by Field, Mark
The other reason I describe it as a “guilt trip” is that Xander gave his speech to Buffy, not Riley. He had chances to talk to Riley but he never did. In a relationship, both parties have it within their ability to resolve the issues. By the simple fact of raising the issue only with Buffy, Xander put this responsibility exclusively on her.
We could see Xander’s advice in metaphorical terms – Xander as her metaphorical heart – which would imply that Buffy is guilt-tripping herself about Riley. Let me explore whether that’s deserved or not by treating the issue as a straightforward one of plot and character. The answer there will tell us if she deserves the guilt, whether self-imposed or placed on her by Xander.
Now let’s take a look at what he told her. Two of his arguments stand out. First, there’s Xander’s whole “he’s the one” claim. I have no doubt Xander was sincere when he said this. Notwithstanding the problems in the Buffy/Riley relationship which I’ve mentioned, I think that Xander honestly believes that Buffy should love Riley as “the one that comes along once in a lifetime”. Xander loves Buffy, and has ever since he first laid eyes on her. He knows she doesn’t love him that way, but deep inside he thinks she would if only he were good enough. Xander sees Riley as a “better Xander”, one without the flaws Xander knows he has. That’s possibly true: I see Xander’s character as the mid-point on a spectrum which runs Jonathan – Xander – Riley. If Buffy did love Riley as Xander says she should, that would vindicate Xander’s hatred of Angel and confirm that Buffy deserves to be on the pedestal where Xander places her.
Very few viewers, however, would agree that Riley was Buffy’s ideal beau. While Riley did have a few supporters, I think it fair to say that the majority of viewers at the time would have said that Angel would be much better for Buffy than Riley was. That was true when ItW first aired and I’ve seen nothing since to indicate that it’s changed. Deep inside, Buffy knows this. She knows that she has never told Riley that she loves him, despite 2 clear opportunities (The Yoko Factor and The Replacement) and a third chance in Out Of My Mind. She did tell Angel that she loved him.
Here’s the way my friend shadowkat phrased it: “Nice speech. Were you fooled? Yep. So was I. But it always nagged at me. Why? Because when I was Buffy’s age, I did the same dumb thing – I got desperate, I got scared, I decided that if I lost this guy, there would never be another one which meant I’d have to be alone, forever. And that would be bad. Buffy doesn’t run after Riley, because he’s the long-haul guy or because she loves him. Buffy runs after Riley – because she is afraid of being alone. Her mother’s sick. Her sister’s not real. This is the only normal guy that she liked who’s ever taken an interest in her. What if there’s no one else? Can she really afford to be picky? She didn’t hear what Xander said.”
Buffy has always had a great deal of insecurity about her relationships with men. Hardly surprising, given what has happened to her. In addition, she was very emotional when Xander spoke to her because Riley himself had just laid a guilt trip on her. Add to this her complete trust in Xander (she owes him her life, after all), and it's clear that she was very susceptible to what Xander said.
And what did Xander say? He reinforced what Riley had said: that she had shut down; that Riley was a "once in a lifetime guy"; that if she (not Riley, she) “really [thought] you can love this guy – I’m talking scary, messy no-emotions-barred need", that is, the Spike version of love, she needed to "beg" Riley to stay. This speech went far beyond telling Buffy to search her heart. It told her what to find there.
Buffy ran to the helicopter because Xander told her to. She came back, naturally, feeling even more insecure than before about her relations with men. And Riley never once looked out the window.
Second, Xander says she should have seen it coming:
“XANDER: No? Good, so you and Riley *aren't* imploding? (Buffy turns to face him in surprise) It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming. BUFFY: What? Who told you? XANDER: Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you.”
This is astonishingly unfair; part of it is a flat lie. Xander had the clues, no doubt, but the incidents happened with only him as a witness: Riley expressly told Xander “but she doesn’t love me” at the end of The Replacement; the look on Riley’s face when he learned Buffy had gone to stop Glory in Shadow. It was right in front of his Xander face, yes, but that doesn’t mean it should have been obvious to Buffy (and note that Xander himself never bothered to tell her). By telling her that she should have picked up on clues she never saw, Xander is putting guilt on Buffy that she doesn’t deserve – Riley is the one at fault for not communicating his feelings to Buffy more directly (he’s a psych grad student, after all).
In addition, there was so much Xander didn't know and didn’t bother to find out. He didn't know that Riley had slept with Faith in WAY. He didn't know about the vamp trulls. He didn’t witness Riley's ultimatum to Buffy earlier in ItW. He didn’t know about Riley’s insecurity and emotional neediness in the face of Buffy trying to deal with her mom and sister. He didn’t know about Dawn. Because he lacked this critical information, he had no business judging Buffy's behavior towards Riley or her feelings about him. He was manipulating her; with the best of intentions, but manipulating nonetheless.
In the emotion of the moment, Buffy believes Xander. She trusts him, as she should. But Xander’s wrong. He always hated Angel and that colors his judgment, biasing it in favor of Riley. The irony of his speech is that Xander increases Buffy’s pain at Riley’s departure by making her feel guilty when it’s not at all clear that she should; by making her believe that the loss was greater than it was; and by getting her to race after Riley and fail to arrive on time, thereby exacerbating her guilt.
