‘But there is one thing I can do to make your life a bit easier,’ James said.
Lillian stared at him, amazed to find any bright spot in the dark. ‘There is? What?’
‘Wait and see. You finished there? Come on then, I’ve got something to show you.’
More than that he refused to say. They drove round to While-U-Wait Southend.
‘Just wait there a minute while I make a phone call,’ James said, leaving her in the work bay while he went to the office area at the back.
Lillian looked idly around. Three cars were up on hydraulic lifts with fitters underneath them putting on new exhausts and in the corner there was a grey Morris Minor Traveller with its distinctive round nose and wood-trimmed body. She presumed that it was waiting for its owner to come and pick it up. James came back with a set of car keys.
‘Here you are,’ he said, handing them to Lillian. ‘All fixed. I’ve got a buyer coming for it in a couple of weeks, but it’s insured for you to drive until then.’
Lillian just stood and stared at him, the keys resting in the palm of her hand. ‘What?’
‘The Traveller. Tony’s been keeping his hand in doing it up. You’ll be needing something to take you out to the hospital.’
‘You’re lending me a car? Just like that?’
‘Of course. You need one and it’s just sitting there doing nothing.’
‘But—’
He reached out and closed her fingers round the keys. ‘Go on—get in it.’
She did as she was told, adjusting the seat and the rear-view mirror, making sure she knew where the gears were. Then she started it up. The engine sprang into life.
James leaned down and spoke through the open window. ‘There you are—sweet as a nut. You’ll find it a bit clumsy after the Mini, but it’s a good reliable car. Off you go—just let me know if you have any problems.’
He brushed aside her thanks and stood back to let her drive out of the garage. Gingerly, Lillian put it in gear, released the handbrake, let out the clutch. The car moved forward. She squeaked with a mixture of alarm and pleasure. This was the first time she had driven all by herself. But she kept her head, negotiated the back streets of Southend and emerged on to the seafront. Now she had got the hang of manoeuvring the car, she was beginning to enjoy herself. It was a grey chilly day, but she was protected from the weather. The promenade road was practically empty. For the first time in weeks she felt the weight of dread lift from her heart as she passed the end of her road and carried on towards Thorpe Bay, the engine humming happily, the car obeying her, the scenery whizzing by. She was in Shoebury before she knew it.
If only she could just keep on and on driving, back past Southend and on to anywhere, leaving her responsibilities behind her. She thought of Eileen and the cosy welcome of her little home up there in the midlands. How lovely it would be to go and visit her. But she could not. Already she had stayed out far too long. Gran would want to know what she had been up to. She turned around and drove home, her brief freedom over.
It was much easier getting to the hospital now she had a car. The next day, as she was sitting at her mother’s bedside, Wendy turned up. She had make-up over her bruises, and of course she still had her arm in a sling.
‘Look,’ she said brightly, too brightly, thrusting her good hand in front of Lillian’s nose. ‘Terry bought me this. Isn’t it beautiful?’
A new ring flashed on her middle finger, a ruby flanked with diamonds.
‘It’s big,’ Lillian said.
‘You see—he loves me. A man doesn’t buy a ring like that for anyone.’
Their mother lay between them in the hospital bed, her eyes shut, seemingly unaware of their presence.
‘Not unless he’s feeling guilty about something,’ Lillian replied.
Wendy’s pretty mouth twisted. Hot-eyed, she rounded on Lillian. ‘You like to make out you’re so clever, but you don’t know anything about anything,’ she said. ‘Look at you, you’ve never even had a proper boyfriend. You’re just jealous because I’ve got a rich husband. You’ve always been jealous of me.’
‘I wouldn’t want your Terry if he was the last man on earth,’ Lillian said.
There was a faint sound from the bed. Both of them shut up and looked at their mother. She was looking back at them with fear in her eyes.
Lillian took her hand. ‘It’s all right, Mum. You know Wendy and me. Just a little squabble, that’s all.’
