“Enough,” I announced firmly. It was bad enough to find out that Kate had in fact, been the last person Kane had been in a proper relationship with. And now, standing here catching glimpses of what had happened, and their feelings towards each other, I seriously just needed to get out of there. But I was being pulled in two different directions.
“Just let me go with her, Kane. Nothing’s going to change how I feel about you.” I sighed dejectedly, and released my hand from Kane’s firm grip.
“What?!” he blurted out at me, looking down, his brows furrowed in confusion.
I sighed again, and turned to him fully, looking him firmly in the eyes.
“I’ll be fine, and I’ll come see you straight after, OK? I promise,” I murmured softly.
His eyes flashed with rejection slightly before they became startlingly blank, and dead looking. His face contorted in pain but he swallowed heavily, abruptly transforming it into a stiff, calm mask, expressing nothing. Just like his eyes.
He shrugged coldly at me, and no longer looked at me, gazing unseeingly at the parking lot behind me instead.
“Don’t bother; I won’t be able to see you later. I have to deal with stuff at home.” His voice was cold and dismissive as he woodenly brushed past me without another word and got into his car, disappearing out of the lot almost instantly. I stared after him in shock. I had never seen someone whose emotions changed so quickly. He was worse than any PMSing girl.
I exhaled a breath irritably and turned back to Kate who had an apologetic look on her face, and a sad smile on her lips.
“This had better be good, Kate, because for some reason, I have a feeling Kane isn’t too happy with me right now.”
She sighed and nodded, leading me to her car.
***
“We were fourteen when we first got together.” Kate’s lips turned upwards slightly as she spoke, smiling at some distant memory.
“He was just as good looking.” She laughed slightly, but the sound wasn’t light, it was strained, tight and laced with unspoken pain. My first reaction was to feel smug that they were no longer together. But Kate had been one of my first friends here and her pain seemed to ignite something within me, and all I wanted to do was pull her into a hug.
I refrained however, and just sat stiffly, missing Kane’s presence already. My body twisted in guilt, my mind flashed with images of his face becoming that cold mask, his eyes that frosty glass.
“He was just as popular, maybe not on the scale he is now with all the bitches, but we were like . . . the “it” couple.” She sighed, and leaned her head in her hands.
“So, what? Did he cheat on you?” I asked skeptically and Kate’s head snapped up, her teary eyes locking with mine as she shook her head quickly.
“No! . . . No, he was . . .” she tilted her head, her brows puckering as she thought of how to start her sentence.
“He was . . . perfect,” she finally murmured. “He pretty much treated me like a damn princess, always telling me he loved me. And even though we were fourteen, I believed I loved him, too. I know I did,” she insisted, her voice firm as her blonde waves fluttered over her shoulder gently.
“I loved the attention I got from being his girlfriend, and he loved seeing me happy. We hardly ever argued, he was so different from the guy he is now. He only swore on occasion when we were together,” she whispered gently as her eyes gleamed vacantly.
“So what was the problem?” I snapped. The perfect ‘happy couple’ image she was burning into my skull was eating away at my envious mind, and, as selfish as it sounded, I wanted to hear about the destruction of their relationship. Not the happy times.
Her face seemed to flash in understanding, and she sighed wearily as her eyes once again filled with that heavily pained look as she took herself back to when they had split up.
“It was just after three years ago. We had been together seven months at the time,” she finally spoke after a bout of silence. Her voice had become cold and distant, in contrast with the soft curvature of her face.
“Kane had been absent from school for a while . . . like two or three consecutive weeks. We all knew why. But during that time he hardly spoke to me. I think like once over the phone, and even that conversation was short. He just said he would ring me back. He never did.”
I frowned as I thought about what would have been happening in his life three years ago that would have caused him to act like that all of a sudden. As cocky and laidback as Kane seemed, I knew he took things like his education seriously, so him not going to school sounded strange even to me.
Like a stinging slap in the face the answer struck me, and I gasped out loud as I understood the situation more fully.
Three years ago.
That was when his father had died.
Kate’s detached voice shocked me from my stupor and I refocused on her words as they filled the space between us.
“He was distant when he did finally return to school, always . . . pushing me away.” Her voice had become thick with emotion, and I saw her intake a deep breath as she pushed her emotions back.
“He was always snapping, sometimes going as far as just flat out telling me to ‘fuck off and leave him alone’ or just giving me the silent treatment.”
I winced at her words, having never seen the full wrath of Kane’s anger. But I certainly had witnessed glimpses of his frustration, and just from those I knew he could be nasty when he wanted to be.
She sighed heavily and finally locked her eyes with mine. They seemed guilty, almost desperate.
“I became tired of his ways, Suranne, but then . . . I knew about the plane crash, and I was sorry, I really was. I gave him time, comfort, all of my love, but . . . none of it . . . worked.” Her voice was no longer detached, but full of insistence as if she was vowing what she was saying was the truth.
“I felt helpless; he only got worse, his nasty words increasing. He was always swearing, getting into fights, cussing at something and at first, I just . . . breathed deep and accepted. Because I knew he was in pain, Suranne, but I felt as if he . . . I dunno. Hated me.”
