Alec took a few limping steps toward me, “I’m sorry, but I thought that I was doing the right thing, that I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me?” I repeated in disbelief, “Protecting me from what?”
He shook his head and held out his hands, “From them... From the Tuatha De Danann and their filthy ways and dirty magic.”
“Seriously?” I asked, amazed that he would be sucked into ancient prejudices.
He nodded, “You have no idea what those creatures are capable of.”
My blood wanted to boil, I wanted to spit in his face and punished him for his ignorance, but I kept picturing the years he wasted working for next to nothing helping me and my grandmother out. I pushed my anger back down, doing my best to keep it from bubbling to the surface.
“I could say the same for your uncle,” I spat back. “You have no idea what he was capable of.”
“Meaning?”
“Did you know that your uncle shot me?”
“No, he wouldn’t do that.” Alec said as he shook his head, but even I could tell he wasn’t certain.
“He would and did,” I snapped. “If it wasn’t for Kieran using his ‘filthy ways’ and ‘dirty magic’ to heal me, I’d be dead. I’d be dead right now and it would be your uncle’s fault.”
Alec paled, “He said you wouldn’t get hurt. He promised me nothing would happen to you.”
“He lied.”
“Harmony, I –“ He stopped, took a deep breath and looked away. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how everything turned out and I’m sorry for my part in it.”
It was odd to hear such a common phrase applied to such an uncommon series of events. What was I supposed to say to that?
Alec didn’t wait for me to say anything. He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged, “Well, I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry. I’m glad I got the chance before you left.”
“Before I left? I’m not going anywhere.”
He glanced up at me, his eyebrows going up in surprise. “I’m sorry; I just thought that he would’ve taken you with him. I mean, I know they left, I just thought you’d be leaving to go with them.”
Hot pain shot through me. Kirin wanted me to go with him, but I refused, wanting more time to sort things out. Of course, there was no way for Alec to know that I was that much of a fool.
“My life is here,” I said simply, sparing him the rest of the details.
Alec nodded as if he understood which of course was impossible.
“Well, I’m glad you’re okay,” he said. “And again, I’m sorry for everything.”
He turned to leave and it hit me then how very alone I was. My grandmother was dead, as was every other member of my family; Kieran was God knows where, and now Alec was walking away from me to. I was really going to be on my own now. What was I supposed to do?
“Wait!” I called out before I could stop myself.
He paused; hand on the doorknob, looking back at me in confusion. “What?”
I bit my lip and shifted from one foot to the other.
What am I doing? I should be hating him...
Taking a deep breath, I said the first thing that came to mind.
“Are you coming back to work tomorrow?”
At first he said nothing, he just looked at me as if I’d lost my mind, but then slowly a smile crept over his face and he looked almost like his old self.
“Sure,” he said and then turned and walked out the door.
Chapter 4
The boredom of normalcy hung over me the rest of the day. I felt detached, separated and caught between what my life was and what it could have been. What was I supposed to do now?
When customers came into the store, I could feel them staring at me with odd questioning looks. It seemed that everyone could sense that something happened to me, but they all seemed unsure of exactly what it was.
Stop staring at me...Do I come and stare at all of you when your lives fall apart...
Of course I should have known Mrs. Allen would somehow know the truth and wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to rub my nose in it.
“So,” she said with a condescending smile. “Did you notice that all the gypsies left?”
I could almost see the light bulbs appear over the other customers’ heads as they made the connection. They all turned and looked at me again. Their expressions quickly changing to looks of pity as they did.
I turned away from the many pairs of sympathetic eyes and walked back to the counter.
Just keep breathing...One foot in front of the other...Just keep breathing...
“Of course I noticed,” I said as casually as possible while shuffling receipts as if I was too busy to care.
“Well, good riddance I say,” Mrs. Allen said as she followed me. “Oh, I’m sorry Harmony.”
I could hear the fake sincerity in her voice; it was just like poison dripping from her tongue.
“Why are you apologizing to me?” I snapped as I pulled out the sale sheets. I didn’t look up, afraid that if I saw her gloating expression that I would slap her face.
“Well,” she said as she leaned up against the counter. “I know there was some sort of thing between you and the magician, and I hate that for you, but we’re all better off now that they’ve moved on.”
I did my best to stay calm; focusing on writing out a delivery order, but the page grew blurry as my eyes filled with unshed tears.
I will not cry... I will not cry...
“Are you okay dear?” She asked in a syrupy sweet voice.
The vision of me stabbing her in the eye with my pen crossed my mind, but I pushed the idea aside.
“I’m fine,” I choked out.
“She’d be fine if all the busybodies would shut the hell up,” a gravelly voice barked from the front of the store.
I looked up just as the crowd parted so that Alec’s grandfather could make his way up to the counter.
Oh my God...Oh my God...
