“First, that you were thinking about something special. I’d put money on it having to do with Trevor. But then it was like you were punched in the gut. You literally looked like you were in physical pain.”
I kind of was, which was weird. My chest ached every time I considered what the upcoming distance was going to do to our relationship. The toll that’d be taken by not being able to be honest with our families. The hiding. The lies. Pretending like life was peachy when it was bittersweet. “If you’d like to talk about it, my door is always open.”
“Thanks for that, man, but I was thinking about break and how much it’s gonna suck not being with Trevor for almost a month.”
“I thought you guys were from the same town?” I’d been purposely vague when sharing details of my relationship with Trevor. My friends knew we went to school together and lived in the same town, but I’d downplayed the connection between our families. That was getting dangerously close to the truth, and I’d promised Trevor certain details would stay between us until he was ready.
“Yeah, but it won’t be the same,” I said, wishing I could explain the torture I was about to experience.
“I take it your parents aren’t cool with you being gay, either?”
“No, that’s not it. My parents have known about me for a while,” I admitted.
“Then why can’t you come clean, tell them you’re seeing Trevor?” He suggested. If only it were that simple. “They’ll probably take it better if they see you’re happy, and anyone who sees the two of you together has to admit you’re totally in love with one another.”
“Believe me, that’s not how it’d go down.” There would be tears, but they wouldn’t be happy ones. The moms would try to dissect where they’d gone wrong, if they shouldn’t have encouraged us to orbit around one another for nearly two decades.
“Remember what we were talking about last month in group. Most of the time, the buildup in your mind is light-years worse than the reality.”
“You telling me you’ve realized it’ll be easy for you to come out?” I quirked an eyebrow expectantly. It was dirty pool to turn the conversation around on him like that when I knew there was no way he could tell his family he was gay until he had a plan in place. Unlike my parents, whose acceptance of me made it possible they’d eventually be okay with who I loved, his family was very outspoken on their beliefs. They had no problem telling anyone who would listen that homosexuals were ruining the sanctity of the nuclear family. That’d made for a pleasant conversation the week they’d come down to visit Seth for his birthday.
“Eventually, I’ll have to,” he said somberly. I was a complete dick. I knew he struggled with wanting to keep his family and being true to himself. He’d blossomed over the course of the semester and it was cool to see the person he was growing into.
“Hey, guys, what’s so heavy over here?” Jayden, one of the graduating seniors, flipped a chair around and sat at our table. One of the baristas came over to see if Jayden needed anything to drink. The two of them had grown closer over the past month since we’d started hanging out here. Maybe close was the wrong word, but there was definitely a spark of something there.
“Talking about the theory of coming out versus the reality,” Seth stated, as if discussing possible thesis topics. It wasn’t much of a stretch to imagine him choosing something along those lines for a term paper at some point. The more comfortable he became with his sexuality, the more determined he was to do something good for kids like him.
“And what have you decided?” Jayden asked. The barista stopped back with his coffee, and they exchanged a few quiet words before he turned his attention back to us. “Sorry about that.”
“No worries.” I sipped my coffee, wondering if they were dating. I wouldn’t trade what I had with Trevor for anything, but occasionally, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to feel the butterflies when you met someone you felt a connection to. I wouldn’t say Trevor and I were a foregone conclusion, not by a long shot, but more of a natural progression. Best friends to pre-pubescent crushes (even if we never admitted it to one another), high school sweethearts no one knew about, and now college lovers. There wasn’t a time when he was someone new to me.
“You’re doing it again.”
“Huh?”
“You have your thinking face,” Seth told me. “At least, I hope it’s a thinking face, because it’s either that or you’re constipated.”
“Eww, gross,” Jayden chimed in. “Everything okay with you, Gabe?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Like I was telling Seth, I’m just sulking about break.”
“Why? Everyone’s ready to get the hell out of here.” He thought for a moment. “Well, except me. I’m still trying to figure out a way to stay in town.”
Jayden glanced at the barista. Maybe things were more serious than I’d realized if he was considering staying in town after graduation. The last I knew, he’d been talking about heading west, wanting to see the world before he admitted he was an adult and got a real job. I was excited about the thought of him hanging around.
“He’s worried about missing his guy while they’re home.” True to his word, Seth hadn’t told anyone who I was dating. He didn’t see the big deal but respected our wishes. I only wished it wasn’t necessary. Shit. Adulting sucked when it meant hiding news you wanted to share with the world.
“Ahhh, not ready to crack open that closet door?”
“I have, he hasn’t. And when he’s ready for that, it’s going to raise all sorts of issues.” Until then, I had to suffer through DeeDee grilling Trevor about why he wasn’t dating anyone. The moms were dying to be grandmas as soon as we graduated college and our lives settled down. That meant they’d want us to date because, if you didn’t put yourself out there, you’d never find your perfect match. If only they realized we’d already met.
“Do the ’rents not like the guy you’re seeing?” Jayden pressed. Shit. I should’ve kept my damn mouth shut. Jayden was from a super chill family who accepted him as he was. From what he’d said, they were chill about pretty much everything, which was why he couldn’t fully comprehend my hesitation.
