by Casey Herzog
I looked back and forth from my mother to my father. I was wondering if he was going to have the same reaction, but what I saw was utter shock. It was still freezing cold and I could still feel the presence of the shrouds. They were still there, but no longer were they yelling like their lives depended on it.
“I don’t even know what to say to you,” my father said, reaching out his hand, most likely afraid of this being some sort of hallucination from the cold. If he was having it, then I was having it with him.
My mother didn’t say a thing and cocked her head to the side, like she was trying to figure out who we were. Her hair was a mane of white, as if all the follicles had been frozen. She didn’t look like she was in distress, nor did she seem to feel like she was out of place.
I touched my father’s shoulder, but he didn’t even bother to look back at me. The only thing concerning him was my mother, and how it was possible for her to be here. I wanted to say something, but there were too many questions in my head to make them sound clear and concise.
“It’s been a long time, Michael, and I have to say I’m not at all happy to see you. We both know the reason I have held a grudge all of these years. I know in my heart it wasn’t your fault, but what my heart and my head believe are two different things.”
My mother looked right at home within this harsh environment, a climate better suited for wild animals.
I had no idea how she could survive when the last thing I remembered of her was seeing her body set ablaze. All the bodies lost to the sickness had been eliminated in much the same way to avoid a secondary outbreak. It was said to be a necessary precaution, but for a little girl like me, I was traumatized to see her burn like that.
“I’m sorry it had to come down to making a sacrifice, but you have to know it could’ve been a whole lot worse. It took a lot to convince them not to burn you with the other bodies. I had to pull in a lot of favors and burn a lot of bridges to give you a fighting chance.”
My father was backpedaling, coming up with some reasonable explanation for what happened to her and not getting any favorable results.
“I know you didn’t mean any harm, but that still doesn’t take away the pain of losing my daughter. I regret leaving her to make her way in this world alone. I can only assume the feeling I’m getting from the both of you is because of me.”
She didn’t look the same as the photograph I kept by my bed. I didn’t want my father to know about it, and I had kept it private like a secret between my mother and me.
This was just another turning point in the many chapters of my life that had not yet been written. This was definitely something unpredictable, and there was no way to foresee my mother, of all people, being here.
“You can see for yourself she has grown up to be a remarkable young woman. I didn’t have much to do with raising her. I never quite knew how to speak her language,” my father said as his hand shook in disbelief at the sight greeting him.
“I could be upset, but I had a lot of time to think about things, and I know nothing good comes from having revenge in my heart.” My mother was acting like it was no big deal, when I knew the truth better than anyone. I still didn’t have all the answers, but the pieces I was able to put together did make sense.
“You would have every right to hate me, and I wouldn’t blame you. I don’t know what else I could’ve done without sacrificing both of us. It was something out of our control, and you know that better than anyone. You have to admit, it was your idea. I stood strong against it, but you still had a willful spirit.”
My father swallowed and I think in some small way he was relieved and skeptical at the same time.
“I don’t particularly condone bringing our daughter here, but I doubt she had to twist your arm. Even when she was a child, she didn’t have many boundaries, but she tried to hide her adventurous spirit from the both of us. I sense magic has become part of her life yet I can’t say I fully agree with allowing her access to the most powerful force alive,” she said, as she turned and sat back down by the fire like she was unconsciously inviting us to do the same.
I moved past my father and sat down beside her, where her hand came in contact with my own. The glove had been replaced by the cold and harsh reality of my mother’s hand, but there was something about her.
“You must forgive your father for his trespasses against you. He did his best under extreme circumstances. I wish I could’ve been there to see you grow up and give you the benefit of my years of experience,” she said, smiling and showing nothing but respect, which was a far cry from the way I thought she would react.
“He was there when you couldn’t be; what more could I ask for? I didn’t have you, and I don’t know the reason you felt it necessary to abandon me. I have to wonder what I would’ve become had you stuck around.”
I directed my comments to her, but I knew my father was listening in on our conversation. I could feel his presence looming over us, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to handle having both of my parents in the same place.
“I understand how upset you are, but it wasn’t like I had much of a choice. I’ve always been too stubborn for my own good, and sometimes, I didn’t know how to hold back. God bless your father for keeping me from doing some of the most insane things, but I was still an adrenaline junkie.”
She spoke with surprising calm. How she wasn’t insane after years of being exiled was beyond me.
“I can’t begin to tell you how I’m feeling without wanting to scream, but I suppose that’s normal considering our predicament. I think I know what happened to you, but what I don’t understand is how you didn’t end up like the banished. They wander aimlessly in the dark, drawn by whatever magic they can find, which ultimately has become a way of life for them,” I said, looking down at my mother’s hand and feeling the familiar connection that only mother and daughter could have.
