by Mia Kayla
"I think I should go with you to California." Concern escaped from his tone.
"We've discussed this already. I'm going to be okay."
He huffed loudly. "It's not a matter of you being okay. I know you'll be okay. I want to be there. And honestly...why do you even have to go at all? You have your family. We're right here."
When we were at the bottom of the double staircase, I turned to him and met his eyes, the same chestnut brown eyes that Em now had.
My eyes softened. "I'll be okay. I promise you." I playfully tugged his hand. "This is just something I have to do."
His brow furrowed as he studied me, not convinced one bit. Silence stretched between us. I knew he was worried about me, but he didn't need to be.
"Baba. Now."
We turned to the baby, who had just broken up the tension, and both started to laugh.
Both dimples appeared on my husband's face. "Yes, princess. Your wish is my command."
I wrung my hands together as nervous butterflies stirred in the pit of my stomach. The drive from the LAX airport to Azusa was about thirty minutes. Every few minutes, my eyes would flicker to the clock on the Limo driver's dashboard. I reached into the bottom of my purse and squeezed the small slip of paper. It was the address Kendy, my best friend, had told me my mother had moved to.
How long had it been since I'd last seen my mother? It must’ve been a couple of years at least. The last time that I ever had interaction with Jamie was speaking to her right after her boyfriend had kidnapped me. I could still feel the metal of his gun pressed against my head.
What was I doing? I didn't have to see her. God knows I didn't owe her a damn thing. I'd written her out of my life just like she'd written me out of hers. Maybe this was a bad idea. I chewed on my bottom lip, fidgeting in my seat as we exited the freeway. I stared out the window, watching the cars pass us by.
No, coming here had been the right decision. Something inside me wasn't settled. It was time to get through this.
Though I didn't know if I was going to give her a piece of my mind or just see if she was okay. What she’d done to me was still a mystery. I could never ever do to Em what my mother had done to me. Being a mother now, I couldn't fathom ever hurting her. Emily was a part of me. Hurting her would be like hurting myself.
The limo stopped and parked in a small suburban strip mall.
"We're here." The driver pointed out the window to a yellow neon sign that said, 'Azusa Salon and Spa’.
My jaw locked as I fingered my necklace and stared at the sign. Who knew how long she had worked here?
I closed my eyes and breathed slowly through my nose, exhaling deeply through my mouth. "I just need a minute." I didn't know if I was talking to the driver or to myself.
After a beat, I opened the door and stepped out. I had dressed casually in a short sleeved white polo and jeans. The California sun beating warmly on my face only intensified the sweat on my brow. In a slow and even pace, I strolled toward my destination. My feet padded up the couple of steps leading toward the entrance of the spa. With each step forward, anxiety rose within me and my pulse increased.
When I was in front of the door, I placed a hand on the handle and froze. I shook my head. Kent was right. I already had a family. I didn't need to resurrect dead relationships.
I was about to turn and chicken out when the door flew open, almost hitting me in the face.
"I'm sorry. I almost knocked your teeth out." The older lady stepped aside, letting me pass. "You coming in?" Her question caught me off guard.
"Yes," I croaked out.
I stepped inside to the buzz of music mixed with women chatting away. No one noticed my arrival as I took in the surroundings. The spa was one large area. The tiles and walls were painted a bright yellow. It felt very sixties. Nail chairs were backed against the far wall, outlining some of the room, while salon chairs were scattered throughout the rest of the area. Most of the salon's clientele were older women.
I glanced around for a familiar bottle blonde. There were ten women working behind the chairs, but the only blonde one was platinum blonde, and it wasn't Jamie.
Then my eyes found her, and my stomach dropped to the floor. For a long while, I held my breath as I took her in. Her hair was no longer blonde but a caramel brown, her natural color. The very color of my hair and Em's.