“Could we not talk about this?” I pleaded. I was dangerously close to blurting out every reason coming out and telling everyone we were together was a bad move. I couldn’t betray Trevor’s trust that way.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to hit a raw nerve,” he apologized. By the time the rest of the crew showed up, everything had been forgotten. I sat back and listened while everyone chatted about their plans for break. A little past eight thirty, Trevor texted to let me know he was on his way back to the dorm. I replied letting him know I was still at Port Java, inviting him to come down. Just like any other time I invited him to join us, he declined, telling me he was going to head back to the room and study for a bit, quickly sending another text telling me to get home as quickly as I could because he missed me. That was sweet.
That was another aspect of our relationship that’d changed; we were both working to make sure the other knew what we were feeling, even when it seemed needy or clingy. Especially then. Full disclosure was what Trevor had called it when he’d suggested it. If nothing else, it served as a reminder of our place in each other’s lives.
As much as I was enjoying the evening, I decided to turn in early. Trevor had been tweaking hard about finals, so I figured my time would be better spent helping him relax.
I took a few steadying breaths on the walk back to Hewlett, promising myself we’d find a way to steal some time during break. Despite the bumps along the way, we’d managed to successfully navigate our first semester of school together.
The drive home after Trevor’s last final was somber. Neither of us knew how to handle the time spent with our families. We’d always been close to them, but now, I think both of us wished it were possible to stay in Wilmington and drive home for Christmas Day. But it wasn’t. Even if the moms wouldn’t have flipped about such a suggestion, the residence hall
s were closed until a few days before spring semester started.
“We’ll figure something out.” Trevor reached over to rest his hand on my knee. Him reassuring me was a drastic change from the end of summer, when I’d been the one telling him everything would be okay. “And it’s not like we won’t get to see each other.”
“Yeah, but now it’s going to be even worse than before because I’m going to have to remember to keep my hands to myself.”
“I am pretty irresistible.” Trevor exuded confidence he hadn’t held before college. It was sexy and amusing all at the same time. I still wasn’t used to him whipping out the sarcasm with perfect comedic timing.
Break wasn’t the only issue on my mind. It was beginning to bug me that the closer we became, the more segmented our lives felt. There was the time we were together, but then he had his life and I had mine. He was spending time with his friends while I did my own thing. Not once in the past few months had either of us gone out with the other’s friends. That was something couples were supposed to do. New Year’s resolution number one: figure out how to suggest we blend our lives a bit so we at least knew who the other was hanging out with.
“I’m serious, Trev.” I gripped the wheel tighter, wondering if I was making a mistake by bringing this up to him. “I’m trying so hard to respect your need for privacy, but what happens if I forget where we’re at and hug you?”
“They’ll think I’m a good influence,” he quipped. “I’ve always been a hugger, so they’ll assume you’ve picked up the habit from living with me.”
“And if it’s not just a hug? What if I space out and kiss you or want to hold your hand? What if I say the wrong thing and they figure out what’s going on?” Worrying used to be his thing, but now that I knew exactly what I stood to lose if I fucked up and he left, I was nearly paralyzed with fear. “I don’t like walking around on eggshells, but I’m freaking out that I’m going to mess up, piss you off, and upset the parents.”
“You won’t.”
“Won’t what?”
“Any of it. Okay, so yes, there’s a chance you’ll slip up, but it’s just as likely I’ll be the one who lets his guard down.” I wasn’t so sure that was the case, but I wasn’t going to argue the point. “And okay, so it might upset your parents and mine, but I promise I’m not going to be angry with you for doing something we’ve both gotten used to doing without thinking.”
“It’s still an awfully big risk,” I argued.
“One we’ve taken before,” he reminded me.
“But that was when we hadn’t gotten as close as we are now.”
“Except every weekend when we’ve been home.” Okay, valid point. Traffic slowed as we got closer to the city. I tapped a beat against the steering wheel, my patience with stupid drivers wearing thin. “Think of this as a really long weekend. And I’ve been thinking about it; just because we’re home through the beginning of the year doesn’t mean our parents will be. We’ve always hung out during school breaks. It’d be weirder if we didn’t now. That would be the biggest red flag of all.”
“But we both know damn well you’re not going to be comfortable doing anything at either of our houses.” That was why we’d never gone beyond a few stolen kisses and over-the-clothes petting. Trevor was one of the most honorable men I knew, and he would never cross that line in our parents’ space.
“No, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find time to get away. Who knows, maybe we can even do something out of town. It wouldn’t be the first time we talked about taking a road trip.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t going to break it to him that DeeDee would have a coronary if he suggested leaving the nest before we were allowed to move back into the residence hall on the third of January.
“Promise me you won’t obsess about this?”
“Nope. Not going to make a promise I know there’s no chance of me keeping.” If nothing else, I figured that answer would give me some points for honesty. “But if you’re serious about getting out of town for part of break, we’ll see if we can figure out something.”
