by Amanda Renee
“Thank you, Dr. Lindstrom,” Lucy said. “Will you be okay in here with the nurse for a few minutes while I tell Lane what the doctor said?”
“Mamma, after today I can handle anything.”
“I’m sure you can, but let’s not find out, okay? I’ll be back shortly.”
She’s going to be all right. Lucy stepped into the hallway and flattened her back against the wall. If the doctor’s report had been anything more serious, she didn’t know what she would’ve done.
Lucy found Lane exactly where she’d left him standing in the waiting area. Lines of concern were etched on his features.
“I owe you an apology.” Lucy tucked herself against his chest, allowing his arms to cocoon her in safety. On some levels, an apology didn’t seem like enough after the way she’d yelled at him. “I didn’t know the whole story. Lexi and Carina filled me in and I am so grateful to you. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.”
“Apology accepted.” Lane gave her a half smile. “How is she?”
“It’s a separated shoulder. She’ll have to wear a sling for a while. Outside of some cuts and scrapes, she’ll be fine.”
“I really am sorry,” Lane whispered against her hair. “I lost track of time.”
Lucy withdrew from his arms and looked up at him. “Accidents happen when you have children. Unfortunately. She’s fallen off a horse more times than I can count. I overreacted. I know how much you love Carina and you’d never put her life in jeopardy.”
Lane took her hands in his. “She’s not the only one I love.”
Chapter Twelve
Lane had told her he loved her and Lucy hadn’t said it back. She wanted to, but she couldn’t...at least not yet. Between Carina’s accident and still needing to tell him about their son, the timing hadn’t been right.
Lane pulled her car in front of her cottage and hopped out. He hadn’t had a way home from the hospital and offered to drive her car so she could ride in the back with her daughter. The pain meds the doctor had given Carina had knocked her out. Lane opened the door and gingerly lifted her out of Lucy’s arms. He followed her up the porch stairs and waited for her to unlock the door.
After he laid Carina on top of her bedcovers, Lucy followed him into the living room.
“I think we could both use a glass of wine.” She held her soiled shirt away from her body. “How did you manage to stay clean?”
“These are Shane’s.” Lane glanced down at the track pants and T-shirt he was wearing. “I don’t know how clean they are but they were cleaner than what I had on. Lexi told me to take them.” He patted the pants. “Actually, she has my wallet and my keys, too. That’s not good. And I lost my phone. Can I borrow yours so I can call her?”
“Go ahead.” Lucy removed her cell phone from her bag and handed it to him. “I’m going to clean up and get her in some clean clothes. Will you still be here when I get back? Because we really need to talk.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
After Lucy wrangled Carina’s dirty clothes off her and tucked her into bed, she breathed a sigh of relief. Her daughter was home. Safe. She kissed her forehead and slipped back out the door.
She grabbed a T-shirt and yoga pants from her drawer, then padded into the bathroom and stripped out of her shirt. She unbuttoned her jeans, lowered the zipper and hooked her thumbs into the waistband just as the door opened.
“I am so sorry. I thought you were in the bedroom.” Lucy quickly reached for her shirt. As Lane turned to exit, he caught her reflection in the full-length mirror. He stopped and faced her. “Is that my name?”
Lucy swallowed hard. She had planned to tell him this evening, but she’d thought she’d have a few more minutes to prepare. Prepare what? No amount of preparation would cushion this blow.
Lane entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him, his expression blank—she couldn’t read any emotion. “May I see it?” he asked, his voice throaty and low.
Lucy clutched her shirt tighter to her breasts. She didn’t know how to do this. She didn’t know how to tell him it wasn’t his name. She crossed the room and turned sideways. She slowly raised her arm, exposing the tattoo that ran along her rib cage, slightly above the bra line. She’d managed to keep it hidden from everyone for ten years, except Antonio, who’d been with her when she’d gotten it.
Lane reached out to touch it and then hesitated. She nodded to him that it was okay. She couldn’t keep lying to him; he needed to know the truth. He deserved to know the truth. Now.
His rough fingers lightly grazed her tattoo. One word, written in delicate script, almost the length of her palm... Lane.
“I don’t understand.” His eyes shone. “If you felt this strongly, then why did you leave me? Why did you marry someone else and have his baby? Why is my name tattooed on your body?”
Lucy stepped away from him, slipping her shirt back over her head. If she didn’t say it now, she never would. “It’s not your name.”
“What do you mean, it’s not my name?” He laughed nervously. “How many Lanes do you know?”
She held up two fingers, willing herself to tell him the truth.
“Come on, Lucy. You don’t expect me to believe that you fell in love with two men named Lane and then had the other man’s name tattooed on your body. What’s going on?”
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, holding on to the sink for support. “Lane was our son.”
He swayed unsteadily. “O-Our son?” Lane looked around the bathroom. “I need to sit down.” He shoved the shower curtain aside and sat on the edge of the tub. “I—we—we have a son?” Lane raked his hands through his hair. “And here I felt guilty for asking if Carina was my daughter.” He attempted to smile, stood, then quickly sat back down. “Where? Where is my son? You named him Lane?” A proud grin spread across his face. “He’s with your parents, right? It makes sense now. This is why you never came back? Answer me, Lucy,” Lane pleaded.
