that conversation. She’d listened. And hadn’t yelled or cried. But she also hadn’t said much in response. There had been no resolution and he didn’t feel any better than before. The stupid thing was, he wasn’t really sure what he’d wanted.
Her understanding? Definitely. Hopefully her forgiveness. But damn it, he realized that even against his better judgment, he also wanted her. Yeah, he knew they would never return to what they’d had eight years ago, but he saw this as a second chance.
Sure, they could be just friends. But there were moments when looking at her was so close to torture he questioned why he kept putting himself through it. He realized with clarity that all of his adult life he’d been waiting for something equal to what they’d had to come along. It never would, because there was only one Lindsey. Only one woman that could make him feel whole. Like he was good enough just as he was.
Obviously she wasn’t throwing out those vibes these days, but he knew that she was still the same loving, compassionate, gentle girl that he’d fallen for eight years ago.
Trying to focus on where he was going, he began reading street signs.
“Te
ll me again which street your sister lives on,” he said. He listened as she explained to him how to get to the building and they continued on in silence.
Gripping the wheel, he forced himself not to demand a response from her. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking and it was by iron will that he didn’t continually turn to glance at her so he could try and figure it out on his own. She’d always been easy to read, worn her heart on her sleeve. No more.
Looking at her these days drove him insane. She was still so beautiful. Her full wide mouth with bow-shaped lips, the thick lashes that would brush the top of her cheeks when she laughed so hard her eyes shut. He might never see that again but it was ingrained in his memory. He hadn’t lied in that hospital room. He was desperate to see her smile at him again.
After a few moments Derek pulled into the parking lot and followed her directions up to the sidewalk. He put the truck in park and reached over to unlock her seat belt. “Hang on, I’ll help you out,” he said as he jumped out.
By the time he got there she was easing her way off the seat. “I got it,” she said.
He was really tired of her being so stubborn. “Haven’t you realized that I like helping you?” he asked.
She didn’t respond, and he assumed the only thing that kept her from making a snotty comeback was how physically exhausted she was. He could see it in the way her head hung to the side.
“Can I walk you up?” he asked.
Her eyes went wide and she shook her head. “No. Please … I’m fine.”
He gave a small nod, not surprised. Derek reached into the truck and handed her the bag of medicine.
She took it and then looked up at him. “Thank you for taking me to the hospital.”
Derek shoved his hands in his pockets. “It shouldn’t have been necessary. I’m sorry you got hurt. Truly.”
She shrugged. “I’ll be okay. I always am.” And with that she turned and headed toward the building and then up the stairs and out of sight.
Derek cursed under his breath and then got back into the truck. What a horrible day. He was starting to think that she was right, they needed to stay far away from one another. But no, he couldn’t stomach that. Now more than ever he was determined to do something right by this woman. There was a lot of baggage between them, but damn it, there was a lot of good, too. Really good. He just needed to remind her how things used to be before everything had gone to hell.
At that time his personal life had been shit. He’d chosen to pursue a degree in architecture just to make his father happy, which had meant giving up his dream of being a comic book artist. It had been his lifelong passion and his father had robbed him of it by constantly reminding Derek how he’d never make it. Looking back, it was probably a childish thing to hope for, chances are it would have led to nothing. But now as a father himself, he couldn’t imagine looking into his son’s eyes and telling him his dreams were stupid.
Derek’s relationship with Lisa, which had started in high school, had also been a constant source of frustration in college. About the time the school year had started, he’d been in denial about them for almost a year, just putting off the inevitable. Actually, he’d kept hoping she’d do it for him, but they’d both stayed together for their own stupid reasons, none of which had anything to do with love.
And then along came Lindsey.
The first time Derek ever laid eyes on Lindsey she’d been a freshman sitting in the front row of Professor Robert’s Principles of Modern Architecture class. A lot of students took it as an art elective and at the time Derek was Roberts’s undergrad teacher’s assistant. He’d been late that day, sneaked in through the office at the front of the class and sat down quietly at the desk reserved for him off to the side.
It had taken him less than a second to notice her. The first thing that had caught his attention was her lips as they chewed on a pencil. She’d watched Roberts intently, soaking up everything he said and taking copious notes.
Derek hadn’t taken his eyes off her, knowing that any minute she would notice and he’d have to look away. Finally she did. But it wasn’t the instant flicker of someone who accidentally catches your gaze. It was the slow glance and stare of someone that said I feel you watching me, cut it out. It had made him smile instantly, and she’d tried as hard as she could not to reciprocate as she turned her focus back to the professor.
She’d failed.
He’d seen her lips quirk and her palm rest on her chin so she could cover the evidence with her fist. That was all it had taken. He’d become obsessed. For two weeks he’d watched her in class and every day she’d shoot out of her chair and through the door as soon as the class ended.
