“Forthwith,” I added, then looked innocent as her eyes swept my face angrily. “I don’t see any blood,” I added helpfully.
“Shut up, Danielle,” said Doug.
“Just for the record, I don’t think it was a good idea for her to sign anything. Mark my words, Doug.”
“Tina does what she wants to do,” he told me.
“So I notice. She may have gotten more involved with this than she bargained for.”
The Devil laughed noiselessly and winked at me. Oh, boy, Team Daemon against Team Charismatic. I didn’t intend to be on anyone’s team; he could wink all he wanted. I would sit this one out.
“Let’s get started,” Tina said in a take-charge way. She held Doug’s hand and began singing:
Rank on rank the host of heaven
Spreads its vanguard on the way
As the light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day
That the powers of hell may vanish
As the shadows clear away.
I was impressed despite myself. She had quite a voice. “That was really beautiful,” I said sincerely.
The Devil was nodding. “Third verse of Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence, set to the tune Picardy. It’s always been a favorite of mine.” I looked at him strangely, and he winked again.
“Doug, did you put the Holy Water in the silver bowl?” asked Tina, holding out a hand.
“It’s right here, honey,” he said, handing it to her.
Tina began the ceremony by holding up a plain wooden cross. “The enemies of God are scattered and those who hate Him flee before him! As wax melteth before the fire, so the wicked perish at the presence of God!”
“Praise be to thee, oh Lord,” intoned Doug. That’s right, I remembered his mom telling me with pride that he used to be an altar boy. Not only that, he’d sung in the choir. By the time I’d known him, he sang along to WRRL—“Rock and Roll from the Loop!—” and that was about it.
“Most cunning serpent, you shall no more dare to deceive the human race, persecute the Church, or torment God’s elect. “ She paused to make the sign of the cross and sprinkle some holy water around. “God the Father commands you!“
“Praise be to thee, oh Lord,” intoned Doug. I think I liked him better singing, “I’d Do Anything for Love.”
She made a second sign of the cross and sprinkled some holy water around . “God the Son commands you!”
“Praise be to thee, oh Lord,” intoned Doug. He was like a congregation of one, with officious Tina officiating.
She made a third sign of the cross, gesturing toward Daemon Lucifer and sprinkling holy water his direction. “God the Holy Ghost commands you!”
Cut to Doug, doing his thing.
At this point, I figured she was done, but what do I know, I grew up Lutheran. Tina continued. “The sacred Sign of the Cross commands you! The glorious Mother of God commands you! The faith of the holy apostles Peter and Paul command you! Begone, Satan, inventor and master of all deceit. Give place to the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church! Tremble and flee when we invoke the Holy and terrible Name—“
At this point, Mr. Lucifer undid his tie and loosened his collar, uttering several frightening groans. Then, with the popping of bones and tendons, his head rotated 360 degrees. Doug and Tina froze, appalled looks on their faces. Then, with determination, Tina sprang forward and poured the remaining contents of the holy water over the swiveling head of the Devil. The water boiled and turned into steam in a way most horrible to witness.
As the not-so-nondescript head of the not-so-nondescript man returned to its original position, he seemed to snap out of a trance, retightening his tie. “Danielle, does the hotel have ice? I could use a cold glass of water.” I guessed he could, all right, given that his face and neck were both lobster-read and remnants of steam still wreathed his head.
“Did we exorcise the Devil from the Devil?” Doug whispered. “Is that possible? Could he have returned to his state of blessedness before The Fall?” Tina had not yet regained her power of speech.
I gave the Devil his ice water and he winked at me again.
“You’re a bastard,” I told him.
“Party trick,” he said. “Pretty good one, wouldn’t you say?”
“You disrespectful heathen!” Tina had found her tongue, and the Devil was in for a lashing. She was furious. “You made me look like a fool! Why didn’t you tell me how little you honor the Word of the Lord?”
“You need to be told that? My name is Lucifer! Do you honestly think I care about your mumbo-jumbo?”
“Honey,” Doug said. “I’m not sure I had the holy water. I took it out of Jason’s bottle.”
