He strode through the water, putting his hand on her stomach. “Really?”
She put her hand on top of his and whispered. “Yes, it's just like they say in the books. Like bubbles or butterflies.”
They stood like that for a moment until Lee said, “I'm glad you were here for it”.
His eyes glistened and then he hugged her, holding her tightly against his wet body. “Me too.”
Chapter Nineteen
Lee collapsed on a blanket at Ellen's swimming hole, the river water beading on her sun-screened skin. She squeezed water from her hair, at her shoulders now, and perched her sunhat over her face, closing her eyes. She smiled hearing the sound of Alder's body hitting the water as he jumped from a rock and then the splash of his arms and legs swimming through the water. He called out to the yellow Labrador puppy playing at the shore. “Sunshine, come here girl.”
Ellen brought Adler and Sunshine to the river every afternoon while Lee and Annie worked. Watching Ellen and Alder interact over the last several months, Lee couldn't help but fill with sadness, thinking of the mother Ellen must have been and the unspeakable tragedy of her loss.
The mid-summer air was hot and dry. The sun's rays felt as if they were healing some broken part of her as she lay there, thinking of nothing, swatting the air to thwart a buzzing dragonfly from resting on her hat. Down closer to the river were Ellen and Annie, their feet in the water, chatting amiably together; a rare day off for them all, after two months of intense focus on the building and planning of Riversong. The restaurant would open in five weeks. Four weeks had gone by since she first felt the flutter of her baby and in that time her stomach seemed to have doubled in size. Annie called it “the pop”. It had popped alright, she thought. She wondered if it would ever pop back in?
She heard the crunch of rocks, lifted her hat and saw four feet, two with white socks and tennis shoes, and two brown feet in Tevas. She removed her hat to see Tommy's face peering down at her. She knew at once he was agitated because he was rubbing the scar on his cheek.
He plopped next to her and caressed the side of her arm with his finger. “I hope you have sunscreen on.”
“Twice now.” She sat up. Her stomach practically reached her knees, she thought, wishing she'd worn a t-shirt instead of the maternity swimming suit that left nothing to the imagination. She shielded the sun with her hand. “Thought you had rehearsal?”
“Cancelled.” Tommy took off his shirt and Lee resisted the urge to touch his lean, hairless stomach.
She sat up and reached for her sunglasses as he lay beside her, turning on his side and resting his head in the palm of his hand. She thought of his music, how sad some of the songs were and how his rich voice could make her want to weep.
“You remember the twitchy guy,” said Tommy. “Zac's buddy?”
Lee watched Alder and Sunshine try to capture a minnow from the school that swam together in the sandy shallow water along the river's edge. “How could I forget?”
“They found him and Deana dead in her trailer last night. Stabbed to death. Rumor is, tweekers gone crazy fighting over drugs.” He sat up and moved closer to her, arms around his knees. She felt the heat radiating from his skin but her lips had gone numb.
“Do they think Zac was involved?” she said.
“No way to know for sure except to say he supplied the drugs at some point. I saw him stumble out of the Squeaky Wheel just now, barely recognized him. Skinny, like he's sampling the wares.” He spoke in almost a whisper. “I don't want you at the restaurant alone. If he's taking that crap, I don't trust him not to go crazy.”
“Annie's there with me most of the time.”
“I'm picking you guys up when you work late and you're staying nights with me.”
“Like I don't already?” For weeks now, she stayed with him almost every night in a false domesticity. They ate together, slept together and stayed up late into the night talking. Last week she allowed him to take her to the monthly pregnancy check-up but made him wait in the lobby. Sometimes she felt that her old life was a dream and this new one with Tommy, her growing stomach and the building of Riversong was the real one. Since the evening of Annie's dinner party she and Tommy formed an unplanned silent agreement to leave the subject of the future, in particular their future, alone. It was there anyway, under the surface of conversations and in the look of longing on Tommy's face when he didn't know she watched him and especially in the desperate way they made love like it could be their last time, each time.
