by J. P. Rice
Chapter 10
A naked female form rolled on top of me, jolting my systems awake. My eyes fluttered open. Burn planted a soft, moist kiss on my stubbly cheek. “Morning mister. Thanks for the fabulous coitus. I’ve never felt better about myself.”
What happened last night? What the hell had I done? Other than the obvious, of course.
“Wake up, sleepyhead. I’m cooking breakfast down here,” Alayna’s voice ran up the stairs and into my room.
“Be right down,” I yelled in response.
“I want to go meet your friend.” Burn rolled off me and the bed. She landed on her feet and stretched out her arms.
“Wait a second.” I sat up in bed as my hangover rippled in my head. “First, put on some clothes. Second, do not, I repeat, do not tell her you’re a demon. She hates demons and vampires.”
“So I have to stay quiet during the entire trip to Sleepy Willow? And didn’t you say a vampire was going to get us in?”
Oh shit. What had I promised this girl last night? I couldn’t remember anything after getting into my car at Jonathan’s mansion. “Yes on both counts. I love drama, it should seem.” My crusty lips curled up into a smirk. “Keep it under wraps until I figure something out. I’ll be down in a minute.”
“Okay.” She threw on her clothes, turned on her right heel, walked out of the room and stomped down the stairs.
I sat up in bed and rubbed my temples. The room started shaking violently and I knew it could only mean one thing. As soon as the quaking stopped, a holographic image of my convivial guardian angel appeared in the middle of my room.
Artoise Saint Delacroix (he swore he was related to the famous painter) was an olive-skinned Parisian. His normally clean-shaven face and head were covered in dark stubble and a glaze of sweat. He wore his signature burgundy robe and leather sandals as he staggered back and forth. He’d told me he was from Paris and spoke with an accent, although when I’d asked him to speak some French in the past, he couldn’t do it.
I barked at him, “Where have you been, you bibulous jagoff?”
“What the hell does that mean?” he asked, curling up one side of his mouth and closing his left eye.
I spoke quickly, “It means dipsomaniacal. It’s a delicate way of calling you a drunk and subtly letting you know that I’m pissed.” I loved knowledge and learning new words to add to my vocabulary. I just hoped I was using them correctly.
He pointed a long index finger at me, and growled, “You know I suffer from polydipsia, asshole. And I meant the word jagoff. The hell is that?” He settled down and added, “I’ll just assume it’s derogatory.”
I stared into his glossy green eyes and said, “Good assumption.” I snapped at him. “Where the hell have you been? I had a hell of a run-in with my father that I could have used your help with. Almost died a few times over.” I hated to scold someone tasked with protecting me, but he’d been derelict in his duty.
He tilted his head to the side and bobbed it around. “I was watching most of it, but I do have to apologize. I fell off the wagon again. And I’m sorry for that. But you keep turning in performances like last night and I’ll be sure to stay tuned in.”
I knew it by his disheveled appearance. That fucking lush. “Oh, so you were watching last night?”
Artoise nodded, licking his lips. “Man, was I. I had Carolee over and it helped—uh, get her in the mood.” He waggled his dark eyebrows.
Maybe he could be of service. “Great for you. Did I use a condom?”
“Nah, man. I’ll bet it felt much better too.” He gestured with his hands as he spoke, “Like when you had her pinned in the corner of your bed with her legs...” He made a rhythmic slapping motion with his right hand.
I went to slap his hand down, but it ran right through the image. “All right. Enough of that. We don’t need a play-by-play recount of last night’s events. Why are you here right now?”
He shrugged his shoulders and walked toward my bookshelf. He said nonchalantly, “I wanted to congratulate you for finally giving me some good content.”
I growled, “So this is another social call. Not cool. What if I get into trouble in the next twenty-three hours and need your help?”
He continued looking at my books and spoke defensively, “I guess I hadn’t really thought about it. It’s just that you basically don’t need me. When I give you advice, you never follow it. So I’m just wasting my time preaching to you. Now you’re mad at me for not giving advice that you won’t follow anyway. I’m in a lose-lose situation here.”