I didn’t want to see him! How could I face him? The poor old man thought his son and grandsons were laying low on their way back to Ireland, but I knew the truth. Because of me they were dead and gone, their bodies hidden or buried where no one would ever find them. How could I look him in the eye and pretend none of it happened?
He stepped up to the counter, eying Mrs. Allen harshly until she backed away, and then he turned those icy blue eyes back on me.
“You have my duck feed?” He asked with a soft smile
“S-S-Sure,” I stammered. I could feel my legs trembling as I stepped away into the back to get his feed.
Please don’t hate me...Please don’t hate me...
Out of everyone’s sight, I clutched at the shelf and gasped for air. He had the sense it... In some way he had to know that they were dead and that I was responsible.
I wished I could just slip out the back door and go back home. I wished I could just hide under my bed covers and wait for all of this to go away, but I was stuck in the world of adult responsibility. All that could do was grab the little bag of feed, force a smile on my face, and go back out there.
My hand shook as I handed him the back, “Just like grandma used to make it.”
He tried to hand me his money, but I waved it away. How could I take his money after what I did to his family?
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, hoping he would just take the bag and leave.
He reached over and patted my hand, “Things will be fine now. You know, back to normal like they should be.”
I bit my lip, knowing he would hate me forever if he knew the truth. I could just look back at him stupidly as he turned to go.
Please don’t hate me...Please don’t hate me...
Mrs. Allen watched him leave and then turned back to me, “You know seen him makes me wonder, where is Alec? Shouldn’t he be here?”
“He’ll be back tomorrow,” I snapped, fed up with her smug attitude. “You know if you’re not going to buy anything, I
have work to do.”
I loved watching the way that her face reddened. She spun around and pushed her way through the crowd and out the door. She stormed off, back to her own store without looking back.
A ripple of muffled laughter barely disguised as coughs spread through the store.
“How does she ever stay in business?” One of the old farmers asked, “Every time I see her, she’s visiting in one of the other shops.”
“I know,” another one said. “I dropped the wife of yesterday afternoon to get her hair done and I’ll be damned if that Mrs. Allen wasn’t in there just chatting away.”
Another farmer stepped up, “A couple nights ago I overheard her at the diner talking about how she hasn’t turned a profit over at her store in almost two months. Can you believe that?”
“Well,” the first farmer said. “Maybe if she would try staying in her own shop and stopped gallivanting around.”
Now that the conversation moved on to Mrs. Allen poor business practices, I could breathe a little easier. I was even able to pretend to still be interested when the talk shifted to the upcoming harvest.
It was a steady flow of customers for the rest of the day. For once, I was thankful to be busy. It saved me from having time to think, and the last thing I wanted to do was think.
By the time I closed store for the day, I was exhausted and the soreness of my shoulder had settled into a throbbing ache. The pain made me wonder how long it would take for it to heal completely and what my x-rays must look like now. I pictured it as looking like a window after being shot at with a pellet gun.
I locked up, smelling the evening air as I walked home. The sun scorched leaves burned my nose. Even though it was still miserable hot, that smell and the longer deeper evening shadows proved that the seasons had indeed changed.
It was depressing to know the summer was over. It was the best and worst summer of my life, and it was just gone. How was I supposed to get over it all?
I stopped at the mailbox again, but there were no letters, only more bills to deal with. When would Kieran write? Would I ever hear from him again?
I went on to the house that I had shared with my grandmother. Once inside, the rooms were still and quiet other than the constant hum of the air conditioner. Standing there in the dim silence, the emptiness seemed huge, like if I were to speak that the sound of my voice would echo through the vacant rooms.
My life is here... And this is it...This is all there is...
I went on up the stairs. Why not? There was no one to talk to and no one to fuss at me for going on up to bed without eating supper first. One good thing about being alone, no one was there to tell you when you broke the rules.
I kicked off my shoes and crawled into my bed. I reached over and picked up Kieran’s letter, picking at the scab of my broken heart, and read it again.
Harmony,
I cannot imagine anything more difficult than leaving you behind. It was everything I could do not to carry you off while you slept, but I shall respect your wishes...For now.
Downstairs, on your kitchen table, I have left enough money for you to pay your debts.
Megan was right; everyone deserves happiness...Even if I have to wait for it. I will come back for you and when I do, I won’t take no for an answer.
All my love,
Kieran
At that moment, tired, aching all over, and all alone, I wish the Kieran would hurry back and save me from myself.
Chapter 5
I knew it was there, I could feel the pain lurking in the darkness. It was never really that far away, but it was always worse at night and it was always waiting there to pounce soon as I let my guard down.
Sometimes it was just a dream that would bring it back, like the horror of watching myself turn to ash and blow away like I was nothing. Sometimes that was all it took to remind me that I could just fade away before Kieran ever had the chance to come for me.