“Zac shows up at the restaurant, I want you to call me immediately,” said Tommy.
“He hasn't shown since the day he threatened me.” She glanced around at the others. Verle sat next to Annie, a sandwich in his hand as Ellen dug in the ice chest.
“Maybe I should pay him a visit, make sure he knows to stay away.”
“Are you out of your mind? Do you know how dangerous he is?”
“As a matter of fact, I do, and I'm not afraid of him. Should I tell you some of the details of my youth?” He sat up and rubbed his scar, with the same injured look he had when he talked about his brother.
“Regardless, Mike wants him at the restaurant.” She picked up a smooth pebble from the sand next to the blanket and rubbed it with her thumb.
“Mike needs a reality check.”
“Tommy, Mike's the owner. If he wants Zac there, I have to let him.”
He sat up and kicked the sand with his foot. “I do not want him anywhere near you, do you understand?”
“How am I supposed to stop him?”
“Dammit, Lee, that's the point.”
“You can't protect me from everything, even if you wanted to.”
He went still and studied her. “What else do you need protection from?”
“It's just an expression.” She leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder, brushing sand off her legs. “Let's not fight when I feel like a cow.”
He appeared to want to say something more, but instead ran a sandy hand through his hair, the gray bits sticking between his shiny black strands. He rested his other hand on the roundness of her stomach. “It's starting to look like a big basketball. Come swim with me. The water will make you feel light.”
He stood and pulled her next to him. She followed him into the water, the sand soft on the bottoms of her toes. They waded to their waists and when he drew her to him, she wrapped her arms around his neck. They floated together, drifting on the surface, the cool water lapping alongside them. “I love this river,” she said to Tommy, putting her lips on his warm neck. “You know that?”
“I do.” He kissed the side of her face and brought her closer to him.
With Tommy and the river water next to her skin, she surprised herself by thinking how good life would be if it were just the threat of Zac that worried her. As she rested her head on Tommy's shoulder and absorbed heat from his brown skin, it was the danger of DeAngelo that lurked alongside this tranquility, like an illness in remission, affecting everything with its subtle dread.
The next afternoon Tommy convinced her to take a much needed nap at his house. She awakened to paint fumes and found Tommy in his spare bedroom painting a crib, headphones from his IPOD in his ears, humming along with the music. She stood in the doorway, watching his strong hand brushing the white paint on the slats of unfinished wood. After a few moments, she turned from the doorway and walked to the bathroom. She turned on the water and sat on the shower floor, face in her hands, weeping without making a sound.
The next day, a Monday, in a moment of uncertainty about the restaurant, and a pang of nostalgia for Linus, she bought a disposable phone and texted her friend. “I've been fine. Miss you. Call if safe.” She received no response the rest of Monday and regretted sending it, wondering if it jeopardized her safety, if by some chance Von had intercepted it and traced it to her. All that night she lay awake next to Tommy, sweating and fretting that Von might show up at any moment. The next morning she sat across from Tommy at hi
s breakfast table picking at a cheese omelet. She felt him observing her in the way he did, intuiting something was amiss. “You tired this morning?”
“I didn't sleep well.”
“Something bothering you?”
“No, just anxious about the restaurant.”
He looked at her and she read on his face a mixture of disappointment and frustration. He put down his spoon and folded his napkin. “How long will this go on?”
“What do you mean?”
“This thing where you don't tell me the truth. How we avoid talking about the future, or the baby or us?”
She rubbed her eyes and sighed. “Do we have to do this now?”
“If not now, when?”
She moved pieces of omelet around her plate and thought about DeAngelo and how she endangered Tommy with every moment she chose to stay with him. She was able to cajole herself into a false security when she was with him, like they were just an ordinary couple instead of the truth, which was too horrifying to face. “I'm working some things out. I need more time.”
He picked up his butter knife and rubbed his finger along its shiny surface. “Do you want to be here, with me?”