I sighed and finally relented, putting my arm around her shoulder. In truth, from what I had heard, none of it had been her fault. But neither was any of it Kane’s. He was in unimaginable pain, and Kate just seemed to get stuck in the crossfire.
“One night I went to his house and when he came to the door, he looked tired, angry, and his eyes were red and puffy as usual. That was how he always looked.” She murmured next to me as she leaned into my embrace, her soft blonde locks brushing against my neck.
“‘What now? Wasn’t I just on the phone with you?’ is what he asked as soon as he saw me, but it was nothing new.” She sighed.
“I told him I needed to speak to him but he just said ‘Yeah, well, I don’t have time to talk to you right now, Kate, didn’t I say that already?’” Kate shook her head slightly and I grimaced, visualising how Kane would have looked that evening. But I stayed silent, allowing her to carry on.
“I told him I had had enough. I told him how I had tried to help him, giving him everything I could, and that I couldn’t do it anymore.” She sniffled and my arm became stiff around her shoulder as I realised with perfect clarity what she was telling me.
She had left him.
She had left him when he had needed her the most.
Now it all made sense and I internally kicked myself for deciding to go with Kate in the first place. I should have listened to Kane and let him tell me instead. I had promised him on the bench when he was upset and revealing his painful memory to me that I would never leave. That I would always be there, and yet, today I chose Kate over him. The same girl who, as I had just done, left him and walked away from his insecurities.
Kate carried on speaking but her words were no longer registering in my mind. All I knew was that I needed to go to Kane now. I had already been away from him for too long.
I quickly stood up from her bed and gathered my things together. K
ate asked me what was wrong but I ignored her and put my book bag over my shoulder.
“I need you to write down Kane’s address with simple directions on how to get there, Kate,” I replied whilst rooting around in my bag for my phone.
“But . . . I don’t understand,” she stammered weakly and I sighed in frustration.
“Please, Kate, I just need it, OK?” I muttered dryly, desperately seeking out my phone so I could ring him. When I sensed no movement from Kate I began to get irritated and snapped my eyes up to hers.
“Please!” I snarled, and she jerked back from my voice before grabbing a slip of paper and pen from her drawer, writing his address down as quickly as her trembling fingers would allow, her occasional sniffles occupying the tense space between us. I breathed a sigh of relief as I caught a glimpse of the small silver phone in my bag and grabbed it, and dialed Kane’s number, silently praying that he would pick up.
“Yeah, I’m too busy right now to pick up, but leave a message and I’ll try and get back to ya bitches!”
I gritted my teeth at his voicemail message, making a personal note to remind him to change that once I got hold of him, but for now I was settling on him just picking up the bloody phone.
I dialed two more times only to be met with the same stupid message, and I growled in frustration, snapping the phone shut and snatching the address from Kate’s nimble fingers as she looked at me, her eyes pleading and regretful.
I didn’t sympathise with her now, and barely glanced back as I opened her bedroom door and retreated out of her house altogether. I needed to get to Kane and began quickly walking where she had directed, continuingly dialing Kane’s number but still only getting his voicemail. After a while, I became worried. His twisted face, and rejected eyes filled my mind, and burned behind my eyelids. The guilt washed over me in waves and I started running, panting heavily as I got closer to his house praying that he would be home, to let me explain how sorry I was. Let me promise once again that I wasn’t going anywhere and that I wanted to be with him.
As I rounded the last corner, I felt the tears stinging my eyes along with the wind and I pushed my limbs to move faster. I wanted to feel his pain, wanted to share it so that he didn’t have to carry it all.
In my mind I chanted over and over, praying that I wasn’t too late, and that he would still let me.
23. THE POISON AND THE ANTIDOTE
Kane
Thanks to Kate, I couldn’t help remembering that messed up day. I had heard the doorbell ring, and glanced at it blankly . . . staring unseeingly, not even curious as to whom it was. I knew my mother was upstairs, lost in another bottle, and thankfully, Ashley was hanging around her friends. I trudged to the front door and opened it, my eyes flashing with irritation at the figure in front of me.
“Wasn’t I just on the phone with you?” I knew my voice was cold and acidic but I just didn’t have the energy to care. Kate narrowed her eyes at me infinitesimally and I noticed there was a slight determination in her stare, but my mind just shrugged it off.
“I needed to talk to you,” she spoke calmly and it pissed me off all the more having to listen to her voice that was so soft and calm while I was stuck here in this life of heartwrenching pain.
“Yeah, well, I don’t have time to talk to you right now, Kate. Didn’t I say that already?” I snapped at her, beyond irritated at how she never seemed to listen these days. I saw her eyes flash and her fists clench, and I should’ve known then that I had probably pushed it too much.
“I give up!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air out of exasperation, her voice high and her eyes burning in anger. “I can’t win! I give you support, space, time, comfort, and yet you still treat me like a piece of crap.” She took a deep breath, and her wide green eyes became soft and regretful.
“I know you lost your dad, Kane, and I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry, but you can’t take your shit out on other people.”