Finally he’d gotten fed up with her avoiding him after class, so one day he’d arrived early and left a piece of paper on her desk. It was a two-paneled cartoon. It featured a male and a female in each panel, and it just so happened the female looked a lot like her, with sexy lips, big eyes, and even bigger hair. In the first panel the male said “Hi, I’m Derek.” In the second panel he’d left the female’s speech bubble empty.
Thinking back on it now, he realized it was probably the corniest thing he could have done. He’d been twenty-two years old, for God’s sake, not twelve. But he’d watched as she looked at his work, and a huge grin spread across her face. Immediately she’d taken a pencil and filled it in.
Once again after class she’d bolted, but sure enough she’d left the comic strip on her desk and he’d retrieved it immediately. He still remembered what it said.
“Hi, Derek. I’m Lindsey.”
Seven
Lindsey woke to a baby crying. She glanced at the clock. It was seven in the morning and way too early to be up. A sharp ache zinged through her wrist, reminding her that she was injured and hadn’t taken pain medicine in almost twelve hours.
Immediately her thoughts traveled back to yesterday. Sledding, wiping out, going to the hospital. Derek. Lindsey squeezed her eyes shut once more. She could feel her resolve chipping away where that man was concerned because he just wouldn’t give up. Apparently that was his superpower: persistence. Always had been.
It was still hard for her to process the reality of what she’d learned. What he’d said. She should have asked more questions, but it was still hard for her to even accept that he’d left her because his previous girlfriend had been pregnant. That he’d lied.
One thing that kept nagging at her was the what-ifs. If he had told her the truth then, what would she have wanted? Could she have stayed with a man that was having a baby with another woman? Would their passion for one another even lasted? It was possible that eventually one of them would have lost interest in the other. What would it have been like to continue dating a man with a small child? Was it possible that he’d done her a favor? Maybe he had made the right decision.
The part that hurt was that she would never know because he hadn’t given her the option to decide or even share her feelings on the matter. Hadn’t trusted her enough. Even if he had felt the need to leave her, he should have said why. She’d deserved to know then, not eight years later.
Now that she was fully awake, Lindsey’s wrist throbbed all the harder. Her sister and brother-in-law hadn’t been home yet when she’d gotten back last night so she’d gone right to bed, exhausted from the hill climbing and pain. For a moment she considered pulling the pillow over her head and sleeping in, but then the crying down the hall reached a crescendo. Trembling wails punctuated by long pauses of silence, meaning that three-month-old Eden Marie Miller was screaming so hard she literally lost her breath.
With a groan Lindsey carefully rolled out of bed, grabbed some sweats off the floor, and tugged them on with one hand. Once she hit the hallway she nearly ran into her sister’s husband, Brett.
“Oh, thank goodness, Linds. Would you mind?” He nodded toward his bedroom as he adjusted his tie. Brett was a restaurant manager so he often left early on the weekends. “I’m running late. Eden was up all night.”<
br />
Lindsey gave him the most sympathetic smile that she had to offer this early. “No problem. Where’s Mel?”
“Shower,” he said over his shoulder, already heading down the stairs. He hadn’t even noticed her arm brace. Just as well, since she wasn’t in the mood to explain to him. “Thanks, Linds. Later.”
“Later.” Lindsey sighed and went into the master bedroom. Eden was young enough that Melanie still had her sleeping next to the bed in a bassinet.
“Baby girl,” Lindsey cooed. For a moment she considered how she would pick the tiny infant up and then finally decided on leaning over and scooping her up football style. It wasn’t graceful but it worked. Although Lindsey was right-handed she was surprised to realize how often she used her left hand for normal tasks.
Eden’s little head rooted around, searching for the nearest food source. “Not gonna find anything to eat here, little lady. Mommy will be done soon.”
Lindsey glanced into the bassinet to search for the pacifier. It must be under the blankets. Groaning, she gently laid Eden down on her sister’s king-sized bed, retrieved the necessary equipment, and then nuzzled the rubber nipple past Eden’s puffy little lips.
“Here you go, sweet pea.” Finally Eden caught hold of it, sucking furiously. It wouldn’t be long before she realized the plastic wasn’t filling her tummy. Lindsey heard the shower turn off in the bathroom.
“Mel, hurry it up,” Lindsey yelled.
“Almost done,” her sister called from beyond the closed door.
Lindsey sat and bounced on the bed, trying to soothe Eden. She smiled down at her beautiful niece. Becoming an aunt was one of the best things that had ever happened to her. Someday Lindsey hoped to have a child of her own. Maybe. But in the meantime, spoiling Eden was the next best thing.
Draw Me Close Page 8