She reached across the table and squeezed his forearm. “Isn't that obvious?”
On Tuesday, Linus appeared on her doorstep in the middle of the morning, wearing a tan linen suit with a light blue shirt, no tie and a floppy straw hat. He draped across the opening of her front door. “Any rooms to rent?”
She threw her arms around him. “How did you find me without directions?”
“The address. GPS took me right here.”
“That's bad.”
“Only if he figures out where you are. Which he won't.”
“Have you seen him?”
“Not for awhile.”
“How do you know he didn't follow you here?”
“Impossible. I've been in Chicago, visiting Will's mother.”
“Chicago? Will's mother? What made you do that?”
“Just felt the urge to see her suddenly. When I left Seattle I got on a bus six blocks from my apartment that took me north to Greenlake, another bus west to Ballard, another bus back downtown and finally an express bus that took me over the lake to Bellevue where I walked five blocks to the mall, hung out in Nordstroms for an hour, and finally hailed a cab to Boeing Field where my rich friend Jake flew me to Medford on his private plane. No one followed me.”
“Are you sure?”
“I promise, my little worry wart.” He backed away and looked at her stomach. He paled. “Lee?”
Her eyes filled. “Yes.”
He rested on the doorframe, appearing as if he might faint. “Did Dan know?”
“No. I found out after he died.”
“How come you didn't tell me?”
“I didn't think I was going to go through with it.”
He took a tissue from his pocket and wiped his forehead. “What changed your mind?”
She looked at the floor, blushing and feeling tears prick her eyes. “I had a spiritual moment after an incident with a bear.”
He smiled wanly and took off his hat, fanning himself. “A bear? I'm going to need a drink.”
“Come on in. I have some beer in the fridge. What got into you, coming all this way?”
“I haven't had a vacation in three years.”
“Ever heard of Hawaii?”
“Hawaii doesn't have you in it.”
Later that day Linus perched on a chair by the remodeled windows of Riversong, and took off his reading glasses. “Opening a restaurant. Didn't see this coming.”
“Yeah, well, desperate times, you know?”
“The esthetic of the place is fabulous. I couldn't have done it better myself.” He looked around the dining area. The floors were refinished and stained a rich dark brown. The walls were the color of the skin of green pears and the baseboards and bar matched the floors. Hanging fixtures dangled over each of the nineteen small tables and radiated soft yellow light. In addition to the tables, there were six booths with lush brown velvet fabric covering the bench seating. The tablecloths were a white polyester/linen blend that gave it an old fashioned crisp feel. On each table perched a glass flute waiting for the flowers of the season.
They heard the sweep of the kitchen doors and looked over to see Tommy, paper bag in his hand. He stopped when he saw the two of them sitting at the bar. Lee waved and motioned him over. “Tommy, my friend Linus from Seattle showed up out of the blue.” As she introduced them Tommy looked Linus up and down, his eyes in a squint as if he had an eyesight problem. Then he handed Lee the paper bag. “I can't stay but I brought you some lunch.” He leaned over, as if to kiss her but she moved slightly and he stopped, looking at her with a mixture of confusion and anger. “Can I see you in your office for a moment,” he said.
She glanced at Linus, who appeared amused, and shrugged, scooting off her chair and following him into the back.
“Who the hell is he? Why is he here? Is this an old boyfriend or what?”
She laughed. “No, he's my best friend from Seattle. You know, my gay friend? I've mentioned him before.”
That seemed to take the edge off Tommy's anger but still he glared at her. “Why didn't you tell me he was coming here?”
“Because I didn't know. He surprised me.”
“Oh. Well, why is this the first we've seen him or heard from him if he's such a great friend?”
She opened her mouth to answer but then couldn't think of what to say. “I don't know.”
“That's not good enough.”
She sat on the edge of her desk, crossing her arms, struggling to think of a way to answer his question without lying. It would have to be a lie by omission, just like she did every day with him. “Linus was a big part of my old life with Dan and I just needed a little break from that world.”