“How could you?” Tina exclaimed. “Why in the world would you think I’d put holy water in a baby bottle?”
“So it wouldn’t leak in transport,” Doug said pleadingly. He sounded crestfallen.
“The holy water is in the plastic bottle that says ‘Holy Water’ in gold ink.” Tina was keeping a lid on her anger, but I could tell she was steaming, maybe as much as the Devil’s head had been a few minutes ago.
Daemon Lucifer was laughing soundlessly, wiping tears from his cheeks. “Oh my sacred heart,” he said. “This is the best night of my life!”
“Shut up,” said Tina and Doug, simultaneously.
“We’re going home,” announced Tina.
“Well, I trust then that you’re both satisfied customers,” said Daemon Lucifer, rubbing his hands together.
“Wait a minute—” I said.
“I don’t like the sound of that—“ Doug said.
“What’s the matter?” said Tina.
The Devil had a disquieting smile on his face. “Ahem. They’re probably referring to the contract you signed.”
“I didn’t sign a contract,” said Tina.
Wordlessly Daemon Lucifer dropped the heavy embossed paper in front of her.
“You said this was a hold harmless form,” Tina said, her gaze locked on the Devil’s.
“Don’t ever take a salesman’s word,” he said softly. “Get it in writing. Really, you three are entirely too trusting.”
“I didn’t trust you,” Tina said in her best gotcha voice. “I didn’t sign this.” She held up the paper for all of us to see. She had signed Doug’s name, and like a good secretary, had placed her initials, TM, immediately thereafter.
“Honey,” said Doug in a hurt voice. “Was that really fair? Signing my name?”
“You’re on the hook already, Doug,” Tina said crisply. “This was just a way to get to the exorcism.”
“Which didn’t work,” I commented.
“Well, it would have, if we hadn’t used the baby’s bottle for water.”
“Actually, it was just as holy as the holy water,” the Devil observed. “Holy water can be blessed by the priest, but the tears of the innocent are just as salutary.”
“He didn’t cry into that bottle,” Doug pointed out. “He probably drooled, though.”
“The backwash of a baby,” I said dreamily.
“Just as salutary,” the Devil said again, and winked at me. What was he insinuating?
“I doubt that,” said Tina tartly. “Jason’s nearly two years old now and he won’t give up his bottle. I gave him that because he’d just thrown a tantrum, not to mention his sippy cup. I don’t know if he counts as an innocent anymore.”
“What we need is Father Fritz,” said Doug. He sounded just like Mickey Rooney.
“Let’s put on a show in the barn!” I said aloud. Fortunately no one was listening.
“Father Fritz will help,” Tina agreed.
“He’ll vouch for us!” I said, and was rewarded with a dirty look from Doug.
Daemon Lucifer was trying not to look too amused. “I suppose you want me to get him for you?”
In the tone of voice she might use when giving her dinner order at The Olive Garden, Tina said, “Yes, bring us Father Fritz.”
�
�Just one thing, dear lady,” said the Devil. “I need your signature this time, not your husband’s, but yours. Right here.”
“What do you want me to sign?” Tina said suspiciously.
“This will supersede the contract that Doug and Danielle have signed. I’m feeling exceptionally generous because you have kept me so well entertained this evening. I’ve just changed the wording, since our lovers can’t seem to achieve a night of passion. It says, and I quote, ‘A night of exorcism for Douglas Robert Morris, Tina Lou Morris, and Danielle Joy Webster, to be delivered by Prince of Darkness Enterprises. In even of failure of exorcism, Prince of Darkness Enterprises will collect the souls of Mr. and Mrs. Morris and Ms. Webster, payment date to be determined later.’”
My cunning legal mind was a step ahead of him. “I’ll sign, provided you draw a line through our old contract, write ‘null and void’ and sign it yourself.”
“Oh, good thinking, Danielle!” Doug said approvingly. I flushed with pleasure.
Tina said to the Devil, “I’m waiting.”
“For what?”