She knelt on the floor in front of him, taking his hands in hers. “I never wanted to have to tell you this.”
“Don’t.” Lane stood and flattened his back against the door. “Don’t you dare tell me you gave our son up for adoption. You couldn’t have. You—you wouldn’t have, right?”
Lucy stayed where she was on the floor. “Our son didn’t make it.”
“No.” Lane slid down the wall. “What are you saying?” Tears trailed down his cheeks.
“When I left here that final summer, I fully intended on coming back the following year and living in Wyoming with you. When I got home, I found out I was two months pregnant.” Lucy’s throat was so dry she found it almost impossible to swallow. She opened her mouth and the words wouldn’t come. She reached for the sink, pulled herself up and turned the faucet on. She cupped her hand for a drink and then splashed water on her face.
I don’t know how to do this.
She lowered herself onto the edge of the tub, while he remained on the floor. “I miscarried four months into the pregnancy.”
He shifted to face her, taking her hands in his. “Oh, Lucy. I am so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve come to you.”
“I didn’t tell you I was pregnant, because you didn’t want kids. You were pretty adamant about it back then. You made sure we were well protected every time.”
“We couldn’t afford a child, Lucy. We were teenagers,” Lane reasoned. “We talked about it. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have welcomed a child if one had come along. Clearly no birth control’s 100 percent. So that’s why you didn’t tell me. Because I said we couldn’t afford kids?”
“It’s more than that.”
“Even if you didn’t want to tell me, I don’t understand why you didn’t come back the following year. It doesn’t make sense to me. You married Antonio while I was waiting for you. You had his child. Who was he to you?”
Lucy rubbed her forehead. He might have understood everything to this point but he wouldn’t understand what sh
e’d say next. “I had just turned eighteen, I still had one more year of school to go, I was pregnant and I didn’t know what to do. You said no children—we said no children—and I didn’t think I wanted children until I was actually faced with it.”
“I get that. Why didn’t you consider that maybe I would’ve felt that way, too? Why didn’t you allow me the same courtesy you gave yourself?”
Lucy silently prayed for strength. “You had started a new job in Wyoming and barely had enough money for yourself. You couldn’t have afforded a baby and me. I had to make a decision and giving up our child was not an option.”
“Wait a minute.” Lane held up his hands. “Are you telling me you married Antonio when you knew you were carrying my baby? Tell me that’s not true.” Lane rose from the bathroom floor, towering above her. “What did you do, sleep with him and tell him the baby was his?”
Lucy stared at her feet. “No. I would never do that. Antonio knew the baby was yours. My parents urged me to marry him. I had known him my entire life. He was a great man and he wanted to protect me. We married right away so everyone would think the baby was his. I was under a lot of stress, between the pregnancy and morning sickness, my parents, and school. The doctors had warned me my blood pressure was too high. My pregnancy wasn’t high risk yet, but it was close to it. And then one night it was all over.”
Lane sat next to her on the tub. “What happened?”
“I woke up with cramps, Antonio rushed me to the hospital and by then it was too late. He was already gone.” Every tear Lucy had fought back for the past month finally let loose. “When they told me it was a boy, they asked me if I wanted to name him. The only name I ever wanted to name our son was Lane.”
“And your husband didn’t mind?” Lane’s voice was thick with doubt.
“No. Antonio wasn’t like that. He was the kind of man you would have respected. He married me to save my reputation and my family’s. Italy is very different from here, especially the small village where I lived. Antonio was a very wealthy man and promised to provide for our child.”
“Who does that?” Lane stood and paced the tiny room in two steps. “What man takes on another man’s child and willingly raises it as his own?”
“You.” Lucy got to her feet. “Don’t you see? You did the same thing. I know you love Carina. I know you love me. You were willing to take on Antonio’s child as if she was your own. The circumstances are different, but it’s still the same thing.” She reached out for him but he flinched at her touch. “You never judged Carina for having a different father or held it against her. You and Antonio were very different, but you were alike in many ways. I see that now—I wish I had seen it then. You don’t know how many times I’ve asked myself if our child would’ve survived if I had told you and we had tried to work through it together, but I felt unburdening myself would’ve been selfish. You can’t change the past. I lost our child. Me. It’s all on me. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about the undue stress that I put our baby through. I paid the price for my lies. So did our son. That doesn’t go away and it doesn’t get any better. Ella told me—”
“Ella and Nicolino knew?” Lane laughed. “Of course they did. That explains it. After ten years, I finally know why your cousin has a problem with me. It’s because I got you pregnant. They could have told me.”
“It wasn’t their place to tell you I was pregnant, especially when I told them not to. I asked Nicolino to tell you I wasn’t coming back, but he feared you’d ask too many questions, so he chose to say nothing.”
“He was right, I would have.” Lane swung open the bathroom door. “I need to get out of here.”
“You don’t understand.” Lucy followed him, her voice low so as not to wake Carina. “This wasn’t easy for me.”