I rubbed the heel of my palm against my chest as a sudden sadness washed over me. Though she had wronged me in so many ways—too many ways to count—I still longed for a mother-daughter relationship. One that Kendy had with her mom, or the kind of relationships that I witnessed my other friends having. Then Em would have two grandmas in her life and not just one.
"Do you have an appointment?" A short woman no more than five feet tall stepped in front of the high desk. She flipped open her book and held a pen in her hand, expectantly waiting for my response.
"Uh..." My words locked in my throat as strong emotions ran through me. "I'm sort of looking for someone."
"Oh, you here for someone?" She crooked an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I'm here to see Jamie."
When the woman called out my mother's name, Jamie turned. Then her smile slowly left her face as she stilled. The color drained from her cheeks. It was as though she thought she was seeing a ghost.
Strangely, her reaction eased the butterflies in my stomach. I could tell she was equally nervous.
"This young lady is here to see you."
After a beat, she whispered something into her co-worker's ear and slowly walked toward me.
She wrung her hands in front of her. A nervous habit I must’ve inherited.
"Hey," she said. Her voice quivered with emotion. She met my eyes, then dropped them to the yellow tile floor. "I thought I'd never see you again."
"Yeah." I still had no speech prepared. I paused, searching for my next words. "I was just wondering if maybe we can chat for a minute." If I thought seeing her and talking to her about old times would cure this ache, then I was dead wrong.
"Sure.” She fidgeted and bit her lip, averting her eyes from mine. “Francis said she'd take over my dye job."
"It's okay. I can wait."
"No." Her response was automatic and it made me jump. "I mean... I haven't seen you in a while."
"Okay." My voice sounded soft to my own ears, fragile.
She shuffled back to her salon chair, grabbed her purse and headed my way. I pushed open the door to let her pass.
"Where should we go?" I asked, averting my gaze from her face.
"There's a diner a few stalls down in this strip mall. Wanna just head there?"
"Sure." I focused on anything but her. My fingers twitched at my sides. Fidgety and jumpy, my whole body felt like a wild wire.
We walked in silence, almost in step. There was no mistaking that I was Jamie's daughter—from the color in our hair to our height and stature. Our similarities only intensified that ache in my chest.
When we stepped into the diner and we were seated in a booth, Jamie broke the silence. "You look good, Beth." She toyed with the edge of the napkin in her hands as her eyes darted to my face. "It's great to see you."
"Thanks." My fingers gripped the edge of the menu as though it was my life jacket in an endless ocean. I peered up at her and gave her a small smile. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask her so many things. How she'd been the last few years, if she still talked to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend who was still in jail, or why she ever left me in the first place, and used me time and time again. But I didn't.
Suddenly, I was feeling defeated. I didn't know why I had flown all the way from Chicago to California, but I knew it wasn't to start a fight.
"I guess you must be wondering why I'm here." I let out a slow breath as I squeezed the edge of the menu. "I don't even know myself—"
She raised a hand, stopping me mid-sentence. "Beth, before you continue, I want to say.” She took a deep breath. “That I'm sorry." She spoke in a hoarse broken whisper and her f
ingers nervously toyed with her earring. "I mean, I say I'm sorry a lot and I can understand if you never forgive me." Her look turned distant, as though she was thinking of the next thing to say. "After all that I put you through....and what happened with Jesse. Shit, I can't even forgive myself." The skin bunched around her eyes in a pained stare. "These past few years, I've been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating things. I knew I had to get my stuff together, so I went back to school for hair and have really turned things around for myself." She let out a low laugh. "I've even cut out men. They've only ever complicated my life." Her hands shook as she stared deeply into my eyes. "But, yeah...I'm sorry. I'm not expecting you to forgive me anytime soon, or ever, but yeah..."
The tension in my whole body relaxed, and I nodded. I hadn’t realized how much I had needed this, for her to say sorry and mean it.
My gaze unfocused, and I rubbed my fist against my heart. I smiled, my first genuine smile since I stepped off the airplane. "I'm happy you got your life back together."