“Thank you.” He let out a sigh like I’d offered him a lifeline.
I pulled off the highway at the exit for home. This was the first time I felt a pit in my stomach at the thought of pulling up in front of the house.
11
Trevor
We’d been home one week and my resolve was crumbling. It was harder than I’d imagined being apart from Gabe, especially since Mom was trying to make up for lost time. She’d taken vacation so we could spend some quality time together, which left me even more isolated from Gabe than I’d prepared for. Luckily, Gabe had a plan, because there were three weeks left before we headed back to Wilmington and I was ready to crawl out of my skin. Now, I had to convince Mom that I was a responsible adult and couldn’t be kept under lock and key all the time. To do this, I enlisted the help of Dad. He knew what it was like to be a young man trying to make a life for himself; surely he’d help me convince Mom.
I rapped my knuckles on the wall as I entered his den. He was kicked back with the tablet in his lap and the evening news playing in the background. He folded his reading glasses and set them on the end table. “Trevor, is everything okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” I hoped my voice wasn’t as unsteady as it sounded to my own ears. I sat in the chair across from him and tried to keep from fidgeting with the frayed strings at the cuffs of my hoodie. Gabe’s hoodie. Did any of the parents realize I’d swiped his sweatshirt and wore it around like a security blanket?
“You only knock like that when something’s bothering you.” Leave it to Dad to pick up on subtle tells.
“It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just….”
Dad leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He steepled his fingers in front of his lips while he assessed my face the way he used to when he was trying to figure out if I was lying to cover for Gabe.
“Really, Dad, it’s not bad,” I repeated. I was making this so much bigger of a deal than it should be. I was nineteen years old. I had my own money I hadn’t touched after graduation. That money had been given to me by my grandparents to do something fun. Well, I knew what I wanted to do, thanks to Gabe’s suggestion. He had a matching account, so if we wanted, we could live like kings. Instead, he’d scoured the Internet for deals and we were traveling as cheaply as we could. His logic was we could then keep using that money to take other trips when we needed to get away.
“Trevor, what’s going on? You’ve always been able to talk to me about anything.” Yeah, well I wasn’t always in love with my best friend, and ever since then, you only think I’ve been talking to you about everything.
I decided the only way to approach this was like ripping off a Band-Aid. “I want to take a trip for part of winter break.”
“Okay.” He drew out the syllables as though he was confused why this might be an issue.
“Gabe and I want to go to New York. Well, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and we figured this would be the best year to do it. There’s no telling if we’ll have to take winter interim classes in the future.”
Seeing New York City at Christmas had always been a dream of mine. Gabe used to tease me about it, but I wanted to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. I wanted to see the city dressed up in lights and baubles. I even wanted to see the Rockettes. Okay, so it was mostly that last one that earned me endless ribbing from my boyfriend, but it didn’t change the fact that I’d always been fascinated by their precision when I’d seen them on the Thanksgiving Parade.
“I think that’s a very responsible decision.” He sounded genuinely proud and I preened a bit. “So why the trouble telling me about your plans? Are you thinking you’ll be gone over Christmas? Because I have to tell you, that won’t go over well.”
“Um, no. I don’t think either of us has a death wish.” Dad and I both chuckled. “It’s just… okay, please don’t think I’m being disrespectful here, but Mom’s out of control. I’
m pretty sure she’d take me to work with her if the clinic didn’t frown on it.”
“Ahh, I see.” He scrubbed the shadow of a beard he’d been trying to grow out. “And you’re hoping I’ll help pave the way, be an ally in your corner when you tell her?”
“Yeah, something like that.” I chuckled again. “I don’t want to upset her, but Dad, seriously, it’s like she’s trying to cram me back in the womb.”
“I don’t know that she’s quite that bad,” he countered. He picked up the remote and turned off the TV. “Trevor, she misses you. I know you’re trying to focus on your studies, but she wasn’t prepared to let you go so soon. She was convinced you’d do what you talked about your entire life and go to Duke. She would’ve driven you crazy if you had, so maybe it’s for the best that you’re far enough away that she has to make a time investment when she wants to see you.
“And I hate to tell you, but there’ve been quite a few times she’s seriously considered driving down to check on you on your days off,” he told me. It wasn’t a surprise, but it made me uncomfortable. How easy it would’ve been for her to make one of those impromptu trips and catch Gabe and me in a compromising position. Granted, they didn’t happen often other than late at night, but I had faith Mom would choose the worst possible moment to knock on our door. Hopefully, I’d forget about that before we left for spring semester, otherwise I’d never be comfortable doing anything with Gabe in our room.
“I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or upset you,” he added, his voice carefully moderated like it was when he delivered bad news. “I simply want you to understand that it’s been difficult on her to have you boys gone. And yes, she misses Gabe just as much as she misses you.”
“Because he’s not where she can keep an eye on him to make sure he’s not corrupting me.” And oh, the ways he was corrupting me were divine. It was wholly inappropriate, but my dick twitched at the unwanted thought of our sex marathon the night before we’d come home.
Inseparable (Port Java Book 1) Page 8