“Well, I guess I’ll never know, because you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.” Lane reached for the doorknob and then spun to face her. “I thought of a million reasons why you left me the way you did, but this never entered my mind. You and I—wow, Lucy. You and I could have had it all. All you had to do was tell me the truth.”
Lucy smirked. “I knew you’d blame me for the miscarriage.”
“I’m not blaming you for the miscarriage.” Lane gripped both of her shoulders and lowered his head to hers. “I think you’ve spent the last ten years blaming yourself for the miscarriage, but just so we don’t have any misunderstandings, I don’t blame you for that. Miscarriages happen for all sorts of reasons. You need to let that go and forgive yourself.” He released her and stepped backward, creating more distance between them.
“Then what did you mean, we could have had it all?” Lucy asked.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” Lane grabbed one of the kitchen bar stools and sat down. “I actually thought about this a few weeks ago. I felt you and I were meant to break up ten years ago so you could marry Antonio and have Carina. I’m not going to cheapen her existence by saying you should have told me about the pregnancy and moved to Wyoming and our son may or may not have been born. To do that would eliminate her life and I would never wish her away. So I can’t answer you. All the scenarios hurt. But what hurts the most is the fact that you married another man while carrying my baby and consciously planned to pass him off as your husband’s child. I can’t forgive that. I’m sorry, Lucy. I love you and always will, but I have my limits.”
Lucy had expected as much. Well, she’d expected less. Another declaration of love only fanned the flames higher. “What about Carina? I need to know what to tell her.”
“I hold nothing against your daughter. I will continue to be there for her whenever she needs me.” Lane stood and crossed the room to the front door. “She can call, visit, go riding—well, after tonight she’ll need a break from that—but I’m here for her. And I’ll probably even be there for you, too...someday. You need to give me some space.”
“How do I explain this to my daughter? She believes we’re a couple.”
“Don’t do that, Lucy.” Lane reached for the doorknob again. “Don’t you make me feel like the bad guy. You married another man while you were pregnant with my baby. Were you ever planning to tell me? If I hadn’t walked in on you changing, would you have told me?”
“Yes. I was planning to tonight. That’s why I didn’t tell you I loved you at the hospital. Love means no secrets. No lies. I couldn’t say I love you with a clear conscience.”
A pair of headlights filtered in through the front windows. “That’s Lexi.” He opened the door and motioned for Lexi to give him a minute. “I need to go.”
Lucy walked away from the front door and gripped the edges of the kitchen counter. “Fine. You know the truth now. So just go.”
She waited for the front door to close. Every second that ticked by felt like an eternity. She didn’t want to turn around and face him. She heard the door click and the floor creak behind her. His arms encircled her waist as she sagged against him.
“I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me,” he said against her hair. “And I’m sorry that he’s gone. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through.”
Lucy turned in his arms and took his face in her hands. “You need to believe me—I loved our child. He was loved.”
Lane wrapped her in his arms. “I know you did. I know.”
“Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me.” Lucy finally allowed herself to relax in his arms. Every kiss, every touch they’d shared had so much anxiety behind it and now she was free. “You’re still leaving me, aren’t you?”
Lane kissed the top of her head. “We need some space from one another and I need a chance to absorb all of this. I don’t know how to forgive you and until I do, I can’t be with you. I can’t tell you how long that feeling is going last. A day, a week, forever. I don’t know. I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“Then what the hell was that? Why didn’t you just leave instead of holding me?”
“That was us grieving for our child.”
He leaned into her. “Something we should have done ten years ago. I’m not a heartless bastard, Lucy. I realize you went through hell, but that doesn’t change things.”
“Lane.”
He crossed the living room and reached for the knob. “Goodbye, Lucy.”
* * *
LANE SAT ON the picnic table outside the Airstream looking up at the stars.
“How could things have gone so wrong?” He’d thought he was on cloud nine when he woke up that morning. Lies punched you in the gut and anger propelled you past the pain. What he’d been feeling for the past few weeks hadn’t been a lie. They had become a little family and he’d loved every second of it. He wanted to forgive Lucy, he truly did, but there were some things in life a man couldn’t forgive. And the woman he loved marrying another man while carrying his child was one of them. Never mind that she’d kept their baby a secret. He didn’t know if he had the strength to get past that.
He didn’t even know where to begin. The last thing he wanted was to answer questions from his bunkmates. And his mother... Well, she had warned him. Tonight he didn’t want to be around anyone. Lexi had offered the trailer after she’d dropped him off at his truck. She hadn’t asked him any questions and he hadn’t offered any explanations. He’d been friends with her and Shane for a long time and she’d assured him they wouldn’t mind him camping out for a night.
He unlocked the vintage trailer door and flopped on the couch. He looked around; it was small, but it was private. “Maybe this is what I need.” He’d seen horse trailer-RV combinations. “Just take off, do odd stable jobs around the country. Just me and my horses.”
What about Carina?
How easily her little face came to mind. Tonight he’d promised never to abandon her and he intended on keeping that promise. It might not be easy; in fact, he knew it would be damn difficult. But over time, he’d think of Lucy less and less. It had been different before. He didn’t know why she’d left then, and now he did. It made a world of difference.