All the relief from the success of her mother’s operation was undone by Riley’s departure and Xander’s guilt trip.
I’ve framed the discussion above fairly strongly, so I thought it would be interesting to reproduce a (heavily edited) thread from AtPO in October/November 2005. I edited for brevity and cut out most of my own comments because I incorporated them above:
Sunshine: “I read [Xander’s words] as suggesting to Buffy that she put aside the shock of seeing Riley with the vamp girl (not sure of the proper terminology here) and ask herself if she really has feelings for Riley. I think this is sound advice - do not make life altering decisions in the passion of the moment. That doesn't seem so outrageous so I must be missing something. As far as Riley, he wasn't a favorite character of mine but I think Buffy did in fact hold back her feelings with him and did push him away. …Maybe she should have pushed him away, maybe he wasn't the right guy for her but I saw one of those circles of misunderstanding and hurt that are often so hard to break. I see Xander as saying "Don't pile hurt upon hurt, don't react out shock and pain, consider what you have and what you want, and act accordingly".
Manwitch:
"do not make life altering decisions in the passion of the moment."
This is Buffy's position towards Riley. Riley forces, f-o-r-c-e-s, a grossly unfair ultimatum on her: Forgive my whore chasing ("whore chasing" was the term you were looking for) immediately, in fact, don't just forgive my whore-mongering quest for suck jobs behind your back while your mother was on deaths door, but acknowledge your responsibility for my actions.
In the context of what is actually happening between Riley and Buffy, Xander’s intervention on Buffy is almost perfectly defined as a "petulant self-righteous sanctimonious lecture."
Sunshine: “I do believe Buffy bears some responsibility for the state of Buffy/Riley relations. In my experience, very few relationship implosions are the fault of just one of the participants. … I think Buffy did hold back and he sensed this lack of commitment. He acted inappropriately and she certainly would have been justified in telling him to get lost, but is this really what Buffy wanted? … I belief that finding that right person is so damn difficult tha
t when you do have a candidate, do not toss this person aside without considering exactly what you have and what you will lose…. I think we are prone to making rash decisions, especially in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, one person has to overlook the hurt and say “I forego my justified counter-attack and I forgive you. What we have is worth fighting for.”. If this is what Xander is suggesting, then I agree with him.”
Sophist (me): “Xander approaches her while she's in a state of serious emotional distress and (obviously) not thinking all that clearly.
He then says, in order, the following (minor editing): [Quote of Xander’s whole speech]
I see this sequence not as one which lays before Buffy a free and open opportunity to examine her feelings, but an intimidation process in which Xander tells her the "right" answer and only then says she should decide:
1. He puts the onus on her instead of Riley.
2. He tells her she should have seen it coming.
3. He makes no response to Riley's betrayal.
4. He insists that it's her decision (when actually it's just as much Riley's).
5. He tells her to beg Riley to stay.
6. He tells her she treated Riley badly.
7. He tells her Riley is the one in a lifetime.
8. He tells her that she should "decide" if she can love Riley.
If that's not emotional abuse, I don't know what is. Buffy was emotionally vulnerable, yet Xander made no effort to find out why, he just started off telling her she was in the wrong wrt Riley. After reiterating that it was her fault, he tells her Riley is "the one". Only then does he offer her the "choice" of begging Riley to stay.”
Finn Mac Cool: “What it comes down to is the importance of compromise in making a relationship work. For Buffy and Riley, they could never have a functioning relationship as long as both stubbornly clung to how they thought the relationship should be. Now one can argue that Riley should have been the one to compromise, that he was in no position to demand anything of Buffy. The funny thing is that your feelings don't always listen to your sense of right and wrong. In order for Riley to have a reason to stay without Buffy compromising was if Riley could accept her vision of a "dependable" relationship. From all we saw of Riley throughout Season 5, it looks as though he's not capable of that. …
That leaves the onus of the decision squarely on Buffy's shoulders. If Riley can't change, then Buffy's options are either to change for him or let him go. When Xander first runs into Buffy, she doesn't seem to be considering the option of change, going so far as to say she doesn't have a choice in the matter. Now I would hold nothing against Buffy if that were the case; if that were the truth of her feelings, then she and Riley broke up because, ultimately, their views on love were simply incompatible. Xander's little speech, however, puts Buffy's refusal of an emotionally open but vulnerable relationship in the context of "won't" not "can't." Xander admits it's not fair that Buffy has to make this choice, but, just like with right and wrong, that really doesn't factor into it. “If he’s not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn’t there, let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy – I’m talking scary, messy no-emotions-barred need, if you’re ready for that then think about what you’re about to lose." Xander basically described the intense yet painful sort of relationship that Buffy had with Angel and that Riley hoped to have with her, and says that, if she is still capable of that kind of love, then she has to consider the consequences of not changing; he acknowledges that she might not be capable of loving Riley the way he wants, but it clearly seems that he was right to bring up the other possibility, as Buffy comes to the conclusion that she can go for the deep sort of passion with Riley.”