“I would let your father field any questions you might have, but I fear he wouldn’t make much sense. I’ve been here for years, and you can imagine how scared I was. There was no way for me to leave; something has been keeping me here against my will.”
I felt sorry for her, but there was very little I could do. It was painful to realize the limitations I had, but there was always something there. I didn’t want to give it a voice, but the scratching presence of evil was never too far away from my thoughts.
“The question foremost on my mind is why you both decided to keep me from learning the truth. We’ve always been a family of secrets. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this isn’t any different.”
I felt the rising bile of contempt in my throat. I wanted to make them realize their mistake, but how could I be mad at her for wanting to survive.
“I wanted to tell you the truth, but your father thought you would be broken into pieces. It didn’t feel like I had anything to live for without you,” she said as she hung her head low like she was hiding from the both of us.
“My father has some antiquated ideas about loyalty, which I’m sure you can attest to. He’s never been one for sympathy, and it’s only recently we’ve begun to put our relationship back together.”
I wanted to look anywhere else but her face, and hearing her voice was a cold knife of reality in my chest. I couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing she was out here all this time, suffering without anybody coming to her rescue. I would’ve moved heaven and earth to help her, but I didn’t even know she was alive.
“I don’t even know where to begin. Sometimes your father thinks he knows what’s best, when he doesn’t. I don’t blame him, but I did at one time. The thing keeping me here feeds on negative emotions. I had to learn to forgive or I would have never been able to make it this far.”
She sounded sensible, but how could she be when she had been here for many years, in solitude, away from her family.
The flower was up there, but the storm had picked up once again, like it knew we were getting close and had to slow us down some more.
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“There is an ultimate flaw in all of us, and we all know what it is, but none of us wants to say it. Pride sometimes stands in the way of good judgment. I was left in an untenable situation with very few options. I’m sorry if you think I was weak,” my father said, as he stayed on the other side of the fire like he couldn’t bear to be near my mother without wanting to touch her.
“There’s nothing for you to apologize for, Michael. There’s really nothing you could have done differently. I know your heart was in the right place, but they made it quite clear what needed to be done. They were not about to take no for an answer, and forcing me out was the only thing they could do.” She was being far more accepting than I would have been had I been in her shoes.
I saw my father’s eyes begin to flutter; exhaustion was setting in with the cold blanketing us. If the trip didn’t wear us down, then learning about my mother certainly did take its toll. I found myself mimicking my father’s yawn, which made me lean against my mother with the same melody I had heard in Damien’s room playing over and over again in my head.
Chapter Sixteen
“I don’t know why you don’t understand. It’s not like you can do anything about it. This place won’t let me go without a fight, and I just don’t think you have what it takes to break me free.”
I heard my mother’s voice and I woke to find the gloom of heavy clouds high above.
“I won’t accept there’s no way to bring you home where you belong. I should have questioned them, but they were dead set against any form of communication between us,” my father said as he walked around in circles, pacing like he always did when he felt like he was in a tight and enclosed space.
“You’ve never been a man who takes things at face value. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. There are times where I thought it might be best to leave you to your work, but I felt you would be lost without me.”
My mother was standing with her two hands in the sleeves of her fur coat, which I could see was made from some wild animal. It had to be hard on her to learn to survive, but she had something others didn’t. The adventurous spirit within her made her uniquely qualified to defend and protect what was hers.
I shouldn’t have felt like she had let me down, but I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t fight for her family. Giving up didn’t seem to be in her vocabulary. I’d always believed she was the strongest woman and a role model to emulate.
“I was lost without you, Madeleine, and I had no idea how to console Gillian when she needed me the most. I figured if I gave her space, she would find her way out of the darkness, never understanding I was the one pushing her into the dark,” my father said, unaware I was awake and listening to every word spoken.
“I don’t know if I could’ve done any better, but I have dreamed about the day of coming home to both of you. Some may think I’m insane for having lengthy discussions with you when you weren’t even here, but it was really the only way I could keep myself from becoming something unrecognizable.”
I wanted to come to her defense, but I had no idea what power was keeping her against her will. There was some strange animal with three horns roasting over the fire, and what she did to kill it made me cringe. She had been through a lot, and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she wanted to make people pay for her unfortunate incarceration. It didn’t look like a prison, but any place you couldn’t leave on your own was like standing behind bars.
“I think you’ll agree this is a little hard for the both of us. It’s not like we ever thought we would see each other again. I have no idea where we go from here. How do you expect us to go back to our lives knowing you are out here? You’ve always been a fighter, and to see you give up hurts me more than you can ever know.”
He looked dejected and he shrugged his shoulders away from the fur-covered hand of my mother.