“It’s not that I don’t take your counsel seriously, but you aren’t in the situation.” I knew of a way to possibly cheer him up. It would involve doing his job and staying sober, though. “Speaking of situations, I will be going to Sleepy Willow soon.”
My guardian angel turned to face me, “I heard you talking about that to the vampire and the demon maîtresse.” He smiled smugly.
Oh ho, had he finally learned a few French words? Terrible pronunciation for a proud Frenchman, though. Artoise continued, “Why, s'il vous plaît, would you do that?”
I grinned at his sudden zest for his mother language. “Apparently, you haven’t tuned in to the dragon episode. The sidhe from Sleepy Willow have brought their dragons to Pittsburgh.”
“Oh shit. Best of luck down there.” He turned back to the bookshelf.
Fucking coward. He was supposed to be looking out for me. “Best of luck? That’s all you got? I want to know if I can count on your help while I’m there.”
He moseyed over to my bed. “Sorry, boss. That’s one place I can’t get into like this. I’ve tried it before and no luck.”
I huffed and asked, “What the hell are you good for, anyway?”
“That hurts.” He leaned over my bed, looking for something.
“I’m just kidding. Look, you’re fading out. I’ll see you when I see you.”
The pervert took a few audible sniffs of my sheets although I didn’t think he could smell anything. “Be safe. And keep getting laid. It was excellent viewing.” He waved goodbye as the holographic image of his fingers disappeared, one by one.
“I’ll try. Au revoir, Artoise, au revoir.” I’d almost said Ricky Bobby instead of Artoise because I had that phrase from the movie stuck in my head.
Artoise Saint Delocroix’s extremities vanished, followed by his head and core.
I yawned, threw on some plaid pajama pants and walked down the steps. When I reached the bottom, I heard murmuring between Alayna and Burn. I crept back up a few stairs and listened.
Alayna said, “He is a truly remarkable man. He’s been through so much already in life with the cancer and his parents leaving him at a young age. His mother died when he was only ten years old. After that, he bounced around from house to house, never finding a permanent home. That’s why he’s kind of a loner. Then he finds out he has cancer at twenty-one. He’s had a rougher life than most people will ever imagine. Now he has an entire city’s safety thrust onto his shoulders which includes about three-hundred thousand citizens.”
Burn spoke in a loud whisper, “I’m just getting to know him, but he seems like a wonderful person. Does he still have cancer?”
“He’s cancer free right now. He was treated by the God of Healing, Dian Cécht, as well as the master physicians and the healing witches of the Deep Burrow. He had the best treatment but that can always change. He is very humble considering the massive amount of magic ability he possesses. A bit of a smart ass, but he’s young.” Alayna coughed.
That was enough of that. I let out a loud yawn to make my presence known and the two women quieted down. Alayna met me as I reached the bottom of the stairs and Burn scurried into the kitchen to play with Colossus.
“What’s with the shades? And I’ve never seen you without the purple dress. I can’t believe you’re wearing jeans and, of course, a Beatles Revolver hoodie.” I stepped back and shook my head, convinced I was hallucinating. Alayna had cut her long braids
. The three-and-a-half-foot faerie had chopped her locks into a pixie cut and then dyed it bright red.
“I’m rolling incognito right now. But let’s not focus on that.” Alayna lowered her sunglasses and her eyes widened with concern. She spoke softly, “What is going on here? You have a girlfriend, remember?”
I pursed my lips and shook my lowered head. “Not anymore. She dropped me like a bad habit. Actually, dropping bad habits are hard. She dropped me like a rock. She’s going to Princeton and leaving my life forever.”
“I am so sorry.” Alayna moved closer and hugged me. “This might be better for you in the long run. Satoku was a bit—bumptious—shall I say?” She looked up at me with twinkling eyes.
I squinted at her and backed out of the hug. “What? You didn’t like her? Not surprised. You never like my girlfriends.”