‘Yeah,’ Wendy agreed, bending over to kiss Nettie’s white cheek. Don’t take any notice of us. You just get better as soon as possible, all right?’
Nettie focused on Wendy’s sling. ‘Arm?’ she whispered.
‘What? Oh, this—I tripped over. Silly me. Look, Mum, look at this lovely ring Terry gave me to make it feel better—’
They managed to behave themselves until the end of visiting time but, the moment they were ushered out of the ward, Lillian grabbed her sister by her good arm.
‘Wendy, how can you be so stupid? Letting yourself be bought off with a bit of flashy jewellery.’
Wendy twisted out of her grasp. ‘Shut up, Miss Goody Two Shoes! I’m fed up with you telling me what to do. You don’t understand nothing about what it’s like to be me. So just put a sock in it, right? I don’t want to hear no more preaching from you, not never.’ And she set off along the corridor as fast as she could totter in her four-inch stilettos.
Lillian overtook her in just a few strides. ‘OK, if that’s what you want. But don’t come running to me next time he knocks you about.’
She marched ahead of her sister and emerged into the late afternoon gloom. Outside the front entrance, Terry’s driver had the Jag parked in a space reserved for doctors as he waited to take Wendy home. Angry, resentful, worried, Lillian hurried past, found where she had parked the Traveller in the street and climbed inside. For several minutes she just sat in the driver’s seat with her hands at the top of the steering wheel and her head resting on them. She felt safe in here, with the solid little car between her and the troubles of the outside world. She breathed in the smell of it. The scent of cars and petrol were always associated with James. He had sat here. He had held the steering wheel, touched the gear lever. Try as she might, she couldn’t get Wendy’s mocking words out of her head. You’ve never even had a proper boyfriend.
‘I’ve had loads of boyfriends,’ she said out loud.
But she knew that her sister was right. She might have gone out with plenty of boys during her dancing days, but none of them had been sweethearts. There wasn’t one whom she regretted leaving behind. Right from the moment they had met, all those years ago, it had only ever been James.
‘Why can’t you see me?’ she asked.
But she knew the answer. He did see her, but not as a woman. He did care for her. The car was proof enough. Lending her this had been so considerate. He had seen what she needed and provided it. But he didn’t love her the way she loved him. He simply didn’t think of her in that way. She sighed deeply. Like everything else in her life at the moment, she couldn’t see a solution. All she could do was to plod on, coping with each thing as it presented itself. She started the car up and drove home to report back to Gran and see what she needed. There was sure to be something.
It was as she was making the tea later on that afternoon that she realised with a jolt that she hadn’t written to Eileen in ages. There was just so much bad news that she hadn’t known where to start. She’d told her a bit about Wendy and Terry, but nothing about Frank, and now there was her mother back in hospital as well. She didn’t want to burden Eileen with it all but, on the other hand, she knew that her aunty would be cross if she kept it from her. Eileen did like to hear what was happening in the family after being out of touch for so long, and Lillian still hoped that one day she would be able to bring them all together again once more. She decided to sit down that evening and write a nice long letter and felt a bit better. Writing to Eileen wasn’t the same as speaking to her, but it
would help.
At tea time her father wanted to know about her visit to the hospital.
‘The sister said they were still waiting for the results of the tests,’ she told him.
‘Ah. Right,’ Doug said.
‘She didn’t seem any brighter, though, did she?’ Gran prompted.
‘Not really,’ Lillian admitted.
‘So you better go and visit her this evening,’ Gran decided.
‘What, me? I been at work all day,’ Doug said.
‘Won’t hurt you to go and visit your wife. Lillian’s got that car. She can drive you out there.’
Doug shifted uncomfortably in his chair. ‘I hate hospitals.’
‘So does everyone. You can go directly after Lillian’s washed up.’
Lillian just sat there wrestling silently with a mass of conflicting emotions. She was disappointed at seeing her letter to Eileen slide away, glad to see her father being forced to do his duty, guilty at feeling that way when she should be simply concerned about her mother, tired of always being the one who had to run around after everyone else, and guilty again at being so selfish. She stood up and started to clear the plates away.