I just stood blinking at her. Of course I knew that, but right then, I couldn’t deal with her, and yet, as bad as it sounded, I still wanted her near me. All I wanted to do was have her arm around me, but I didn’t want her to think I was fucking weak. I was supposed to be the guy supporting her, not the other way around, and I needed time to support myself first, and even though it may have looked as though I didn’t appreciate all the shit she was doing, I really did. It helped me. Not as much as I would have liked, but it helped all the same.
With these thoughts running through my mind, I’d stayed silent, frowning and leaning against the doorframe. Kate had obviously been waiting for an answer but I just looked at her. She sighed heavily and shook her head.
“I’m out Kane. I’m sorry.” Her clear green eyes gave me one last look before she began to turn away, but then her words finally registered in my mind.
She was leaving me, giving up.
This realization snapped my mind back into focus, and these past few weeks came flashing to my mind. The distantness, the constant snapping at her, the pushing her away, never ringing her back. I reached out and grabbed her arm, to stop her from walking away. I needed her more than I wanted to let on, but I just expected her to understand and stick it out with me.
“No, Kate, I’m sorry please . . . I . . . I need you . . . My mom . . . She’s . . . Shit,” I muttered, stressing at the fact that I just couldn’t spit it out. Why couldn’t I just tell her I needed her help, that I was feeling so alone, with no one to turn to?
“Just, please Kate, give me another chance and I’ll let you in,” I pleaded, not caring if I sounded like a weak pussy . . . I wanted her to understand, I didn’t want to lose her. She was the only person I had.
“I need you, Kate.” I choked, praying that the tears didn’t come, that she would stay, that I could open up to her and give her everything I had rather than pushing her away, hoping that I would still be able to love her through all this shit.
Hoping that she would love me back.
My whole world fell when a tear escaped her eye and slid down her cheek as she shook her head.
No. She was shaking her head at me? She couldn’t.
“I’m sorry, Kane. I can’t. It’s not fair to me,” she sniffled, the wind blowing against her hair, causing it to wind around her face and lash wildly about in the darkness. She gazed back at me, her eyes glassy with tears. “You’ll only push me away,” she whispered into the dead space between us. I just stood, unable to comprehend the fact that she was still shaking her head. My chest tightened painfully as everything came back at me. I felt like I was hanging off the edge of a very high building, and everything with my father dying, my mom turning to a bottle of alcohol, and the stress of school bitching about my absence were like kicks to my fingers clinging to the edge. Kate had been the only one holding my hand, keeping me there, balanced on the thin line.
But now?
Now she had just kicked me herself, and I fell. I felt the anger and hatred seep through my heart, into the blood pumping through my veins, and out through every single pore of my body. I felt the resentment burn in my eyes as I glared at her, my body going icy cold as she continued staring at me, sniffling and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, as if I had been the one to break her heart.
“Fine,” I snapped, clenching my fists to try and reign in my poisonous anger. “Fuck you,” I spat at her, gritting my teeth. “Get the hell off my property and don’t so much as ever look at me!” I slammed the door, the vibrations reverberating through the house. I drew my arm back and punched the door angrily with my fist, the pain shooting up my arm as my knuckles connected with the solid wood. But I just carried on punching it, again and again and again till I felt those bitch traitor tears easing down my cheeks and dripping onto my cradled fist, burning through the skin as the salty substance stung the bleeding cuts over my knuckles.
***
“Damn,” I muttered as I came back to the present, the same slicing pain I’d felt that night tightening in my chest, except it was
a hell of a lot worse. I had opened up to Suranne, told her everything. She had let me reach back up to the edge of that goddamn building and then she had helped pull me back to safety, away from the darkness, away from feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, she had let me shrug off everything when I was with her, and now where the hell was she?
With Kate.
I laughed darkly to myself at the irony of the moment. Trust this mess to come back and bite me in the ass just when I catch a glimpse of damn happiness, for the first time in three long, painful, lonely years. Three years full of me banging a different chick every night, sometimes more than one depending on my mood. Three years of going to parties, drinking like a fish, and getting high whenever I got the chance.
And yet it was the worst three years of my life.
I glanced down at my hands, tracing the scars from that night that were still jaggedly ingrained into the skin over my knuckles. A reminder of the anger, the hurt, and the betrayal I’d felt, and continued to feel, until I had met Suranne.
And now she was gone.
I threw my head back, slamming it hard against the headboard of my bed, wincing as the pain shot through me, but I didn’t care, the physical pain was much easier to stand than the aching, burning pain I felt constricting in my chest. Every breath was strained and labored and I shook my head, squinting my eyes tightly shut, willing it to go away. But closing my eyes had been a mistake.
A big misake.
Instantly she was there, her soft face and wide gray eyes shining back at me. A full smile graced her rosy lips and her long, mahogany hair glided past her shoulders and bounced smoothly against the air sweeping around her.
That vision was the last straw. The pain in my chest reared, its long talons reaching out and wrapping around my very being, consuming me, sucking me back into the darkness, and as much as I tried, it was too strong to fight. So I let it, I let it pull me back, but kept my eyes closed, not wanting to lose the image of her face. Her beautiful, smiling face, and then her voice sang out to me . . .
Kane Richards Must Die Page 10