“I’m your friend and I want the best for you.” She paused, trying to gather the correct words before speaking again. “You have a habit of falling in love too easily. I’ve warned you about this. I think you use imagery to paint these women in the light you like, but eventually the light burns out. And then you get an honest image of these women. Too much light can be blinding and cause distortion.”
I defended myself, “I don’t—fall in love too easily.”
She rubbed her chin with her index finger and thumb. “Really. What’s going on here? Is this that ‘rebound’ thing that I’ve heard about?”
I smirked, tilted my head and raised my shoulders. “Sometimes things just happen.”
“Well, I have to warn you about her too.”
I laughed. “Here we go.”
She moved closer to me and whispered, “Mike, I can see dark magic vines slipping from her person and she has a Dank Artistry tattoo. She practices dark magic.”
Shit. How was I going to talk my way out of this one? I had to change the subject. “I talked to Jonathan and he can get us in.”
She peered at me with narrowed eyes. “I know that. Our new friend, Burn, told me all about it.” She gestured with her head toward the kitchen. “Apparently, you promised her you would take her.”
The crusty, old light bulb flickered on in my hungover head. Despite the poor blood flow to my brain, I had the answer. “You said to find people who know magic and will be of great service on our endeavor. Found someone.”
“She practices dark magic.” She caught herself speaking a bit too loud and covered her mouth. She moved closer to me and whispered, “Is she a demon?”
Uh oh. “No. She isn’t a demon. Look, here’s the deal. She came to me because she had fallen in with the wrong crowd that was teaching her about dark magic. She wants me to help her get rid of the dark spirits and teach her pure magic. I’m just helping her.” I held out two open palms. “That’s all.”
Alayna stared at me for several seconds before speaking, “Looks like she was helping you too. Licking your wounds, perhaps?” She smiled.
I shook my head, trying not to crack a smirk. “I see the bard in you never sleeps. Nothing against you and me, but I think we might need some help. Are the Celtic Gods going to give us any manpower to help?”
“As usual, they are not.”
A loud knock on my front door shook the huge piece of wood on the hinges. Who was knocking like the damn police? It spooked Alayna enough to back into the kitchen. I could see enormous vines of magic coming from the faerie as she readied herself for possible battle.
I peeked through my window and noticed a herd of people on my porch. I brought my magic to the surface as well. It appeared to be people from the local papers and news stations. Assuming they wanted to talk about the million-dollar offer from the mayor, I contemplated not answering the door.
Tentatively, I cracked the door and found the reporters with microphones and note pads huddled around someone. Felix the mage emerged from the middle of the pack and moved his pink-framed sunglasses to the top of his head. What the hell was he doing?
Chapter 11
Looking past Felix, I noticed his restored purple hearse from the sixties. Crazy plum purple to be exact. I knew that because he reminded me of it every time he talked about the vehicle. The short, stocky magic practitioner was part Japanese, part American with dark gelled hair styled circularly, like a cyclone surrounding his head.
He loved the attention of the press and dressed to impress. He owned an emerald one-piece slip on suit that zipped up the front and was embellished in so many rhinestones that it could raise Elvis from the dead. The young man had panache and was currently dressed in a tight red spandex suit that left little to the imagination.
Felix put his back near my door, and orated over the small crowd, “Listen up. I’m going on my secret journey, but I will be dishing out exclusives upon return. Get ready for the front page.” He blew kisses to the throng of mostly female reporters and slid inside the door.
“What are you doing here?”
He had trouble extracting his vape machine from his tight pants pocket. “I’m here to offer you help on the mission. Unless you don’t want it.” He pressed the button on the machine and took a hit.
I stared at the crowd, still huddled on my small porch and turned to Felix. “No, I do. Minus the spectacle though.”
He clapped his hands. “All right. Time for you all to leave the magicians alone to plot our murderous quest.” He flashed a smile while raising one eyebrow at the same time that I’d bet he had practiced routinely in front of the mirror.
“What about the picture you promised us?” one of the reporters yelled.
“Yeah.” “You promised.” A few more people chimed in.