“You’ll do what Danielle said, nullify their old contract, then we’ll all sign.”
“Do you know how many millennia old I am?” demanded the Devil. “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
“What’s the date?” I demanded.
“It’s still June 21,” the Devil assured me. “I told you, this is all off the time grid.”
I was still thinking. “Doug, Tina, is this really a better idea? This gets you and me off the hook, Doug, ONLY if your Father Fritz can do a better exorcism and actually get this guy out of here—no offense, Mr. Lucifer—“
“None taken,” he assured me.
“—But if this exorcism is a bunch of Catholic bunk, then Doug and I are still stuck where we were, with the addition of Tina’s soul, as well.”
“I tried,” said Tina. “I was hoping he’d void the other contract, then we could all refuse to sign.”
“Yeah, we figured that out,” I said. “All of us, including him.”
“Honey, if I have to be stuck for eternity anywhere, I want to be with you,” Doug said coaxingly. “It doesn’t matter to me where. Any eternity apart is hell just because we’re separated, right? And heaven just as long as we’re together?”
Tina looked unconvinced. “Are you saying we should all sign?”
“Well, yeah. The family that prays together—“
“This isn’t exactly praying together, Doug,” Tina pointed out. “Here’s what we have right now. It’s a sure thing that you’ve sold your soul to the Devil. And it’s a sure thing that I haven’t. This new contract puts us both in jeopardy, unless Father Fritz’s exorcism works.”
“So you don’t think Father Fritz’s exorcism will work?” I asked with interest.
“This is a private conversation,” Tina snapped. In a lower voice she went on, “Doug, I’d go with you anywhere, you know that, if it weren’t for the kids. One of us has to think of the kids.”
I said, “Tina, I hate to break it to you, but they haven’t reached the evil age yet. Just wait. If they’re like most kids, they’ll be up to all sorts of hell, with or without you to guide them.” I was enjoying myself. “There’s no need for such a sacrifice on your part. I think your place is at Doug’s side.”
Doug was nodding, and so was the Devil, but Tina was spitting mad. “How do you know?” she said. “Your kids can’t be that much older than ours.”
“They’re not. I happen to know this because I used to teach high school. Trust me, by high school, every other kid is a hell-bound babe. Well, maybe the honors kids aren’t, though a lot of them will end up rich, and then heaven help them.”
“Well, I’m not signing,” Tina insisted. “I’m in the Stephen Ministry. Hell just isn’t an option.”
Daemon Lucifer said soothingly, “If you don’t wish to sign, you don’t wish to sign. That’s not a problem. We can stay with the original contract, and just stay off the time grid until Doug and Danielle get their night of passion.”
“We told you, there is no way that’s ever going to happen!” Doug was getting upset again.
“Let’s just leave. We can rent a car and be back in Schaumburg in a couple of days,” Tina said.
The Devil said, “Wrong. You’re off the time grid. Businesses are closed. You could steal a car, I suppose, and drive it until it runs out of gas. Once you get home, you’ll sit there in an eternal 3 AM. Your kids will never wake up.”
“That’s just dirty and underhanded,” I said, looking on him with disfavor. “And don’t even think of winking at me.”
“Well,” the Devil said, “I have some business to take care of. I’ll let you three think over your options for awhile. I’ll be back. You’re still off the time grid.”
“Wait!” I said. “Doug gets to have Tina here. I don’t have anyone. I want my sister.” I checked my cell. It was just after 4 AM.
“I’ll just get a new contract written up,” the Devil said.
“Can’t you get her here first, then talk about it?” I asked. “You said you’d give us time to think about our options. Patty can help us with that. She negotiates contracts in her work.” I had no idea if that was true, but it sounded good.
“What does she do?”
“She’s in managed health care.”
“Fabulous!” said the Devil enthusiastically. “That’s one of my favorite types of businesses.”
“I’ll bet it is,” I said. From what Patty had told me before, it was a hellish place to work, with the focus always on saving money, not necessarily lives. “She loves it,” I lied.