“I’m glad the both of you are here, but now I have to know the reason why you would make such a foolhardy mistake.”
I could understand her need to ask the question, but also felt founded in coming to try to help Damien.
“We came here to help a friend by retrieving the flower, which I’m sure isn’t going to be as easy as you made it out to be. I’m afraid of what we will bring back with us, and I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.”
My father was never much for keeping things in. He was the type to learn whatever information he could find before jumping into something. It was what made him a great researcher and someone to rely on for the truth. It was getting the truth out him that was more complicated.
“I haven’t had many visitors, and I gather from your reaction none of them made it back alive. What makes you think the both of you can be different when everybody else has failed on a grand scale?”
My mother was only asking the question we were too scared to mention.
“Do you really think if anybody had made it back alive I wouldn’t come looking for you? Nothing would have stood in my way. I would’ve gone through hell after everything you’ve been through. I mistakenly thought you were dead. People from outlying areas spoke of human bones found on their way to the community.”
I’d heard the same story, but each one was more like a fish tale made more interesting by how much somebody had drunk their way to the bottom of a bottle.
“I didn’t know what to think at the time. I screamed for your help, and you turned away in what I could only assume was disgust. I thought for a moment you hated me and you wanted me to hurt in the same way you did. I’ve come to some painful conclusions over the years, and ultimately, I think we would’ve been a flame that fizzled out,” she said, about to touch my father and deciding against it, most likely thinking he was in no frame of mind to go down memory lane.
“They made it perfectly clear of their intention to keep you away from me, and they threatened our daughter if I didn’t comply. The only thing to make it easier was your death was supposed to be quick. You weren’t supposed to suffer. I should’ve known there was no way I could have trusted them. They weren’t even the Elders at the time, but it wasn’t long before they took on the mantle responsibility.”
My father stormed off, but there was no way he could go far without losing his way.
“I know you’re not sleeping. You’ve always been unable to fool me, which I’m sure got on your last nerve. Gillian, coming here was a brave and noble thing, but in the end, it’s going to cost you more than you realize.”
She was really my mother, and had no problem dispensing advice, whether I wanted to hear it or not.
“Nothing is going to stop me from helping my friend. I don’t care what you have to say to convince me otherwise.”
I was not budging, and I could tell from the smile on her face this was what she was expecting.
“Whoever your friend is must be one very lucky person. Do I sense a love connection? I want only your happiness, and to be there to watch you take the necessary steps into womanhood.”
She’d gotten the wrong impression. It wasn’t like I had been very clear about who we were here to save. My father was vague, but he was always one to keep things to himself, and I didn’t see anything changing even if my mother was alive.
“He is going to make some woman very happy, but he’s a little too young for me. Damien is a young boy with a unique gift that I’m sure he would have no problem telling you about himself.”
I thought of Damien and what he was going through. Things had only gotten complicated learning about my mother.
“I don’t know why, but I felt like you had somebody special in your life. Maybe it was wishful thinking. The man you end up with is going to have to be something special to handle you. You are exactly like me. Don’t take that as a compliment because it wasn’t meant to be one.”
I didn’t know how she could say that when growing up I was drawn to coloring outside the lines.
“I do have somebody special, and like most men, he has good traits and bad ones. We work amazingly well to
gether and my heart is empty without him near me,” I said, wondering how I would break the news and introduce him to the woman I admired most of all.
“I’ve always believed a person is capable of starting over and learning from their mistakes. I don’t know much about you, Gillian, but I fear you have walked down a dangerous path. You still feel it inside trying to rob you of your innocence,” she said, as she walked over to me within mere inches of taking me into her arms.
“I’ve no doubt had my fair share of problems, but somehow I have managed to get along without you. It wasn’t easy, but I had no choice; it’s a burden I bear alone. I don’t know how, but I’m going to do what I can to get you out of this mess.”
I could hear the voice of the one reasonable shroud . He was there, but his voice was not strong enough, like something was preventing him from getting his thoughts across.
“It’s exactly what I would’ve expected from you. All we can do in this life is to try to make the world a better place. I was hung up on freedom and I didn’t understand how others may perceive what I do.”
My mother had magic, and I could feel it deeper than most. It was a dark and foreboding feeling which left me with more pieces of the puzzle to put together.
“I want to be angry with you and father, but how can I when my dreams are coming true? I thought there was no way for you to be in my life, no matter how much I wanted you to help me get ready to join with William. I know you’d like him and I want you to meet, but I have no idea how to make that happen.”
I sampled the fare on tap for morning breakfast, and to say it was an acquired taste would be an understatement. The meat was not tender, and it took a lot of effort to swallow. It felt like I was chewing the bark off the side of a tree. My mother’s body had adjusted to whatever sustenance she could find, and becoming primal was necessary.