"It took me a while."
"Yeah, but the only thing that matters is that you're here now."
When the waitress approached, we placed our orders. An uncomfortable silence filled the air. I wondered if it would always be like this between us.
My stomach stirred, feeling unsettled. The last thing on my mind was food.
"How are you doing?" she asked, leaning back in her chair.
"Good. I left the bank and am working at a new company." I had issues saying my husband's company because that would suggest that the Controller position at Plack Industries was a job that was handed to me. "And I'm married now."
"Did you marry that guy I met in your apartment?" A thoughtful smile curved her lips.
I nodded. "Yeah. He's the one." The last time I had seen Jamie, Kent had nearly physically thrown them out of my apartment. It was a volatile situation, and to this day, Kent did not like my mother, but it wasn't like I could blame him. "So you're really not dating anyone?"
"No. There is this one guy..." She started to laugh. She seemed happy, changed even. "You'll never guess. He's a pastor at this local church I go to."
My eyebrows raised to the ceiling. "You go to church?" The shock of this discovery hit me full force.
"Yeah.” She brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle a laugh. “I guess I needed divine intervention to turn my life around."
"I guess so." My eyes took in my biological mother. Her physical appearance had changed since the last time I’d seen her, but I was glad her changes went above that.
"Well, he's never been married and he kept inviting me to bible study. I'd been going for over a year, three times a week, to study the bible with a group of five people. I thought he just wanted to convert me, but then, just last week, he asked me out." Her eyes sparkled like a little kid opening a present.
I leaned in, my elbows at the edge of the table. "What did you tell him?"
"I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship."
"And?"
"And he said, he'd pray about it—that one day I'd be ready."
I silently took that in. "So you like him?" She deserved happiness. The kind of happiness that I had. She also deserved a good guy, one that would treat her right. For as long as I can remember, she only dated jerks that took advantage of her.
"I do, but I think I'm not done with my soul searching yet. I can't depend on anybody else for my happiness anymore."
Goodness, who was this lady in front of me? I surprised myself when I crossed the physical boundary and placed my hand on top of hers. "I'm proud of you."
Her eyes locked with mine, glazing over with unshed tears. "Thanks, Beth. You have no idea how much that means to me. I've always been proud of you, and for you to be proud of me means so much." A tear escaped her eyes. "It’s like I've made a huge stride toward accomplishing my goals. One of which was to make amends with people I've hurt."
I grabbed a tissue from my purse and gave it to her as I swallowed back tears myself.
The waitress approached and dropped our meals. "Do you guys need anything else?"
"No, thank you," I said.
Jamie blotted her cheeks with the tissue. "No sad tears today. These are happy tears."
"Happy tears are good." My face creased with a sudden smile. The tension that I’d been feeling in my stomach all these weeks, eased up.
While we chowed down our food, we talked about the 'now' and not the past. Where she lived and what she did in her free time. We chatted about her new friends, those at the salon and at church. She asked me about Kendy and my Aunt back in Bowesville, and by the time we were done chatting, I had cleared my plate.
My jaw tightened as I knew that our time was almost up, so I reached into my purse and with a shaky hand I pulled out a picture of Em. My chest expanded as I placed the picture of my angel on the table.
Her eyes darted between mine and the picture. She reached for the photo and brought it closer to her face.
"I became a mom almost two years ago." My voice quivered, and I swallowed, pushing down the sentimental feeling before I lost it in front of her.
Jamie's eyes focused intently on the picture as though she was committing Em to memory. "She's beautiful." More tears coursed down her face.
"She is and she's such a good baby. Bossy but so sweet." My breathing slowed as I recalled the memory of her bossiness with her father and the sweetness of her charm when she wanted to get her way. She was a tough one to say ‘no’ to.
Joy bubbled through Jamie’s smile and shone in her eyes. "Tell me more."