‘I’ll be fifteen minutes or so, Dad,’ she said, not bothering to keep the edge out of her voice.
Doug just made a noise in his throat, lit a cigarette and waited till she was ready.
The days passed by, dominated by trips to the hospital. Susan, Wendy and James’s mother all visited as often as they could, but Lillian made sure she went every day as well. Each time she saw her mother, she seemed to have shrunk a little more, retreated even further from the world. Lillian woke each day with dread in her heart. Although she never said it out loud, she knew it was only a matter of time. It was a clash with Gran that brought matters to a head.
‘She’s no better, I suppose?’ she asked when Lillian served tea one day.
‘No.’
Her mother had not acknowledged her presence at all that afternoon.
‘She never did have much go to her.’
Lillian thumped the pot down on the table, slopping tea out of the spout onto the cloth.
‘Careful!’ Gran snapped.
‘I think you better be careful what you say about Mum. She slaved away for you all those years with never a word of thanks from anyone and now look at her—she’s dying.’
There was a sharp intake of breath from both Gran and Doug. She had said the forbidden word. A wild vindictive part of Lillian was glad. It was about time they faced the truth.
‘You’re a wicked, wicked girl,’ Gran stated.
‘I’m just saying what’s true. And, what’s more, it’s about time you made the effort to go and see her, before it’s too late.’
‘Me? Go to the hospital?’ Gran looked as if she had suggested flying to the moon.
‘Why not? I can take you in the car and, if you can’t walk at the other end, I’ll get you a wheelchair.’
‘I’m not sitting in no wheelchair.’
‘OK, suit yourself, but I think you ought to go and see her.’
‘Don’t talk to your grandmother like that,’ her father snapped.
Lillian rounded on him. ‘And you ought to go and see her more often, too. You only go once a week, and then only because I force you to. She’s your wife—don’t you care at all?’
Her father looked down, fiddling with the crumbs on his plate. ‘It’s upsetting,’ he admitted, his voice gruff.
Lillian was far too upset herself to recognise any pain in his words.
‘Oh, and I enjoy watching my mother fade away in front of my eyes, do I? I find it fun? That’s why I go every day and make sure she knows that someone cares about her?’
‘That’s enough,’ Gran barked.
‘No, it’s not enough. I’m tired of shutting up just because you don’t like what I say. Both of you ought to go and see Mum, because she’s sinking fast. Don’t worry, you won’t have the bother of doing it many times more, she’s not going to be here very much longer.’
‘How dare you speak to me like that? After all I’ve done for you—’ Gran began.
Lillian ignored her. She looked at her father, challenge in her eyes.
‘So—are you coming with me this evening, or not?’
‘I’ll come,’ Doug mumbled.
‘Good.’ She turned to Gran. ‘And when are you going to go? I won’t have the car for much longer. James has already put the new owner off once.’
‘I’ll go when I’m good and ready,’ Gran told her.
‘Well, don’t leave it too long.’
In the event, Gran consented to go the next day. She sat at the bedside in silence while Lillian attempted to chatter to her mother and Nettie lay there, seemingly unaware of their presence. After fifteen minutes or so of this, Gran hauled herself to her feet, leaned over and placed a cold kiss on Nettie’s brow.
‘Goodbye, Nettie. You been a good wife to my boy,’ she said, and walked stiffly out of the ward.
Lillian stared after her. How could she do that? She could hardly believe her ears. She was never sure whether her mother did hear what was said to her. In this case, she fervently hoped she hadn’t.
‘Well, that was typical, wasn’t it?’ she said, as matter-of-fact as possible. ‘Bet that cost her something to be even halfway nice to you, the bad-tempered old bat.’
She talked on a bit longer, deliberately making Gran wait, then kissed her mother gently on the cheek. ‘See you tomorrow, Mum.’
Gran was sitting in the day room. ‘She’s not long for this world,’ was the only comment she made.