He let out a long sigh and slumped against the wall. “I'm sorry. I'm a jealous jackass.”
She hugged him, wanting to tell him that none of this was what it seemed and that he was perfect in his passion for her, his need for her. He was good, she thought. She was a liar. “There's no reason to be jealous of Linus. You'll love him and he'll think you're hot.”
He squeezed her. “He must have very discerning taste.”
“That he does.”
A few minutes later, seated back at the bar, Linus cocked his head and looked her up and down, waving his hands in the air. “You're stunning. Is it the pregnant glow or this new life?” He tapped his pen on the bar. “I've never seen you look better. I love your hair long like this, kind of free flowing and sexy.”
“I'm a fat cow.”
He continued to stare at her, lips pursed. “I think you're happy. You don't have that little pinched look around your mouth and that nervous little twitch you did with your foot.”
“I'm pregnant and stuck in Lodi with a business that's going to flop.”
“Now you're just being negative.” He leaned back on the barstool. “Speaking of Lodi, how long have you been sleeping with that sexy Tommy?”
She flushed. “None of your business.”
“I knew it. That's what's giving you the all over body glow.”
“Maybe. But, I haven't told him all of it. Y'know, about the debt to DeAngelo and all.”
“Why?”
“I don't want to put him in danger and there's nothing he could do to help me. He's the kind who would try.” She went behind the bar, sprayed soda water into a wine glass and wiped her forehead with the back of her sleeve.
Linus looked at her, serious. “You in love with this guy?”
She put up her hand. “I know, it's shameful. Dan's not even been gone six months.”
“Lee, I've been thinking a lot about things and I wonder if you were happy before, with Dan?”
She felt tears spring to her eyes and grabbed a cocktail napkin, swiping at her eyes. She didn't say anything for a moment, thinking about what he'd asked. Tommy had asked her the s
ame thing. Happiness, what did it mean exactly? “Linus, towards the end I used to daydream about leaving him and being free to start over. He was so dark, so driven towards this idea he had for success. There was no room for me. It took me awhile of being here to realize he had come to feel like a burden, just as my mother had been. I was spinning on this wheel, thinking that once Dan reached the kind of success he wanted, he would be happy and I could be happy too. And not so lonely.” She ran her hand over the bar. “But I can't help but think it's my fault for what happened because I wished for a different life instead of being grateful for the one I had.
“Does this Tommy make you happy?”
“Yeah. Even though he's not my type at all. He's a sentimental, liberal, Jesus loving musician.” Her voice broke. “And he's got this way of seeing right into me. He's nice to me and bought a crib at an unfinished wood furniture store for the baby and he's painting it white. We have incredible chemistry. He thinks we're soul-mates.” She took a shaky breath and wiped a tear from her cheek. “I'll just leave it at that.”
Linus smiled, but his eyes were sad. “And, he doesn't know how much trouble you're in.”
“Right.”
He squeezed her hand. “We'll get this figured out so you can be with him. I'm here now.”
She managed a shaky smile. “Great. Now I'll have both you and Tommy bossing me around.”
“What more could you want?” Linus shuffled through her notes. “Anyway, I'm afraid I must agree with your assessment about Riversong.” He lowered his voice. “The main issue is finding staff.” He put his glasses back on and glanced at Annie's summer menu. “Your chef is quite capable and the young man, this Billy.” He interrupted himself and whispered. “Well, he seems trainable.” He flipped behind the menu and pulled out a spreadsheet, shaking his head, as if contemplating a problem of deep concern to humanity. “However, I'm worried about finding staff.” He glanced askance towards the window. “In this town.”
“The local druggies won't do?”
He rolled his eyes and pursed his lips. “Oh, no, no, no. That's just a shame.” He looked up at the ceiling, sighed, and spread his hands on the surface of the table. “We must find the starving artists. Surely you have some of those here?”
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