I laughed. "Well, we call her 'the boss' because she is. She’s spoiled rotten, mostly by Kent's parents. Maybe I'm biased, but seriously she could model for Gap. She has the biggest eyes, beautiful natural curls, and two dimples on her cheeks." My smile widened as I gushed about my pride and joy.
"She sounds amazing." Jamie brushed her pointer finger against Em's picture. "And I know you're the greatest mom."
Honesty poured out of me. "It's hard to balance, but I do the best I can. Being a mom has been the hardest job I've ever had, but it is definitely the most rewarding."
"She looks just like you, when you were younger."
"You think?"
"Yeah. Even down to the curls. Your hair was curly when you were younger, but when you got older it straightened out."
I tilted my head and pulled my hair over my shoulder. "I had no idea."
Jamie gulped. "I'd love to meet her."
I'd never even imagined that Jamie would be in Emily's life, and my shoulders tightened at the thought.
Too soon. It was all too much. I opened my mouth to speak, but shut it in the next second. I didn’t know what to say without hurting her feelings. "I don't know if I'm ready for that."
When her facial features dropped, I quickly added, "I'm sorry, but I have to be honest." The mama bear in me pushed to the surface. I couldn't have Emily get attached to Jamie when Jamie was just starting to get her life together. What if she just upped and left, like she'd done a million times before? I'd protect Emily until my heart stopped beating.
She dropped her eyes to the photo. "I understand. I've put you through hell and back." In the next second, she lifted her head. A slew of emotions passed over her features like a deck of cards. Sadness and regret filled her eyes, but then she straightened in her seat. "But I'll prove it to you, Beth. I'll show you I'm a changed woman. I'm not even going to promise this time, because actions will speak louder than any promise I make you." Her eyes held such hope.
I nodded because, for the first time in a very long time, I believed her. "Okay."
The waitress dropped the check, and my mother surprised me by picking it up. "I've got it."
"You don't have to do that." I tried to reach for the bill, but she jerked it away.
"I want to."
After she paid and we stood, I walked her back to the salon. Her eyes crinkled with a contentment that filled my insides with joy. "Thank yo
u. For coming today."
I exhaled a long sigh of relief, stepping closer and opening my arms to let her in.
Her arms wrapped around me tightly in a warm embrace, and we held each other in silence. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had this much physical contact.
Her whole body relaxed into me as she released a long sigh, and I blinked back tears, looking toward the clear blue sky to prevent them from spilling over.
My jaw clenched as I tried to keep it together. "I'm so happy I came to see you," I whispered.
Her lips pressed against my forehead. "I feel like... like this is my real second chance. Nana did such a great job with you."
I nodded against her chest, and her eyes brightened as she released me.
I reached into my purse and pulled out my card. "Email me or call me."
"Beth, I'd like that. Thank you." She cupped the side of my face, and I smiled as I looked into eyes so similar to mine.
When she walked back into her place of employment, my arms wrapped around my middle. Our meeting had been short, yet it had been the most satisfying time I'd ever experienced with my mother.
Suddenly, my breathing slowed as a memory pushed to the surface. I must have been no more than six and could still smell the scent of newly mowed grass. I had fallen off my bike and was crying because I’d scraped my knee. She had carried me into the house and kissed the band-aid she had placed over my injury. "Boo boo gone," she had said.
A loneliness hit me. Fresh tears pricked my eyes. I realized I had built a wall up with my mother and trained myself not to show vulnerability in her presence. Now by myself, I could no longer hold it together. I reached into my purse for my phone. When my fingers felt the cold metal, I lifted my head to see a tall, broad silhouette against the sunlight. I cupped my free hand above my head to see someone walking toward me.
There was a familiarity in the shadow approaching. For a moment, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, seeing what I longed to see.
Kent?
At first I thought I was dreaming, but the closer he came, I knew I wasn't.
Emily was anchored on his hip, and a flood of sensation washed over me as I rushed toward them.