Lillian was too angry to reply.
It was that evening that James called round. He took one look at Lillian’s tight face and told her to put her coat on.
‘I’m taking you out for a drink. You look as if you need it,’ he said.
Lillian was more than willing to agree. She felt like walking out of the house never to return.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked as they made their way along the road towards Leigh.
‘No.’
If she told him about the last couple of days, she knew she would start crying and not be able to stop.
‘OK, you choose what you do want to talk about.’
‘Tell me about how things are going in Chelmsford.’
James entertained her with tales of awkward customers. It was such a relief to hear about the world outside of Sunny View and the hospital that she wouldn’t have cared what he talked about really.
They chose one of the pubs in the old fishing village. James bought their drinks and they sat in a cosy corner close to a blazing fire.
‘Isn’t it Thursday today?’ Lillian asked. The days were all so similar now that they tended to get tangled up in her mind.
‘Yup. Why?’
‘Don’t you usually go out with Julie on Thursdays?’
Julie was his latest girlfriend.
‘Oh—I gave her the push. She was getting too clingy.’
Lillian couldn’t suppress a little spurt of pleasure. Another one gone.
‘You hadn’t been going out with her for long.’
‘I know, and she was already trying to pin me down. I can’t be doing with it.’
She knew it was silly to be pleased. There would soon be another one. There was no shortage of girls wanting to go out with James. He was good-looking and fun to be with, and now he was turning into a successful businessman. No wonder Julie wanted to pin him down.
‘So you thought you might as well see me as there was no one else around?’
She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. They sounded like the sort of thing one of his jealous girlfriends might say.
‘No, I blew her out so that I could see you.’
Lillian flushed. She was feeling far too raw to be having this conversation. She should never have started it. Another couple of steps and she was going to have no control at all. She took a deep breath and moved aw
ay from the edge.
‘Oh—well—thanks. So, apart from the awkward squad, things are going OK in Chelmsford, are they?’
James took his cue from her and talked for a while about the business, and then about the rally he had entered and what he was doing to prepare himself and the Mini for it. Lillian listened, fascinated as ever by every detail of his life, but, instead of being soothed, she became increasingly uneasy. It seemed as if James was slipping away from her. He was no longer a lanky boy with a dream, he was a man on the threshold of success. One day soon he was going to meet a woman who was sleek and sophisticated, as befitted his new status. Someone whom he wouldn’t ditch after just a few weeks. And then where would she be? Utterly alone.
The evening passed all too quickly. Soon they were whizzing back along the promenade again towards Southend. The dark water beside them was gleaming under the fitful moonlight and, far away on the other side of the estuary, flames were burning at the tops of the oil refinery chimneys. Lillian looked at James’s profile, relaxed and happy as he always was when driving, and was overwhelmed with such a wave of yearning that she couldn’t trust herself to speak.
James pulled up outside Sunny View and switched off the engine. ‘Home again. Thanks for a nice evening.’
‘Thank you,’ Lillian managed to say, forcing the words from an aching throat. ‘I think I’d of gone mad if you hadn’t taken me out.’
James half turned in his seat. ‘Look, I know it’s difficult at the moment. Well, pretty impossible really. But you shouldn’t be stuck in like this. Get out more. Go dancing—you must miss it. There must be blokes lining up to ask you, surely?’
The emotional pressure that had been building up inside her all evening suddenly burst out. She couldn’t control it. Hot-eyed, she faced him, the man she had loved for so long.
‘I don’t want anyone else. It’s just you, James—only you. I’ve never loved anyone else from the moment I met you. So now you know.’
And she wrenched open the car door, jumped out and fumbled for her front door key. Behind her she could hear James calling for her to wait, but she couldn’t bear to look at him, sure that if she did she would see only brotherly concern in his face. She got the door open, slammed it behind her and ran upstairs to the privacy of her bedroom, where she flung herself on the bed and wept as she had never done before.
Follow Your Dream Page 33