Then there were other times when it didn’t take anything that dramatic for the pain to show itself. Sometimes it was as simple as thinking I saw Kieran’s green eyes looking out at me from the darkness. That would usually happen in those brief seconds between waking and sleeping, just before morning, when I was still groggy enough to believe that anything was possible and would make the mistake of letting down my guard.
When my mind was clear enough, I could see that it was just the drawer pulls on my dresser or the reflection in my mirror of the something outside, I would feel the disappointment shoot through my very soul like an arrow and then there would be the pain, ready to settle in my chest and kill me from the inside out.
There was nothing that I could do to protect myself from it. I would curl up in a ball under the sheets, making my body as small and tight as possible, as if that would somehow contain the agony.
Worse still were the nights like tonight when I just knew that any sleep would be hard earned. Stretching out in bed feeling the physical ache in my shoulder and trying not to think about the emotional agony waiting for me.
I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for the purple shadows of the evening to give way to the ebony shadows night. I tried to empty my mind, to not think about anything at all, but my thoughts always turn Kieran.
Despite myself, my mind went back to the way my heart would pound when he looked at me with those green eyes, or the way his black hair fell over his forehead, the sound of his voice when he spoke my name in that musical accent of his, and most of all when we kissed...
Stop it... I’m not doing this tonight...
No matter how hard I tried, sooner or later I would lose myself in the memory of my time with Kieran. It might be the night he caught me when I fell from the ladder, or when he saved me from the jerk that tried to hold up my feed store, or even the night when we skinny dipped out at old man Macready’s farm and Kieran made the butterflies appear.
Magic...
Even though I tried not to, I thumbed through my memories leading up to the most precious of all... The night I shared my bed with Kieran.
I went over every detail, the way his lips felt on my naked skin, his voice in my ear, and the taste of his flesh on my tongue.
Within minutes my memories were so strong that I could almost feel him next to me and if I closed my eyes, I could almost feel the hairiness of his leg brushed up against mine.
I opened my eyes and lay there, still feeling the heat of his skin touching mine. But that was impossible right?
The darkness made it seem possible, made it seemed so real that I had to turn on my bedside lamp to check. It was impossible, but what if...
Of course he wasn’t there. He never was. The only thing next to me was the cool pillow, just like every other night.
I rolled over and tried to go to sleep. When sleep still didn’t come, I turned on the light so I could stare out my bedroom window and into the dark night.
Oh Kieran...Where are you?
Chapter 6
It should’ve bothered me how quickly my life went back to a resemblance normal. If I was paying attention, it might have worried me, but as it was I was just trying to exist.
Somehow, without me even noticing, my life became a constant of predictability. Every day was the same. I woke up in the morning and I went to sleep at night. Anytime in between those two things was spent just trying to survive the loneliness.
I wasn’t aware of anything, not the passage of time and not the change of the seasons. All of a sudden I blinked and leaves were gone from the trees and there was a chill in the air. When did that happen?
I turned from the window as Alec limped in from the back room with a stack of ten pound bags of birdseed in his arms. He stepped around me and set them down in the corner near the corn and sunflower seed.
“So what are your plans for tomorrow?” He asked as he straightened and rubbed the small of his back.
I shrugged at him and looked back out at the gloomy day, “I guess just working why?”
“A
re you serious?” He asked in a weird patient sort of voice. “It’s Thanksgiving tomorrow.”
That can’t be right...
I looked up on the calendar on the wall, but the page was still turned to September.
That’s not right either... Halloween was just what... Two or three weeks ago...
Flipping through the pages of the calendar, I looked at the one for November. That would mean that tomorrow would be... Thanksgiving.
That’s not good... A person is not supposed to lose time like that...How could I lose track of an entire month?
I felt like I was losing my mind. Normal people were aware of the changing seasons and had a general idea of what month it was. I tried not to let it show how badly I was shaken by the realization.
“I guess I’m doing nothing then,” I said as calmly as possible.
Keep it together...Don’t act like a crazy person...It was just a slip...I have to do better that’s all...
He looked at me with that sympathetic look people gave to those they pitied. If it was anyone else, it would’ve angered me, but since it was Alec I just wish he’d look away. It was that same look people used when they saw a crying child or an old dog, like he wanted to do something, but didn’t know what.
Alec shook his head, “I hate to think about you alone.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said as I pretended to thumb through the receipt book. I did everything I could not to look up. I didn’t want to look at him and see that expression again.
“Don’t be silly,” he said as he limped over to me. “I owe at least that much to your grandmother after all she did for me. She was the only person willing to give me a job after the accident. How can I let you starve?”
“I’m not starving.”
“When was last time you had a decent meal?”
With him standing so close, it was harder not to look directly at him. I shrugged and shifted a little more to the left, “I eat at the diner a few times a week.”
“Not good enough,” he said with a laugh. He moved again so there was no way that I could avoid looking directly at him. “I’ll come by and get you around eleven tomorrow and you can have dinner with me and my grandpa.”
Far Away (Gypsy Fairy Tale Book Two) Page 2