“Oh yeah. Mike. They just need a quick pic of us.” He gestured toward the throng with his head.
“Us? Dude, I’m not even wearing a shirt.”
“Perfect. You can drive the ladies wild.” He laughed.
Wondering if it would be worth all Felix’s baggage, I contemplated telling him no thanks. On second thought, we needed all the manpower we could muster.
I leaned in and put my arm around Felix. The cameras snapped away, one woman even used her cell phone. I pulled Felix into my house and slammed the door.
“Bro. Don’t be rude to them.” He adjusted his collar. “That’s the link between our world and the normal world. Plus you don’t want them writing nasty shit about you.”
“Felix, I couldn’t care less what they write about me. Are you here because you want to be part of this team?”
“I am. I think we should talk quiche first.” Felix hit his vape machine and exhaled a huge hit that covered me in lingering smoke.
“Oh, easy with that shit.” I fanned it away from my face, but that proved to be futile so I took a few steps back. “Alayna’s cooking breakfast in the kitchen right now. As far as quiche, I don’t think she’s taking requests.”
His dark, playful eyes were suddenly serious. “No. I’m talking about getting paid on this venture. I hate to even bring it up, but it’s just business.”
I was flabbergasted that he was asking for money. Wizards and mages were supposed to work together for the good of the people. Preparing to tell him to take a hike, I relaxed and thought critically.
I was set to receive two million dollars at the completion of this mission so I had some room to work with. It just chapped my ass because I would never ask him to get paid for a job. “What did you have in mind?”
He hemmed and hawed with a series of contemplative grunts, moving his head around and shrugging as if he was preparing for stiff negotiation. “How do you put a price on a mission that gives you a seventy-five percent chance of dying?”
I closed my eyes. “Enough melodrama. How much?”
“I was thinking twenty Gs. I am putting off a few cases that would make me a nice chunk of change.”
“If you help me, from start to finish, and we drive the dragons out of Pittsburgh and reclaim our city, I will gladly give you twenty grand.”
I held my open hand out. Felix extended hi
s right arm and planted his palm in mine. He said, “Deal.” Damn. He had one hell of a grip.
I gestured with my left arm. “Let’s go into the kitchen and set up the plan.”
“Deal.” Felix took the shades off the top of his head and tucked them inside the collar of his tight shirt.
We walked into my kitchen and I turned toward the stove. Sizzling bacon was frying in a cast-iron pan, and its delicious aroma tussled with the coffee for olfactory supremacy. The isochronous ticking of the toaster timer felt like a terrible tap dancer on my hungover brain.
I had a tiny kitchen that wasn’t well suited for gatherings. Ironically, I was happiest when it was overflowing with loved ones and friends. I sat down at the table. Felix and Burn joined me and Colossus ran around the kitchen. Alayna was spreading butter on the toast at the head of the table.
I announced, mostly to Alayna, “It appears this is the fearsome foursome going to Sleepy Willow. Felix, this is Burn.”
“It’s a pleasure.” He set down his vape machine and extended his hand.
Burn shook it and smiled. “Nice to meet you, sir.”
Alayna brought the family style food over to the table and we started to dig in. Breakfast was my favorite meal.
I spoke as I filled my plate, “Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get started. Jonathan has agreed to get us in through the portal and take us to the bar where we can obtain the coin to get across Lake Geopold.”
“Well done.” Alayna set down a full plate of buttered toast and sat down next to Felix.
I grabbed a few triangles that were slightly burned. I didn’t want to insult Alayna and put them back so, I embraced the char. I swallowed some scrambled eggs with American cheese, and said, “Thank you, my lady. He said we are to barter with a man named Fencester for the coin. From there, Jonathan will draw us a map to get to the lake, avoiding the most murderous areas of the city.”
Everyone stuffed their faces except Felix. Alayna asked, “What’s the matter? You afraid of my cooking?”
“Not at all. Not trying to be rude, but I don’t waste much time with meals anymore. Not since I found these babies.” He stood up and slapped his ass, setting off a rattling of pills in his pocket.