Finn Mac Cool: “Upon looking at it, the Buffy/Riley relationship was a lot like a gender-reversed version of an archetypal tale: woman falls in love with man; woman marries man; woman gives up a promising career to be with man; woman finds herself with little life beyond caring for the house, her children, and her husband; man spends most of his time at work or out with friends, reserving little attention for her; woman then either lives the rest of her life unfulfilled, cheats on husband, and/or leaves him. Riley gave up his military career in order to be with Buffy, finding that, now that he's a mere mortal dating a superhero, he's expected to stay out of the big, apocalyptic matters Buffy deals with, whereas, in his old life, he would have rushed right in. Riley feels he's not getting the attention or respect from Buffy he needs, so he cheats on her with someone who can give him attention, and finally threatens to leave unless Buffy (Riley's metaphorical husband) agrees to change how their relationship functions. I don't know about you, but I usually feel sympathy for the woman in the archetypal story described above, so I naturally find myself sympathizing with Riley when put in a similar situation. He wanted to be with Buffy, but he couldn't base his life around one person if she wasn't willing to include him in her life more.”
Manwitch: “Look, when someone cheats on their partner, betrays their trust, and I think it’s fair to say what Riley was doing with the Vamp fits in this category, they can plan on sleeping on the couch that night. If, having been caught, their response is to go on a five year vacation, then they have no interest in continuing the relationship regardless of what they say. If they do want the relationship to continue, they are willing to surrender what may or may not be their last chance at rejoining the military in favor of working on the relationship. You can't work on the relationship if you’re not together. Riley's ultimatum is ipso facto a declaration that he is done with the relationship. Nothing Buffy can say will change that. She knows it, which is why she doesn't say it. See, if their relationship was going well, Buffy would not tell Riley to stay. She would give him self-determination. So for him to pretend that this decision, that he has clearly already made and which is only his to make, actually depends on her is just an incredibly disingenuous way of trying yet again to knuckle her under.
Riley did not leave the military for Buffy. His awareness of Buffy and Buffy's values and the way Buffy fought for the right vs. the way the military did may have played into his decision. But there was no "Buffy I love you I'm leaving the military." Nor did she ever put that on him. Buffy never discouraged him from participating in the fight. She asked him not to go alone after she herself had just nearly been killed. That's not out of line.
If you watch the episodes again and try not to hear whatever Riley or Xander says as gospel truth, you might see that they are sooooo wroonngggggg. You will notice that Buffy forgives her attempted murder by Riley's boss, she forgives Riley's attack on Willow and other moments when commando interference threatened willow's life. She forgives numerous unjustifiable moments of abuse from Riley, including a gun pointed in her face. She forgives his sleeping with her arch enemy. Through all of this, she loves him, does the down and dirty with him, gets him the help he needs, busts him out of prison, and asks him, repeatedly, to be of integral help in the fight. She has to go fight Adam, but stops to save Riley first and lets him know that she needs his help.
Later, when Buffy's sister is the key and her mom is ill, Buffy asks Riley to watch Dawn and to not make Buffy cry. Riley is incapable of doing this. He wants to blather on about his masculinity, which, again if you watch all the episodes of their relationship, is of primary concern to Riley throughout. He is the man. …
I just don't see how people believe Riley's complaint that Buffy disengaged from him. If the writer's meant that, I think they blew it. When you have an arguably feminist show with an arguably strong female character, you can't suddenly throw in traditional relationship power dynamics and expect them to be taken at face value. Buffy had been there for Riley through his many times of need, she had been very forgiving of his MANY shortcomings, and she had told him reasonably specifically in her times of stress what she needed from him.
Riley's response to that is to cheat on her, give her an ultimatum, and claim that she's pushing him away and
people believe him?!?!”
Ok, enough about Riley, I need to get back to Xander and his speech to Anya. Again starting with metaphor, Xander was delivering the speech Buffy felt, after Xander’s prodding, that she should have given to Riley. But since the reality of her relationship with Riley doesn’t match the guilt she felt, we should look closely at the Xander/Anya relationship to see if his deeds to date match what he told Anya.
From the metaphor I’ve used repeatedly in these posts, Xander is Buffy’s heart. Her inner uncertainties about Riley over the past year have been reflected in Xander’s treatment of Anya, with Anya loving Xander more intensely just as Riley (says he) loved Buffy. At no time before this episode had Xander treated Anya as if he was “powerfully, painfully” in love with her. I think it fair to say that he treated Anya much worse than Buffy treated Riley. He frequently corrected her to her face and belittled her to his friends. Let me give some examples:
Anya: (indignantly) Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me, tonight. Just peddling those processed food snacks. I don't know why.
Xander: (around mouthful) Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things. (The I in Team)
XANDER: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau. (Where The Wild Things Are)
WILLOW: How many kids?
XANDER: I dunno, a whole herd of them. And some parents to boot. (Buffy glances at him, then looks past him and smiles) It was kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to life with Anya. (Where The Wild Things Are)
XANDER: An, you can help by making this a quiet time. (New Moon Rising)
XANDER: (to Anya) An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five. (Shadow)