“Let me get her for you,” said the Devil. “Do you think she’ll need as much time as Tina did? She kept me waiting for half an hour.”
Tina gave him an irritable look. “I was checking on the kids,” she said. “And I had to pack my diaper bag—“
“—full of holy water,” I added.
“—and shower and dress,” she finished. Sheesh. Was I glad I’d at least freshened up before she arrived.
“Patty would only want to throw some clothes on,” I guessed. “She should be quick.”
“I’ll say she’s quick,” Doug said. “Here she is!”
Chapter 6 – Brainstorming
“Pattycakes!” shouted Doug.
“Doogie!” shouted Patty. They swept each other up into a gleeful bear hug.
After more than 20 years, the first thing they did was revert back to their dumb nicknames. Tina was not impressed. So, of course, I was delighted. Truly, it was nice to see them get back together. Doug and Patty had been better friends than Doug and I had ever been.
When Doug dumped me, Patty was in high school. She was just blooming into a pretty, talented, confident young woman. She didn’t take crap from anyone, certainly not Doug, and he respected that. He had told me, the one time we’d talked after our breakup, that he missed his “little sis” Patty. Patty had a gift for keeping in touch with everyone who’d ever been part of her life, so my guess was that they stayed in loose contact, especially with the advent of emails and Facebook. I never did ask her, because I didn’t want to put her on the spot or make her choose her loyalties.
Still, I couldn’t help contrasting this greeting with the less than cordial one Doug and I had given each other at the start of this everlasting night. A spoiled romance nearly always ruins any hope of friendship. But I had to say, Doug had been here and back a couple times now, and each time, he’d returned in jeans and the signature tank top which he apparently still wore for showing off his muscles and chest hair. Guess he never got the memo that body hair for men had gone out of fashion, and that beer guts were best hidden in less stretchy shirts. But at least Patty hadn’t seen him in boxers and white teeshirt, clutching my bedspread and trying not to heave.
Patty embraced me next. “I remember the backstory, Dannie. Guess the clock hasn’t reset yet.”
“Patty, thank you,” I said, with tears in my eyes. �
�I’m so glad you’re here! Just don’t sign anything!”
“Gotcha, don’t worry. We will figure this out. We have to get Jill here somehow, too.” She turned to the Devil and said flirtatiously, “Hey, Mr. Blue Eyes. My sister didn’t tell me how good looking you are. What are you doing for the rest of this century?”
“Patty, no!” I said, shocked. “You’re playing with fire!”
The Devil grinned at her wickedly. Had I really considered his appearance so unprepossessing on first glance? Clearly, my judgment could not be trusted. I watched, fascinated, as his appearance morphed and he took on a younger, swashbuckling air. He actually was good looking. Really good looking, if you like the sinister type. I rubbed my eyes.
“Charmed to meet you, beautiful lady,” he said at his liveliest, executing a bow and raising her hand to his lips. “Daemon Lucifer at your service. Well, not immediately at your service, but I will be back in a short while. It pains me to leave you, but I have urgent business. I will leave you all to discuss this and decide how you want to proceed.” His eyes caressed Patty. ”We will talk later,” he promised. She blew a kiss to him.
He was gone. “Gag me,” said Patty candidly.
“Careful—that thought has probably already crossed his mind,” I said.
“You must be Tina,” Patty said, as Doug brought his wife over. “Good thing we’re both here. Gotta have cool heads in the room, right?”
“Especially with Satan gone for awhile,” agreed Tina.
“Oh, I don’t know, he seems all right. I’ll bet we can get him to be reasonable.”
“Patty, what can we do?” I asked. “Doug and I both signed something saying that for a night of passion, the Devil can have our souls.”
“Is that the wording?” Tina asked, looking accusingly at Doug.
“Honey, I signed something just so I could get home. I didn’t read it very carefully.”
“Well, you knew you were going to relive a night with me from way back when we were younger,” I reminded him.
Tina continued regarding Doug frostily. “Honey,” Doug pleaded, “it was the only way to get back home.”
The Devil and Danielle Webster Page 7
